What Am I?

[Christopher]

I am confusing to myself. 
 

Since childhood, I felt shy around other kids, but I did not know why. I knew that I wanted attention, but when boys and girls talked to me they did not seem to see me as I saw me.

I could not verbalize that I was not so rough and tumble as a boy, and instead more into my emotions like a girl, but being a boy, I was not supposed to show any sign of weakness or give any sign that I had feelings. I stayed away from girls because I knew I frightened them or disgusted them, and I stayed away from boys because they frightened me and were too competitive. I ended up with some friends but I mostly ran away from them whenever I felt nervous because I did not know how to process my emotions or assert myself.

 

All I knew is that I found girl clothing and makeup to be much more interesting than what boys had.

Over the years, I have had the embarrassment of wearing nail polish, high heels, short shorts, and being called out for it, being told that in other places I would be beat for doing it. I’ve even had other people go the opposite way and try to push me into full drag—but I did not want this either. I’ve mainly kept my dress up sessions to myself, but being so restricted has felt unsatisfying, and to do it in public too mortifying. My mother told me as a kind of nag that I should not be embarrassed if I like it, but she herself should know that it is hard not to feel some kind of shame at so obviously bucking the reality that everyone keeps trying to force down your throat.

In terms of sexual matters, I’ve been desirous of the androgynous and the conflicting. Concepts like futanari and hermaphroditism and gender bending presented in drawings with some or no stories.

I’ve had my internet search history rifled through, and what they found was so unappealing to them that they threatened black mail if I did not succumb to their demands, but since none of it was legally actionable or nothing more than taboo, I let them do what they wanted with it and nothing at all happened. After all, who am I but a nobody with not much to lose?

Such a violent invasion of my privacy has got me to thinking about what I wanted and have wanted all my life long. Not to be female, not to be gay, nor to be a crossdresser.

 

I just want to be not so afraid of other people seeing me and being revolted or condemning or condescending. I want to live outside the gender boundaries that have confined my self expression, the words I say, the things I can feel. It’s not fair to have your world exist by the order of someone else.
 

[Jackie C.]

OK, so... nothing wrong with any of that. I have NB friends, they're awesome. Honestly, they're always the best dressers, the wardrobes are amazing. Heck, I have agender friends too. Along with bigender and all the rest. Your gender expression is absolutely up to you. If you want to be androgynous, go for it. I have friends who do that. It makes them comfortable. Heck, there's a cute NB couple in one of my dance classes. They're adorable.

 

Then entire point of this, all of this, is to be comfortable in your own skin. My recommendation is to talk to a gender therapist and figure out what would make you happy and then make a plan to turn that into your reality. Good luck, and we'll always be here with encouragement and advice along the way.

 

Welcome to Transpulse! We're glad you're here!

 

Hugs!

[Delcina B]

Welcome Christopher! Glad you're here! The wonderful people here, a gender therapist & a few books on gender (one is You & Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman Fox) have helped me find a way to travel on this journey exploring my gender to see where I feel comfortable. I'm getting closer. I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina