debating my validity (how unique?!)

[ian]

I've definitely been on the wrong side of the internet lately, paired with hearing ceaseless conservative politicians' advertisements a few days ago prior to a primary election in my state.  Those factors are surely contributing to my discomfort, but I've debated my validity since I first realised I was uncomfortable as my birth gender.

 

I don't remember having dysphoria as a child.  That's the main problem.  I did have an obsession with the way things "should be," so I would only wear clothes designed for girls.  I didn't do it because I actually wanted to, I just didn't consider there to be an option.  I was strongly opposed to being percieved as "girly," but I wasn't a tomboy.  I wasn't much of anything at all.

 

I do remember some small moments that could have been gender euphoria.  Like standing in front of my bathroom mirror in a black T shirt, in awe at the thought of myself as a long haired boy. 

 

I just don't feel like that's enough.  I feel like there should have been more signs.  If this is a phase I want it to be over.  I have dysphoria now, but I didn't seem to before puberty.  The human mind is so suggestible, you know?  And there's so many more people identifying as trans now, I feel fake (that doesn't mean I don't respect others' identities!).  Of course I didn't do this on purpose, but maybe I did do it to myself, unintentionally.  I don't know how to undo it.

[ian]

this isn't even on topic is it 💀 well i can't delete it life is full of mistakes you can never take back memento mori

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, Ian, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  No, your post is not off topic; in fact it is right on topic.  I assure you that your doubts and concerns are shared by many here, myself included.  I told my therapist that I thought I was "faking it," but she assured me that it was real.

 

Not all trans people know that they are trans from an early age, and dysphoria can take many forms and have different intensities.  I never did have severe body dysphoria, but nevertheless I knew I had to transition, and knew that I was a woman in my heart and soul.

 

So please stop worrying and just ask whatever questions you have, or just share how you're feeling.  We're here to listen, to provide support, and whatever else we can do to help.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Heather Nicole]

Hi, Ian!

 

Like @Carolyn Marie said, feelings and experiences like yours are common to many of us (definitely myself included).

 

I find that when mainstream media talks about trans people, we often hear things like "I always just knew, as far back as I could remember, that I was really a _____, and I couldn't understand why I did/didn't have a _____ down there and why people tried to make me live as a _____." Personally, I wish I had started talking to actual people in the trans community ages ago, because once I finally did, I learned that narrative is only just one trans narrative. It's true for some of us, but not all of us. I do think stories like that can do a lot to help people understand and accept the trans community and not be so afraid of "trans", but I also think it can often make it harder for people to understand and accept their own selves if they don't happen to "measure up" to some primetime-worthy example of "a transgender person".

 

As you browse around here, I think you'll find it's always recommended to seek out a good qualified gender therapist who can help you better understand your own self. I certainly find that to be good advice!

 

But regardless, Welcome!

 

4 hours ago, ian said:

I do remember some small moments that could have been gender euphoria.  Like standing in front of my bathroom mirror in a black T shirt, in awe at the thought of myself as a long haired boy. 

 

Oh, I can relate to this! I mean, granted, for me personally, I'm an assigned-male-at-birth transfem, so my details are slightly different from yours. But do I remember looking in the mirror as a young "boy" (or so I thought) and thinking how it just seemed really cool that it wouldn't take much, maybe just different hair, to make me look like a girl. "But oh well!"...and so I just went back to living as the only thing I ever thought I could be, my assigned gender at birth.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Ian.  Welcome!

 

Don't let the "should haves" get to you.  There are many paths to realizing who you are.  The people who say that you aren't trans unless you fit into some narrow narrative are trying to prevent you from being you.

 

Having hung out on this and other trans forums for a few years now, I realize that there are way more of us who didn't "always know" than who did.  Looking back in 20/20 hindsight, I can see the signs that I was trans going back to when I was seven years old.  But, no I didn't know I was trans back then.  I wasn't even unhappy with being a boy (whatever that meant: I had no idea).  I just knew that I wanted to be a girl (whatever that meant.  I knew it meant wearing pretty dresses. ) 

 

There were other similar signs over the years, none of which I associated with trans-ness.  I didn't know the word dysphoria.  My parents raised me to be asexual, which threw further confusion into the mix.  I put a lot of effort into trying to appear normal so that I wouldn't get bullied.  I had no idea why it was so hard for me when others seems to come by it naturally.  I compensated and got through life by being very good at what I did, so that I could at least get a little respect.

