Sort of an introduction (?) - I really wanted to share

[Josnn]

Hi! This is kind of the first time for me kind of opening up somewhere public, and I am even shaking while typing this out, but I feel I need to share. Maybe others here in particular will understand, or have some words of wisdom. This might be a long post, I will only know after having typed everything down, and I was eagerly awaiting approval for the site, so please bear with me!

 

How should I start? (is this even the right forum?) How should I even put this? So I have kind of always known, as far back as I can remember that I was a girl (I apologize if I have identified myself wrongly, sharing and sort of coming out is super new to me), or rather a girl trapped in the wrong body. Almost every single night, and this has continued to this day, I hope, or pray, or wish that when I wake up I will be in the right body. Heck, when I was about five years old, I can still remember playing dress up with whatever I could find to try to appear as one, and I have always preferred what people call "girly" or feminine things. When I was older, I had started stashing away women's clothing (dresses, sandals, heels, etc.), makeup, nail polish.. Actually maybe I should give some background first. My mother had me as a teenager (also later became a drug addict), so I was raised by my grandmother, who eventually moved back in with my grandfather (a lot of trauma here, might share later on). My grandmother... well let's just say she did and does NOT approve of trans or gay people; she was, and is, generally VERY phobic. Let's say we were watching something on tv, and a transwoman appeared she would routinely put them down in front of me, over and over and over and over.. (I always thought they were great people, and true to themselves; I wish I could be so brave) Not only that, she is deeply religious (Catholic), so she would drag me to church, and definitely tried to drill into my head, that people like that were going to go to Hell, or (sorry, shaking while typing this) she would refer to it as "nasty" - if only she knew. 

 

Now, with.. that.. out of the way, I should pick back up where I left off, so I would stash women's clothing, makeup, footwear, nail polish. I would specifically paint my toenails, because I could hide it under socks, and I would go to school like that. That was until one day, everything I had hid away disappeared, and I mean EVERYTHING. I could never find any of what I hid, and believe me - I looked. This was probably one of the first big blows to me that might have thrown me into the depression that I will touch on later. I can only assume it was my grandmother, I don't know who else would take and pretty much eliminate my access to anything of the sort. Maybe she always knew? If she did, she never brought it up to me, and I never brought it up to her - I was too scared (still am). Throughout my childhood I also had to deal with my verbally abusive grandfather, who would put BOTH me and my grandmother down, to the point I had (have) zero self esteem, and I think I developed a form of agoraphobia that still lasts to this day; I never wanted to leave my room as a child/teen, and I similarly dread leaving the house as an adult. I was also also called the usual slurs by the other kids while going to school, so there was no escape. I am not even sure how the kids could have known, since I was deeply closeted, and thought I hid it well. Oh, by the way, if that wasn't enough, they were also racist (I am part Spanish). I'm sorry for dumping so much. 

 

Long story short, I did not finish school (of course not, it was a living hell), and I locked myself away, for the past 10 years. I have never seen a doctor about any of this, mind you, so this is all kind of self diagnosis. I believe I developed crippling depression, except I have never once been suicidal. Dying scares me actually. I do want to live, but I'd like to live how I want to live. The depression just kind of destroyed my future, and my young adult life in general. I am 27 now. I still live with my grandmother, I still haven't opened up to her about anything, and frankly, if I did it might actually kill her. She is very sick. I do also place a big blame on my grandmother; maybe I resent her a bit. I do believe that if I had an accepting parental figure, perhaps if I was able to open up about my true self, I could have been put on HRT, and gone through everything I needed to when I was young. Now I believe I am too old, I don't think I would ever pass. I don't have a deep voice, maybe with training I could work on that (?), but it would never fix the bone structure I developed. I do have all my hair though, never went bald, and I currently wear it long - she hates it! 

 

