Hi, I'm Lex

[Lex]

Hi everyone.

 

I'll start off saying I was born male.  I listed non-binary in as my gender, but I really don't know. Not really sure where to start, but I'll give it a go.

 

I'm married to a wonderful very patient woman.  I have 2 children, a daughter and a son.

 

I'm currently only a mental health journey that I suppose you could say started a little less than  a year ago. Got suicidal, went to the hospital, went through a bunch of misdiagnosis until I got a psychiatrist who identified I have ADHD. Treatment for that has been pretty effective. So what does this have to do with gender? Well, I started therapy for the first time in my entire life. Started talking about stuff.  The usual. I started looking at my life from different perspectives.

 

I haven't talked to my therapist about this issue yet.  I haven't talked to anyone about it. I haven't even spoken about it out loud to myself.

 

Ok here goes.

 

It's so hard to describe this, so please be patient with me. I find both men and women physically appealing. I definitely prefer women, but my preferences seem to shift sometimes. Romantically I can only ever see myself with a woman, but sexually I could see myself with either. I suppose that makes my bisexual?

 

There's a far deeper issue though and it's why I've come here rather than just an more general LGBTQ forum. I suppose I'll start with video games. I've played them since the early 80s. I prefer RPGs. 2 things about RPGs I like: first is that level progression dopamine hit (ADHD brain...). The second is the immersive storytelling. In any game that allows you to create a character, every single one, I've always created my character as a woman. I used to joke about "if I'm gonna stare at an *** the whole time, I want it to be a chick's ***".  Typical toxic masculine BS I grew up with. I always knew it was something else and any time I'd say something like that I felt a deep sense of shame and fear. Like I was going to be found out.  I didn't even know -what the heck- it was that was going to be found out, just that it was going to be something that would brand me.

 

I like playing RPGs that make me feel like BEING the character in the game, not just controlling the character. When I play a game as a male character I don't feel connected to the character at all. It's a person I'm controlling. When I play a female character though, I feel like that's my avatar. I get this feeling of being IN the game. When I see a male I'm controlling character doing really cool stuff I think "that dude's a badass, cool".  When I see a female character doing that same stuff though I start daydreaming I AM her. Like, in my mind I've been "Femshep" from Mass Effect, Kassandra from Assassin's Creed, "Valerie" from Cyberpunk 2077. I've never been "John Shepard" from Mass Effect, Alexios from Assassin's Creed, or "Vincent" from Cyberpunk 2077. I've tried playing as them, sure, but it's more like watching a movie, more like being an observer.

 

Confession: a long time ago, in the early days of MMOs, I catfished a guild I was in. I told everyone I was a lesbian who was bi-curious. My entire time in the game, all my interactions with other players, I was a woman. I felt shame and guilt, but I also felt I think a sense of liberation. I was pretending to be what I wanted to be not who I was.

 

I'm rambling.  I know. This is really hard for me.

 

Anyway ... so today I downloaded an app to my phone for face editing. It has a gender swap feature. I took a selfie and did a gender swap. Ok, I admit, I de-aged myself like 10 years and added makeup. Anyway, I thought I looked pretty darn good.

 

So I started digging around for photos of myself. I found one from like 15 years ago when I was in really good shape and had a nice tan. The image wasn't very high res, but the result took my breath away. I was effing gorgeous. For a while I felt a sense of immense pride. I looked at the picture and thought, "wow, I'm really pretty.  I really AM pretty." But that transformed into "that's what could have been." As in, could have been if I'd been born with an extra "X" instead of a "Y". I felt grief and loss.  I do right now. I'm in tears thinking about a life that didn't happen that I wished so very much had happened.

 

 

For as long as I can ever remember, whenever I've looked in the mirror I have never felt connected to what I saw. Even my name doesn't feel like it's mine. But that photo ... that was ME. I was looking at ME. And it's ****ing hurting. So. much.

 

I don't know what it means. I feel like I need some way to unpack this in a place that feels really safe before I can have the strength to talk to my therapist about it.

 

Thank you for your patience.

