Brynn is here: excited, confused, scared.

[Brynn Walters]

Hi! I’m Brynn 🥰  I’m 54 years young.  After decades of confusion, deception, and denial, I finally came to understand myself as bi-gender and bisexual.  I am amab and married to an amazing woman for the last 31 years.  The process of coming to claim the truth about myself was difficult enough, and I couldn’t do it without the help of a supportive therapist, but the subsequent coming out to my wife has been painful for both of us.

 

My wife feels confused and angry and betrayed.  She had some inklings about my bisexuality and does not object to it in theory, but fears I will want to act on it by having an affair or random hookup.  I try to reassure her that I will honor our commitment to monogamy, but there was an infidelity on my part in our relationship many years ago when we were engaged and so there are wounds and trust issues that linger.

 

She does not grasp my feminine gender at all,  nor does she find me attractive when I express my femininity.  It is not something she has a neutral reaction to; on the contrary it repels her, and I don’t see this as something she will warm to over time. She has agreed to accept certain expressions of my femininity: some makeup, nail polish, underwear,

but is alarmed by cross dressing, which I have said I only want to pursue at home. She fears I will want to “escalate” over time and this would be catastrophic to our relationship.  
 

On the one hand I am excited to have found myself at long last.  But it is coming at such a great cost. I am sometimes angry and resentful that my wife is not more accepting, flexible and supportive.  But then I remind myself that this is not what she signed up for so to speak, that I unintentionally have misrepresented myself to her for the duration of our relationship up until now.  I am glad she is still with me and trying to make adjustments, but it hurts knowing that there’s an integral part of me she will never be comfortable with or attracted to.

 

There’s much more that makes up Brynn than this crisis but that’s what’s on my mind and heart as I join this community.  Hope to meet many of you soon! 
 

With love,

 

Brynn

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Brynn.  Welcome!

 

Many of us have walked the road you are travelling.  Coming out to one's spouse is always difficult.  I am sorry that it is proving difficult for you both, and I hope you are able to negotiate a satisfactory way forward with her.

 

I am happy that you have found a therapist who is helpful.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[EasyE]

2 hours ago, Brynn Walters said:

My wife feels confused and angry and betrayed ... She does not grasp my feminine gender at all,  nor does she find me attractive when I express my femininity.  It is not something she has a neutral reaction to; on the contrary it repels her, and I don’t see this as something she will warm to over time.

 

Hello Brynn, welcome! I am new on here as well and as I read your post, I feel like I am reading my own words. I am 52 years young and have been married for nearly 24 years.

 

I came out to my wife about my feminine side -- the strong part of me that likes to express itself in feminine dress -- about two months ago. She has had the same reaction as your wife -- definitely not neutral! In some ways, she has been pretty nasty to me, even telling me she's not sure she trusts me around our daughters (who are 18 and 14)

 

I can totally see things from their point of view. This isn't what they signed up for (and I've done some other pretty crappy stuff as well). My wife was horrified when I told her I like to sleep in satin lingerie and did so whenever she was gone -- like I was killing puppies or something. Sigh...

 

I think the best course forward is brutal honesty -- with ourselves and our partners. I reached the conclusion recently that all I can do is be the best me possible and love my wife and kids with everything I've got -- and let the chips fall where they may. And they may not fall where I want them to...

 

Stay strong!

 

E

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Brynn.  I am sorry to hear of your struggles with your wife's acceptance.  Things sometimes do change and improve over time, but it will take patience and lots of communication.  She does have a valid concern about you wanting to push the envelope over time; many of us start out self-limiting our behavior, but it gets more difficult as time passes and excitement and the urge to be one's true self increase.  I'm not saying that it's impossible to stay within your self-imposed boundary; it's a reflection of what I've seen and experienced.

 

Please look around the forums, ask questions, and we will be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forums, Brynn! I'm relatively new here and just 4 months past coming out to my wife - and older than you by more than a decade. I am sorry that you are having difficulties with acceptance by your spouse and I hope that you can both work it out. It is definitely so helpful that you have a therapist you can trust.

