Is Your Transition Compulsive?

[Guest nymphblossom]

First it was growing my finger nails and hair, then beginning to develop my female voice, shaping my eyebrows, switching my guy underwear to panties and shaving my legs , laser beard removal, adding lip gloss, eyeliner, a bra and girl clothes to my everyday wardrobe, sitting and walking like a woman and now shaving my underarms and chest, when I get a new idea in my head, I don't have a choice, I just have to do it. I haven't discussed this with my therapist yet, but was wondering how typical this is for some of you all. It's been that way for me since my bell went off in the spring.

Blossom

[Guest michelle.butterfly]

First it was growing my finger nails and hair, then beginning to develop my female voice, shaping my eyebrows, switching my guy underwear to panties and shaving my legs , laser beard removal, adding lip gloss, eyeliner, a bra and girl clothes to my everyday wardrobe, sitting and walking like a woman and now shaving my underarms and chest, when I get a new idea in my head, I don't have a choice, I just have to do it. I haven't discussed this with my therapist yet, but was wondering how typical this is for some of you all. It's been that way for me since my bell went off in the spring.

Blossom

Blossom, (big hugs)

Sounds pretty much like my experience, although the bell going off analogy doesn't *quite* work for me. It's more like my veil was lifted or something...

I have this experience for more than just my transition too; I recently just knew it was time to get my nose peirced. I had been thinking about it for 15 years, but suddenly I knew it was time and so I did it, like right then.

I dunno when you've gone so long without being who you are, I don't really look at it like it's a compulsion so much as just a repair of what was wrong for so long.

Much love to you,

Michelle

[Guest mia 1]

'nymphblossom'First it was growing my finger nails and hair, then beginning to develop my female voice, shaping my eyebrows, switching my guy underwear to panties and shaving my legs , laser beard removal, adding lip gloss, eyeliner, a bra and girl clothes to my everyday wardrobe, sitting and walking like a woman and now shaving my underarms and chest, when I get a new idea in my head, I don't have a choice, I just have to do it. I haven't discussed this with my therapist yet, but was wondering how typical this is for some of you all. It's been that way for me since my bell went off in the spring.

Blossom

Nymph Blossom: Do please talk to your therapist about this. It will help in the long wrong. Doesn't sound compulsive to me maybe impulsive...check this out please mia

[Guest nymphblossom]

Thanks for the sanity check, Michelle. It's all so hard for me to understand. I am still constantly bouncing back and forth between denial and acceptance of what I am doing. My therapist says I have been in deep denial for a very very very long time, so I'm thinking this just may be the way it is for me. I'll do something like step into the shower and see the hair on my belly. I've looked at it a million times in the last 48 years, but now it's gross and I can't stand to see it. There is no thinking about the consequences, I pick up the razor and shave it off. Everything in my transition has been this way. Not (consciously) understanding why I was uncontrollably feminizing myself is what led me to therapy.

Blossom

[Guest nymphblossom]

Thank you for your concern, Mia. My therapist knows about this (it's all in my journal), we just haven't actually discussed it

Blossom

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

Sounds pretty familiar to me, actually. My steps have been small and slow, but once it started, it was unstoppable. There must be a hundred small milestones at this point.

It does seem compulsory almost, too. Im still a mildly repressive person, so the fact that my transition continues to fly in the face of my own fears and doubts and all of the friction it sometimes causes me says a lot for the power of my feelings on the matter.

[Guest nymphblossom]

It does seem compulsory...once it started, it was unstoppable...My transition continues to fly in the face of my own fears and doubts says a lot for the power of my feelings

Thank you for your post, Isobelle.

That is exactly how I feel. I think there are some subtle differences for us deeply repressed late bloomers. The fact that I am slowly becoming a woman is still not something I can even freely admit I want or for that matter I am doing to myself. Clear nail polish, a subtle shift in the way I eat or clear my throat, a little less concern about someone seeing some aspect of my new femininity, there is no going back but every day there is another small unstoppable step.

Blossom

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

When the Gosh darned broke for me it was more powerful than any addiction someone could face. I could not even get it off my mind for a moment of time. I jumped right into living full time I couldn't wait for the hair removal to be done or anything, I just quit living the lie and out came a new person. I can't say I'm the same impulsive woman I was three years ago because those impulse's have slowed to a snails crawl and I'm doing some much better mentally than I had ever done before. But now that I have made up my mind there is nothing or no one that can change my corse. My therapist is even proud of me because I haven't backslide once.

