Really have no idea what to do

[ashsfire]

Ok, I'm having a spiral-into-the-black-hole kind of day. I have very few people to talk to and no money for a therapist, so here I find myself.

 

Here's the deal. I have always felt male, ever since I was a kid, for as long as I can remember. Growing up, terms like "transgender" weren't really a mainstream thing, so it's only been in more recent times that I've really come to understand who/what I am. That's great, I feel like I've finally found the right "me". But the right "me" feels completely trapped by my own body. I am a naturally lean and tall person, I'm not that big in the chest area, and I feel completely blessed there. However, I feel like I'm at a crossroad that I can't cross or take a turn on.

 

I don't want HRT. For the most part, I'm ok with my body and can actually pass as male fairly well. But there are two things. First, I absolutely hate my chest. I hate the words associated with the female chest, I hate the look of it (literally makes me want to gag), I hate the feel of it. For those who think it's a great and wonderful thing, that's totally cool and I'm glad you do, but for me personally, it is awful beyond all reason. I can't afford surgery, and I hate wearing chest-binding stuff or sports bras. I have been doing a ton of working out and exercise, and for a while I was actually getting my chest size small enough that I was actually pretty comfortable just wearing a t-shirt with nothing under it and I looked more or less flat-chested, and I was actually gaining visible muscle, which was super great. I actually felt pretty good about things.

 

Then along comes the second issue. I have horrible, extremely painful periods. I recently gave up trying to manage it and find ways to reduce the pain, and I asked my doctor to basically make it stop. So she has me trying a progestin-only pill that I have to take daily (I hate this, it reminds me that my body is not male even if i feel that way, but we're using it as a test to see how i react to it - I've reacted really badly to various hormone things in the past). Now, I feel mostly human again as opposed to this creature sinking deeper and deeper into depression every day because I've literally spent every single vacation and sick hour from my job for the last five years on taking time off just to feel like crap when "that time" comes around. Now, I might actually get to remember what it's like to take vacations and not have my entire life governed by this looming fear of feeling like crap for a week every month and the other two weeks of consequence that comes with it. This is a fantastic opportunity. BUT. Ever since I have started taking this pill, my chest area has gotten larger and painful, and there's absolutely no sign or hope of that going away, and it's taking a serious toll on me mentally and emotionally. I can't even do half of my exercises (definitely no running or jarring exercises) because it hurts too much.

 

I really don't know what to do anymore. I go off the pill, I face no vacation, a week of intense pain, two more weeks of emotional roller coasters and other side-effects. But I get a week or two where my chest area feels as it should. I stay on the pill, I actually get vacation, I won't have a week of intense pain and all the other side-effects, but I constantly feel like puking my guts out every time I look in the mirror or whenever I feel things moving under my shirt, I definitely won't ever pass as male wearing a t-shirt, I don't sleep well because any position aside from directly on my back makes my chest hurt...

 

I really, honestly have no idea what to do anymore. I feel like I'm trapped in this body that I try my best to love and take care of and make the best of, and that turns around and gives me the middle finger no matter what I do.

[KathyLauren]

I am sorry that you are going through this.  Gender dysphoria is unpleasant at the best of times, and having regular intense pain and/or development of the wrong areas at the same time must be terrible.

 

Have you levelled with your doctor about your dysphoria?  Perhaps there are other treatments for your painful periods that do not involve unwanted growth?  Perhaps the doctor can come up with a treatment plan that respects the physical needs of your true gender, or refer you to someone who can.

[ashsfire]

54 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

Have you levelled with your doctor about your dysphoria?  Perhaps there are other treatments for your painful periods that do not involve unwanted growth?  Perhaps the doctor can come up with a treatment plan that respects the physical needs of your true gender, or refer you to someone who can.

I actually sent her an email about it this morning because I realized that I don't think I have mentioned it to her (I feel a bit silly about forgetting such an important thing). I hope there are other treatments if this one ends up not working. My doctor is really great and supportive and wants to do what's right for me, I feel really lucky to have found her, so I guess that is a good positive thing. Thanks for reminding me of that 🙂