Being a femme-presenting non-binary person..

[PlutoTheOpposum]

Ee, hi. I just thought I'd share my experience of being a very feminine non-binary person.

To be completely honest, it's really hard for me. I am constantly misgendered, (I use they/them) and even when I correct people they don't respect my pronouns. I feel like I'm being annoying at this point.

I'd say my inner perception is definitely masculine. But at the same time, I'm not all the way on that part of the spectrum. I don't think I'm a trans male, and I'm not the biggest fan of he/him pronouns for myself. I still want to look masculine, though. I want a small chest and thighs, and I want short hair, but I also want to keep some of my feminine qualities. 

Here's a visual:

 

<----------l------------------->

Boy             me                            Girl

 

So yes, I still love some feminine qualities. I like my high voice, and I like skirts/makeup and stuff. But like, I also want masculine properties. But people only see my feminine qualities, and just see me as a girl. 

It doesn't feel right.

And I can't do anything about it because I'm not allowed to cut my hair as short as I want it. Nor am I able to get top surgery.

I just don't fit the standard of a non-binary person. It's just so annoying, and it's really discouraging.

 

Does anybody else feel this way? Maybe another femme or butch-presenting enby fellow? I really need some advice.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, PlutoTheOpposum said:

I just don't fit the standard of a non-binary person. It's just so annoying, and it's really discouraging.

 

What's the standard for a non-binary person? The one and only one cue I see that tells me, "OK, they're NB" is electric blue hair. Hasn't failed me yet. Not every NB wears their hair like that, but so far every person I've met who does is NB. Which is cool, because NBs always register as friend-shaped to me. It's nice to know who I can gravitate to in a group and have a good time.

 

Other than that, I have NB friends who look kinda femme. Some who look kinda masc. Some who look really androgenous. One who looks like ... can't descrie them really without using words the filter is going to catch, but yeah. NBs are all different, just like the rest of us. Present how you like and identify with whatever feels right. Everything else isn't your problem.

 

Hugs!

[PlutoTheOpposum]

On 2/10/2023 at 10:09 AM, Jackie C. said:

 

What's the standard for a non-binary person? The one and only one cue I see that tells me, "OK, they're NB" is electric blue hair.

Well, most people think that nonbinary people have to have short hair, flat chests, and skinny bodies. I'll admit that even I try to fit that stereotype. But I guess what I mean by the "standard" is that people won't respect my pronouns unless I am fully androgynous-looking, as a lot of NBs are. It is a little encouraging to see that femme and masc-presenting NB peeps are still valid.

(also, on a sidenote, YES. Almost every NB person has blue/green in their hair, even me xD it just seems like a common theme among NB folks lmao)

 

Thank you for your reply, kind human

[Astrid]

10 hours ago, PlutoTheOpposum said:

most people think that nonbinary people have to have short hair, flat chests, and skinny bodies. I'll admit that even I try to fit that stereotype.

I don’t concern myself with what other people think, focusing instead on what makes me feel authentically me. I am AMAB NB.

 

Short hair...nope (natural color)

Flat chest...nope (thank you, estrogen)

Skinny...yep (born that way)

 

I lean femme on the spectrum.

The usual pronoun confusion from cis folks. 

 

Yours androgynously, 🙂

 

Astrid 

 

[Vidanjali]

On 2/11/2023 at 11:38 AM, PlutoTheOpposum said:

people won't respect my pronouns unless I am fully androgynous-looking,... 

 

Are you sure? People generally don't seem to get they/them pronouns at all, no matter what a person looks like. Aptitude for respecting pronouns has more to do with a person's individual integrity and willingness to learn and be compassionate and kind than it does with the social cues their eyes feed to their brains. 

 

On 2/11/2023 at 11:38 AM, PlutoTheOpposum said:

as a lot of NBs are.

 

Again, are you sure? It could be androgynous enbys are more recognizable when they're androgynous-presenting. There are likely very many femme and masc presenting enbys who fly under the radar because their appearance causes others to simply assume they're binary - and you wouldn't know they're enby unless you got to know them. 

 

There is no required nonbinary presentation which will make one more valid. I think it's important and freeing to affirm that. 

[Astrid]

19 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

There is no required nonbinary presentation which will make one more valid. I think it's important and freeing to affirm that. 

🙂

[tracy_j]

4 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Are you sure? People generally don't seem to get they/them pronouns at all, no matter what a person looks like. Aptitude for respecting pronouns has more to do with a person's individual integrity and willingness to learn and be compassionate and kind than it does with the social cues their eyes feed to their brains. 

That is something I have found too. 

 

People are geared into the binary thing from a very early age, obviously aided by genetics. They like to put everyone into little boxes, 'M' or 'F', so anything else is a problem they cannot easily deal with.

 

My experience is probably pretty much the same as most others. Sometimes I am gendered male and sometimes female but I can only think of few obvious examples of people being considerate enough to take care in their language. Personally I don't worry too much unless I am obviously presenting female, for instance -wearing a pretty dress, and someone uses male pronouns but that happens rarely, even though some do realise (mainly women as they really see but they are generally more supportive anyway). I suppose that it's just a bit of a bolt out of the blue when it happens and it sounds worse that it really is.

 

As for the electric blue hair - Yes I think I would agree. I haven't seen it locally recently but through the years I think that a good number of non-binary friends I have had did have that at some point

 

Tracy

[FélixCa]

I feel you. I'm genderfluid AFAB, and the male part of me is very vocal about wanting to look very male. The female part, on the other side, could not care less what she looks like (she does want long, BLUE hair though! And we used to have green hair,  before we realised what we actually were, which I find very funny reading this post!)

 

I have DDD breasts and am struggling right now, trying to figure if I want them totally gone so I can rock my boy swimsuit and go around shirtless if I want to, or try and go for a breast reduction and see if they'll end up small enough for me to be happy... 

 

I feel like there's no easy answer as a genderfluid person, because both genders in me keep fighting for what they want. Add to that my own insecurities and fear and you sure have a recipe for a migraine haha!

[Hcgreyson]

On 2/10/2023 at 10:09 AM, Jackie C. said:

 

What's the standard for a non-binary person? The one and only one cue I see that tells me, "OK, they're NB" is electric blue hair. Hasn't failed me yet. Not every NB wears their hair like that, but so far every person I've met who does is NB. Which is cool, because NBs always register as friend-shaped to me. It's nice to know who I can gravitate to in a group and have a good time.

 

Other than that, I have NB friends who look kinda femme. Some who look kinda masc. Some who look really androgenous. One who looks like ... can't descrie them really without using words the filter is going to catch, but yeah. NBs are all different, just like the rest of us. Present how you like and identify with whatever feels right. Everything else isn't your problem.

 

Hugs!

Hahaha!  That’s hillarious, because I died my hair blue a few days before starting to come out to several friends! >_<