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Who am I really supposed to be?


Amy2023

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Hi everyone I’m Amy. Ive pretty new here, and honestly I just don’t know what I am. I’ve laid my whole life story out in the Coming Out forum and summed up my life in the Introductory forum.

 

The reason for this conversation is because I don’t really know what I am. I know I feel more like me in woman’s clothes than men’s clothes. I’ve been doing it since I was 16 and from that first time, I felt sexy. I felt like I had been wearing the wrong clothes all the time. When I’m shopping for bras, I imagine that being a picture of be with boobs, then I look down at my chest and start to cry. The best example I can think of to explain how is feel is if your painting a picture or drawing a picture and you mess up so you just scratch it out so it goes away and you don’t ever have to see it again, that’s what I wish I could do when I look in the mirror and see this guy in it. When I shop for clothes I imagine it being me and how attractive and good is look if I had the body of a woman. I have dreams of me being a woman and I wake up every morning looking to see if I have boobs, of course I’m disappointed everyday. Lately, I can’t stand it when people refer to me as “he”. It’s been happening a lot, and I can’t stand it when I have to do “guy” things like lift something heavy or move something heavy just because a guy is what people see. I can’t stand the sight of this penis I have. If it weren’t for the urges I get, I wouldn’t touch it at all. Although most of the I use a vibrator just so I don’t have to touch it. I don’t want it anymore. I’ve even thought about cutting it off, hoping that would be a medical reason to get everything started. Being afraid of bleeding out alone has kept me from trying. I’ve been questioning a lot of things lately and started taking transgender quizzes online. Although I know they are not 100% accurate in diagnosing gender dysphoria, but I’ve took 6 quizzes. 5 of them said that I’m transgender and one said that I’m genderqueer. 

I don’t know who I’m supposed to be. I don’t connect to and feel like the guy I see in the mirror. If I never had to see “him” again or have this body anymore I wouldn’t miss it.

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  • Admin

Simply put, YOU are supposed to be YOU whatever that entails in your daily life.  I NEVER really did or understood what was expected of me as a male, and my attempts to be that way never looked right to me then either.  Over in my pictures in the Gallery here I do look feminine at first glance, but out in my garage/ workshop, and in my "Ham Radio Shack" corner of one room I will not really be Girly or feminine, just andro thanks to HRT, but there and other places gender does not matter, which is really where we are trying to go with all of this.  When I am doing technical stage work for my Trans Chorus, I am wearing a hard hat and safety gear, but that can change if I am going to be "in the lights" as opposed to setting up the lights  (a couple of my gallery pictures show me in camera make-up) or even appearing in some videos that are out in public view.  The point is that ALL and EVERY BIT of it is ME, yes ME and no one else.  Who is Amy and what does Amy realistically think about who Amy to be?  Write a biography for Amy, and then get thee to a Therapist who can help coach YOU to be the AMY you see for AMY. (I am deliberately NOT using gendered pronouns there, that is for you to say.)  Try it, it is the only way through.

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  • Forum Moderator

Hey there Amy,

 

You're not alone in your feeling, and thinking. What helped me out was getting into therapy. My first therapist wasn't well versed on Transgender issues. I haven't seen in any of your postings that you have been to a therapist. While we can validate your feelings, and suspicions here on the forums. You really need to see a professional therapist.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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Mindy, I actually haven’t made it that far. I’m still questioning everything and although I’m sure it might give me some clarity, I’m a bit skeptical, well, that’s not the right word but don’t know the right word so I’ll stick with that. The state that I live in, and no I’m not ready to disclose that, does not completely understand what I am going through and until a year or so ago, was not trained on how to treat and communicate with the transgender community. I just wanted to throw in a side note real quick, I using the term transgender only because I don’t know another term to use. I am not tying to label anyone on here or anyone who reads this. I know everyone identifies themself as something and I am not trying to offend anyone. Anyways, The state that I live in only has surgeons, therapist versed in the area in the major cities and not in the smaller cities, which is where I live. There is not a therapist around me who I feel could understand what I am going though or be able to diagnose me with gender dysphoria,  if that is what I have. It’s about a four hour drive and with my wife having a full time job and having a teenage daughter to take care of, it’s enough for her not even to want to get past the idea and try, even if she might want to consider everything.

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Have you considered working with a therapist through tele-medicine? I found my therapist through an on-line platform. I have now moved to her private practice but our sessions are still through her patient portal. Although she lives in another state, she is licensed in my state of residence and I can't tell you how much she's helped me in these past 3+ months. 

 

As Mindy said, we can all relate our own experiences, feelings and beliefs but only you can really determine who you are and where you want to be in your identity - because each of us are different. A trained therapist can help you do that and it doesn't have to be in a traditional face-to-face setting.

 

Just some thoughts. I wish you well in your journey, no matter where it takes you.

