Help! I’m stuck

[Betty K]

Hi everyone, I wonder if any of you can help me with a problem I’m having lately. I feel, on the one hand, totally overjoyed to finally be seeing and feeling tangible changes from HRT, but on the other hand horribly dysphoric because I have not gone full time yet. So I spend basically 80% of my life presenting male even though I now feel more feminine than ever on the inside. Meanwhile, at four months on HRT, I am rapidly developing breasts and am aware, with the Australian summer approaching, that I may not be able to hide them much longer. But I haven’t yet finished hair removal (after roughly a year of laser I still have a bunch of grey hairs on my face and have only just started facial electrolysis), and I’m planning hair follicle transplants to fix my receding hairline but they take a year(!) to grow in. I could possibly wear a wig full time, but not in summer, and anyway I’d rather not. 

 

But, having said all that, I often wonder how much more I can stand of this, and whether any day now I will be forced to go full time whether I feel physically ready or not. Emotionally, I am SO ready. Every single time I go anywhere presenting female I feel happy and confident. But I don’t want to be a bearded lady for two days prior to every electrolysis session, or to have to either wear a wig in sweltering heat or reveal my widow’s peaks. Every cis person I talk to (ie, therapists, counsellor, my ex-wife) tells me I should/could just present female anyway and not care what anyone thinks. But it’s easy for them to say. 

 

So I guess I’m wondering, what would you do? What did you do? Am I just being vain? 

 

In case you’re wondering, I’m out to my best friends and even many of the people at my current workplace, but I go to work looking like a garden variety cis male. 

 

 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I'd say just push forward as quickly as you can in whatever way you can.  Vanity and presenting well are definitely things to consider.  How much longer will electrolysis take? 

 

I sympathize with the stuck feeling.  I'm having to accept the fact that I'll always be inbetween girl and boy.  My doctors have told me that because of my unique intersex plumbing, I'd be better off just leaving things alone than attempting any sort of surgical transition.  I pass pretty well as a boy, but that's about where it stops. 

 

Hopefully you'll come to your own good decision about this. 

[Vidanjali]

Hey @Betty K . I'm not a trans woman, so I can only advise from my own point of view. It seems to me that the emotional readiness is extremely powerful and ought to supercede the other considerations you mention. It's wonderful to hear how confident and happy you've felt presenting femme. I understand it's not nearly the same thing, but cis women also have days when they don't believe they look as feminine as they "should". Attitude always goes a very long way, and I think if you give yourself the chance to be out more, that any initial nervousness will abate in time - probably more quickly than you imagine. 

 

A suggestion for concealing your hairline - a wide headband or scarf looks fun and fashionable, and is cooler for summer temperatures than a wig. These, for example:

[Betty K]

Hi @awkward-yet-sweet, unfortunately electrolysis will take up to eighteen months and there’s nothing I can do about that. Hair has a growth cycle of about six months and hairs require removal up to three times to be permanently gone. However, within a year or less my appointments should become much more widely spaced. 

 

12 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

I'm having to accept the fact that I'll always be inbetween girl and boy. 

 

I feel I will have to accept this fact too, since I’m probably too old for hormones to make me “passable” and I am pretty squeamish about surgery. But as I said in my other post, I have a lot of pride around being trans. I really don’t need to pass for the sake of my own sense of self, but it would be good to be able to do so for my personal safety. And there is a level of femininity I am aiming for which makes me feel comfortable and less dysphoric.

 

“Intersex plumbing” does sound quite unique. Without needing to know anything more about your genitals, I am curious about your story if you’d like to share it.

[Betty K]

Hi @Vidanjali, thanks so much for your comment. (And you have an intriguing and exotic name, btw. I have never gotten around to mentioning that before.)

 

You’re right that emotional readiness is powerful — it’s really an explosive feeling that makes me desperate to just be me. So, whatever I think about facial hair and widow’s peaks, I may have to leap soon regardless what my inner critic says.

 

The headbands are a great idea, thanks! I’ll try to work something out. And I guess I may just be wearing covid masks four days a week for a while — ugh. We’ll see.

[Bri2020]

1 hour ago, Betty K said:

Hi @Vidanjali, thanks so much for your comment. (And you have an intriguing and exotic name, btw. I have never gotten around to mentioning that before.)

 

You’re right that emotional readiness is powerful — it’s really an explosive feeling that makes me desperate to just be me. So, whatever I think about facial hair and widow’s peaks, I may have to leap soon regardless what my inner critic says.

 

The headbands are a great idea, thanks! I’ll try to work something out. And I guess I may just be wearing covid masks four days a week for a while — ugh. We’ll see.

I understand: once the dam breaks it's hard to keep the flood from happening.  You have to progress as your own situation will allow but here's the thing: you will never be in an ideal situation to do so. There is always something that makes the next step inconvenient, challenging etc.  I did do a lot of electrolysis while covid mask wearing was common so that helped but beard removal can take years so delaying just because of that is going to be very hard.  I'm still working on mine 2 plus years later. 