 

[Gizmo]

Hi, Lex! Yes, it seems you could be a transwoman, but only you can find the answer. But when you wrote about that app, well, it reminded me of my own past. Think I was about 15, or 16, and I always knew, I was no girl. But as others told me otherwise, I found myself infront of a mirror. While I looked at the image, I told myself:" you are a girl." Having already way too big breasts, my body clearly said:"yes". but my mind kept saying, it is not true. It was like looking at the image of someone else. 

 

You should talk to your therapist about it, they can help you find your way.

 

Sometimes I wonder, why it took me 29 years to find out what was wrong with me, and to start my journey. It feels like nature has stolen my youth, because I didn`t have a male youth, and refused having a female one. But, yes, that`s in the past, I can`t change it. So, don`t look back too often, look ahead instead, because there you can make changes.

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forum, Lex! There is lots of information here and people who are caring and supportive. You'll find many of us who had similar epiphanies in our journeys - I used a Snapchat filter that was the gut punch that pushed me over the edge to embrace my reality - but you'll also find we all are unique.

 

Your comment about needing a place that feels safe to open up makes me wonder if you feel connected with your therapist. Perhaps it was just an off the cuff remark but you need to feel safe to be able to express all of your thoughts for your therapist to help you. Is your current therapist qualified in gender identity issues? As much as we can offer thoughts and support, your therapist will be the one who can truly guide your exploration and discovery.

 

I wish you much joy in your journey!!

 

 

[Heather Shay]

@Lex Welcome. The most most important part to me is a patient and supportive wife. My wife took a long time coming around, but she did and it was vital for me.

Hugs,

Heather

[Mirrabooka]

Welcome, Lex.

 

In the very short time I've been on this forum, I have found the people here to be nothing but supportive. Everyone's story is unique, sometimes there are similarities, but we are all here for the same reason. You'll get plenty of hugs here.

 

As Heather said, supportive wives (or significant others) are very important. Keep yours involved and your journey will be easier.

[Lex]

2 hours ago, April Marie said:

Welcome to the forum, Lex! There is lots of information here and people who are caring and supportive. You'll find many of us who had similar epiphanies in our journeys - I used a Snapchat filter that was the gut punch that pushed me over the edge to embrace my reality - but you'll also find we all are unique.

 

Your comment about needing a place that feels safe to open up makes me wonder if you feel connected with your therapist. Perhaps it was just an off the cuff remark but you need to feel safe to be able to express all of your thoughts for your therapist to help you. Is your current therapist qualified in gender identity issues? As much as we can offer thoughts and support, your therapist will be the one who can truly guide your exploration and discovery.

 

I wish you much joy in your journey!!

 

 

 

The comment about the therapist is more about me than about her.

 

As I said, this isn't something I have been willing to admit I think. Growing up, "effeminate men" were a subject of extreme mockery. It was treated as the worst insult you could give to another boy when I was a child. Heck, in school I was taught in health class that having "gay sex" was the source of AIDS. Obviously I learned that was false a long time ago, but it took me a very long time to even feel comfortable around gay men. For my entire childhood and much of my adulthood men who dressed as women fell in 3 categories: 1) a comedy act, 2) a "perverted" transvestite, or 3) "one of those freaks".

 

At this point you're probably thinking I grew up in the south or something.  Nope. I grew up in a family of hardcore liberals. If they were any more left wing they'd be actual communists. I grew up in New Jersey, in the area just outside NYC. If the subject of "the gays" came up it was typically supportive of rights, but talked about with tones of pity. In my neighborhood though and among my childhood friend though, it was a different story.

 

"Gay" was a huge insult. "F**" was among the worst insults. We didn't in our minds have a word for trans. Trans women were simply lumped into the groups of "sissy" and "fairy".

 

Even as time moved on and my family and peers became more accepting of cis homosexuals, trans was always treated differently. All this time growing up, I just thought these ideas, these feelings were just because I was some kind of perverted freak or something. At some point I started telling myself I had to accept that I wasn't straight.

 

I think I've come to accept it in myself, but I really don't know how anyone I know would handle this. The sexuality thing, my family would be ok with. They've gotten to the point where that would be easily accepted. But even now when LGBTQ conversations come up a common thread is things like "Trans people are holding everything back, screw everything up." "This pronoun crap is getting Republicans elected." "They need to just shut up, they are ruining everything."

