Is it that hard to find a relationship?

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I guess I'm fortunate in that I found my forever family before I started down the intersex/trans journey.  But one of my friends is trans, and she was telling me this evening that she is practically unable to find a decent partner.  She's in her mid 20's, has a great outgoing personality, is kind, politically moderate, and very cute.  She started her transition early in life, so she's comfortable with who she is and how she presents herself. 

 

She did mention that she thinks one thing that scares off the guys is that she's keeping her "original equipment" below the waist.  Like me, she's got issues with scalpels and needles.  Could that choice be hindering her relationship chances?  Or is the dating market for trans girls really that difficult? 

[VickySGV]

The dating market for Trans women with "factory equipment" is different from Cis women or even Post Op Trans women I am sorry to say.  Rural areas with "heteronormativity" ideals will consider her a Homosexual Man and not a girl.  In more sexually diverse and cosmopolitan places there are more possible takers who may be Gay or other orientations.  Sadly id does center on what sexual equipment a partner may be interested in and feel comfortable with, but I do know wonderful partnerships and even marriages happen. 

[Ivy]

In my70's, with original equipment, in a mostly rural area, I see little chance to find anyone interested.

It is a bit depressing at times.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I suspect that dating at 60+ is difficult, trans or not.  And I guess having original equipment would make things more difficult too due to the "gay" aspect. 

 

Still...my friend is in her 20's, very cute, very feminine.  The fact that she's single is just so surprising to me.  She lives in the city, so I kind of assumed she had choices. 

[Betty K]

I imagine your friend has plenty of choices for hookups and casual encounters, since many men actually prefer the “original equipment”. Unfortunately, those men are often repressed and embarrassed regarding their attraction to trans women. That’s not to say it’s impossible to find men brave enough to own up to their own desires, but I think they may be rare. 

[Betty K]

All of which is to say, finding sexual partners should be easy, but finding commitment could be difficult.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

36 minutes ago, Betty K said:

All of which is to say, finding sexual partners should be easy, but finding commitment could be difficult.

That's definitely been how she's described it.  She really wants a forever partner (or two), but all she's found are people who want to hook up and drop her afterward.  You could say she's involuntarily celibate due to having self-respect.  She doesn't want to be treated like a commodity, and I don't blame her.  That same feeling kept me from finding a relationship until age 26. 

 

I hadn't thought that some men might prefer her original equipment...I wonder if that is a connection to the thread about MtF girls finding relationships with gay men?  I suppose if it works for both parties, it could be a solution. 

 

She's hanging out with my family quite a bit, and she enjoys having a place she can be.  But I can feel there's pain and longing inside her...she wants her own forever family.  I wish I could do something about that. 

 

[Betty K]

Are the men who like original equipment gay? That’s a difficult question. If we believe what they say then no, they are pretty much all straight (at least in my experience). But, given how some of them fetishise and obsess over girls with penises, I have wondered whether many of them are closeted gay. But tbh I don’t really think that, on the whole, either. I actually think of many of the men who desire me as a different sexual orientation of their own, only one that doesn’t yet have a name and is too ashamed to have its own pride colours. And then of course many of them may be pansexual. 

 

In my experience there do exist men who (a) treat me as a woman, (b) do not fetishise my equipment, and (c) are not afraid to be seen in public with me, but they are a very small demographic.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Betty K I haven't really encountered the fetish aspect, but perhaps that's because of my particular body, location, and social circle.  Perhaps those men are more bisexual, if there's a specific attraction to the fact that a girl has male equipment below?  Perhaps an attraction to a form of cognitive dissonance?  Or maybe you're right that it is a whole different category entirely.  Or maybe categorizing is the problem itself? 

 

I sometimes wonder how it works in my husband's mind.  He married me as a girl...now I'm not really a girl anymore.  He's straight, but our intimate connection remains really good in spite of my changes.  I think sometimes love can overcome sexual issues, at least in an existing relationship.  I hope that can be true of new relationships too. 

[Betty K]

I think bisexual does not really cover it, since trans women are not men. Then again, I have to acknowledge that, if a man is specifically attracted to my genitalia, then he is not seeing me entirely as a woman either. But you’re right, categorising is in itself a problem. 

 

I’m heartened to hear about you and your husband. That is what I want to find, a man who loves me for me, and is not bothered by what it means about his sexuality. I do think it’s possible.

[StephieGurl]

I consider myself self-sexual. But I am romantically attract to woman, but not sexually. I  even have issues kissing my partner, let alone another woman. I also consider myself as polyamorous. 

 

It seems like love and attraction are so damn complicated. If the world were only heterosexual would things be better. if it were it certainly would be much more boring