Hello & need advice

[KnowMe]

Hi to all the lovely people out there. My name is Chris, and I'd like you all to KnowMe, the real me. I'm a 53 year old and very confused. I grew up liking girls and knew enough from words & actions of those around me to keep my mouth shut and try to be more like other girls and just like boys. I didn't then nor now have anyone to talk to about how I feel inside or understand it so how can I expect others to understand me (well, that's the way I have been thinking) . I’ve recently made my escape from family, friends and others who’ve been so toxic to my mental and physical well being thinking somehow my life would be better if the people in my life knew me for the “Real” me and not judge me for being me. But what I feel right now is lost, completely alone and scared to death I will feel this way for the rest of my life. I recently made a move to a new state and larger city and know no one. I don't own a vehicle, am scared to death of public transit (long story ) and really have all things delivered. The only company I keep is with my 3 year old lab mix who keeps me from feeling completely nuts most days. I’ve sought help via therapy many times in my life only to walk away from the session(s) feeling even more worthless, wrong and shameful than when I went in. I have no “Real” friends only those who know me as the man I feel I am via online media (assigned female) so no real connections in a social way. No support from family, they’ve made sure to shame me in so many aspects of my life from the color of my skin, how I look, walk and talk to convincing me that what I feel is wrong and I should feel shame and repent. Yes, religion has played a part especially from my mother. I don’t have support in a community as I’ve never felt like I belonged and until today and here, haven’t even know where to look or how to look. I feel "out-dated" lost, scared and alone and I guess I am just reaching out to talk, to make friends and to somehow discover that I am not truly alone and perhaps some advice on how one goes about finding a community & friends when you don't even know where to begin or how. Thanks for allowing me to share may you all have a truly wonderful day.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon.  When you are here you are not alone.  Many of us have been where you are.  I'm so sorry that you have no support network.  If you are isolated (agoraphobia?) as you indicated, its going to be hard to find assistance.  Many therapists, especially since the epidemic, do teletherapy.  That might help as a starting place.

 

There is no shame in being true to yourself, I assure you.  We've all felt guilt and shame at some point.  With help, you can get past those feelings.  Please feel free to ask any questions or support.  There may even be some folks here from in or around Columbus that have some tips.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jackie C.]

Hey Chris! Lovely to meet you!

 

I'm... about your age, but hey, I went the other way. I completely get it. You absolutely have support here.

 

Hugs!

[Davie]

Welcome @KnowMe You not alone. You not alone here. You've just made 10,000 friends. There's a lot of information in these forums, where you can ask any question you can imagine.

Welcome home,

Davie

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Chris,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

At the time I found these forums, I was in the same boat.  I was lost and confused. I felt totally alone in the world. I reached out here out of desperation. I was welcomed with open arms, and have loved everyone here ever since. They helped me not to be alone. And neither are you alone anymore. So now that you're a part of our community, sit back and join the conversation.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Delcina B]

Welcome Chris! Dogs are so awesome, aren't they! They have this super power allowing them to sense how we feel. Glad you found us! This was the first place I found people who felt like me also. It is a a pretty wonderful place! I hated myself enough for a long time, no one else needed to & thought I would take my dirty little secret to the grave. Becoming willing to accept who I am & explore what I can do about it, no matter what others thought was kind of the only option. Following suggestions here to see a gender therapist & read a book You and Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman Fox, then the therapist suggested going to the local transgender support group when COVID restrictions lowered helped me find who I am, even love myself, guiding me on this amazing journey. Yes, there are family members who have shunned me, some think I have a one-way ticket to hell. That's their junk, not mine. I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[KnowMe]

I want to say thank you to all those who have been so kind and helpful with replies. I can't express with words what it means to me to know that they're are kind, caring people in the world. I know I need to talk to a therapist about how I am feeling & all the confusion I am going through and hopefully after I am able to connect with my new PcP on the 2nd of Nov I'll get a referral to one. It's not easy for me to talk to anyone about anything I'm feeling without breaking down into a horrible panic of a cry even as I write this here I find myself shaking with fear but keep trying I will as I know I must or nothing will ever be better. It's just nice to know that now, I have somewhere to do so so Thank you with all my heart.

[_Kira_]

Hi Chris, 

Nice to meet you!

I have to say that as I was reading your story it stuck me in every way that I could have written the exact same. 

I am on the other side of the tg spectrum but the emotions and narrative are the same. 

I'm afew years older than you are, I sense that you have an inner wisdom that has been born of adversity. 

I takes a certain strength of character to look inward and to be able to put it out for all.

There's good even in the worst of times. 

I can only hope that the fact that there's someone else that can relate to your life experience gives you some solace. 

From my personal experience I've had great results from therapy.

I've had to change to different therapists. It's like life, you need to have a certain, for lack of a better term, chemistry. I have to have a certain comfort level to talk and some therapists work others don't. 

 

I truly appreciate your introduction and wish for you the bright future you deserve. 

I am pleased to meet you Chris!

 

[KnowMe]

7 hours ago, _Kira_ said:

I can only hope that the fact that there's someone else that can relate to your life experience gives you some solace. 

From my personal experience I've had great results from therapy.

I've had to change to different therapists. It's like life, you need to have a certain, for lack of a better term, chemistry. I have to have a certain comfort level to talk and some therapists work others don't. 

 

I truly appreciate your introduction and wish for you the bright future you deserve. 

I am pleased to meet you Chris!

 

Hello Kira,

 

Very nice to meet you as well and nice to know others can relate to what I am going through. I saw my PcP and did indeed get a referral to see a therapist however, the wait (due to my fixed income) will be almost a year. My anxiety shot through the roof but thankfully from sharing here and listening to others I was able to get it back into check and reach out to find other methods of seeking the help I need. I just hope to find something soon. It's a daily struggle but I keep waking with the sun.