Hello to everyone! I'm Allison

[Allison_Marie]

Hello to everybody out there!

 

I am Allison and I'm 34 years old, post-op for 12 years, and live in a world where almost nobody knows I'm transgender.  My family and everybody else who knew the old me are still back on the east coast and that's the way I really prefer it, in a world where everybody just knows me for who I am now, the real me..

 

But that does cause issues sometimes, especially concerning friends, and boyfriends and sexual partners, and not knowing when I should let them know, and when it's just not something they need to know.  I let a relationship go too far last year where we actually got engaged before he even knew. When I told him the truth, he blew up at me for being dishonest and it really made me feel bad.

 

So one of my few transgender girlfriends out here told me about this site and that I should give it a shot, so I am!  I look forward to some nice chats as I'm sure there are girls like me in a similar situation who have dealt with some of the same issues, and really looking forward to have a place I can open up about these issues! 

 

Allison

[Rhonda234]

Welcome Allison_Marie You Are in the Right place as I Have Found This Site To be very Helpful

take care of yourself and be true to who you are

 

[April Marie]

Welcome , Allison, from a very new girl just learning who I am and dreaming of the world ahead.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Allison.  I'm sorry to hear about the relationship problem you had; dating is a minefield for trans folk, regardless of the situation.  Sometimes I envy younger women, and sometimes I'm glad for my own situation.  There is rarely an easy answer.

 

Your experiences will be valuable to many of our members, I'm certain, and you will be able to learn from some of us older gals, too.  Please have a look around, post questions and comments, and enjoy the time you spend here.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Allison_MarieSorry to hear about your relationship problems.  I can't imagine the pain of a broken engagement.  You are NOT alone.  I'm in my early 30's just slightly younger than you.  Dating is a minefield, and I didn't even find a relationship of any kind until age 26.  I spent a lot of years depressed and alone.  One of my friends is a trans girl just slightly younger than me, and she's had zero luck finding a partner.  I've tried setting her up with a couple of people I know, but no joy so far.  

 

That said, I do believe there's somebody (or multiple somebodies) out there for everybody.  My first GF led me to what is now my forever family.  I'm confident that my friend will find somebody, although living in a rural (conservative) area that could be a challenge.  You'll find somebody too....my husband always says that good things come to those who wait. 😊 

 

In the meantime, there's plenty of folks on here who can identify with how you're feeling.   

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Allison,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Susan R]

Welcome @Allison_Marie, Glad you found us and I hope you enjoy the site and can get the most out of it. It’s been a godsend for me.

 

On 3/2/2023 at 2:26 PM, Allison_Marie said:

But that does cause issues sometimes, especially concerning friends, and boyfriends and sexual partners, and not knowing when I should let them know, and when it's just not something they need to know.  I let a relationship go too far last year where we actually got engaged before he even knew. When I told him the truth, he blew up at me for being dishonest and it really made me feel bad.

I’m so thankful for that I’m done with the dating scene. I can’t imagine having to worry about the right time to disclose news of that magnitude to a potential dating partner. It’s so difficult to know when it’s best to disclose this kind of news because of all the variables involved. If you wait too long, you’re told you’re dishonest or worse. If you’re immediately upfront with your dates, you could possibly end up with a lot of consecutive first dates….perhaps missing out on Mr. or Mrs. Right.

I think it’s even more difficult for those of us dating individuals in the child-bearing years. At some point, it will have to be discussed for obvious reasons. But exactly when is it the responsible thing to do? That is the ultimate question. Certainly, in the beginning, it should be on a need to know basis…but that leaves a huge grey area to work with. Maybe when you become ‘exclusive’ with that one special person it becomes the right time. But if you’re not planning on having children or are past that point in your lives, is it still the responsible thing to do? I guess that all depends if honesty and openness is an important part of your relationship.

 

On 3/2/2023 at 2:26 PM, Allison_Marie said:

…really looking forward to have a place I can open up about these issues! 

IMHO, It’s a great resource for support, advice, and friendships of all kinds. I’ve learned so much about ‘all things trans’ and that’s helped me learn more about myself. I think you’ll find some common ground here if you put in a little effort. There are some pretty great people here and they are always looking forward to helping others when they can.

 

Thank you for sharing part of your story. You have much to bring to the table. You sound like you might have a lot of experience that would be helpful to many here. I hope to hear more of your story if you’re willing to share.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Maddee]

Hi @Allison_Marie

Thanks for posting here.  

Nowadays people don’t know I’m not cis. 
I am post-ops and want to date men.

So far it hasn’t been necessary to say anything.  But I am unsure of what or when to say it anyhow….

 

Yes, Please post back in the forum or hit me up if you want to discuss issues like this.  
 

[BrandiBri]

Hi Allison. Welcome to the forums. I can't contribute to the conversation as my girlfriend is trans and we met at a PFAG meeting. But I'n sure that there are others who have gone through the same situation and can help yau. again, welcome to a very friendly and supportive group of like-minded individuals.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Salted Caramel]

Hi Allison and nice to meet you!

As a 22-year-old genderdluid female (and a newborn member of this forum) who previously thought seriously that I'm trans, and as a person who has been in a steady relationship for almost 5 years I can say, that it might feel like the right time to tell your date/partner/friend never comes. I forced myself to tell my thoughts to my partner when we realised, that our feelings alligned and things were getting serious. I wanted to let him know, because I cared about him. I also understood, that he might leave me. But nevertheless, I wanted to be honest and have the opportunity to come out and hear his opinions and thoughts, because you can never know how someone will take it. At first he did not take it well, but wanted to give our relationship a try, because he had already fallen for me. Him being a cis hetero man, I'm still quite amazed how well he has handled my gender and sexuality issues and how his suspicions have turned into support and encouragement. He genuenily just wants me to be happy.

 

I don't want to make you feel like you *should* tell everyone immediately, but I definitely think the best thing you can do to your own feelings and comfort is to address the thing before it's too late and before it starts to feel more like a burdon or something that keeps you up at night.  And I strongly believe there are people that will listen to you, and although acceptance and overcoming might take time, that does not make you and your identity any less valuable or something to be afraid or ashamed of. Happy surprises do exist! ❤️

 

Best regards, Salted Caramel

[Allison_Marie]

Thanks everyone!

 

I posted this issue in another thread in the "Transgender Issues" section, and it's really not an easy question to answer.  You all make good points about when it's "too early" or "too late", and there really is no correct answer.  For some people telling them early might make you connect better.  But I really don't feel like a partner needs to know unless we are actually in a relationship that seems serious.  I have tried to keep the number of people out here in California who do know to a minimum, especially as it could affect my career as you never know for sure who has hidden bigotry for us.

 

For now, I have decided, for lack of any better choice, that if I date a guy 10 times he has to know by then.  The other question I sometimes think about is whether I should be sexual with a guy who doesn't know.  This was the issue my ex-fiancé was most upset with me about, but I really don't think a guy necessarily needs to know if we are sexual but not yet into anything long-term.

 

I'm also not seriously dating a guy at the moment so I guess this is the time to try to prevent this issue from happening again, as losing the man I dearly loved in a matter of minutes (and having him throw his engagement ring at me) was really crushing to the soul. But it was his loss more than mine.

[Mmindy]

Hey there Allison,

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums, I hope you find this site as useful as I do. It's not therapy, but its darn close.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