Dealing with people laughing at you in the shop

[Michelle38]

I went to the shop last night I was wearing my leather pencil skirt a lovely blouse and tights and my stilettos on and only went to get something to drink and the people serving in the shop started laughing at me for wat I was wearing and it really hurt my feelings and made me feel less confident in myself 

[Susan R]

Hi @Michelle38, I am so sorry to read that this happened to you. Very few of us in the community who have crossdressed publicly have not experienced some amount of ridicule along the way. No matter where you are in your journey or even transition, it hurts. People who are extremely blatant and purposefully hurtful like this have something missing in their lives. Their way to feel better about their shortcomings is to put down others.

 

What is the proper response? IMHO, safety for yourself should be first priority. I think everyone has a right to stand up for themselves but sometimes this can put you in serious danger. Also, can you really make real change by confronting these types of individuals? I don’t know the particulars in the situation mentioned above but if you felt unsafe in any way, you did the right thing to avoid confrontation.

 

Try not to let these individuals get the best of you. That’s their intention. You deserve respect and have every right to present in your preferred gender identity. Always remember that. Society wants you to think you don’t and that’s just not true. It’s hard to ignore these responses. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had the same loss of confidence after being clocked or misgendered along the way. I thank years of therapy in helping me deal with these feelings and misperceptions. It’s not easy but in time it gets easier to ignore such idiocy. Keep your head up!

[MaybeRob]

Michelle 

 

Some people are just horrible. 

 

Hoping you can quickly recover some confidence.

 

Rob

[Michelle38]

Thank you everyone for your support it means a lot I’ve only started going out in public in women’s clothing and I know some people are going to be like that but it still hurts but I’m going to try and gain some confidence back because I love wearing women clothes it hasn’t stopped me because I’m wearing one of my dresses today with my underwear and bra but I’ve only gone in my backyard to my clothes lingerie etc on my line 

[Ashley0616]

You are more daring than I am. I still haven't went out in public yet. I'm scared. I know it's something I have to face but it's not even easy to ponder. I can already hear being called sir and being laughed at or pointed at. 

[MaybeRob]

 I can remember many years ago, my wife can home from working in a bank that a transgender group used. After

the first transgender customer came in, that night she told me about it stating, "that she was lovely and had better legs than mine".

 

Just mentioned this to show there are positive interactions as well as negative.

 

Rob

[Ashley0616]

2 minutes ago, MaybeRob said:

 I can remember many years ago, my wife can home from working in a bank that a transgender group used. After

the first transgender customer came in, that night she told me about it stating, "that she was lovely and had better legs than mine".

 

Just mentioned this to show there are positive interactions as well as negative.

 

Rob

Thanks Rob it's nice to hear some positive situations!

[Michelle38]

I know I will try again but atm I might just take one step at a time and try get some confidence back I’ll still dress up round my house like I have today with my lingerie and dress I’m wearing 

[Charlize]

I remember being stared at during my first ventures out.  I can't remember being laughed at except once in the mall by a flock of young teen age girls who simply tittered and glanced over their shoulders as they passed.  I remember thing that everybody knew instantly.  

As i look back i can see that i would have stood out regardless.  I wore high heels, stockings and clothing more appropriate to a night club than a shopping trip.  I've learned to blend and haven't had an incident in years.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[kira_k]

Hi @Michelle38, 

Sorry to hear that happened to you. I've had these discussions with a therapist many times and although you shouldn't have to worry about it, it does happen and it's one of the reason why I don't dress exactly how I want when I go out. It definitely does hit your confidence. But what I try to remember is that they are probably laughing because they don't understand. It's less about you, it's more about them.

 

I've been out to meet a friend at a Costa and wore my ballet flats. A woman was waiting for her drink in front of me. She was looking down and had noticed my shoes and was smirking to herself. When she got her drink she walked off. But that was going through my mind for the next couple of days and even a small think like that had hit my confidence.

I've also had servers smirking and laughing.

I talked to the therapist about the above and what he said was to remember that they are laughing because they don't understand. Plus, you don't actually know what they are thinking. The woman's smile/smirk could have been her just thinking "well done you". Also, I may have just been awkward in myself too, which makes people wary of you/think something is up.
So, you've just got to ignore other people and go about your day with confidence. Also, you can't control other people - if they're going to laugh they will. You can't stop them. But you can adjust how you react to that. Rather than "They're laughing at me so I must be doing something wrong or look stupid", you change that to "They don't understand. I feel great in this skirt though."

[Sally Stone]

Hi Michelle,

 

I so wish we lived in a world where people weren't so cruel.  Unfortunately, that isn't going to change.  So, we have two options.  The first is to dress the way we want but obviously, that takes courage and thick skin.  The second option is to be conscious of our appearance, dressing for the occasion.