Why am I sharing now? Well, I have come to find that being able to open up to people, just generally being open about myself, has really lessened the effect my depression has had on me. This all started around the beginning of 2022. Okay I should preface this, Being on the internet, and generally online has been my only form of escape. I can almost do whatever I want online, whether it's games, chatting or whatever else. The internet is one of the only things that has kept me sane over the past 10 years, and maybe that would sound pathetic to the regular person, but I don't care! I am here to open up and be honest. Anyway, so starting last year, 2022, I met this guy. He didn't care whether I was biologically a guy or a girl, and we kind of hit it off. He treated me like a woman, and it was one of the greatest experiences I had, even if it was short-lived. It was amazing! I've never had someone treat me like that! We didn't really date, although we kind of did, it just wasn't official, and we started RPing (I will leave the details out). I guess I was a bit too much for him, with all my feelings being let loose, I don't blame him. This did kind of set me back for a few months, but this chance meeting I kind of attribute to opening my eyes in a way. I should add my sexuality, I believe that I am pan, if that is a necessary detail. Anyway, later on in 2022, I met this transwoman, now this was just a friendship. After being so open to the guy before, I decided I would be open to this woman as well, and she.. UNDERSTOOD. Which I had also previously never experienced. Just true understanding! She also experienced similar things in her childhood, and I found her so brave; like I wish I could get the courage to live how I want regardless of the approval of others. Her family didn't approve either, but she started living her own life anyway! Along with that she shared with me things that have really helped me feel more happy, some I can't share, but it has allowed me to experience a form of, and I hope I am getting this right, gender euphoria(?). I have always felt closer to transwomen than anyone else, and any that I have befriended in the past have always been better friends, I just never truly opened up to any of them before. 

 

I just wanted to get a lot of this off my chest. This is probably a HUGE post, but this is still leaving out a lot of details. I hope by posting here, I can read feedback, or just generally share, and maybe feel a bit happier. Should this be in introductions? 

 

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, @Josnn, and yes, this forum is the best place for your introduction.  I appreciate the courage it took to post this, and the effort to include so much info, especially in that a lot of it was obviously painful.

 

Many of us have been where you are now, and do understand.  The road from one gender to another is rarely smooth and effortless. But it is easier in many ways for younger folks than it was for those of my generation.  At least you have access to critical information and online resources.

 

You have many questions, I know, and luckily, we have a lot of answers, and more importantly, a lot of experience.  Ask away, and we'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Josnn]

4 minutes ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Welcome to Trans Pulse, @Josnn, and yes, this forum is the best place for your introduction.  I appreciate the courage it took to post this, and the effort to include so much info, especially in that a lot of it was obviously painful.

 

Many of us have been where you are now, and do understand.  The road from one gender to another is rarely smooth and effortless. But it is easier in many ways for younger folks than it was for those of my generation.  At least you have access to critical information and online resources.

 

You have many questions, I know, and luckily, we have a lot of answers, and more importantly, a lot of experience.  Ask away, and we'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Thank you! This is a HUGE step for me, as I have only truly opened up to a couple people privately. I had just woken up yesterday morning, and felt this sort of urge, I don't know how to describe it. It was really like I needed to. I haev just been so perpetually.. sad for so long. 

 

I'm just afraid that I am still too old, although this discussion might be better in other topics? I feel like I missed my chance, and unless I can somehow build up the courage and come out to my grandmother, I will be stuck living a lie until she, and it sounds terrible to say this, passes away.. It's like I am living a lie, my entire male perrsona is fake. If I go out, it feels like I am wearing a mask. My trans friend educated me quite a bit, at least with what she has been going through. She eventually wants to get the surgery. Should I admit, I... also would like to live life as a full woman? It's just sad, that my body has never felt 'right' to me. 

[Carolyn Marie]

Too old, @Josnn?  LOL!  I started transitioning at the age of 55.  There is plenty of time for you to have a happy life as a woman, if that is what you desire.  Your first step is perhaps to seek out a gender therapist, who can guide you, confirm and validate your feelings, and help you through your fears and anxieties.  That's my strong recommendation.  I wish you luck.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Josnn]

7 minutes ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Too old, @Josnn?  LOL!  I started transitioning at the age of 55.  There is plenty of time for you to have a happy life as a woman, if that is what you desire.  Your first step is perhaps to seek out a gender therapist, who can guide you, confirm and validate your feelings, and help you through your fears and anxieties.  That's my strong recommendation.  I wish you luck.

 

Carolyn Marie

Maybe I just have too many fears. My friend also said I wasn't too old. I don't know why I feel so much anxiety on the issue, it feels irrational. Like, if I was found out. I don't know why I care about maintaining this facade. I do believe I should probably see someone, but I don't know how to go about all of that, and heck, I was going to even ask, if there are ways to do this sort of thing covertly! How many years could I get away with it, things like that. 

[Astrid]

Welcome, @Josnn!  Glad to hear that you have a transwoman friend with whom you can confide and learn from -- that's a valuable resource.

 

An important step forward to consider is to find an experienced gender therapist -- someone who has worked with those with people like you or me.  If you read through some of Therapy & Therapist forum threads, you can get a sense of how it can be and has been helpful.