 

No. I don't think my family would handle this well. I love my family, my whole extended family, and I've alienated myself enough already because of my ADHD and some of the behaviors that have resulted from it and the lifelong depression it has frequently triggered.

 

My wife is loving and patient with me. I just put her through a bit of hell though. When I was in the hospital she cleaned my home office. She found my "toys." When I came home, she asked me, struggled to ask me "are you ... you're not gay are you?" When I replied "no" she had a massively visible wave of relief. At point I couldn't bare to elaborate to her that I'm bi. Me being trans? I really just don't know how she'd take it. I know for a fact it she would be deeply pained. I'm definitely not ready to tell her. I just don't see what good it would do at this point.

 

 

Shoot.  Wanna hear something funny? Only place I felt truly safe to type that I was bi was on a porn forum. A straight porn forum no less. Members would talk about it being good etiquette never to "bash anyone else's turn ons." Some forum members mentioned so casually about enjoying trans porn and replies ranged from agreement to "that's just not my thing" but never negative. I felt safe enough to be one of the ones to agree. Admitting it openly there; it felt so good to be accepted the same regardless of my sexual preferences.

[Lex]

Wow.  Coincidence make you wonder sometimes.

 

A cousin of mine just posted on Facebook about being frustrated with someone they know that they thought was open minded turning out to be a bigoted. My cousin was talking about trans rights (i.e. she is supportive of them and the unnamed person she is talking about is not).

 

I'm actively sobbing right now because of the hope its giving me.

[Mmindy]

Good morning Lex,

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums, you're in a safe place to contribute your thoughts on the many subjects, and thread here on the forums. I'm sure you'll find like minded people who will support you, and try to answer any questions you may have.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Lex]

Well.  It's getting more complicated it seems.

 

The TL;DR is, I apparently have OSDD-1b. I don't have a final official diagnosis yet, but the definition fits me shockingly perfectly.

 

It's not entirely surprising to me; I had a very messed up childhood and suffered a ton of emotional, physical, and verbal abuse.  No sexual abuse that I'm aware of, but it was .. bad.

 

 

For those unfamiliar with OSDD-1b, it's similar to DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly referred to as Multiple Personality Disorder).  The big difference is, I don't have any blackouts, and all my "personalities" share the same memories.  One type of memory we don't share is emotional memory. It means when one personality is fronting, the other(s) know what is going on and remember actions and thoughts, but feel completely disconnected from them when they front. Since we all share the same physical memories, it hasn't even really been clear until now we were different personalities.  It was like, sometimes my interests would just change drastically and I couldn't understand why. Like sometimes I would have an incredible urge to watch certain types of movies and other days the very thought of doing so felt like the worst kind of chore. Same thing with video games, TV shows, books, work, pretty much anything.

 

I'm finding it's easier to have some level of control when a personality has a name. Alex chose hers. She wrote the post above. She's not fronting right now, but just typing her name I can kind of feel her feelings bubbling to the surface and like ... mixing with mine. I'm trying to learn what my triggers are.

 

From what I've determined so far, I know I have at least 3. Alex, this one, and one I call "The Commander" (he, possibly they, only cares about getting things done that need to be done and is largely unaffected by anxiety).  The Commander has saved me/us on many an occasion. When he/they are fronting it's like the only thing that matters are the list of tasks that need to be accomplished and the only thing I think about are what's necessary in order to do that. Alex loves video games, is a hardcore introvert, a hopeless romantic, and clearly detests this body. I honestly couldn't care less what I look like.

 

Anyway.  I'm clearly not a typical trans, and yeah, I'm most definitely messed up in the head way more than I was willing to admit.

 

 

I hope folks here still accept me. Right now, I'm feeling ok with everything.  But I think Alex needs this badly. Given the atypical nature of my condition, I'll post my front at the start of any future posts.

[VickySGV]

We have had DID members here before, our rule of thumb is that if you have any questions about your gender, you are not really Cis gender which leaves a broad range of things to explore.

