Moment Of Clarity?

[Guest Dina Malone]

Hi, basically im 18 years old and i'm considering taking the journey to womenhood. I've always had little dreams since I was young, there would be the machine I could go in and change me into a girl, then How (inspired by the Ja'dore perfume adverts ) I' walk into a pool of gold or water and magically transform and come out as a girl. Oh yeah, and winning the lottery and running away from home to live life as a woman away from my parents (<img class=)" title="(<img class=)" title="()"/>"/> . Recently I had some marajuana (sorry ) and experienced visions. They were magical. I dreamed how there was a goddess who opened up the sky. And she begin to feminize me. She'd reach down and pull my hail, nails and eyelashes, as if to make them grow and become longer and curled. She then began to mould my body into a more feminine figure. She then sent down doves, who gently bit onto my nipples and pulled them upwards towards her to form my breasts.

It was pretty trippy and of course im not going to make such an important decision whilst under the influence of anything. But could anyone interpert these dreams for me? they've been constantly happening since i was 13. I've CD'd a lot but I found I want to be the real thing. Especially when i'm sexually arroused I feel more feminine but when it goes I feel weird and digusted for feeling and thinking about dressing as a woman.

Could anyone give me advice, to see if its definately my body and mind wanting to be female or whatever u feel it is. And if this type of thing happened to you please feel free to share!

[Guest krisspykriss]

Well if you were hallucinating, there was something else in that mary jane (PCP, LSD) so be aware you were smoking more than you bargained for. Trust me, I have smoked every variety of marijuana you could come up with.

OK, I have said my peace about that. Dreams are not the best indicator of gender issues (or anything else).

OK, now that that is out of the way as well, I can tell you I had similar dreams when I was your age (and occasionally still do). I also used to get aroused from dressing femme and wearing makeup when I was your age. I grew out of it being sexually stimulating but was never able to get rid of my desire to be female. Your story probably sounds familiar to others here as well. So I suggest you discuss these feelings with a qualified professional who can help you sort through them.

[Guest Sarinah]

Firstly, welcome to the forum. Feel free to look around there is a wealth of information here.

Second the thing you need to do now is find a counselor near you who has experience dealing with Gender Identity Disorder then set up an initial meeting. The counselor will be able to better help you interpret your feeling and inform you of your options. You will need to be completely honest with the counselor if they are going to help you.

[Guest Soph]

For what its worth, my gender therapist said that it isn't at all uncommon to feel sexual arousal at first.

What krispykriss said is true, the sexual component will eventually go away (be it after a few weeks, months, or years).

Also, Sarinah doesn't lie either. It is essential for a MtF to have a gender therapist, especially at your stage in self-realization.

If your environment doesn't permit you getting a gender therapist without your parents' knowledge, then just tell your parents (assuming they'd be accepting) that you've been having issues with your gender identity. Don't go into great detail yet; try to figure out for sure whats going on.

And figuring that out alone is as scary as it gets.

[Guest AllisonD]

I have to side with Krisspykriss on the MJ and visions thing. We did pot in High School 'cause it was free and easy to get. At the time, it grew everywhere it could find enough water in the Santa Fe area of New Mexico. Never had visions.

On the other hand, when I was very young I think my dreams were quite indicative of the struggles I was facing at the time. I had a number of repetitive themes that reflecting my struggles with my environment, and with myself. Perhaps a therapist can help you pull the threads of meaning you need to understand out of them. Based on what the women have been saying in these forums, I certainly wish there was such a thing in my day. I would have signed up in a heartbeat.

I can also comment on the sexual arousal thing. I started crossdressing years before I had any sexual feelings (we called it dress-up, and I got punished several times for wreaking my mom's heels). She used to give me cast-off stockings 'cause that was 'harmless.' And it kept me out of her good ones. Yeah. She used to give me sampler lipsticks 'cause it kept me from mushing her good ones out of shape. That was harmless too. Yeah.

But even after years of dress-up, when I started getting sexual feelings crossdressing certainly did take on a whole new dimension for me. But (I think unfortunately) it didn't last all that long. The serious business of assembling my look each day in High School chilled the sexual part of it. And it would have been really inconvenient (and likely painful) to be aroused all day. So maybe it wasn't unfortunate to lose that extra dimension so soon. At the same time, the social part took me to a wonderful high pretty much every day - I know I fed off the responses I got. OK, so I was flaming. I liked to show off. It worked for me. I'm pretty sure it still would except that now I am just another woman in the office (or whereever). There's no 'pushing the envelope' value to how I dress anymore. I like how I look and I like my clothes, but I like them because they are tools I use to navigate my environment (especially among the other women). No electricity from clothes. Perhaps that's sad...

Allison