How does anyone ever even find a therapist that's remotely helpful?

[Heather Nicole]

I know not to expect anything, I know it's kind of an impossible question. Just felt a need to voice it anyway

 

Before my egg even cracked, I went through what seemed like an endless revolving door of supposed "counselors"/"therapists". Took forever before I ended up finding even a single one that wasn't seemingly obsessed with just the sound of their own voice. Much less one with even the slightest hint of basic human listening skills. Let alone, being even remotely a good match for me. Let alone having any real background whatsoever with trans issues, or even any single one of the other too-many things that make up who I just happen to dealing with living as.

 

I've been through the Psychology Today search tool. Everyone that seems to have any possible promise doesn't accept any insurance. That's a non-starter for me. God, I wish my problems were so simple that trans stuff was the only stuff I had to deal with and I could just shell out $$$ out-of-poket. Sheesh, who in the world is ever so simplistic and neatly-compartmentalized??? And if someone is that pulled-together, how much could they really need counseling anyway? (ok, maybe that's a bad, unfair question, but....from my vantage point....)

 

I have one that I'm seeing, and I do like seeing her, and she is BY FAAAR better than nearly every other one I've ever seen (only one other was ever even remotely comparable). But we never....get anywhere. She's lightyears ahead of everyone else because we have actual two-sided conversations, and even better than that, she's someone I can talk to about whatever's been going on with me, or might just happen to have on my mind (in the rare case I can even think of anything to talk about). But there's no guidance, no working through anything, just chat, and I usually have to be the one to come up with anything to talk about . And though she's definitely open-minded enough, she doesn't have any training in trans matters or any of my other things. It just all feels very "me"-guided, even though I'm incredibly ill-equipped to be the one doing any guiding, especially if the topic is me. And that's what I need a therapist for. I know I have things to go into, but I'm useless at being the guide for my own therapy.

[Charlize]

I went to a gender therapist who had been recommended by a trans friend.  I have no way of knowing how she compared to others but instead accepted that she would help and then simply opened up about my past and present feelings.  I think that open look at a lifetime of "issues" helped me get on with self acceptance.  Hope you find help in a similar fashion.  Perhaps confidence in my path was what i needed more than anything.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[DeeDee]

Hi @Heather Nicole different counsellors and therapists will have different techniques and approaches to working.

One of the more common methods used however is a client centred approach; where what you as the client bring is what is discussed. With this style the therapist does not "do" anything, but pretty much mirrors your words back to you in a way that can help you to look at and deal with the thing/s that is/are bothering you.

You are the one that has to reflect on what was discussed, think about why you brought it up, and how you feel about it, and eventually you will have a lightbulb moment, discuss it and move onto the next thing/s. 

If you feel like you are turning up for the sake of turning up you can tell your therapist and they will either give you a gentle prod or switch the way they are mirroring you to offer you another perspective to think about things.

Other therapists may use a solution oriented technique, which is far more goal driven, but again - you are the one that has to do the homework to achieve the goal, and for gender issues I'm not so sure it would be a great fit.

I got a lot out of my counselling sessions, but once I had solved all of my major emotional issues the counsellor announced that while she enjoyed our conversations they weren't actually needed anymore as she could not help me further. As mine were paid for by the NHS I didn't have a choice so was glad I got someone who was good, but she will also have a list of other clients and moving me off her books helped someone else to get on them.

Hope you are able to feel the benefits soon.

[KathyLauren]

When I looked for a therapist, I was very goal-oriented.  I was familiar with the client-centred approach that @DeeDeedescribed above, and I knew that would not work for my purpose.  That style works well for people who are struggling and don't know why.  Most of us, once our egg cracks, just want to get on with it.

 

I tried going through the public health system (i.e. "insurance") first.  They were fine and told me in the intake interview that I would have no problems meeting my goals.  The problem was their timeline: they were looking at a six month waiting list before I could even get in to see the therapist.

 

I ended up paying out of my own pocket to see a therapist outside of the public system.  The waiting times were a lot shorter.

 

My process for finding them, both in the public and private systems was to google psychologists, including the term WPATH in the search.  I knew that anyone with a WPATH certification would know what they were doing.  That way, I was able to identify a mental health practitioner in the public system that was not too far away that could help me, and several in private practice in the city.  Then, I ran their names by the members of the trans support group to see whom they would or would not recommend.

 

I found the sessions quick and helpful.  In response to the standard "Tell me why you are here" opener, I simply told them that I was pretty sure I was trans and that I wanted a hormone referral letter.  Direct and to the point.  My therapist had me go over my history as to why I thought I might be trans.  Her conclusion: Yes you are.  Then we went over the informed consent paperwork, and she had me do some homework filling in a questionnaire.  After three hours of appointments, I had my letter.