 

There are lots on online and written resources, as well.  If you'd like recommendations, just ask away.  We are all about helping each other here.

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

 

 

[KathyLauren]

15 hours ago, Josnn said:

I'm just afraid that I am still too old

 

😊 No, you are not too old!  I was 62 when I started this journey.  We figure it out when we figure it out, whenever that is.  I envy you young people who figure it out early.

 

If you choose to transition, you will have plenty of time to do it and live a good life as your true self.

[Ivy]

Welcome Josnn.

Nope, you are certainly not too old.  I was also in my 60's when I quit fighting who I was.

You will find people of every age here -- welcome.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Josnn I don't think you're "too late" to find the real you or act on what you want.  I was 26 before I managed to have any kind of intimate relationship...and that only happened because my GF cornered me and wouldn't let me scamper away.  If she hadn't been insistent, I might still be single and lonely and hiding from the world. 

 

At least you have a good friend, and that is going to help break you out of your shell a bit.  The best part of life is ahead yet.

[Colleen Henderson]

Hi, Josnn, and welcome!

 

At nearly age 82, I'm pretty sure I have SOCKS older than you are.

 

Setting aside the gender issue for a moment, you should rest assured that you've only begun to evolve as a person. Just the passage of time, the decisions you face and how you handle them, and the vagarities of life itself will mold you in ways you can't even imagine. Very little of what you see or perceive now is etched in stone. At various points in the next few decades, you'll look back and realize that once again you've changed in many ways - all of them good.

 

Don't let the stress of the moment define you. It's a major issue, to be sure, and there may be missteps along the way as you get things resolved. But you'll come out on the other side of this gender identity battle much stronger and more self-assured for having fought it. Then, decide what you want and go for it. People may try to stand between you and that goal, but they'll be powerless to stop you.

[KayC]

Nice to meet you, and Welcome @Josnn!

If you haven't already figured it out, you have touched down in one the most supportive and affirming forums.  Just as I connect with my aspects of your stories and emotions, you will quickly find that MANY other of the Members here share similar experiences.

I encourage to stay with us.  I found Gender Therapy was also a wonderfully helpful step in my self-affirmation. 

 

Wishing you all the best in your journey❣️  Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Mmindy]

Good morning and welcome @Josnn

 

You're among like people here on TransPulseForums, and as you read, age is not a factor. Like many of the others, I'm late in life transitioning as well. I hope you find this site and forums to be as helpful as I have. Everyone of us, if it were possible, would tell our younger selves this: "It's going to be okay, transition, you be you".

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Jackie C.]

You're FINE @Josnn. I started transitioning at 48 and I have plenty of trans friends who started where you are or older. I hope you find the same happieness and comfort that I did when I figured out what I needed to do to feel comfortable in my own skin.

 

Hugs!

[Josnn]

Once again, thank you are all the feedback and support everyone! I can say it really has opened my eyes here recently, and in the past year, how many people have shared such a similar experience to me, in regards to this. For so long I kind of felt alone; I don't really know how to describe it. When opening up, or listening/reading others experiences it has really surprised me. I previously just kept all my feelings bottled up and locked away, and it really has/had been eating at me. Some nights (probably more than I can count) I would just lay in bed and cry or be mad at God or whomever else for putting me in the wrong body. It was.. in a strange way it was comforting (?), when I first met others who could relate, and I can't believe it took me so long to do so. 

 

I do feel like transition is the only way to help, but some days I just have a lot of self doubt.. I guess I wake up defeated? It's like my emotions spiral every other day. One day I will be happy, and the next I will be sad and think everything is hopeless. It's hard to describe. 

[Jackie C.]

28 minutes ago, Josnn said:

I do feel like transition is the only way to help, but some days I just have a lot of self doubt.. I guess I wake up defeated? It's like my emotions spiral every other day. One day I will be happy, and the next I will be sad and think everything is hopeless. It's hard to describe. 

 

Yay! Depression!

 

You sound JUST like a friend of mine. Fae have similar doubts and mood swings.

 

There's a lot of internalized transphobia a lot of us have to deal with and the whole process isn't easy. I held off long enough that I had an exit plan before I woke up and said, "You know, you could at least TRY transitioning before you check out."

 

I strongly suggest finding a therapist that can help you. Don't be afraid to fire them if they're not a fit. The right therapist can be a life-saver. The wrong one? A disaster.

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

28 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

There's a lot of internalized transphobia a lot of us have to deal with and the whole process isn't easy.

