Am I a girl with a masculine brain?

[marysssia]

Hi dear people,

 

I'm 24 years old and I've never felt truly masculine. In terms of identity, I definitely feel like a girl and there's no doubt about it. However, I always have a problem with cis girls as they always seem to be more articulate than me, better at multitasking than me, more 'bookworm-like' than me (I read books very rarely as I don't really have a motivaiton to do it) and just... overall more intelligent than me. It just ruins my life. Whenever I try to relate to cis females, they always appear to be smarter than me. And, quite frankly, it drives me crazy. The way how my brain works makes me feel utterly useless. I personally suspect that it's all because of high prenatal testosterone exposure (I have relatively low 2D:4D digit ratio) which made my brain extremely simple-minded. My brain just doesn't align with my gender identity. I don't know how put it better... I have tried so many suppliments and medications (antidepressants, nootropics, anticonvulsants) to increase my creativity and multitasking abilities in order to make myself not inferior to cis girls.

 

I truly feel like girl but, at the same time, I'm scared even of having a simple conversation with a cis girl...

 

I have talked about it to many psychologists, but they seem clueless about what I should do. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is a mistake. I feel like being born as a man caused so much harm to me and my brain. I often cry several times a day as my life is like a torture. 😢 I'm sorry for my English - it's not my mother tongue.

 

What do y'all think? What should I do? Is it possible to be trapped in a masculine brain and at the same time psychologically be a girl?

[ChloeL]

Hey there Marysssia.  Just wanted to say you found the best place to talk about these issues with, the people here are so awesome and helpful, and you'll feel very welcome here!

 

A few years ago when I was in high school and still thinking of transitioning, I felt the same way about interacting with the girls.  Yes I badly wanted to be one but they also seemed on a different level than me as a shy, helpless, confused boy.

 

But then I started on hormones, and started the let the real me come out more, I became more androgynous and free flowing in my personality and started to let the real me come out.  And I became more engaging, with a freer personality, and frankly by letting the girl in me be her true self, I found I was a lot more like the personality of the girls I had admired. And now I've been working as a girl since last summer which is when I went full time and I am just one of the girls where I work now and I feel like a new me was born.

 

So I'm not sure that I give the best advice as this is only my experience, but I find the combination of female hormones and just letting the real girl in yourself find herself does wonders for making yourself so much more like those who were lucky enough to have been born female.

 

Good luck you on though, and use all the good advice on this site you can, everyone here is so nice!

[marysssia]

Hi

 

Thank you for your kind words  Yes, I've started HRT 9 months ago and I definitely feel better on estrogen by a lot than on T.

 

You're right, maybe I just need to socially transition (I haven't done that yet, but in general I'm seen in public as a girl).

 

Again, thank you for your advice ❤️ 

[Ashley0616]

Hi maryssia! It can definitely be tough out there. I was born male and I couldn't relate to guys at all. I liked cars and that was about it. I was definitely born with a female brain. I connected easier with females than males. A lot of times the girls thought I was hitting on them when all I wanted was to be friends. I played football to try macho things out and it didn't work out. I didn't have fun at all. I was simply going through the motions to prove to my Dad. I got tired of it and stopped. I did something I wanted to do and never looked back. I can't wait till I can start taking HRT maybe I can come off some of my psch meds. 

[Vidanjali]

@marysssia , jak się masz & nice to meet you. I agree that social transition seems a natural way to access your creativity - you, as your own art form. I am blessed with natural creativity. But, I have learned from the wise that we are all potentially infinitely creative, and that access to creative expression is something which can be learned with concerted self-effort. So, do not despair. Focus on finding ways to let your true self shine, moment by moment. You will become happier and increasingly creative in the process. Bless. 

[Ivy]

Welcome maryssia

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forum, Maryssa!!

[Davie]

Am I a boy with a feminine brain?

 

Good question.

[Ivy]

I'm pretty sure I was exposed to DES in the womb.  But I've kinda quit trying to figure it all out.  I'm just me now.

[KathyLauren]

19 minutes ago, Ivy said:

I'm pretty sure I was exposed to DES in the womb.  But I've kinda quit trying to figure it all out.  I'm just me now.

 

That is how I feel.  (I also suspect DES, not that it matters now.)  If asked to describe myself, I suppose I would say that I am a woman who was born with a male body, but it is not something I think about a lot.  I am just me, and I am happy with who I am.