Do you ever catch yourself thinking you're your AFAB?

[Locryn]

So I live my life as a man (ftm), I've socially transitioned and experience dysphoria. I came out in July last year. I want the people around me to view and refer to me as a man. I'm pretty sure I'm on the male end of non-binary, but I'm still questioning my identity label specifically and how I feel. 

But every now and then I'll catch myself assuming I'm female. Like I was scrolling through a dating app and saw a gay man pop up, and thought "Oh, I can't date him", even though I'm a queer man. Then I caught myself a second later and thought "hang on, I'm a guy though". Or when I daydream, sometimes I'll find myself imagining I'm a girl, almost out of habit. Sometimes women will talk to me about men and how hard it is to be a woman, and I'll be like, "you and me both sister, we have it so hard", because I'm so used to seeing myself as female in those social dynamics I guess.

These things do freak me out and make me feel a pang in my chest. I'm just scared I might secretly be gender fluid, because I really feel like manhood is right for me and don't want to lose that identity. I sometimes describe it to myself as wanting to be a man, even though that's technically not the correct phrasing. And I feel like my body is the problem. I don't see my body as male, or my appearance or face or voice, and it spins me out. The times it's not so bad is when I'm wearing a binder and dressed masc.

I don't know if I've just reverse engineered dysphoria or if I'm just in denial.

[Sally Stone]

Locryn,

 

I don't think being gender fluid is a bad thing.  In fact, if you think about it, being gender fluid means you don't subscribe to the always influential concept of a gender binary.  We, all of us humans, are extremely complex, so I think the concept of a gender binary world boxes us in.  Somedays, I feel really female, but others, I'm glad I'm male.  Who says I have to choose one over the other?

[Locryn]

It's not so much that I think gender fluid is a bad thing. I identified as gender fluid as a teenager, but it wasn't quite right for me. Now I've found my own brand of masculinity and manhood and I'm thriving, I'm just terrified I've got this wrong.

[Ivy]

Welcome Locryn.

As Sally said, there's nothing wrong with being gender fluid.  Sometimes I think we all are to an extent.   And our past life never really goes away, even when we move on in a different direction. When we start a new chapter, the first one is still there.  But we chose to live in the now.

[Mmindy]

Welcome to TransPulseForums Locryn,

 

This a great question, and I hope more people chime in. While I’m transitioning to female at such a late age, I don’t think I would ever be able to think of or consider myself close to cis. The folks I would like to hear from are the people who were able to transition relatively young 18 to 30 years of age. People who completely pass without fear of being clocked, or getting the side eye as they go through daily life. 
 

I don’t mind being in the bi-gender, two spirit, gender fluid spectrum right now. 

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🐛🦋🏳️‍⚧️

[Sally Stone]

16 hours ago, Locryn said:

Now I've found my own brand of masculinity and manhood and I'm thriving, I'm just terrified I've got this wrong.

If it feels right for you Locryn, I'd have to say, you haven't gotten it wrong.  I think that too often we second guess ourselves when we find we are feeling a little different from the crowd, but we should be true to ourselves instead of what the crowd thinks.  When it comes to gender, it's all about what makes us happy and content.  Be true to your heart!

[Paul Palmer]

On 2/4/2023 at 10:02 AM, Locryn said:

I'm just terrified I've got this wrong.

Correct me if I am not getting you right, but I think I can feel what you're talking about.

It's the 'am I cis?' doubt popping up every time you do something that involves your gender role, that draws you from your inner perception of yourself to body-based perception. This thing may make you feel like you're gender-fluid, but it just doesn't feel right, because you wouldn't want to be a genderfluid if your body would let you feel masculine all the time. It may also happen because you've got used to misgender yourself every time people do it, because it's hard to prove yourself in front of everyone who doesn't see enough masculinity in you or do not respect your identity. 

From my perspective, gender-fluid is a concept where you switch gender roles WILLINGLY, not because something (or somebody) kicks you off the right mood and you automatically choose to be fem instead of being an imposter.

I discovered my true identity last summer as well and still in the process of wrapping my head around it. My coping strategy at the moment is to focus on my behaviour rather than on my appearance. My masc side in behavior is the brightest when I am with my cis man best friend, and I know that I speak in a little bit funky way in front of him. He's my safe space: I do not feel romantic interest (so no embarassment), but I do feel his support and let myself... just be myself. And I carefully track my own speech, my gestures, anything that feels natural to me but is different to what cis women usually do, and try to remember and repeat those patterns in another situation, even if I feel the urge to mimic feminine behaviour. It is not nesessarily 'masculine' things, sometimes I feel like I behave like a feminine gay man would do, but it perfectly fits my character and the way I want to express it, so I let myself free in acting the way I want. So when I don't feel confident enough to be a man, I am staying a freak, which comes from my gender identity, so it's easier to stay aside of cis women.

I am still working on my physical appearance so I don't feel 'right' until i got my skinny androgynous look lack, and I know that many people won't see me now as a 'quality' tomboy, so many of them won't see no difference and won't notice when I am a confident trans man and when I am playing freak. That is sad thind to realize, but it also gives me more freedom to avoid doubts: sometimes I don't feel completely masculine, and lean more towards bi-gender, and that's ok. I don't have to stay that strong all the time.

Hope it helps.