[Guest nymphblossom]

When the Gosh darned broke for me it was more powerful than any addiction someone could face. I could not even get it off my mind for a moment of time...

That's exactly what I'm talking about, Charlene, addiction is a much better word for it than compulsion. When my head decides it's time for me to take another step, there is absolutely no resisting or stopping it. I feel happier and more alive than I have evr been in my life, but I am struggling with acceptance after keeping this part of me locked inside for so many years. I can't even imagine jumping into living full time!

Blossom

[Guest angie]

First it was growing my finger nails and hair, then beginning to develop my female voice, shaping my eyebrows, switching my guy underwear to panties and shaving my legs , laser beard removal, adding lip gloss, eyeliner, a bra and girl clothes to my everyday wardrobe, sitting and walking like a woman and now shaving my underarms and chest, when I get a new idea in my head, I don't have a choice, I just have to do it. I haven't discussed this with my therapist yet, but was wondering how typical this is for some of you all. It's been that way for me since my bell went off in the spring.

Blossom

Sweety,

The pure joy of finding yourself,and turning her free to explore herself is a wonderous time.

It is all so brand new and exciting.It is this driven path we walk that blow folks away.

As they see us change so very quickly from who we were,to who we really are.

So yes,I would say it becomes compulsive.Because we open our hearts,minds,arms and legs,

wrap them around her tightly,and never let go.The surrender to your womanhood,your destiny.

Hugs Miss Blossom,

Angie

[Guest Charlene_Leona]

When the Gosh darned broke for me it was more powerful than any addiction someone could face. I could not even get it off my mind for a moment of time...

That's exactly what I'm talking about, Charlene, addiction is a much better word for it than compulsion. When my head decides it's time for me to take another step, there is absolutely no resisting or stopping it. I feel happier and more alive than I have evr been in my life, but I am struggling with acceptance after keeping this part of me locked inside for so many years. I can't even imagine jumping into living full time!

Blossom

Yes it was like being a member of the Polar Bear Club jumping into freezing water for the first time, OMG The world got real cold real quick, But that was for about the first year. Once I figured out how to do my makeup and hair oh yea dressing appropriately, I went through my second adolescence and i was had but at the same time I came out a much better person. The addiction is still there to finish transition and I that god that I don't have any other addictions to ruin this transition, it's hard enough.

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

It does seem compulsory...once it started, it was unstoppable...My transition continues to fly in the face of my own fears and doubts says a lot for the power of my feelings

Thank you for your post, Isobelle.

That is exactly how I feel. I think there are some subtle differences for us deeply repressed late bloomers. The fact that I am slowly becoming a woman is still not something I can even freely admit I want or for that matter I am doing to myself. Clear nail polish, a subtle shift in the way I eat or clear my throat, a little less concern about someone seeing some aspect of my new femininity, there is no going back but every day there is another small unstoppable step.

Blossom

I hope that you can get to the point where you are comfortable admitting that its what you want. That seems important.

I've not had that particular problem, at least not since the initial admission that I felt this way.

I KNOW I want this, I just spent a long time wondering why and wondering if it was "ok" to want it. I recently, and for no apparent reason, crossed a personal threshold where I am no longer interested at all in the "why" question and no longer care whether or not its ok. I am significantly less interested in debating the nature of the condition with people or with searching for meaning in it. I think I wanted, for a while, for there to be a reason. I think I wanted it to be a "condition" because this absolved me of the responsibility for my own need and for my resulting actions. I do not doubt that there IS a condition or that there IS a reason. I just know, now, that it doesn't matter- to me. This is how I am. This is what I need to do. This is what I want. This is where my life is going. This is right happening right NOW. To admit these things seems essential to success in some way.

I feel like the emphasis is missplaced in many discussions about transition. Its always placed on the "change" that is occuring. Yes, there are changes. Significant ones, too, certainly. But the increasingly clear reality for me is that I spent most of the first 32 years of my life trying to "change" my gender- to be male- and what is happening now is actually NOT so much a transition as an act of acceptance and acquesence to the actual situation, which is that I am not male in the sense that is most meaningful to me- the sense of WHO rather than WHAT. I tried for a long time to change the WHO, and I found this to be a terrible way to live. It was my Gordian Knot. I could not accomplish it, and I no longer wish to try. And failing to unravel the knot by the usual means, I have now decided to adress the problem more directly and destroy the proverbial knot altogether.