That's the truth.  All my life I was curious but didn't dare take a look.  I used all the excuses, the XX XY stuff - mental illness etc.  Turned out that I was at least right about not taking a look.  Once I did, it was game over.

It was only a few weeks from "Well… I guess I am a crossdresser" to calling Planed Parenthood for an appointment to start HRT..  I was very scared, but also very happy.

[Josnn]

21 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Yay! Depression!

 

You sound JUST like a friend of mine. Fae have similar doubts and mood swings.

 

There's a lot of internalized transphobia a lot of us have to deal with and the whole process isn't easy. I held off long enough that I had an exit plan before I woke up and said, "You know, you could at least TRY transitioning before you check out."

 

I strongly suggest finding a therapist that can help you. Don't be afraid to fire them if they're not a fit. The right therapist can be a life-saver. The wrong one? A disaster.

 

Hugs!

I'll definitely do some research. No matter what, professional help would be a necessity! 

[Susan R]

Hello @Josnn! Welcome to our community. It’s a pleasure to meet you and to read your story tonight. You included a lot of great detail in your intro and from what I’ve read, our stories parallel in many ways. Of course, the details vary a bit but the feelings and experiences you shared remind me so much of my childhood.

 

On 1/13/2023 at 9:19 PM, Josnn said:

My grandmother... well let's just say she did and does NOT approve of trans or gay people; she was, and is, generally VERY phobic.

This is a common experience with transgender individuals especially at my late age. I also grew up with the same anti-LGBTQ parenting which caused me to closet myself as best I could. Like your grandmother, my mother let her beliefs be known. My father was worse and would often use the word “queer” in a derogatory way to mock anything or anyone who looked remotely LGBTQ. It’s not a heathy atmosphere for any trans person and I can understand the need to keep that part of your life hidden. Like you,  I tried my best to do just that.

 

On 1/13/2023 at 9:19 PM, Josnn said:

That was until one day, everything I had hid away disappeared, and I mean EVERYTHING. I could never find any of what I hid, and believe me - I looked. This was probably one of the first big blows to me that might have thrown me into the depression

I had a similar experience with my mother who had always known about my proclivities toward wanting to being a girl. My mother and I never discussed THE incident after she found my ‘private stash’ and tried to expose me to the rest of the family by leaving everything out in plain view. The next day…nothing was said. Her motto…If the problem isn’t discussed, it doesn’t exist!” It sounds like your family (or whoever found your “stash”) did a similar thing in regards to dealing with your identity after finding out about it. I know at the time (1978), I was glad my mother suppressed it but in hindsight I often ask if I would’ve been better off dealing with the issue head on.

 

On 1/13/2023 at 9:19 PM, Josnn said:

I could have been put on HRT, and gone through everything I needed to when I was young. Now I believe I am too old

No, you’re certainly never too old to live authentically. But if you wait until you’re my age (60), you may regret not living as yourself if you had the chance do start your journey earlier in your life. At only 27 years old, you have so much life ahead of you. Don’t let grandma hold you back or keep you from enjoying the freedom in life that you deserve. You know who you are and you deserve to be that person regardless of what anyone else thinks. It’s not easy and it does require a lot of help and support in the way of quality friends, allie’s, and IMHO, some good mental health counsel. The first two (friends & allie’s) can be found right here on this forum given enough time and a little effort.

 

Thank you for sharing a part of yourself and your journey with your introduction. I enjoyed reading it very much!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

 

[Delcina B]

Welcome Josnn! Glad you're here! This is a wonderful place. Here I found others who were like me, it was huge! I don't think there is an age too old to transition. I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[EllisOS]

On 1/17/2023 at 11:45 AM, Delcina B said:I don't think there is an age too old to transition. I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

I have just begun a baby step towards transition - and I am 70.  Thank you for the reassurance 🙏

 

[Delcina B]

Welcome @laurence! You are so welcome! My journey has been one of steps. Just finding the willingness to explore & accept myself was a big one, it took over 45 years to be able to take it. Since then, I take a step see how it feels, see if it lessens my dysphoria? The dysphoria hasn't disappeared, but it's so much better than a few years ago. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Josnn]

19 hours ago, Delcina B said:

Welcome @laurence! You are so welcome! My journey has been one of steps. Just finding the willingness to explore & accept myself was a big one, it took over 45 years to be able to take it. Since then, I take a step see how it feels, see if it lessens my dysphoria? The dysphoria hasn't disappeared, but it's so much better than a few years ago. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

I'm happy to read things are going better for you, it does help me a lot seeing things like this.  

 

You all are great!