 

It was only in my sixties that I figured it out.  When I went to see the mental health people to start getting my hormone referral letter, the first gatekeeper I talked to said, "This is going to be so easy: there is no doubt at all that you are trans."

 

The reason I tell you my story is because it is typical.  My story (and yours, it seems) is much more common than the "I always knew ever since I was a child" narrative that the media like to promote.

 

Relax.  You are among your people here.  You belong, and your post is perfectly on-topic.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Roach]

Man, I can relate to this pretty hard. Especially...

 

On 8/5/2022 at 6:09 PM, ian said:

Of course I didn't do this on purpose, but maybe I did do it to myself, unintentionally. 

 

I think this a LOT. And honestly, I'm afraid to see a therapist because I'm not sure what to say to them. In any case, you're not alone with these thoughts, but I know that's not entirely helpful, sorry lol.

[Russ Fenrisson]

@ianI can understand where you're coming from. This feeling that someone planted a seed inside of you, or you did unintentionally, and you're not sure what's true or not. Whatever you feel, that's real. Every person, whether they identify as trans or not, their feelings are valid and what they decide is best for themselves is totally legitimate too. 

 

When I think about transitioning, I always think about the day when I can finally change my legal name and gender. The one thing that bothers me about this is the fact you can only change your legal sex/gender after you've had proof of sex reassignment surgery, especially bottom surgery (this indication is different for every state). When I saw that, I was disheartened but another thought came to me: "Why do I have to get bottom surgery to prove I'm a man? I'm already a man. Why do I have to prove I'm a man when I know I am one? There's got to be a better way to change this." I know the law does this to prevent fraud but sometimes it comes off as not understanding the individual.

 

Just know, however you feel, it's completely valid and however far you decide to to go with your decision is solely your own journey. Don't think you have to do evetything to reinforce your identity. There's a lot of people, for various reasons, who don't take hormones or do the surgeries and they still live, validly, as their true selves. Not doing something doesn't make you any less than.

[Russ Fenrisson]

@RoachI can understand the hesitation. Sometimes thinking about talking to a therapist doesn't feel ideal because I think they might misunderstand me or I won't be able to explain myself correctly. The best kind of therapist, though is one who is sympathetic towards your cause- that's the first step. From there, tell them why you're there and everything (hopefully) will come naturally. It's like when you meet someone new: it's awkward at first but once you come to know each other, you're mind will clear and your goal will become more apparent.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Questioning one's validity seems normal to me.  Especially when one grows up in an environment where you get told who you are, what you'll do, and how you'll be.  Acting differently from the expectations (followed by the questions, taunts, and bullying of those who have the expectations) causes some discomfort. 

 

It also seems like society puts one's assigned sex, anatomy, sexual orientation, personal feelings, appearance, and behavior all in one basket.  To me, they are very different things. 

 

My assigned sex is female.  My anatomy is...female-ish, and medically unique.  My sexual orientation is kind of fluid.  My personal feeling is that I should have had a male body.  I keep my appearance androgynous, and my behavior tends to be artistic and athletic, clingy, a bit nervous, and affectionate.  

 

^^^When society wants to put all those things into one basket with a label, it doesn't work.  For them, anyways.  Works just fine for me when I'm allowed to simply be.  So, you don't have to put yourself in a box with a label.

[Samuel William]

On 8/6/2022 at 8:09 AM, ian said:

.I just don't feel like that's enough.  I feel like there should have been more signs.  If this is a phase I want it to be over.  I have dysphoria now, but I didn't seem to before puberty. 