Ive decided, after struggling with fear and doubt and confusion and misery, to be a person, to be a human being, to live honestly and to try to be happy. That is the end output of the equation for me, and to be able to say, "yes, I want this" is important, to me, for that simple reason.

I recently found out that an artist that I have admired for many years is trans. Her bio spoke to this subject more succinctly and perfectly than anything I have heard yet. She said, essentially, that she used to be a boy, "superficially," that she is now a girl, and that she is much happier now. She said that she finds the subject to be "not all that interesting to dwell on." I think that these statements are all very healthy and inspiring.

I didnt choose to be male or female or transsexual, but I _have_ chosen to act, in many ways, in my own best interests by ceasing to ignore my nature, by ceasing to abuse myself, and by becoming a complete person. Thats what transition means to me.

Thanks for the great topic and discussion and good luck on your journey : )

[Guest 71christy09]

I have been debating about replying to this topic since I am not sure I feel the little things I do are compulsive, however they are just things that some how instantly became part of my daily (or every other day) routine. Since the end of last month when I decided to accept how I feel about myself instead of shoving everything to some dark barricaded corner I some how created a routine when I am home.

I get up, start the coffee, get on the computer and have a few cups. An hour or two later I will get in the shower with my sharp razor and make sure to get all the unwanted hair off (that in it's self makes me feel alot more comfortable). I threw out my bar of ivory soap and use a body wash now, a nice lavendar & vanilla scent, and wash my hair. I never used conditioner before and suddenly I am...my hair feels soooo much better now . Once out of the shower I shave my face not once, but at least twice to get the closest shave possible and then I remove all the dead skin...wow, what a difference that makes!!! Then comes the lotion. Somewhere during the day I make sure my toe nails are trimmed (never did that before either, can not tell ya how many pairs of socks I have ruined over the years) if need be the old polish removed and a new coat of Honeymoon Red applied. I also do the same with my finger nails, which I have let grow out a bit, only I use a clear polish.

Now I travel alot for work, in a hotel every other day/night, and sometimes I seem to forget my razor or some other important item at home so my routine gets all fouled up. Those days I kick myself for falling back onto a routine created over years of only carrying a tooth brush, tooth paste and deoderant.

Now that being said. Yesterday when I was in the hotel, I realized I left the darned razor at home again and the sparse hair on my chest was sprouting again. I picked up the tweezers and started plucking. It took me about an hour to get all 40 or so hairs I will say that move was probably a bit compulsive.

[Guest Donna Jean]

I hope that you can get to the point where you are comfortable admitting that its what you want. That seems important.

I've not had that particular problem, at least not since the initial admission that I felt this way.

I KNOW I want this, I just spent a long time wondering why and wondering if it was "ok" to want it. I recently, and for no apparent reason, crossed a personal threshold where I am no longer interested at all in the "why" question and no longer care whether or not its ok. I am significantly less interested in debating the nature of the condition with people or with searching for meaning in it. I think I wanted, for a while, for there to be a reason. I think I wanted it to be a "condition" because this absolved me of the responsibility for my own need and for my resulting actions. I do not doubt that there IS a condition or that there IS a reason. I just know, now, that it doesn't matter- to me. This is how I am. This is what I need to do. This is what I want. This is where my life is going. This is right happening right NOW. To admit these things seems essential to success in some way.

I feel like the emphasis is missplaced in many discussions about transition. Its always placed on the "change" that is occuring. Yes, there are changes. Significant ones, too, certainly. But the increasingly clear reality for me is that I spent most of the first 32 years of my life trying to "change" my gender- to be male- and what is happening now is actually NOT so much a transition as an act of acceptance and acquesence to the actual situation, which is that I am not male in the sense that is most meaningful to me- the sense of WHO rather than WHAT. I tried for a long time to change the WHO, and I found this to be a terrible way to live. It was my Gordian Knot. I could not accomplish it, and I no longer wish to try. And failing to unravel the knot by the usual means, I have now decided to adress the problem more directly and destroy the proverbial knot altogether.

