Wha do you do when you feel embarrased by who you are?

[LaurenA]

This afternoon I'm going to a holiday party with my hobby group.  I had introduced myself as Lauren at a previous meeting.  Right know I feel so unsure about dressing as myself for the party.  I think I'm feeling imposter syndrome right now.  Like I'm just acting out a part.  It's like I'm embarrassed to be who I am.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Sometimes I kind of avoid parties because I feel insecure.  Totally a mental thing.  I avoid going outside the house by myself.  I guess I take a lot of cues about who I am from my partners.  I don't really fit the "girl" or "boy" molds in the way that people at a party might expect me to.  I'm just too different. 

 

How close are you to the people at the group?  Can you bring a close friend along?  What is the dress code, if any? 

 

If the party is casual, you can always just wear things that are mostly gender neutral.  My go-to is shorts and a t-shirt, or in cold weather jeans, t-shirt, and a hoodie.  Places that require something more dressy are places I don't need to be.  Folks should count themselves lucky that I bother to wear clothes at all.  🤣

[Marcie Jensen]

The short answer is "it depends." while I've been presenting as female all the time for the past two years there are simply places and activities I avoid. It's just easier. Mostly, I'm comfortable in my own skin and with who I am, so if other people don't like it, well, it's their issue not mine. I refuse to worry about it. Life is far too short.

 

 

[Trans22]

15 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Folks should count themselves lucky that I bother to wear clothes at all.

Lol.  There have been thousands of times, in public locations, were I didn't bother - I really did reject wearing male clothing.  I've even did ~40 nude skydives (out of 912).  Bath time is the only time I'm nude now.

[Trans22]

@LaurenA  I can only respond with reference to my previous existence.  I walked around with my eyes focused on the area immediately in front of my feet.  I positioned myself on the outside of group conversations and rarely said anything. Sadly, this can even be the case in family gatherings too.  I never started a conversation, always waited for someone else to show interest in me.  Most of the time, I felt like an intruder and found a way/excuse to leave early - rarely spent more than 30 minutes in group situations. 

 

[Vidanjali]

4 hours ago, Trans22 said:

I've even did ~40 nude skydives (out of 912).

 

😲 I've never skydived at all. Skydove? I'm not a thrill seeker in that sense. Do you feel that skydiving changed your sense of self? Like broke down any personal barriers? Was the nude experience significantly different than the non-nude? And speaking of which... 

 

20 hours ago, LaurenA said:

This afternoon I'm going to a holiday party with my hobby group.  I had introduced myself as Lauren at a previous meeting.  Right know I feel so unsure about dressing as myself for the party.  I think I'm feeling imposter syndrome right now.  Like I'm just acting out a part.  It's like I'm embarrassed to be who I am.

 

@LaurenA I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. I believe many of us are familiar, myself included, so you're not alone. I've realized that I need to prioritize self-acceptance in my life. That's the key because when you accept yourself, external circumstances like what other people think or say are largely irrelevant. How to achieve this is another matter. It requires constant and disciplined practice. For me, it's not so much mental/verbal, like I'm trying to convince myself of something. It's more of a letting go process. 

 

Lately in meditation, I've been focusing on the simile of being like the sky - here's where we tie in the skydiving. The sky is vast, still, and unaffected by modulations in the weather. Thoughts, emotions, actions, and interactions are like clouds passing by - some are fluffy and white and take on delightfully imaginative shapes, some refract a spectrum of colors, others are dark, electric and violent, and some are lingering grey, saturated and appear to blot out the sky. But, the sky is always there, and the clouds will inevitably pass by once again revealing the sky. I imagine my physical self in the sky. At first, I am falling. There's nothing to grab onto. So, the only way to sustain being in the sky is to surrender. I imagine myself as porous as I breathe the sky in and out, becoming one with it. It soothes my mind, and consequently makes me less self-conscious as I've practiced the experience of being one with something much greater than my body. 

 

I certainly have a long way to go regarding self-acceptance. But I understand it's vital importance. 

[Trans22]

4 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Do you feel that skydiving changed your sense of self? Like broke down any personal barriers? Was the nude experience significantly different than the non-nude?

I found skydivers to be the most accepting and only non-judgemental group of people I have ever had the privilege of spending time with.  My barriers broke down only when I was with them - I suspect the non-judgemental was the reason.  The nude experience was significantly different to the non-nude experience but this wasn't unique to skydiving.
 

[Diana Stone]

On 12/17/2022 at 5:32 PM, LaurenA said:

This afternoon I'm going to a holiday party with my hobby group.  I had introduced myself as Lauren at a previous meeting.  Right know I feel so unsure about dressing as myself for the party.  I think I'm feeling imposter syndrome right now.  Like I'm just acting out a part.  It's like I'm embarrassed to be who I am.

I used to have feelings like that, I dont think its that unusual to be honest. I still get that feeling occasionally once in a blue moon.  Things can occasionally trigger a loss of confidence at times for anyone I imagine.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

11 hours ago, Trans22 said:

Lol.  There have been thousands of times, in public locations, were I didn't bother - I really did reject wearing male clothing.  I've even did ~40 nude skydives (out of 912).  Bath time is the only time I'm nude now.

Hadn't thought about people skydiving nude... That would be interesting.  And 912 skydives is a lot!  

 

I'm mostly a forest creature... I reject female clothing, and most clothing when I can get away with it.  If I have to wear something, it is gender neutral.  Shorts and a t-shirt and grass sandals.  Thankfully, my GF seems to have finally given up trying to put me in feminine underwear.    

 

I think a party is less comfortable for me due to being around others' expectations, regardless of the gender situation.  I don't mind being social, but I'm choosy about what gatherings I will attend.

[Ivy]

On 12/17/2022 at 12:32 PM, LaurenA said:

Right know I feel so unsure about dressing as myself for the party.  I think I'm feeling imposter syndrome right now.  Like I'm just acting out a part.  It's like I'm embarrassed to be who I am

This is a hard thing

In my experience I had to just take a deep breath and go for it realizing I might be making a spectacle of myself.

If you're not welcome as who you are, perhaps you're not really welcome.

We waste too many years trying to live up to other's expectations of our conformity.

[Trans22]

18 minutes ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

I'm mostly a forest creature...

Living somewhere where I didn't have to interact with anyone was a dream of mine in my past life.  It all came back to my complex trauma - thousands of people judging me, turning my life into an existence that I never had the courage to end (thankfully, now).

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

I'm mostly a forest creature..

I feel like this…  But here I am trying to live in this crazy world.  I'd rather watch, peeking out from beneath a fern.

 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

2 hours ago, Trans22 said:

Living somewhere where I didn't have to interact with anyone was a dream of mine in my past life.  It all came back to my complex trauma - thousands of people judging me, turning my life into an existence that I never had the courage to end (thankfully, now).

Not interacting with anyone isn't always healthy.  What we really need is the ability to select who we interact with, and avoid people who are not beneficial to our well-being.  That selectivity is so hard to achieve.

 

Staying sane in the average workplace seems rather difficult. People bring so much drama.   I work from home doing art and graphics, so at least I don't have to deal with coworkers.  If my partners want to bicker or I just need space, I scamper out the door and nobody can stop me.