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April Marie I actually didn’t think about it until you mentioned it. I was not aware that was something that they were able to do. Thank you for the help.

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Mindy and April Marie, I just wanted to say thank you for suggesting a therapist. I know it had to at some point be my next stop on this train I’m on, but it was probably you two who made me do it. I just found one, well a few actually, that do video therapy sessions as well as in person. I sent a message to one that does video therapy and chatting therapy sessions for those who are nervous. Hopefully I can get help from there, although I’m a little more nervous and anxious now. But still. Thank you. 

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5 hours ago, Amy2023 said:

Mindy and April Marie, I just wanted to say thank you for suggesting a therapist. I know it had to at some point be my next stop on this train I’m on, but it was probably you two who made me do it. I just found one, well a few actually, that do video therapy sessions as well as in person. I sent a message to one that does video therapy and chatting therapy sessions for those who are nervous. Hopefully I can get help from there, although I’m a little more nervous and anxious now. But still. Thank you. 

You are certainly welcome!!! I'm not sure how I could have coped much longer without reaching out to a therapist. 

 

It's natural to be anxious and nervous - you've been carrying all this inside for years. I found that, once we got talking, I pretty much gushed it all out. Since then we've gone back and unpacked it piece at a time. I truly look forward to my session each week now.

 

I hope you make a good connection with your therapist. Don't be afraid to seek someone else if you don't feel comfortable or have any concerns as you get started. I was extremely fortunate to click on the first try. Find a therapist who you trust is capable of hearing you and helping you.

 

Best of luck as you start the journey!!

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi, Amy.

 

Nice to meet you!

 

It is okay to be questioning.  But after questioning for a while, it is good to check for answers.  I think I see a lot of answers in your post at the top of the thread. 

 

If you have a hard time discerning the answers that you have within you, that is what therapists are for.  I am glad that you are making moves towards talking to one.

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@Amy2023You're taking the right step, looking for a therapist. I think it's also helpful to continue communicating with people, like you are on this forum. A nice thing about this forum is that lots of people are exploring who they are. 

 

You don't have to decide everything at once about who you are. People often take small steps and see how they feel about that before they take the next step. I know a lot of people have done that about gender identity--i have--but people also take small steps about other questions they are exploring about their lives. They can be very small steps, that's OK.

 

Not fitting into what society says you should be is not your fault. You don't have to blame yourself. You don't have to hurt yourself. You can be who you are, a beautiful, questioning person. That's OK. 

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On 4/13/2023 at 7:42 AM, Dillon said:

@Amy2023A nice thing about this forum is that lots of people are exploring who they are.

That is one of the things I found most beautiful about this forum: so many of us are testing the waters. For the longest time I was hesitant to join, thinking I find people who were 100% sure of who they were and what they wanted to do with their lives. I quickly found that wasn't the case. Each of us may be at a different point in our journeys, but in a larger sense we're all in this together. ––Rianon

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  • Forum Moderator
39 minutes ago, Rianon said:

I was hesitant to join, thinking I find people who were 100% sure of who they were and what they wanted to do with their lives.

 

Even those of us who are now sure of who they are were usually questioning at some time in the past, often for many years or decades. 

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4 hours ago, Rianon said:

That is one of the things I found most beautiful about this forum: so many of us are testing the waters. For the longest time I was hesitant to join, thinking I find people who were 100% sure of who they were and what they wanted to do with their lives. I quickly found that wasn't the case. Each of us may be at a different point in our journeys, but in a larger sense we're all in this together. ––Rianon

I second that.

 

I've known about this forum for quite some time but only joined a few weeks ago. The thing that was stopping me, was the question, "Am I trans enough?" I now know that I needn't have worried. I have found my tribe.

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It must have been fait that I found this site. I was searching for transgender quizzes and just happen to stumble across this site. After reading different conversations I decided I join, hoping to get answers if nothing else. I’m glad I did. 

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hey Amy. Everyone before me is right. However, i feel you because i been transition for over 5yrs now .I been with several  GT( Gender therapists, like 10) and i finally found someone that;s really help me out. 

Although, i still have major  dysphoria like what your going through. I however, no longer want to harm myself, which is a big steep.

 If you need my TG phone number ( she dose phone and video session and works with all the insurance ) em at alexpc12001@ gmail.com

Her name is Dr. Robin Cooper she work mostly with the LGBTQ center 

Good Luck Be safe

 

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a therapist is definitely needed to figure out your gender and then your sexual orientation and then accepting it all.

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  • Forum Moderator
On 4/14/2023 at 10:56 PM, Mirrabooka said:

"Am I trans enough?"

 

Oh hey, that book is on my girlfriend's shelf. (link)

 

Hugs!

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21 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Oh hey, that book is on my girlfriend's shelf. (link)

 

Hugs!

I never knew that I was referring to a book title, lol!  Thanks for the link; I will seriously consider getting myself a copy! 

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