 

I actually subscribe to a modified version of the second option and it has served me well all these years.  As a "girly" girl, my wardrobe consists mostly of skirts dresses and higher heeled footwear, but I try to keep what I am wearing from being "over-the-top."  I keep the hem length of skirts and dresses at or slightly above the knee and I find that heels with 3 or 3 and half inch heels satisfy my inner girl quite effectively.

 

I wish we didn't have to worry about how others react to our wardrobe choices, but it's a sad fact that we do, unless we are thick skinned enough to not be bothered by those reactions.  I'm so sorry you had to deal the uglier side of people.  It's not right, but unfortunately, it is reality.  

 

   

[Michelle38]

After the last time I went out dressed up in my women’s clothing I got laughed at coz I had a cream blouse on a leather pencil skirt and my stilettos a month ago so I thought I’d give it another chance today so I went out in the outfit in pics but I had my high heels on not my trainers lol and no one laughed this time but someone asked me where I got my gorgeous outfit from so I told her she sed she admired me for not being afraid to be the real me and she would gladly go out with me anytime in women’s clothing or not which me really pleased I did it xx

[Tilly]

You look great in those pics Michelle!

 

I am really sorry for what you went through though. It does take a lot of courage to step out. A trans counsellor friend of mine uses humour in a cutting way but I don't have the skillset to do that.

 

I've taken recently to keeping my eyes averted when out walking but that's also because predatory aggression, mostly from males, is common for women of all kinds. And it's harder to ignore people in a shop. There's so much hatred around and I'm really sorry for what happened.

 

Please don't lose courage. We have all had this at one time or other and, if it's any consolation, cis girls also get hurtful remarks all the time.

 

xx

[Michelle38]

4 hours ago, Tilly said:

You look great in those pics Michelle!

 

I am really sorry for what you went through though. It does take a lot of courage to step out. A trans counsellor friend of mine uses humour in a cutting way but I don't have the skillset to do that.

 

I've taken recently to keeping my eyes averted when out walking but that's also because predatory aggression, mostly from males, is common for women of all kinds. And it's harder to ignore people in a shop. There's so much hatred around and I'm really sorry for what happened.

 

Please don't lose courage. We have all had this at one time or other and, if it's any consolation, cis girls also get hurtful remarks all the time.

 

xx

Thank you very much yesterday was the first time out in my womens clothes in a month coz of wat happened but this time I gotta better response instead of being laughed this time I was respected for having the courage to be who I want to be xx

[Birdie]

On 5/1/2023 at 1:51 AM, Michelle38 said:

I went to the shop last night I was wearing my leather pencil skirt a lovely blouse and tights and my stilettos on and only went to get something to drink and the people serving in the shop started laughing at me for wat I was wearing and it really hurt my feelings and made me feel less confident in myself 

Never worry about the opinions of people you would never take advise from anyways. 

[Rachel Stockport]

3 weeks ago myself and couple of friends went to ladies day at the horse races. While getting some food I had a chair kicked in front of me and the bloke shout out that’s a bloke in a dress 😢 this really put my confidence down but then later on while in the queue for the toilets got told I really love your outfit by a lady so guess it’s swings and roundabouts   
 

picture attached

[Birdie]

@Rachel Stockport You look absolutely smashing dear, and don't let anyone ever tell you different. 

Perhaps that individual was influenced by alcohol and spoke out of jealousy. Either way, it was awfully bloody rude of him.

[KathyLauren]

4 hours ago, Rachel Stockport said:

the bloke shout out that’s a bloke in a dress

 

I am sorry that happened to you.

 

When something like that happens, summon up all the attitude you can, look directly at the offender and slowly look him over, from head to toes and back up.  Take a second or two for each direction, down and up.  The expression on your face should say, "What species are you?" or "What sewer did you crawl out of?"  Then, without saying anything, roll your eyes, turn and walk away.

 

Even just thinking of doing that, whether you follow through or not, will boost your self-confidence.

[Tilly]

I'm so sorry that happened Rachel. 

 

I was quite shocked during the Glastonbury festival footage that Alison Goldfrapp called out someone in the crowd along the lines of, 'Oh there's a guy in a dress. You look great.'

 

Despite the supposed praise, there's obviously all sorts of things wrong with that. The camera panned to her. She was with a friend and they looked quite upset to me.

[Charlize]

6 hours ago, Birdie said:

You look absolutely smashing dear

Agree and you should be allowed to enjoy yourself without childish harassment.  

I hope you can let it go and continue to live as yourself without issue or fear.  I remember somewhat similar incidents before i went full time.  Those were setbacks but time, a "tougher skin" and confidence has

removed that kind of fear.  

Of course you could also put a brick in your purse.😄  Not such a great idea.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Sally Stone]

You would think trans folk are mainstream enough that people aren't shocked when they see us.  In m experience, most people I meet aren't shocked but it's clear a lot of them are curious.  I actually don't mind the curiosity but I can't stand the ignorant, ugly responses and I feel for everyone that has deal with them.