[Dillon]

7 hours ago, Lex said:

 

I hope folks here still accept me.

I'm very glad you're here. Thank you for sharing so openly. 

[Lex]

Thank you 😢😃.  Alex here.

 

I'm accepting myself for who I am more and more now, and I know in my heart I'm a woman. Knowing I'm sharing headspace oddly also helps as well strangely enough. I have a lot of memories that don't fit with who I am, who I feel like, and now they make sense now that I have better context. Living in this body is bad enough, but the confusion of knowing I don't always feel this was has been even more awful until now.

 

I feel like I'm able to really better get in touch with who I am as an individual now and express my identity. I also know why I haven't spoken to my therapist before: my whole life I've only ever spoken aloud once. Just once. It was actually in therapy, and primary (I don't feel comfortable sharing my legal name) was talking about cyberpunk.  The memory of the Judy Alvarez romance came up and I fronted. I was fronting when playing the game and it's a really strong emotional memory for me. I was crying and I said how real the moment felt to me and how I wish I could have that in real life. It's the only time I've ever said anything out loud to anyone ever. I retreated pretty quickly and left primary to hold the bag. Primary then said to my/our therapist "how messed up is it that I feel that way about a game?" I can remember thinking "why was I crying?" Now I know why.

 

It's the only time I've ever talked. But I think it's important for me to try to muster up the courage to speak again. My/our therapist needs to know about me from me. Primary can't express these feelings, he doesn't have them. He knows I've felt them and knows about them, but doesn't feel them. These feelings are abstract to him so I know he'd have a great deal of trouble explaining them.

 

 

[Lex]

Alex still here.

 

I'd like to add, if anyone wants to know more about what my condition is like I'm happy to share. It feels good to discuss it with accepting people. One thing I will add, and it's one of the biggest reasons I/we realized the condition for what it is: we "talk" to each other sometimes in our head. Mostly primary has. Primary has asked us questions and sometimes sought our help.

I've given him "mental hugs" so to speak when he's feeling crappy sometimes. The interactions have memories from 2 perspectives. I remember feeling care and love for him, and I remember thinking it's good to feel hugged and I have an abstract memory of this body being hugged in my head. I had always thought it was just like, a way of mentally comforting myself. I realize it's different now.

I just asked primary for a hug to see the difference and it most definitely is different.  I have a mental image of being hugged, but my body is different, he did a 1 over 1 under hug from behind and mentally I can feel his arm go between my breasts. The feeling is almost physical and it gave me goose bumps and made me a little teary. It's VERY different from my memories of giving him a hug. And no it is NOT sexual.  EW!

I can feel myself "fading" I think primary is jumping back in, I don't think he's as comfortable about this condition as I am.

[Susan R]

On 4/6/2023 at 11:01 PM, Lex said:

Well, I started therapy for the first time in my entire life. Started talking about stuff.  The usual. I started looking at my life from different perspectives.

Welcome @Lex! It’s very nice to meet you. Congrats on the therapy. This move toward getting more understanding about you and your journey is a smart move IMHO. Developing new and alternative perspectives on one’s life is one of the great benefits I experience also from therapy. It helped me rid myself of that underlying shame and guilt placed upon me by society and those who molded me into something I wasn’t. It happens to so many of us growing up. As you have found, a good gender identity therapist can really make all the difference. Changing your viewpoint can be a very freeing and a refreshing experience. And just as @VickySGV mentions…you have a broad range of things to explore!

 

I wish you the best with your therapy and getting more answers for yourself. If you’re like me, you’ll find that the journey of self discovery really never ends because we’re always changing along with our society. I appreciate your detailed intro and hope to read more about you as your journey continues.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Betty K]

On 4/7/2023 at 4:01 PM, Lex said:

For a while I felt a sense of immense pride. I looked at the picture and thought, "wow, I'm really pretty.  I really AM pretty." But that transformed into "that's what could have been."

