I Have This Recurring Theme in My Dreams; Anybody Have a Similar Dilemma?

[Russ Fenrisson]

I can't say for how long exactly, but I've had this same kind of dream for almost five or six years now. I didn't start having it until I decided I was transgender.

 

The way the dreams are is different but this recurring theme I'm about to delve into is generally the same when it presents itself. I might have it every few months, but it's hard to say.

 

The dream starts out as normal with me interacting with the environment in my dream. Typically, the world in the dream is either fantastical or true to form in real-life, i.e. it takes place in an everyday location like a school, parking lot, or general place of gathering. I might be hanging out with a group of individuals, typically people I don't know, but there were a few times, on occasion, they were people I knew-old classmates and friends. The dream would play out as normal like a movie until the theme presented itself, and, even in the dream, I'd feel either anxious or annoyed when the theme came into play.

 

It usually plays like this: a man might approach me (again, unknown person but if I did know them, they were usually a classmate) and then ask for me to go out with them. In the beginning, I used to have a real-life reaction where I would refuse them and tell them I'm not interested, but in the past year or two, my reaction has become more firm and sure. Whenever a man approaches me and pops me the question, I might say now, "No, sorry. I'm into women." Then the man would look at me funny and leave me alone afterwards; it's like it's no loss to him. I'm honestly glad it never gets past anything like this. But last night, my reaction was a bit more aggressive. I got in the man's face (a stranger this time) and told him, "I'm trans and gay. Unless you like men, you should leave me alone." In the moment, I felt awesome but upon waking, I wasn't proud of this. In the dream, I had a girlfriend and pointed out to the man I was already going out with someone to deter them from pursuing me. I do generally like women but my tastes are varied to the point I would say I don't care- whoever likes me, likes me. However, this recurring theme in my dream bothers me.

 

Has anyone had a similar situation like this in their dreams? Did it ever go away? Or perhaps, does anyone know the reason why these dreams occur?

 

Much Obliged,

Russ

[awkward-yet-sweet]

The reason?  Well, to be honest, what I've learned is that dreams are mind vomit.  Your brain's way of cleaning itself.  Although, sometimes they can reflect strong thoughts from your day.  

 

I have weird, vivid, recurring dreams.  Often with dating or attraction scenarios where I'm into them and they aren't into me...or the opposite.  I think that is just part of the natural tension of unique gender identity/expression.  

 

IDK what makes it go away, aside from stronger experiences to override the thoughts in the back if one's mind.  Or doing enough physical labor that you are so exhausted that you don't dream.

[Russ Fenrisson]

That is true. Dreams are a way of reviewing what one has experienced throughout the day in a way the brain can comprehend it. I can't say for the other times, but I think this instance might have been triggered by an event that happened a day or two previous to that dream. I was in a questioning sort of mood and I guess the one way I could deal with it was in my dreams. I'm a generally calm person and to see my reaction become the way it did in my dream sort of troubled me. I couldn't act like that in real life.

 

The issue with expression might be another thing. Seems the only way I can deal with it is when I'm asleep. The everyday is just not as emotionally arousing as in my dreams. I hardly ever get angry unless it's about a particular subject.

[Vidanjali]

@Russ Fenrisson I find it interesting to observe changes to recurring dreams, as you have. Your response in the dream over time went from definitive to emphatic. To me, this seems indicative of your subconsciousness integrating your waking identity. I see it as a positive. In your dream, your subconsciousness also had a positive reaction as you said, it felt awesome in the dream. Why does the dream bother you. And why in particular were you bothered by the aggressive response upon waking? 

 

I've been watching my dreams for a long time because I tend to have extremely vivid and sometimes lucid dreams. For most of my life, I suffered from intense nightmares, some of which were recurring. When I have a recurring dream, I find it helpful to note any differences however small. I've noticed over time that I've become more empowered in my dreams, and I take it as a sign of emotional health. 

 

I have a somewhat similar recurring dream which bothers me. In the dream, I'm vying for some guy's attention, as if being acknowledged by the guy is the be all & end all. I realize that this is my subconscious replaying messaging I had internalized and acted out on for many years of my life in the past: sex & love addiction, codependency, overcompensation for latent asexuality and transness. I still have these dreams. They used to greatly disturb me. In past dreams, the guy would either complete dismiss me or do something to humiliate me. The depression, desperation and despair was so vivid, that I'd wake up disoriented and with an affected mood. Over time, though, the dream has changed. In particular, I had one of these dreams the other day. The guy actually liked me, and I nonchalantly departed for an international flight without discussing it with him or saying goodbye. 

 

In reality, I'm in a committed relationship with my husband. We do not have a sexual relationship, nor do I desire a sexual relationship with anyone. I also acknowledge that I have romantic feelings for many people of various genders. Therefore, I construe the guy in the dream as a symbol of false validation. As I heal emotionally, it's reflected in the dream - I care less about the guy and more about freedom. 

