Dysphoria/morphia going crazy lately

[MellonCollie]

hey my fellow trans mascs. This is my first post ever on here, so sorry if I do anything wrong, but I just wanted a place to voice some feelings and be sort of heard. 

 

It really really sucks to feel like I look wrong all the time. I definitely fall into the category of trans guy that looks 6 years younger than I am, and just things about my body, as well as how I look in clothes, just makes me feel like hiding all the time. It's gotten to the point where I nonstop just think about what I look like and worry about people knowing I'm trans and treating me differently. (Sidenote: I know passing isn't the goal all the time, but it scares me a lot to be visible in public). Anyways, I just find myself constantly looking at cis guys and wishing I just had that "look" of being cis. I don't know if that makes any sense, and I feel bad for anyone that can relate to this, but, yes these feelings have just been out of control lately. I'm very in my own head, and just moved somewhere new, and this is not conducive to making friends. I'm tired of the feeling, for sure. But I'm sure many people feel some negative way about their body, so it's not that deep. 

[Jackie C.]

While not EXACTLY in your situation, I've got several trans-masc and NB friends with similar issues. The thing I always remind myself is, "What does a cis-person look like anyway?" I mean there are women who look less "feminine" to my eye than I do. There are men who look less "masculine" than my trans-masc friends.

 

The urge to hide parts of your body that make you uncomfortable is pretty strong. I get that. I keep my tummy covered (among other things, I'm pretty good at feminizing myself with wardrobe choices). One of my favorite people has a tight dysphoria sweater, another friend wears her (yes, that is the right pronoun) packer when she's feeling dysphoric. I mean we all do what we can to make the dysphoria less.

 

If it's overtaking your brain though... well, my rituals are not your rituals, but I suggest that you talk to your therapist about it. It sounds like an envy/not-loving-yourself kind of problem. We often have trouble accepting ourselves. I mean after a lifetime of self-loathing it's a difficult habit to break. We can offer you all the support in the world, but we're not doctors (or LMSWs). We just want you to be happy being yourself.

 

Hugs!

[Vidanjali]

Hey @MellonCollie . Check out the "hey fellas how's it going" thread where there are guys (FtM, transmasc, nb) discussing these very things. I think you hit the nail on the head though when you emphasized the in-your-head-ness of it all. By that, I don't mean to invalidate what your feeling or thinking - what I mean is that when you're isolated, negative stuff can indeed spiral out of control. You've done right by reaching out here. So, please keep sharing and engaging. What do you do from day to day - in what situations do you encounter other people? You may be surprised that a lot of people are lonely and looking for friends. It can feel awkward and scary to put yourself out there, but next time you wind up chatting with anyone you find pleasant, consider telling them you're new in town and looking for friends and would they be interested in exchanging numbers. It's honestly not as weird as it sounds. 

[DylanB1452]

22 hours ago, MellonCollie said:

(Sidenote: I know passing isn't the goal all the time, but it scares me a lot to be visible in public). Anyways, I just find myself constantly looking at cis guys and wishing I just had that "look" of being cis. 

I feel this way all of the time. I'm only 17, but being in high school I find myself quite simply envious of how other people around me look. To really overcome this, at least what has really helped, is that I have realized EVERYONE thinks like this too. All of my cis friends who don't even know I am trans frequently discuss how they wish this, that, x, and y, looked differently on them or compare themselves to other guys. By realizing what I am doing is not exclusive to my own identity, but really something everyone has struggled with, has really helped me let it go.

 

Also, I have found it helpful to just focus on what I can control. I'll admit I do try to "pass," however I like to put time into how I myself cannot physically change, but mentally change my mindset––realizing there is no cookie cutter male I need to be. Hope this helps in some way. 