Ive decided, after struggling with fear and doubt and confusion and misery, to be a person, to be a human being, to live honestly and to try to be happy. That is the end output of the equation for me, and to be able to say, "yes, I want this" is important, to me, for that simple reason.

I didnt choose to be male or female or transsexual, but I _have_ chosen to act, in many ways, in my own best interests by ceasing to ignore my nature, by ceasing to abuse myself, and by becoming a complete person. Thats what transition means to me. Thanks for the great topic and discussion and good luck on your journey : )

OMG, Izzy....

That was a two hankie post for me......How very powerful.....

Not accusatory .....not worried about some cosmic cruel joke...you love yourself! And accept who you are ....no blame to be laid....just be happy and continue with your life.....

Can we solve the mystries of this in our life time? Do we really need to?

Do we need to lay blame on something or someone?

You sound that you have found a comfortable resolution to all of this and I admire you so much for that! You's on a path to happiness...so many of us tried to shoehorn ourselves into societies norms at the expense of our sanity!

And you said.....what it is.....it is.....!

Good for you, Girlfriend!

That was one of the best that I've ever read!

Thank you, Honey!

Donna Jean

[Guest joeytheman16]

So just from a guy's point of view, not so much compulsive but impulsive. For me, I found out it was possible to be a man after that no one has been able to stop me. I have always worn guy's clothing and been friends with mostly girls (I tend to be a ladies man...in my own little world ) I have come out to my family, my fiance, and almost all of my friends. I started binding after I found out there is a way to hide them. I cut all my hair off (which I had always wanted to do.) For some reason it just seams natural.

--Joey

[Guest nymphblossom]

I was petrified to start this thread but have learned so much from everyone's replies. It has been very reassuring to know that I am not alone with the way my transition has embraced me. Thank you to each and every one who took the time to post. Maybe compulsion wasn't the best word...I apologize if I offended anyone. But I think we are all expressing the same thing whether we describe it as unstoppable, addiction, impulsive, surrender, instantly becoming part of our daily routine. or a badly needed repair.

I know what I am doing is right for me. The way I feel, the way everything is lining to make this possible. What I am struggling with is acceptance. My wife reminded me yesterday that I have never liked change. And this may be the biggest of my life. But everyday the light of my inner self shine brighter. Every day I am more comfortable with who I am becoming. Every day makes it easier to accept.

Blossom

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

OMG, Izzy....

Good for you, Girlfriend!

That was one of the best that I've ever read!

Thank you, Honey!

Donna Jean

Thanks Donna Jean : )

I meant every word of it, but I should also say that I think its totally normal to struggle and to feel doubt and to be afraid. Despite my certainty, despite my determination, I still feel these things. They are part of the long walk we are all on, I think.

I should also say that I am very grateful for this forum. I have met a lot of very inspiring people here, learned a lot, and even found my therapist through this site. It has literally changed my life, and I am glad to be a part of it and to be sharing my own journey here.

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

Sounds pretty familiar to me, actually. My steps have been small and slow, but once it started, it was unstoppable. There must be a hundred small milestones at this point.

It does seem compulsory almost, too. Im still a mildly repressive person, so the fact that my transition continues to fly in the face of my own fears and doubts and all of the friction it sometimes causes me says a lot for the power of my feelings on the matter.

My transition has taken on a life of its own, my therapist and shrink dont understand why "I WANT IT ALL AND WANT IT NOW" but honestly ive been mixed and messed up for 50+ years and now have the road to fix the issue. Why should I have to wait on someone elses time table?

[Guest AllisonD]

My transition has taken on a life of its own, my therapist and shrink dont understand why "I WANT IT ALL AND WANT IT NOW" but honestly ive been mixed and messed up for 50+ years and now have the road to fix the issue. Why should I have to wait on someone elses time table?

Joanna, that's precisely how it happened for me. I wanted to do what I wanted to do and NO ONE was going to stop me. They blocked me where they could, they kept me from being me at home, but whenever I was out from under a physically repressive thumb I blossomed. The timetable thing was not applicable in my day, but the concept still applies. Why should I have had to wait [for permission]? I had to do it, so I did it. Went as far as physically possible, and then when I was permitted to petition the court for a name change and was otherwise out from under, I finished what I had started.

I learned the lesson that you can do anything if you are willing to pay the price. The price can be astronomical, and it can take a lot of planning and determination, but you can do anything.

Allison