I find it tricky sometimes to accurately remember the exact stages of my thinking when I was a kid (I’m 41 - it’s been a while!), but as best I can tell, dysphoria hit me HARD when puberty started approaching. Before that, I was kinda drifting along in a little bubble, happily doing my thing, and I suspect not really fully understanding that my kid body would one day shoot off in the complete wrong direction, towards an adult body I didn’t want. As I got older, though, and puberty started approaching….that’s when everything really flared up. The first time my mother tried to sit me down and have ‘the talk,’ I apparently covered my ears and refused to listen (I don’t even remember this personally, which is possibly a sign of how hard I was resisting it). I fought HARD against wearing bras, despite being an unfortunately early developer, and for a while would only wear a bra over something else (eg, t-shirt, bra, second t-shirt on top). I started developing little rituals that I desperately hoped would transform my body into the right one. I pushed to get my hair cut short. I hated anyone knowing when I had periods. I started daydreaming of going to America by ship when I was 18, having ‘the operation,’ and returning home as a boy named William (I assume there’d been some sort of trans stuff in the news - I don’t remember clearly, and I definitely didn’t really understand). This was the early 1990s in a fairly conservative little pocket of Australia. No one ever offered me a name for what I was feeling or any sort of assistance. In fact, compounding my distress was the fact that as soon as I started ‘growing up,’ people’s expectations changed. Suddenly I was supposed to transform into a ‘normal’ teenage girl, and people got annoyed with me when I didn’t. Eg, my parents told me off for not being suitably enthusiastic about receiving a charm bracelet for Christmas one year (despite this being an unprecedented present that I’d given no indication I actually wanted - I’ve literally never worn jewellery, ever), and an older sibling told me I was ‘childish’ for buying myself a remote controlled car (I was 12!). 
 

Anyway, what I’m trying to say in amongst all this rambling is that I think dysphoria for me became a very real and present part of my life AT puberty (not earlier), because that was when irreversible, unwanted changes started happening, both physically and socially. As a little kid, I was pretty oblivious to how different I was to my peers, and it didn’t matter if I ran happily around with boys, girls, or both. Then the physical changes hit, people’s expectations changed, and I was left scrambling to figure out what went wrong. 

 

I know that’s not everyone’s experience, but it’s something to bear in mind. Puberty sucks for everyone, but for trans kids, it can be hell. 
 

Also, I remember reading somewhere on this forum a piece of wisdom that’s really stuck with me: most cis people don’t spend time questioning their gender identity. They just don’t.
 

Reading that really helped me, and gave me a lot to think about. Why would cis people question it? Their minds and their bodies match, everything feels right, and apart from the occasional ‘what if…’ fantasy (no more serious than daydreaming about ‘what if dragons were real?’ or ‘what if I could fly?’), they don’t think about what it would be like to live as a different gender to what they were assigned at birth. Why would they? I know I’m a human; I don’t spend any time at all pondering whether I might actually be a meerkat born in the wrong body, because that’s just silly. I KNOW which species I belong to. From what I can tell, that’s how cis people feel about their gender identity. 

Don’t doubt what you’re feeling because it doesn’t fit a particular pattern. I’ve been reading lots of trans memoirs lately, and that’s something you might want to try, too, because it soon becomes clear how many different stories there are. 
 

Sam

 

[Samuel William]

On 8/6/2022 at 1:39 PM, Heather Nicole said:ust one trans narrative. It's true for some of us, but not all of us. I do think stories like that can do a lot to help people understand and accept the trans community and not be so afraid of "trans", but I also think it can often make it harder for people to understand and accept their own selves if they don't happen to "measure up" to some primetime-worthy example of "a transgender person".

 I just went back to living as the only thing I ever thought I could be, my assigned gender at birth.

This! If you don’t know there’s a different option, you stick with what you’ve been told is the truth, even if it feels wrong. Even if you’re unhappy. Even if you struggle to fit in, because you can’t quite make yourself be like the other kids you’re supposed to be the same as. Even if part of you hankers for something different. 
 

Because when everyone around you, including your most trusted adults, tells you ‘this is true,’ it’s really hard to see an alternative.