[miz miranda]

2 hours ago, Charlize said:

but instead accepted that she would help and then simply opened up about my past and present feelings.  I think that open look at a lifetime of "issues" helped me get on with self acceptance.

 

This echoes my experience. I had been fighting with issues for many years but had always avoided admitting the need for therapy. When I began to recognize gender identity was among the issue, I finally tried therapy. It took a few attempts before I followed through and got a therapist. I had no experience and therefore no expectations. I used a remote therapy service which matched me to a therapist. It was a service that focused on LGBTQ community so I felt that they were knowledgeable.

 

I was fortunate that I immediately felt comfortable with my therapist. I was able to open up and admit to all of the issues I was feeling. Over the last four months we spent much of our time talking about how I felt and what I want to feel.  For me , the therapist made communication comfortable. She also gave reading material and gave some assignments for me to self assess. I was able to find some coping mechanisms that helped with anxiety and dysphoria. Bottom line is I have come to accept myself as who I am, but it come from within. I have not decided and whether I need to transition. My therapist and I agreed that I was in very good place regarding my self esteem, anxiety and fear of social rejection so stopped therapy. I absolutely feel I could not have reached this peace without the help of my therapist.

 

I hope you are find this kind of help

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I'd love to know the answer to this question too!

 

I've tried a couple of therapists, but I didn't get along with them.  Not sure what the ultimate issue was, but I didn't feel secure at all.  I've got more going on than just the gender issues, but I didn't think it would complicate matters this much.  If it was simply a matter of money, the search would be over.  I've got years of income saved, not to mention that my husband told me that I can spend *whatever* for private therapy and he'll write the check.  It's just the old saying, "good help is hard to find." 

 

@Heather Nicole Have you been finding that therapists are reluctant to give directions?  Like, they want you to do all the work?  The main type I seem to find is the person who wants to play "echo chamber" and mostly repeat what I've said, with a couple of comments. I'm not really sure what to ask for, but I wonder if we're both looking for a slightly more authoritative experience?  Not sure how to find that, though...

[Heather Nicole]

Thanks everyone for your input!

 

Follow-up from my end, so far:

 

I kind of brought this up with the one (not a gender therapist, but still a good trans ally) counselor I've been seeing. It lit up a latent neuron in her mind, reminding her of one gender therapist she'd previously known. She reached out to them for me and...well, turns out that person had since moved to Alaska and is no longer accepting Ohio clients (like me). Buuuutttt.....that Alaskan gender therapist relayed back a "Psychology Today" link to another fellow GT, who's still here in Ohio. I liked what I saw on this new lady's "Psychology Today" page, so I went to her organization's website, and submitted a sign-up application.

 

It took about a week to hear back anything, but I did finally get a message from this Ohio GT saying her organization needed a few details to set up a link to their "online" intake form (phone #, email addr, etc). So I supplied that. It's been slightly over a week, and I'm still waiting to hear back again, which is admittedly a royal pain for my anxious, impatient ADD-self, but...well, it did take over two full weeks to hear anything at all, back a couple years ago when I first tried to contact my original gender therapist. They're overloaded, I know that.

 

So, that's where I still am at the moment.

 

On 8/22/2022 at 8:47 PM, awkward-yet-sweet said:

@Heather Nicole Have you been finding that therapists are reluctant to give directions?  Like, they want you to do all the work?  The main type I seem to find is the person who wants to play "echo chamber" and mostly repeat what I've said, with a couple of comments. I'm not really sure what to ask for, but I wonder if we're both looking for a slightly more authoritative experience?  Not sure how to find that, though...

 

Good questions. I guess I should try to clarify one thing. The vast majority of therapists I've tried were back before "my egg cracked", back before I realized I was even possibly trans. Those ones, as far as I was ever able to tell, just seemed interested in the sound of their own voice. Always talking "at" me, whatever they felt like talking about, but never facilitating an actual two-way conversation.

 

Since then, after "my egg cracked" and I figured out I "might actually be trans after all", I've only had two counselors since then:

 

1. My original gender therapist, who was actually good, she's VERY experienced with trans clients and trans issues, and she isn't remotely the "I just like the sound of my own voice" approach of everyone else I had previously tried. But "trans" was more or less the ONLY thing about me that she had background in. I'm more complicated than that, unfortunately ☹️

 

2. The one I'm still seeing. A trans ally, but no real background in trans matters. Not entirely sure about her background in the other aspects that apply to me, because I feel like her style is mostly just "someone to talk to, openly". Which, don't get me wrong, that's fantastic, I do need that, and it's great to have. But I just also need someone who can be a bit more than that, and help direct things down to...whatever the heck it is that I do need help with because I feel I'm terrible at directing things that way myself.

 

Hmm...I'm not sure if I've actually clarified anything here, or if I've only just managed to rewrite what I previously said without actually adding anything meaningful...?