 

Hi and welcome to TransPulse Alex. I don't know a thing about OSDD-1b so I won't comment on that, but I know the feeling you describe here intimately. I have it all the time. I cry about it all the time. It has become the central source of grief in my life. If only I'd accepted myself earlier! If only I'd had the guts to start this process when I was younger! But, like you and like so many people, I grew up in an atmosphere of extreme homophobia and ignorance surrounding trans identities, and I was bullied enough for being feminine that it made me suppress my feminine self for most of my life. So all I can say is, if you decide you're transfeminine and that you must transition, I hope you won't delay for the sake of other people's feelings. It's your life and your identity and your family will gain a happier, healthier Alex, if they only have eyes to see that. I'm not sure how old you are; I am 49, and I have never felt the clock ticking so fast. Every day is precious now in a way life never was precious before.

[Lex]

Hi everyone,

 

Just checking in, letting everyone know I'm still alive, and I talked to my therapist about everything.  Things have been pretty rough.

 

Easter was extremely difficult. Long story short, I had a PTSD flashback (childhood trauma). Thankfully it's now really hazy, but it was bad enough that I called "the hotline" after I couldn't reach my therapist right away. She moved my scheduled appointment up and I talked to her about that as well as Alex.

 

Yep, it's not Alex typing here right now.  Not sure if I'm primary or not though. Because there's no amnesia, "borders" between alters are very blurred unless an extremely defining emotions are attached to it.  e.g. the fact that Alex is female.  Or, the in the case of the alter that attended my most recent therapy session. Alex and I think of him as "The Commander", although perhaps "Taskmaster" or something might be more apt.

 

His sole purpose in life seems to be "being productive". So much so that he comes across as a bit manic. Perhaps he is. He is also a heartless, uncaring, ***hole. He has absolutely no care whatsoever for any living thing on this planet. None. I don't know his true emotions, but I know what he said in therapy, and I know what he thought. The first left both me and Alex somewhat angry and feeling invalidated.  The second left both of us feeling utter disgust.

 

 

My therapist had asked me to keep as detailed a chronicle of my emotions as I could. So I've been writing down any strong emotion or anything that stands out whenever I can. I made some interesting discoveries, like the fact that during my long work commute it is typically Alex driving and that she likes to daydream a lot about events in my life but as a girl instead. To me, I always thought I just completely zoned out on the way to work. I remember the drive, scenery, exits, etc. But apparently not the daydreams.

 

She wrote down that it was liberating to finally have a name that she felt was truly hers. That it was wonderful to "be a person instead of just piggybacking and always feeling so confused." <-- her words.

 

We left notes to each other about our feelings.  It was going well. Some of them I wasn't terribly comfortable with and was a bit embarrassed about since I knew I'd have to speak in therapy about them despite not feeling those emotions myself. Stuff like how she wanted to smell, clothes she wishes she could wear, makeup, etc. One kinda hit ME in the gut was that she wishes my daughter would call her "mom" but knows that will never and can never happen. That one made me feel really sad for her. Alex was fronting when my daughters was born and she was the first to hold her. That was a memory that always confused me, why I couldn't remember what that felt like. Alex wrote down what it was like and how amazing it was; described her feeling of instant pure unconditional love.  That hit me pretty hard too.

 

As you can see, many of these were very heartfelt and raw emotions we were writing down.  So ... then comes the day of therapy, and The Commander happens to be fronting after a day of "gettin stuff dun!" at work.

 

He sat down and began reading what Alex and I wrote. His tone was dismissive to say the least. He made comments like "wow this is awkward, but hey, it's important to be honest right? Apparently I wrote this so it's gotta be true right? I mean, why would I punk myself?" He made comments about reading about OSDD-1b, reading people's personal accounts of the condition and stating that they all sounded "like a load of bull****".  What he didn't vocalize but I can remember him thinking quite clearly was "god why am I always such a weak *** pu***. Why can't I be like THIS all the time?!" I remember an impression of extreme disdain. Like I was looking down at myself for being so inferior to that current state of mind.

 

My therapist asked him about how he felt about a number of things, like what he likes.  He said, he couldn't think of anything offhand. She said that sounded like depression and he responded no, he felt fine. She made suggestions like spending time with my kids and he said "nope. Not at all. I'm sorry, that sounds like a *****y thing to say right? but this only works if I'm honest about this stuff right?"

