Hello from Austin, Texas.

[JessicaMW]

After an agreement with my wife to pause transition I’m currently a frustrated trans girl suffering from intense gender dysphoria. Eight years ago my wife convinced me that I needed to seek therapy which I ultimately did. My therapist and I concluded that it was appropriate for me to start HRT. It was an exciting time and I felt a sense of great relief and joy at the start of this new journey. However, my wife who had obviously thought therapy would relieve me of my “confusion” and apparently expected some type of conversion therapy out of my therapist. She gave me an ultimatum of ending our marriage if I continued along this route. I agreed to pause my transition and end therapy, an agreement that haunts me to this day. However, my wife has also had some major health issues in the meantime that has further complicated things. It’s a difficult position, I live in constant dysphoria but see no escape. If I lived in a vacuum and my life only affected myself and no one else, especially her, I’d initiate full transition immediately but this isn’t the case. I realize that I need to restart therapy and hope to do so soon. I'm exploring area therapists that are covered by my insurance (BCBS). However, my wife sees this as a gateway to transition which she absolutely opposes. I've also made the decision that it is long past time to come out to my siblings which I intend to do as soon as we can sit down together (we live in different states). Not expecting any answers here, just sharing my frustration and ongoing sense of intense dysphoria with no realistic solution.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Jessica.  I am sorry for the dilemma you find yourself in.  Sometimes there are no easy answers or solutions.  It isn't fair for your wife to block your progress in that way, but it is not an uncommon response or tactic. 

 

Venting is often a good substitute for therapy, and we're happy to oblige your need to do so.  Please post in any forum and we'll be here to help if we can.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forum from a relative newbie in every sense of the word. I am sorry to read about your current situation and, while I'm not in a position to offer any real advice, here to lend an ear or a shoulder.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jessica,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Delcina B]

Welcome @JessicaMW! So glad you're here! I resonate so much with your situation. I share only my experience & in no way do I suggest the same path to you. We each have our own journey, though often similar they are individually ours.

  Initially when I told my wife three years ago of me, of which she'd had a glimpse, I explained to her I needed to explore it & see a therapist. She agreed. About six months later, we talked & I told her I'm transgender, it isn't going away, & I needed to transition. After several conversations, not always pleasant, during the last she said I was selfish for doing this & she wanted a divorce. Out loud I agreed to the divorce, silently I agree I was selfish. So I put me, Delcina, in a box, again. Though this time it wasn't because of shame, self loathing & self hate, it was for her & our family. In four days I rapidly became a raging maniac, full of so much anger & resentment towards her. A beautiful woman here in the forum who like me dealt with these type of emotions with addictive, self-destructive behavior helped me understand what I am, what I need to do isn't selfish. To continue would lead to a miserable life for me & those around me. 

  Today I am on my journey, so much happier living life as the transgender woman I am! Dysphoria still exists but it fades with each step forward. We are divorced, & honestly I think our relationship is better than it ever was. Our children & grandbabies the focus of our mutual efforts today.

  I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have!

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[JessicaMW]

A little bit of an update. I'm in therapy now at our local VA which under the current administration is highly supportive. When I'm ready, they'll also facilitate my HRT. I've also now come out to my siblings who are also very supportive of my true self. However, my wife remains unchanged and staunchly opposed to any changes. Our life together is tranquil as long as I keep my mouth shut about my dysphoria. 

[Carolyn Marie]

Great news about the VA, @JessicaMW.  Sounds like it might be rough going forward if your wife doesn't change her mind, though.  I wish you luck.

 

Carolyn Marie

[KayC]

@JessicaMW Thank you for the update!

It's nice to hear you are back in therapy again and you've made some progress and have sibling/family support.  I know from my own experience that an unsupporting spouse and remaining cloistered is a difficult situation to endure.  But I can also tell you it is possible to move forward ... for me it was over 3 years but I am finally on HRT and working toward social transition.

Deep breaths ... one step at a time.

[JessicaMW]

More happy news! My spouse has now dropped her adamant rejection of HRT and I've now been referred by my PCP to an endocrinologist to begin. I've also been advanced from my therapist at the VA to the supervising psychologist for recommendation for that HRT, and hopefully, eventual bottom surgery as well. I'm hoping to get an orchiectomy moved up in the timeline due to preexisting contradictions for Spironolactone and also chronic painful bilateral cysts of epididymis.

[April Marie]

What wonderful news!!

[Heather Shay]

Welcome. I see you've already met some of the wonderful people here.

Hugs

[EasyE]

It's amazing how many people on here are going through/have been through similar things. I just read and resonate with your initial post from last year. My wife is vehemently opposed to any sort of HRT/transition in my case. And I feel so selfish for even thinking about it at times. But these feelings are not going away, they only seem to be strengthening... 

 

Glad to hear you have found some peace with your wife and are on a positive path medically speaking. Best wishes!

 

Easy

[Mmindy]

On 1/15/2024 at 3:32 AM, JessicaMW said:

Our life together is tranquil as long as I keep my mouth shut about my dysphoria. 

 

12 hours ago, JessicaMW said:

More happy news! My spouse has now dropped her adamant rejection of HRT and I've now been referred by my PCP to an endocrinologist to begin.

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums @JessicaMW 

 

Like you I'm in a long term relationship being married 47 years now and in June it will be 48 years. I came out to my wife three years ago, and she had a similar reaction as your spouse. Before I came out she claimed to be a strong supporter of the LGBTQIA community. I came out, then she had restrictions, and conditions on the transgender portion of the community. Anyway, I'm in therapy and on a slow track transitioning. When I came out to my siblings the two youngest a sister and brother were supportive, and the other two a brother is reluctantly supportive and mostly doesn't want to talk about it. My sister just under me has band me from her life and all thing associated with her. I expected her to do that since she did the same thing to her youngest daughter who came out to the family as lesbian. My grown children are also mixed in how they support me. My son is reluctant to support me, and my daughter is so excited she almost can't contain herself when we're together. One of the best things I did for myself was join Transgender Pulse Forums. The support network here is amazing.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