"Proving" I'm a guy (transmasc presentation issues)

[Fox]

I live in a house where I feel like I need to "prove" I'm a guy.

I do identify as a trans male, and I feel like I do follow the stereotypes of a boy. Well, I don't dress masculine a lot, but I do feel like I "act" like a boy like my parent says I have to.

My parent thinks I'm a girl because I dress feminine, but I know I'm a boy.

I want to start hormone therapy, but my parent thinks I'll change my mind later on.

I feel upset and depressed sometimes that I can't have a deep voice or facial hair and that I look like a cis girl.

It's the worst feeling when you know you're a certain gender and then someone invalidates you and calls you by the wrong pronouns every day just because you don't follow the stereotypes of the gender you know you are. And calls you by your dead name.

Some people do follow the "guy stereotypes" and still are misgendered.

Anyways.. does anyone have advice to explain to my parent for more understanding? Or is there anyone who's going through similar stuff?

[Carolyn Marie]

Fox, it's been my experience moderating these forums that very often, even if a trans person looks, acts and dresses as their desired gender, parents will be reluctant to acknowledge it or, as my age-mates might say, "get with the program."  They often look for reasons to conclude that the change isn't real, that you're not serious, you'll change your mind, etc.

 

It's especially problematic for you, since you're choosing to dress in a non-conforming way (i.e. feminine) and there are no physical changes to clue them in.  If you haven't already done so, I'd suggest sitting down with your parent and really explain to them how it makes you feel when they misgender you.  Being open and honest and willing to answer questions is the best way to approach a parent.  You can also give them some of the great printed material put out by organizations such as PFLAG, HRC and others.

 

I hope that works for you.  Good luck!

 

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

In addition to what @Carolyn Mariehas recommended for you, check with a local LGBTQ Community Center to see if they have a parent and child program where your parent can speak to other parents and share what is happening with your parent from your parent's view point.  I was the moderator of such a group before the Pandemic hit us and would love to do that job again if the group restarts at my Center.

 

There are many good books for parents out there, and there are even workbooks with suggestions on activities you can do with your parent.  I have a Trans grandchild going the other direction from you, but her parents had me as a parent  in their life, and I had dumped a ton of reading matter on them.  Your parent had a dream about you and birth, and those dreams are so very very hard to give up, which is what your parent needs to be able to do.

[Fox]

Thank you for the suggestions.

I've talked to my mom before, and I'm going to look into the books to see if she'll understand.

I've always wanted to start physical changes, or as she calls 'permanent' changes, and maybe if I continue to be consistant and remind her my pronouns and preferred name that'll help.

I'm also going to try to self-advocate with my teachers and see if they'll help.

Again, thank you for your suggestions. I'm glad there's so much support here.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Fox  I was going to respond to this earlier, but somehow it got lost in the shuffle.

 

Anyways, from one fox to another... I'd say that you have nothing to "prove."  Masculinity and femininity are relative, and mostly based in culture.  From what I've seen, the biggest things that make men and women are their functions.  At the most basic level, women bear children and men provide the genetic information.  Being trans (or intersex in my case) throws the reproductive definition completely out the window.  

 

On one hand, lacking the ability to be defined by reproduction is a loss.  At least it has been for me.  You lose the "safe zone" of an easy role to fill, an easy life path done by generation before you.  On the other hand, it is very freeing.  You get to make your own definition, and you don't have to live by what being "man" or "woman" means to anybody else. 

 

I feel like I should have a male body.  My intersex body never got feminine defining features, so being a "real" woman was never an option to be.  But facial hair, square shoulders, and deep voice aren't going to be me either.  Since I look young, I've gone with the Androgynous Teenager appearance.  Which may be silly since I'm in my 30's, but it has worked so far.  That's been my way of handling the issue, but it need not be yours.  Explore styles and fashions, and just see what fits and begins to feel comfortable. 

 

I can't give you a ton of advice about parents.  My parents rejected me for having a girlfriend (when I was female), and I never got the experience of dealing with parents while intersex/trans.  That discovery has been more recent.  I'd just be honest with them, tell thing in your own words what's going through your head.  Then let the chips fall where they may.  You might help them understand, or they might go crazy.  Either way, making an attempt at expressing the truth will lift the burden from your shoulders and you'll know where you stand. 

[Fox]

@awkward-yet-sweet

That was said really well. 

 

I guess I don't have to prove it, it just seems that way sometimes.

 

I'm sorry about your parents. I guess I don't have it really bad. My mom is trying to look out for me, and she doesn't want me to make a decision that I'll regret.

It sucks that people go by stereotypes. Our world has changed so much then, like we used to not have technology and now we do. If we can change that much, then why don't we get rid of the past stereotypes?

But our world is getting better. I hope it has for you.

 

I'm seeing a gender doctor, and they've helped a lot. They are trying to talk to my mom about gender and explaining little-by-little that it's not a 'phase'.

 

Thank you for talking and sharing that. Your words helped a lot