[MellonCollie]

Thanks for your words, everyone. It really helped to have this feedback. I definitely have a lot of work do do with how I feel about myself, but really like exchanging some words with other trans people for now

[Kelly2509]

went through some of this recently myself.  Had spent 300 bucks on a custom dress, it feels great I love wearing it, and then I had a friend take some pictures of me in it.  they were... not exactly flattering...  I spent most of last week feeling like a man in a dress (not a good feeling).  I'm still crawling my way out of that headspace and the only thing that is helping right now is the words of a dear friend who gets mad at me (like actually angry, no playfulness about it, she hates it when I get like that) and tells me "Kelly you have to get out of your own way".  I just repeat that to myself (imagining her yelling at me about it) whenever those thoughts come up.  maybe not the healthiest way to cope, but it's working for me

[Vidanjali]

On 7/31/2022 at 6:52 PM, MellonCollie said:

really like exchanging some words with other trans people for now

 

Fellowship is powerful. There's so much relief in knowing you're not alone, and such comfort to hear you are understood and supported. As many of will attest, this community is a treasure. 

 

On 8/1/2022 at 8:45 AM, Kelly2509 said:

"Kelly you have to get out of your own way".  I just repeat that to myself (imagining her yelling at me about it) whenever those thoughts come up.  maybe not the healthiest way to cope, but it's working for me

 

That's as good a mantra as any, honestly - a demand that the ego subside and allow the true Kelly to shine.

 

I had a similar experience with seeing a photo of myself a few weeks ago. I thought I was looking pretty smooth at a family party and then later saw a photo of myself in profile in which I looked like I had a big ol' watermelon sticking out of my chest. That dysphoria came on like a storm - I didn't expect it. It took me a little while to feel better about it. I've been making some better wardrobe decisions & have committed to loosing a few pounds to shrink the boobage. 

 

How does feeling good turn so abruptly into dysphoria? In these cases, the turning point was a 2-dimensional image. What's closer to reality, that feeling of self-appreciation prior to seeing the photos, or a 2-dimensional static visual projection? Consider that the latter is a manufactured limited sense experience. What is the source of the former? I believe it may be unlimited. So, the negative reaction which arises from the visual sense experience comes from identifying with that static image, which is not who we really are. Indeed the part of us which reacts to the projection needs to get out of the way! The real us is beyond 2-dimensions, and cannot be captured in an image. Our beauty is dynamic, fluid and radiant. 

 

Of course, practically speaking, most of us experience glee at a good photo of ourselves. It can be a nice boost, for sure. Vision is tricky - it can thrill us or terrify us in the same day. Therefore, I think it's important to not get too attached to what things looks like because that's not where contentment is found. I say this as much for myself as anyone else. 

[Russ Fenrisson]

Really good advice here.

 

I've been in a similar boat with those kinds of feeling, having what is called "cis-envy." When I became conscious of my trans identity, I became angry over a lot of things I couldn't control. I wanted to be taller, to grow facial hair (a full-on beard like a Nordic Viking), to have a convincing deep voice, and to be flat-chested. Everyday for several years, I regretted being born female and coming to terms with my issues so late. Even going to school was tough, being called a name I wish I could change, being misgendered, wanting to be seen as a guy... it was endless. I always felt uncomfortable in my skin, like a reptile unable to molt properly.

 

Eventually, one day, those feelings gradually faded. I stopped thinking about being like the other men, comparing them to things I didn't have, and started to think of how I wanted to look as a man. My body was a body, and it didn't have to reflect what was "female" or "male." It was my vessel and, through my mind, I could mold it to how I like.

 

What I've found what helps for me is imagining myself as already male and allowing that to project in my real life. No facial hair? What, I got that! I can just imagine it there already. Not tall? Heck, I'm taller than you! 

 

I guess it's all about how you think about things. It takes time but one day, it'll come naturally to you.

[Davie]

@Kelly2509@Vidanjali@Russ Fenrisson

Thank you, all. Great discussion today. Really needed to hear this. My dysphoria appears with the personas that appear in my writing.

6 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

you have to get out of your own way

And this sentence is now posted over my desk.

Gracias!

Davie

[Kelly2509]

16 hours ago, Davie said:

And this sentence is now posted over my desk.

friendly warning, it's a lot harder than it sounds and identifying when you are getting in your own way takes some inner work.  Still working on it myself.  Glad those words were inspiring, wish I could take credit for them.