I used to worry about passing or safety but eventually realized that those things where just my fears, and as such, were blown out of proportion to reality.  Unless you are transitioning around puberty the chances of fully passing 100% of the time are almost zero anyways. You definitely have taken a huge step in being "proud to be trans" .  

As you say, summer is approaching for you and unless you plan on wearing layers in the heat, the boobs are gonna give you away so just own them and relish the novelty of your new body. (the novelty wears off and they just become a part of you that you barely notice eventually).  Buy some fun swim wear and enjoy the summer! Big summer sun hats are also good for the hairline issues btw.  Depending on your hair length/style there are ways to do your hair to minimize the widows peak as well. Go find an affirming hair stylist if you don't already have one to help with that.  

As you have noted, the timing of this will be taken out of your hands by HRT in a matter of weeks/a few months at best anyways. 

[Vidanjali]

4 hours ago, Betty K said:

Hi @Vidanjali, thanks so much for your comment. (And you have an intriguing and exotic name, btw. I have never gotten around to mentioning that before.) 

 

Aw, thanks 😊

[Delcina B]

When I first ventured out as me I was pretty terrified. My second time in public was to a support group meeting, afterwards some of us went to dinner together. It was so reassuring for me having other transgender people around in getting me past the initial fear. 

[Betty K]

5 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

As you have noted, the timing of this will be taken out of your hands by HRT in a matter of weeks/a few months at best anyways. 

 

Thank you for your comment Bri; it was just what I needed, a sobering shot of reality from someone who’s been there before. 

 

I agree I will never pass 100% of the time but, as I’m sure you’ll understand, that’s really not the main problem. The problem is I want to look good, dammit! 

 

I do get your point though: there will always be challenges and I’ll never feel totally ready to be my ideal self 24/7. 

 

I am lucky in that I do feel such pride at being myself, and that I genuinely think my transness is beautiful, not something to be ashamed of. 

[Betty K]

2 hours ago, Delcina B said:

When I first ventured out as me I was pretty terrified.

 

Hi Delcina. Fear is not really an issue for me these days, though there are certain suburbs I would not be keen to go to while presenting feminine, and I’m not as confident walking alone after dark as I once was, etc. I did feel some fear the first time I went out in daylight (New Years Day 2022), but basically I live and enjoy presenting feminine whenever I give myself the chance.

 

I actually think my problem may be I am just SO feminine that I set the bar too high to meet that level of femme every day. I don’t own any girls jeans, for eg, only dresses and skirts. But on the other hand, when I go to work I just wear the same old dreary boys jeans and work shirts I’ve been wearing for years. I’m kind of a walking gender binary. Maybe I need to find a point somewhere in between the binaries where I can be comfortable, at least till I can really go fulltime Uber-femme.

[Betty K]

Typo: that should say “love and enjoy presenting feminine”. 

[Bri2020]

8 hours ago, Betty K said:

 

Hi Delcina. Fear is not really an issue for me these days, though there are certain suburbs I would not be keen to go to while presenting feminine, and I’m not as confident walking alone after dark as I once was, etc. I did feel some fear the first time I went out in daylight (New Years Day 2022), but basically I live and enjoy presenting feminine whenever I give myself the chance.

 

I actually think my problem may be I am just SO feminine that I set the bar too high to meet that level of femme every day. I don’t own any girls jeans, for eg, only dresses and skirts. But on the other hand, when I go to work I just wear the same old dreary boys jeans and work shirts I’ve been wearing for years. I’m kind of a walking gender binary. Maybe I need to find a point somewhere in between the binaries where I can be comfortable, at least till I can really go fulltime Uber-femme.

sounds like you need to go shopping!!!  hit a couple of second hand/thrift shops for some basic jeans, leggings, tops etc etc.

also, of course you won't feel safe walking alone after dark, what woman does?

[Betty K]

1 hour ago, Bri2020 said:

sounds like you need to go shopping!!!  hit a couple of second hand/thrift shops for some basic jeans, leggings, tops etc etc.

 

Ugh no, jeans from thrift shops? I’m six foot two; girls’ jeans that fit me are like hens’ teeth. But I’ll do a department store run aiming for the femme side of gender neutral. That is, if I don’t get distracted by the pretty dresses.

[Bri2020]

10 minutes ago, Betty K said:

 

Ugh no, jeans from thrift shops? I’m six foot two; girls’ jeans that fit me are like hens’ teeth. But I’ll do a department store run aiming for the femme side of gender neutral. That is, if I don’t get distracted by the pretty dresses.