 

I would offer what others have said - honesty is absolutely an imperative as is communication with your wife. Go slowly and don't push the envelope. Let her have time to process it all - it is much like the grief of losing a loved one and I think you'll see all of the same phases of grief.

 

I am blessed to have a very supportive and understanding wife, but it does take time to establish the new "norm." Best wishes as you move forward.

[Ivy]

Welcome Brynn

[Mmindy]

Welcome to TransGenderPulseForums Brynn,

 

As you can see there are a lot of us here who have lived your story. Some of us have remained married, others have not. The best thing about being out is that you can now have open honest conversations with your spouse/partner/wife. That was the most important thing to come out of my conversation with my wife.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Brynn Walters]

Thanks to all of you for your warm welcome, and your kind, wise, and supportive words.  I know I will benefit from the lived experience and perspectives of people like you!  I am trying hard to balance being true to who I now know I am and the knowledge that this is shocking, painful, and frightening for my wife.  It’s hard to go slow when you finally “figure yourself out”, so to speak, but moving slowly is good advice, to be sure.

 

See you around ❤️,

 

Brynn

[EasyE]

On 5/14/2023 at 8:41 AM, Brynn Walters said:

On the one hand I am excited to have found myself at long last.  But it is coming at such a great cost. I am sometimes angry and resentful that my wife is not more accepting, flexible and supportive.  But then I remind myself that this is not what she signed up for so to speak, that I unintentionally have misrepresented myself to her for the duration of our relationship up until now.  I am glad she is still with me and trying to make adjustments, but it hurts knowing that there’s an integral part of me she will never be comfortable with or attracted to.

Hi again. Your words, Brynn, continue to resonate with me. The paragraph above is totally where I am right now...

 

My wife has been so icy with me since I first shared with her about my feminine dimension, scrutinizing me especially this past week because I bought several pairs of women's shorts. I so badly don't want to hurt her, yet like you said I am excited to have found myself too. Who knew peach-color shorts could inflict such pain on someone?

 

Sometimes I feel so selfish, like, am I really going to lose my marriage over clothes? Why do I feel like I have to do this? At other times, I just know that this is a part of me, and that I have to be true to myself. No matter which road I choose, there is going to be pain and loss... Sorry to hijack your thread and write about myself, but I'm kind of in mourning with you as we walk similar paths... Best wishes to you...

 

E

 

 

[Ivy]

10 hours ago, EasyE said:

Sometimes I feel so selfish, like, am I really going to lose my marriage over clothes? Why do I feel like I have to do this?

It can get complicated.  

[Brynn Walters]

12 hours ago, EasyE said:

Hi again. Your words, Brynn, continue to resonate with me. The paragraph above is totally where I am right now...

 

My wife has been so icy with me since I first shared with her about my feminine dimension, scrutinizing me especially this past week because I bought several pairs of women's shorts. I so badly don't want to hurt her, yet like you said I am excited to have found myself too. Who knew peach-color shorts could inflict such pain on someone?

 

Sometimes I feel so selfish, like, am I really going to lose my marriage over clothes? Why do I feel like I have to do this? At other times, I just know that this is a part of me, and that I have to be true to myself. No matter which road I choose, there is going to be pain and loss... Sorry to hijack your thread and write about myself, but I'm kind of in mourning with you as we walk similar paths... Best wishes to you...

 

E

 

 

Yes, I have wondered that often, too.  I wonder why a certain type or cut of fabric is such a dealbreaker.  But then I remind myself it’s not that simple.  Clothing is symbolic, it represents something, both to us and our spouses.  I know that for my wife, it symbolizes a death of sorts: the death of the kind of marriage she envisioned as we move into our later years.  It also represents fear of what my bigenderism will “mean” in the longer term, anxiety about the attention/questions/judgment of family, friends and acquaintances, as well as anger at how I have misrepresented myself, no matter how unmaliciously, to her.  As others have said here, “it’s complicated.”  
 

Stay strong,

 

B.

[Ashley0616]

I can imagine your situation. It was simply just dressing up and then I realized how confident and happy I was when I was dolled up and told her that I wanted to proceed and she was at first supportive but that went away really quickly. It makes me wonder if it was really ever love.