Align physical appearance with androgynous identity

[Ezra__A]

 

 

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post on the forum.

 

I feel / define as an androgynous person. Sometimes, it's more "in between", other times it's either "both" or "neither" male and female. I have been like this since early childhood, and I am really comfortable with it, intellectually and psychologically speaking. As a side note : I am not an activist / militant, wanting to use neutral pronouns, correcting people when they use female ones, refusing to use female restrooms, etc. No. It's really more an internal identity, and I just want to be able to live without being socially "imprisoned" and limited in a gender rôle that doesn't suit me.

 

Physically, I have always been a "tomboy" (or something similar as adult^^). That's how many people described me. Depending on my hair and clothes, people sometimes call me "Mister", and I'm fine with it. In fact, I love when I hear or see that people hesitate about my gender ! Because it feels "right". Truly right.

 

15 years ago, I started a FtM transition for a few months and realized that it wasn't the right path nor solution to be "aligned" with my true identity. Since then, I have been navigating in between, with more or less ease, depending on the periods. At the moment, I'm perfectly fine with my androgyny, using my gender-neutral name (Ezra) in more and more contexts, and having interests and activities more commonly seen as "male interests". Since I use the name Ezra for almost 20 years (outside of family and ± work), I am currently doing the procedure to add it on my official documents.

 

The only spot where I do not feel aligned at all with my androgyny is breasts. There are not small not too big (for average female person, not for me obviously), but they make me really uncomfortable. So I hide them (binders, tight sport bras, larger clothes), for many many years. For a long time, I tried to take it upon myself, not to think about it too much (not a success, clearly) and hope that may be with time this uneasiness would pass. But it clearly does'nt.

 

And since it has many consequences on different levels, I have decided to consult with a surgeon next month to see what are the options for me. For years, my dream was to have a flat chest. Today (for different reasons, including a family one, as I have a mother that has been quite "traumatized" during my FtM transition), I am considering not removing them completely but doing a significant size reduction, so I'd have just very small ones. Small enough to be truly happy with them. To be able to put a shirt without a bra or anything, and not feeling that I am "deformed" (I hate seing the bump at the breast spot, especially when I'm looking at myself on the side). To be able to really stand upright, breathe fully (on a literal and metaphorical sense) and regain the confidence I need (and had as an androgynous child) and can't fully have because my physical attitude is always impacted by my upright posture (make sure breasts are not visible, even with friends or family, because it makes me uncomfortable). I am also a big fan of being into the water, and finally being able to go without a shirt would be huge and so wonderful. I won't list all the positive things it would bring because it's not the topic but you get the idea.

 

I have searched on the forum if androgynous / non-binary people went to surgery to align their internal identity with their physical appearance but I didn't find it.

 

So my question is : did some of you have surgery ? What did you decide and why did you make it ? Are you feeling better now ? Would you have some advice or recommendations ?

 

Thank you for reading me and for your answers.

Sincerely

[Jackie C.]

I have two friends JUST like you. Neither of them have had their breasts done but both of them are very small. One wears a dysphoria sweater, but honestly they are one of the sunniest people alive. They describe their passion as, "Showing girls a good time" and I love them to pieces.

 

That said, I know several women who are considering a double mastectomy just to be rid of the things. 

 

Reading that, I realize that it isn't helpful, however some of our NB members follow me and they might have more insight.

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

Welcome Ezra.

 

[Mmindy]

Hey there Ezra,

 

Welcome to TransPulseForums, best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Desert Fox]

Ezra, what you shared makes perfect sense to me and your plan seems like a very reasonable plan. 
 

I am coming at this from an opposite, yet in some ways similar position, having started MTF transition but realized that wasn’t right for [us] either, but indeed having dysphoria with certain parts, which brings surgeries into question. I too am a big fan of the water and the beach and am having major challenges with that, not having had bottom surgery but having breast growth from HRT.

 

One of the biggest challenges in general with being human is that we have a vision of what we want to look like, but some of us start out looking very different from our vision (or we go thru unwanted changes) and it makes us uncomfortable and unhappy. So it’s a balancing act of deciding what to try to change and what can we learn to accept as-is.  We constantly must weigh the risks of not changing an aspect of our bodies vs changing it, and look at how realistic and feasible a change is and if that change really WILL make us happier long-term. This is not something just gender-variant people deal with….it’s cis men and women too who feel they need to change everything from their weight and build and skin and hair colour to getting a variety of cosmetic surgeries. Perhaps we are the only species that has this problem….

