Identity Upended after 35 years

[Mio]

Here's the condensed version: after 35 years of an unshakeable identity, a random but undeniably strong connection to a stranger has completely turned my sense of self on its head. For those interested in more background, please keep reading. I am so physically and mentally sick over this experience of feeling like I've become exactly what I hate that I'm not sure what to do with myself. 

I'm 35; AFAB, despite medically/hormonally testing as male in utero.

After a lifetime of waiting, and in recent years of coming to grips with my doctor's revelation that the cause of my questionable birth circumstances is some form of being intersex, (most likely suffering from AIS), I'm currently two years into "transition" on low dose testosterone. The low dose simply as a precaution to my medical history and also in efforts to preserve my singing voice.

I haven't changed too much, other than some fat redistribution and my voice being a little bit lower, but not yet to the point of sounding full on male. I don't pass too well in public (mostly due to my large chest and short height), and I'm still walking the line at work where my co-workers still treat me as a female, but for me and my individual needs, I couldn't have scripted a better transition for myself.

I've been gearing up for my top surgery, planned for spring of next year; something I've dreamt about since lazing around as a kid wondering if I cut my breasts off with a knife and called 911 whether they'd stitch me up without them. For me, top surgery felt like the final step in becoming who I was should have been all along.

Up until a week ago, I had reached my peak, unquestionably happy with myself and living my best, most incredible life.

And then I encountered a man who has turned my entire identity as I've known it completely upside down.

I didn't know what "trans" was until around 19/20 when I was spilling my guts to a girl I had feelings for and her response was that I "sound like a trans person."

My lived experience even from my earliest memories as a toddler has always been male, as in, my perception of self and the world around me. Though I never had the words to articulate that as a child, I was lucky enough that I didn't have any real gender roles forced on me as a child (up until I got caught with my first girlfriend anyway), so I was free for a good portion of my youth to simply be comfortable as myself. I never experienced any dysphoria because I fully expected to grow up and develop as a man. I was allowed to pick out boys clothes and toys, go shirtless with my guy friends, etc., so I never experienced any real alarm bells for a good while.

My adolescent years were the opposite, being enrolled in private school where the girls uniforms were skirts, and my conflicting puberty (at age 10) was nothing short of traumatic. I got caught in a few precarious situations, ie. kissing and snuggling with my girl friends while we played house, or stuffing my shorts to make my physical silhouette match better with what I thought it should be, followed by the sucker punch of menses not long after. My parents, in their disgust that their "daughter" was behaving in such a way got doctors involved, and there began the rabbit hole of invasive tests, exams, female HRT and other meds to combat the overload of testosterone in my system, and finally, when everything else had failed, a surgery at 13 to "save me from developing cancer from the extra body parts I didn't need." I swallowed a large part of this shame, disgusted myself at being branded a "lesbian" and retreated into myself, attempting to save face by dating a guy who'd been my best friend for several years.

I consoled myself with the idea that in essence, our relationship was just that of two guys having fun, going hiking, camping, and riding ATVs. Yet at face value, I had the cover and "normalcy" of appearing to be in a hetero relationship. It was a good cover for a few years, and I believe this is where I began developing a mindset of trying to determine what I could "tolerate" in life. As in, what was the criteria for how could I best cope with being treated as a female, by a man and by the outside world? What parts of dating a cis man could I stomach (while being secretly male-minded) and where was the breaking point? I eventually learned that it was the moment that he expected me to participate sexually with him (as a female).

That was my first and last true relationship (at age 18) with a cis male.

I've always been predominantly attracted to girls/women. I've always had a desire even from a young age to one day have a wife. To be a provider, to be a protector. The problem, which I've only recently come to understand about myself, is that I have limited attraction. While I adore the emotional aspects of the attraction, and even have a somewhat wolfish physical attraction to women (as a man), I lack a sexual one, which has ultimately caused any of my relationships with females to fall short of "completion" if you will.

On the other hand, I've also had to come to acknowledge my more fleeting attraction to men (also as a man). I had a crush on a cute boy in junior high, and in my 20's dated a trans man who had me ready to declare myself gay. Though it's extremely rare for all of the dots to connect (emotional, physical, sexual) with a man vs. a woman, there is a clear difference in my attraction to men, as I find the male physique and anatomy so incredibly appealing whereas I'm more indifferent to that of females. Female bodies and anatomy don't turn me on, no matter how well I can appreciate one's beauty.

Strictly for the sake of self exploration, I've "tried on" the idea of dating as a female several times, and in short, it's revolting. Even in the middle of this situation, I've reactivated an old female dating profile just to see how it feels, if something's changed, and it's just as horrible and uncomfortable as ever. I don't know why this one situation is so different.

Somebody once told me their belief that I was subconsciously trying to make myself into the very person I needed as a partner. This thought has now come back to haunt me as I struggle to process how this recent encounter has snowballed into this nightmare.

