Feeling guilty about thinking I’m transgender.

[Stephanie Possibly]

I want to start off by saying that I wanted to be a woman for as long as I remember.  I started wearing my friends underwear and clothes at around 5 or 6.  I started dressing in my mothers clothes around 14 or so.  I have never told anyone. I am in my 40s now, and it never went away.  I would dream of becoming a woman, or having surgery, or even if finding out I was born with both parts and my parents chose boy.  I have managed to push it down deep and not Think long on it for a few months, then I spend a week dreaming of being a woman and wearing womens clothes and looking up am I trans sites.  Eventually, I feel guilty, and try to stop for a while, but I can’t stop the thoughts.  I see an attractive woman and think, I wish I was her, and it is killing me.  I wish I could get rid of the guilt, but I know coming out would ruin my family and life here.  I am currently sitting in my office at work, wearing a bra, panties, and leggings under my clothes.  I have been wearing womenswear deodorant every day as well.  It does feel good to get this off my chest.  I know that in a week, I will feel bad about it again and try to stop.  I wish I was born a woman cause it would be so much easier.  I even sometimes wish I could just not want to be a woman, but that’s not really possible.  I could never be happy with being a man.  I have been spending hours online shopping for clothes and stuff in case I wanted to take a trip and be a woman on the trip, but it wouldn’t be enough, I want to live my whole life as a woman, but I don’t see how it’s possible.  I’m even dreading that come warm weather, I won’t be able to wear a bra anymore during the day.  A few years ago, I bought a wig and other stuff, but felt bad and trashed them after a week.  Every time that I have ever been multiple days alone in my house, I live as a woman by myself most of the time, it is great, but I wish I could get over the guilt.  I keep thinking that maybe I’m not trans, but if this is a phase, it has lasted for as long as I remember, I prolly just need to accept it, but I don’t know how.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums.  I would say it is time for you to find a Therapist that deals with Gender Identity issues.  Your state has quite a few.  Along with the Therapist would be to find the nearest LGBTQ Center to you and join their Trans support groups, or maybe also some of the online groups that took off during the Covid lock-downs.  We are here, and it sounds like you fit in with the mob very well.  Your story is familiar to us and we do speak Trans here.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Stephanie.  Welcome!

 

I think most of us can relate.  It is indeed a phase that most trans folks go through, and yes, it can be a very long phase.  For me, it lasted decades.

 

How to make a transition work with your family is something that you will need to explore.  The details will be different for every individual.  I second Vicky's recommendation to talk to a gender therapist.  That is what they do: help people to decide what their goals are and how to go about achieving them.

[Stephanie Possibly]

After reading what I posted, I feel so relieved.  I see now that I don’t think that a cisgendered man would write, much less feel, all the things I posted. I think this made me realize what I have to do now. I am going to talk to a gender therapist.  I can’t put this off anymore.  I will never be content until I at least explore hrt and my options.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off me.  For the first time, I feel like my true self, Stephanie, might actually be able to come into the light.  Thank u all for ur kind words, I go to bed tonight feeling really good about myself.  That post was the first time I ever told anyone about these feelings, it feels good, no matter what my path forward, to say that I am Stephanie, and I use she / her pronouns.  I hope I can tell that to someone in person soon, while I am presenting as a woman.

[Jackie C.]

On 2/4/2023 at 3:14 AM, Stephanie Possibly said:

I see now that I don’t think that a cisgendered man would write, much less feel, all the things I posted.

 

Yeah, that was mind blowing for me too. I mean, why WOULDN'T all men want to be women? Have you SEEN women? That was kind of a big revelation for me.

 

Hugs!

[Delcina B]

Welcome Stephanie! Glad you're here! Finding Trans Pulse was this amazing turning point for me. Here I found people just like me, who felt how I felt. I didn't understand what being transgender was. For years I hid how I felt & hated myself for even thinking of being a girl, then woman. The same suggestion was given to me, along with a few books & to explore me. I can happily say, as you did, the weight was lifted. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[Sally Stone]

11 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I mean, why WOULDN'T all men want to be women? Have you SEEN women?

Jackie, I think about this all the time.  What's wrong with men?  

 

Stephanie,  I know it's a lot easier said than done, but try not to feel guilty.  It's society talking...don't listen.  Being trans is a gift, at least that's the way I see it.  Yeah, it can be problematic in our "binary" world, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and no matter how you try to ignore it, in the end, you won't be able to. 

 

I agree with Vicky that it's probably time for you to reach out to a gender therapist who can help you sort out your feelings.  Of course, in the meantime, you've got all of us to lean on.

 

 

[April Marie]

As someone who is about 2 months into counseling and growing in my acceptance of who I truly am...and happy to embrace it...I can tell you that I still have guilt. Tonight was one of those times that it came pouring out. A therapist will help you understand and deal with it. I am so very thankful that I began counseling and, despite the times when the guilt creeps back in, I am so very happy to be embracing my true self. Reach out to a therapist you trust. It made a world of difference for me.