 

Some of us are also bigger risk takers than others by nature, have more money and social support and fewer health problems, thus surgeries are a better option. For others, surgeries are not as good an option. So we all have to look at all the factors that play into successful surgery, plus the luck of the draw. The possibilities of death, disfigurement or health complications from surgeries are small, but they happen sometimes. If you have permanent scarring….how will you manage that? If you don’t like how you look or feel afterward….how will you cope with that? How will you deal with other people’s commentary if it is negative? 

 

If the flexibility of as androgynous an upper body as possible makes you feel most comfortable, then it seems you are on the right path. Breast reduction  should reduce or eliminate the need for binding and maybe you can go topless at the beach… I suppose if you at some point wanted to look more busty for an event, you could use breast forms or a push up bra to achieve that.

 

Best of luck to you…

 

 

[Birdie]

On 8/26/2022 at 11:37 AM, Ezra__A said:

I am considering not removing them completely but doing a significant size reduction, so I'd have just very small ones. Small enough to be truly happy with them.

I had breast cancer in 1989 and they performed a lumpectomy on my left breast. It actually looked as if half the breast was removed and look quite odd. My left side was half the size of my right when they were done with me. 

All that removed tissue "grew back" and today my left breast is my largest of the girls. 

My aunt also had a breast reduction "twice" and the tissue grew back on her as well. 

 

It's my understanding that tissue can grow back if any of the breast tissue remains. 

[Owly]

On 8/27/2022 at 2:50 PM, Desert Fox said:

Ezra, what you shared makes perfect sense to me and your plan seems like a very reasonable plan. 
 

I am coming at this from an opposite, yet in some ways similar position, having started MTF transition but realized that wasn’t right for [us] either, but indeed having dysphoria with certain parts, which brings surgeries into question. I too am a big fan of the water and the beach and am having major challenges with that, not having had bottom surgery but having breast growth from HRT.

 

One of the biggest challenges in general with being human is that we have a vision of what we want to look like, but some of us start out looking very different from our vision (or we go thru unwanted changes) and it makes us uncomfortable and unhappy. So it’s a balancing act of deciding what to try to change and what can we learn to accept as-is.  We constantly must weigh the risks of not changing an aspect of our bodies vs changing it, and look at how realistic and feasible a change is and if that change really WILL make us happier long-term. This is not something just gender-variant people deal with….it’s cis men and women too who feel they need to change everything from their weight and build and skin and hair colour to getting a variety of cosmetic surgeries. Perhaps we are the only species that has this problem….

 

Some of us are also bigger risk takers than others by nature, have more money and social support and fewer health problems, thus surgeries are a better option. For others, surgeries are not as good an option. So we all have to look at all the factors that play into successful surgery, plus the luck of the draw. The possibilities of death, disfigurement or health complications from surgeries are small, but they happen sometimes. If you have permanent scarring….how will you manage that? If you don’t like how you look or feel afterward….how will you cope with that? How will you deal with other people’s commentary if it is negative? 

 

If the flexibility of as androgynous an upper body as possible makes you feel most comfortable, then it seems you are on the right path. Breast reduction  should reduce or eliminate the need for binding and maybe you can go topless at the beach… I suppose if you at some point wanted to look more busty for an event, you could use breast forms or a push up bra to achieve that.

 

Best of luck to you…

 

 

I enjoyed reading your post. Thank you. I'm starting HRT and my initial thoughts have been to present more androgynous...but started in my late 40 so undoing certain masculine features will prove very challenging even impossible...but i'm ok with that. I do enjoy my masculine features sometimes.

I have had thoughts about bottom surgery but very early in those thoughts and don't want to rush it. thanks again.

[KathyLauren]

Hello, @Owly. 

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse.  Starting in your late 40s is not at all late as these things go.  Many of use started in our 50s, 60s or even 70s.  You are wise not to rush things: just keep moving forward and enjoy the ride.

 

Please do stop by our introductions forum and tell us about yourself.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Ivy]

Welcome Owly

[April Marie]

Welcome @Owly!!  It is never too late to find yourself and your happiness. I'm only a year into a journey that started when I was almost 70. Like you suggested, I'm taking it slowly and working out what transition will look like for me, given the late start and other circumstances.

 

Take your time and jump in where you feel comfortable.

[Owly]

Thank you @April Marie