I'm 5'10 with a 32" inseam(81cm). I've found sized 8-10 jeans that were really too long. Some companies make long versions as well. Especial in bell bottom versions if you like that style. You might be surprised. Or cut them off to make calf length summer jeans (capris).  Most jeans I own end up "ankle length and I wear sneakers or ankle boots. there are also pants like this that tend to be very long.

[Jani]

Hello Betty.  If you think your physical appearance will force you to make a choice then I say go full time when you start to really feel uncomfortable.  As to facial hair lots of women have this, particularly as we age. Some shave every few days and others that can afford it go the electrolysis route.  Having hair will not necessarily affect your presentation.  Turn your femininity up!  The first phase of transition is the most difficult. I know you'll do well.  

 

Hugs, 

Jani

[stveee]

I was just shortly reminiscing about early transition and really how uncomfortable it is, the good news being that it  does get better. The biggest thing was once I realized I was a woman, I wanted very much to present as much as I could and of course having hair or shadow or even redness from the hair removal was very dysphoric, and like was said the only advantage at that time was face masks because pandemic and I just went to work and home for the first six months.

I utilized an orange tint concealer under my powder. I also think we can be very self critical where others don't notice a bit, so it was about adjusting my self-perception too. I was just another woman with a hair problem.

Some bad days, I couldn't leave the house and sometimes it seemed really overwhelming because I was still looking at the whole process in one big chunk. 

A year later, laser has taken care of a lot and I am even questioning whether to continue electrolysis on the rest of my face because it's hard to find a good one around that I won't end up with pits in my face anyway. Then, there is the expense factor. 

Bottom line is once you go full time it's like jumping in the pool and you bear through some of the stuff because you the fact is there is no getting the toothpaste back in the tube. My ideas changed about myself and the process, realizing there were certainly going to be some pain and challenges that I would have to take it one day at a time... and I really just told myself, every little step forward, it's not where i want to be, but it's still better than where I was.

You are a beautiful woman, try not to be so hard on yourself!

 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

18 hours ago, Betty K said:

 

Ugh no, jeans from thrift shops? I’m six foot two; girls’ jeans that fit me are like hens’ teeth. But I’ll do a department store run aiming for the femme side of gender neutral. That is, if I don’t get distracted by the pretty dresses.

Do you have sewing skills...or perhaps the desire to learn?

 

My GF figured out years ago that a lot of women's clothing is made with thin, poor materials.  Most of her things are reworked mens clothes.  She takes out all the seams, and makes them fit her curvy figure.  She also adjusts my husband's stuff.  It seems that off-the-shelf clothing is pretty poor quality, at least at the price point we prefer.  At 6'2", you might look into having some stuff made from scratch to fit you.  It can be expensive, but well worth it if clothing is something you enjoy.

 

And me...I just run around in as little fabric as possible.  Saves money 😉  Mostly t-shirts, cotton shorts, or basketball shorts when I'm forced to wear clothes.  Random blankets or a robe in winter.  I'm embarrassingly low maintenance. 

[Betty K]

On 10/21/2022 at 12:49 AM, Bri2020 said:

You might be surprised.

 

I might be, or I might be super frustrated as usual. I find dresses to fit me way easier than pants. But don’t worry, I don’t need to get all my clothes from charity shops. I can splurge on some new stuff sometimes.

[Betty K]

On 10/21/2022 at 1:35 AM, Jani said:

 The first phase of transition is the most difficult. I know you'll do well.

 

Thanks so much Jani, and I’m relieved to hear this is the most difficult phase. I kinda knew it would be, and I’m doing fantastically in some ways. 

[Betty K]

On 10/21/2022 at 2:52 AM, stveee said:

I just went to work and home for the first six months.

 

Hi Stveee, it’s so great to hear your advice, thank you. This is probably my biggest fear atm: that I might recede into my shell and just go to work and struggle through this phase. It would be so sad, because I feel so good! I’d hate to waste that good feeling. I want to go out and share it with friends.

 

As to the orange tint concealer, I’m an old hand at that trick. But the idea of wearing heavy makeup every day is kind of distressing too. I so much want to be able to face the world with no makeup and still feel proudly feminine, but I’m not there yet.

 

I am lucky to have a head start on laser and my current electrolygist is brilliant, fast and accurate and knowledgeable and super empathetic towards trans people. I have booked about 100 hours in advance and am determined to steadily power through till I’m where I want to be. 

 

On 10/21/2022 at 2:52 AM, stveee said:

, it's not where i want to be, but it's still better than where I was.

 

These are just such wise words. I feel the same, every single day. I am soooo relieved to be on this journey even if it is a difficult one. At least I’m on my way.

 

Bless you for your kind words Stveee.

 

x Bette

[Betty K]

15 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Do you have sewing skills...or perhaps the desire to learn?

 

I have to admit that I have little desire in this department. It’s a nice idea but I am always so busy with other creative projects that I find it hard to imagine I’d deceive the time.

[Betty K]

Agh more autocorrect nonsense! That should say “devote the time”.