[Sol]

I've had dreams where certain features of my body were missing or exaggerated, and what's interesting is that I know exactly what's different. A big one is that I'm flat chested. And another is that I'm always wearing something like jeans or even leggings but never wearing a dress or skirt. I'm usually looking at other people who are wearing those things. 

Granted sometimes I still misgender myself in my head so 😑

But I think dreams are a sign of progress, or at least a sign of "Hey, here's what's up." It's how I figured out I had a lot of repressed anger.

[Russ Fenrisson]

@VidanjaliThat progression in your dream sounds pretty amazing. It's cool how you eventually were able to ignore the dream guy and go about your life as if he didn't exist. It's like a symbol of you getting past a mental block to get where you want to be.

 

The dream in particular bothers me because I think it reflects my waking fear of telling somebody else about my identity. I think the dream stems back to when I was in college in my first or second semester when a guy approached me for dating purposes. Up until that point, no one expressed any interest in me. Neither did I express any interest in another human being (and still feel the same way) because I just never felt interested in dating anyone. Perhaps I'm asexual, but I feel demi-ace is close to how I feel about being in a relationship. It could change, but that's what I feel closely matches how I feel about romantic attraction.

 

Anyway, upon meeting me in between classes, he complained to me about how a group of friends he had teased him because he didn't have a girlfriend. I replied that was rude of them. Then, as if taking a chance, he asked if I were seeing anyone and if not, would I like to date him. I replied no, and to the other question, in a cliché manner, I said for them to give me a month before I gave him an answer. At the time, I had newly come out as trans to one of my parents and was starting to figure I liked women more than men, and I didn't feel comfortable saying no in fear of letting him down or facing some sort of retaliation. I wasn't interested in him, but gave him a month to see if anything would be different from then.

 

A month passed and, on a sheet of paper, he told me he thought I was attractive and asked if we could date already. When I saw that, I got nervous and, not feeling any different than I did a month before, I said I wasn't interested and I was sorry I didn't feel the same way. After that, I saw less of him and he eventually disappeared, as if he were an illusion.

 

From then on, every once and a while, I would have a dream of a man approaching me, saying I was cute and wanting to know if I would go out with them. The first few times was him and another student I felt wanted the same from me, but as time went on, the man became people I've never seen before.

 

Before, I feared the man because I was scared of what he would do once I told him I preferred women over men. Then I eventually feared what he would do once he knew I identified as a guy. But the last few times I've had this dream, I've been more forthcoming about my thoughts. Sometimes it feels good, but it doesn't exactly translate well into my waking life.

 

I was bothered by the aggressive response because I'm far from like that in my real life. If I acted the way I did in my dreams, I feel like I could get into serious trouble. However, I think dream me is pretty cool, although they can be a bit rude and violent.

[Russ Fenrisson]

@SolIt's strange when dreams do that. I've had dreams where certain parts of my body would be deformed, like my chest or legs, or have parts I don't have because, well... I haven't transitioned that way yet.

 

Somehow, I see myself as androgynous in my dreams and am misgendered by pretty much everybody in my dreams. It's rare if anyone refers to me as a guy. And the strange part is, sometimes I see myself wearing the clothes I did before I went to bed. In some situations it can be pretty awkward.

 

Some dreams can be pretty good wake-up calls if you can catch the signs. It's hard to, though, because it's easy to dismiss them as something fantastical.

[Sol]

Dreams are VERY strange, Russ. But sometimes they can show things that we want, like being able to go shirtless for me. Can't tell you how many times I've been comfortable shirtless in a dream. 

And one time when I was given a really nice love poem or the person singing me a song.

[Russ Fenrisson]

@SolThat sounds lovely. Dreams like that can be comforting.

 

When I'm shirtless in a dream, I sometimes feel uncomfortable because I think I'm being indecent. Once I remember I'm dreaming though, that feeling gradually goes away.

 

Some of the dreams I have where I wake up happy are ones where I hang out with familiar faces I haven't seen in ages or cuddling or hanging out with someone I feel comfortable with. I generally don't enjoy physical touch, but when I receive it from someone in my dreams I'm moderately attracted to, it feels very comforting. I'm just not that bold in real life. 😔

[WillowA113]

2 hours ago, Sol said:

Dreams are VERY strange, Russ. But sometimes they can show things that we want, like being able to go shirtless for me. Can't tell you how many times I've been comfortable shirtless in a dream. 

And one time when I was given a really nice love poem or the person singing me a song.

I hear lots of songs and poems in my dreams and I always think “wow that was beautiful! Im never gonna forget that!” And when I wake up, I can’t remember a word. It happens too much! 

[Russ Fenrisson]

@WillowA113That situation makes me think of Giuseppe Tartini's conception of the Devil Sonata. I can only imagine the pain he felt being unable to completely replicate what he heard in his dream.

 

Some of the ideas I've had for comics and stories originally came from dreams. And they were so vivid too. Like a motion comic at times and as a movie in others. They're always interesting to watch.