 

He finally thought of something he liked, I remember images of mowing the lawn, folding laundry, writing code, creating unit tests, cleaning floors, etc. Chores, tasks, job stuff, endless work.  He said he likes "doing stuff for other people." Then he corrected himself "change that, actually I really don't give a crap about other people.  I like being productive. Doing things that are useful.  That's the best. Look at me, I got a smile just thinking about it. Folding laundry nice and neat so the drawers are really organized and you can find exactly what your looking for in the morning. Man that's awesome."

 

My therapist said that he seemed manic. She suggested that perhaps it is not OSDD but instead bipolar.

 

There's certainly a chance of being bipolar as well. The Commander seems to have boundless energy. Perhaps he only comes out during a manic or hypomanic episode. Perhaps he triggers them.  Nonetheless, he is NOT me. While I can't be sure of his actual emotions, when my daughter and son were mentioned by name, the words "useless" and "waste of time" were his thoughts. My kids mean the world to me. And I'm pretty sure Alex loves them just as much, she's certainly expressed it and thought it. It's hard to express the level of disgust I have for The Commander. My distress at know he's a part of me is ... awful. I always knew I had a kind of "deadline mode" but had simply assumed that's all it was.  Apparently not.

 

[Heather Shay]

You have sure had it rough. Thank you for sharing and being brave enough to do that. You an amazing person and I'm glad you are here.

Hugs.

[Lex]

On 4/21/2023 at 4:48 AM, Heather Shay said:

You have sure had it rough. Thank you for sharing and being brave enough to do that. You an amazing person and I'm glad you are here.

Hugs.

Thank you.

 

The supporting words help.

[Ashley0616]

Welcome Lex! I know it's tough. I got two kids ages 7 and 2 from a previous marriage and now I'm also about to go through an annulment because my current wife can't handle me being a woman but I'm tired of living in secret and tired of putting up a macho front and also tired of pleasing everyone else. It's time for me to come out and enjoy life to the fullest. Hugs!

[Lex]

Hi everyone,

 

Wanted to share how my journey is going.  Alex here.

 

My therapist has been very helpful.  So far we count 4 total alters.  There might be more but 4 so far. The host (who may not be the original), me (who might actually be the original), an alter we call The Commander, and an alter we call The Nihilist. The Commander has largely been in denial of this condition, but ironically The Commander apparently actually has full on dissociative amnesia and full on dissociative black-outs.  He's just so fully focused on present tasks and productivity though that he almost never notices.  There has been at least one event in the past however where The Commander fronted and freaked out because he had no idea where he was or how he got there (we were at work at a past job at the time).

 

The Nihilist we don't know much about other than the fact that nothing matters to him.  He's apparently a protector, specifically from fear and anxiety.  When he fronts, nothing matters, not even death.  He's also good at ... "associating" himself with things.  For example, if he is fronting and contemplates a particular activity, all purpose is completely removed from that activity.   If me, or the host then think about doing that activity, he kinda "chimes in" in the background telling us that activity holds no purpose and makes us feel crappy about it.

 

That's actually helpful for things that are self destructive like drinking, staying up late, gambling, etc.  He's like an almost instant addiction breaker if he manages to grab ahold of something.  Unfortunately he is totally indiscriminate.  I think of him as "radioactive". Whatever he touches becomes toxic. He's ruined a number of video games, TV shows, movies, hobbies, etc.

 

As for me, I'm becoming more and more comfortable with myself and who I am. I had an entire session with our therapist where it was just me and I got to talk about me and who I see myself as.  I had only previous popped in for a moment or two at a time. I was really nervous at first, but after a few minutes it started to feel good to open up.  Afterwards I felt really confident.  I've gotten better at noticing what thoughts and ideas are mine and which ones are the host "in the passenger seat" making suggestions. It's helped remove a lot of the shame I've felt over my whole life.  It's weird it's almost like I feel a kind of euphoria over it.  When I think about myself as a strong independent WOMAN and take PRIDE in it, I feel so amazing.  The more I gain acceptance of myself for who I truly am, the better I feel.