I came across this man inadvertently, and actually found his circumstances highly amusing at first because I identified SO strongly with him. His emotional nature, his work and colleague-related struggles, his pursuit of the woman he had feelings for. There was this feeling while looking at him that was like "damn, he's me." Like, if I could envision me from the inside out, I'd be him. I laughed it off for a few days until the uninvited opinion from above bubbled up in my memory.

I encountered him again around a week later and again found myself commiserating with him and his life struggles. And then it started happening. The more I got to know him, the more it seemed like I was really talking to myself, hearing my same thoughts and feelings spoken out loud by someone else. I started noticing how attractive I found him to be. His feelings, his character, his goals, interests, and beliefs. It's like he's the actual cis male version of me, the embodiment of everything I am on the inside, and it's all resonated somewhere so deep that I caught myself starting to go down the road of "wow, too bad, what a good match he would've made." And then it dawned on me, that I wasn't thinking of him from a male point of view.

Most recently, I've come to learn about his split from a former girlfriend, and the fact that he has a 7 year old daughter. Me, someone who has never even considered the idea of children, is now suddenly having these fantasies of this happy ever after Brady bunch family, and I am absolutely terrified. No one on this earth has ever made me feel even remotely female, and though I still see the world through the same male-shaded eyes as I always have, there's this strange contentedness at the idea of a normal hetero relationship with him (however far fetched it may be in reality). Being diminutive and small in his company is actually appealing, where it's been nothing but infuriating around any other man, platonically or romantically.

If anything, that fact only serves to scare me more so, because I could understand being shaken by someone who reciprocates your feelings. But to have a virtual stranger turn my entire world and identity upside down is frightening. I've asked myself is it because I feel like I already know him so intimately because he's basically me? I don't know, but it's affected me so much that I feel like I'm now having thoughts that aren't even mine.

Today is my 5th day off testosterone, and this scares me even more. I'm terrified that someone could cause a switch in me to flip like this. It's why I held off for 33 years, afraid of doing something permanent that I may regret no matter how painful my existence was up to that point. To make absolutely sure that I'd explored every possible avenue, that I'd looked under every rock to be sure I wasn't making a mistake, and when my medical history seemed to validate everything, it was a no brainer. It seemed like the ultimate truth. It still is. Only, I can honestly say that this man would make me give living as a female an honest and worthwhile go, however foreign and uncomfortable I'd be even attempting to wear the clothes or the makeup.

I'd never change a thing about what I've done so far in my transition, but there is now a very real fear and trepidation I have about continuing any further. What if I meet someone else that makes me feel like this and I've gone too far?

There are so many variables that make me happy in life, it's not as simple as asking "what could you live with?"

With this man, I can actually see myself for the first time in my life as someone's wife and a caretaker to his child. Outside of this newfound little bubble and in every other scenario, I'm happiest as someone else's husband, whether they be male or female.

I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown, for one, because I have no idea what this means for me now. I feel stuck, like I'm frustrated where I am, but now also scared to continue moving forward.

Secondly, I'm so angry that I've become exactly what I hate. Someone who was so sure, such an advocate for why after 33 years of waiting transitioning was the right decision and how I'd only wished I'd found the courage to do it sooner. And now? I'm that person eating their words. Bringing doubt and shame and being the very reason why people in this community aren't taken seriously. That person is now me, and the level of hatred I feel for myself is scary. I don't know what else to do or where to turn, for fear my doctors will halt my treatment completely should this ever pass, and that I'll be denied surgery if there's even a hint of doubt. I don't want to lie, but being honest means my entire life as I've believed in it is now in question.

 

If you've read this far, thank you for listening and for the opportunity to vent in a safe place.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums.  I hope you have, or can find, a Therapist who has experience in both Gender and Intersex counseling to help you on this, it is a way of dealing with a big load of things that go into all of this. 

[Ivy]

Welcome Mio.

I hope as Vicky has said, that you can find someone to help you work through your confusion.  

[Vidanjali]

@Mio thanks for sharing your story. I hope you will find support and guidance to let go of the shame and self-hatred. You are not singly responsible for being the "exemplary" trans person (intersex condition notwithstanding) because there is no such thing. You are still a strong and powerful advocate because you have continued to explore yourself and do your utmost to be true to yourself. Consider that there are practically infinitely many ways to do gender and sexuality - it's not necessarily just one way or the other, as I imagine you must understand having experienced many variations on self-image, emotional attraction, sexual attraction, romantic attraction, familial attraction, yourself. You are valid. You are neither a disappointment nor a detractor. Your life is a unique gift and will unfold as it will. I hope you will find your way to acceptance, whatever that looks like, realizing that it's an ongoing process. Keep the faith and continue to explore. I pray the distress you're now feeling will be transformed into joy of being you, however you are at any moment.