Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Brynn is here: excited, confused, scared.


Brynn Walters

Recommended Posts

Hi! I’m Brynn 🥰  I’m 54 years young.  After decades of confusion, deception, and denial, I finally came to understand myself as bi-gender and bisexual.  I am amab and married to an amazing woman for the last 31 years.  The process of coming to claim the truth about myself was difficult enough, and I couldn’t do it without the help of a supportive therapist, but the subsequent coming out to my wife has been painful for both of us.

 

My wife feels confused and angry and betrayed.  She had some inklings about my bisexuality and does not object to it in theory, but fears I will want to act on it by having an affair or random hookup.  I try to reassure her that I will honor our commitment to monogamy, but there was an infidelity on my part in our relationship many years ago when we were engaged and so there are wounds and trust issues that linger.

 

She does not grasp my feminine gender at all,  nor does she find me attractive when I express my femininity.  It is not something she has a neutral reaction to; on the contrary it repels her, and I don’t see this as something she will warm to over time. She has agreed to accept certain expressions of my femininity: some makeup, nail polish, underwear,

but is alarmed by cross dressing, which I have said I only want to pursue at home. She fears I will want to “escalate” over time and this would be catastrophic to our relationship.  
 

On the one hand I am excited to have found myself at long last.  But it is coming at such a great cost. I am sometimes angry and resentful that my wife is not more accepting, flexible and supportive.  But then I remind myself that this is not what she signed up for so to speak, that I unintentionally have misrepresented myself to her for the duration of our relationship up until now.  I am glad she is still with me and trying to make adjustments, but it hurts knowing that there’s an integral part of me she will never be comfortable with or attracted to.

 

There’s much more that makes up Brynn than this crisis but that’s what’s on my mind and heart as I join this community.  Hope to meet many of you soon! 
 

With love,

 

Brynn

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi, Brynn.  Welcome!

 

Many of us have walked the road you are travelling.  Coming out to one's spouse is always difficult.  I am sorry that it is proving difficult for you both, and I hope you are able to negotiate a satisfactory way forward with her.

 

I am happy that you have found a therapist who is helpful.

 

Regards,

Kathy

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Brynn Walters said:

My wife feels confused and angry and betrayed ... She does not grasp my feminine gender at all,  nor does she find me attractive when I express my femininity.  It is not something she has a neutral reaction to; on the contrary it repels her, and I don’t see this as something she will warm to over time.

 

Hello Brynn, welcome! I am new on here as well and as I read your post, I feel like I am reading my own words. I am 52 years young and have been married for nearly 24 years.

 

I came out to my wife about my feminine side -- the strong part of me that likes to express itself in feminine dress -- about two months ago. She has had the same reaction as your wife -- definitely not neutral! In some ways, she has been pretty nasty to me, even telling me she's not sure she trusts me around our daughters (who are 18 and 14)

 

I can totally see things from their point of view. This isn't what they signed up for (and I've done some other pretty crappy stuff as well). My wife was horrified when I told her I like to sleep in satin lingerie and did so whenever she was gone -- like I was killing puppies or something. Sigh...

 

I think the best course forward is brutal honesty -- with ourselves and our partners. I reached the conclusion recently that all I can do is be the best me possible and love my wife and kids with everything I've got -- and let the chips fall where they may. And they may not fall where I want them to...

 

Stay strong!

 

E

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Brynn.  I am sorry to hear of your struggles with your wife's acceptance.  Things sometimes do change and improve over time, but it will take patience and lots of communication.  She does have a valid concern about you wanting to push the envelope over time; many of us start out self-limiting our behavior, but it gets more difficult as time passes and excitement and the urge to be one's true self increase.  I'm not saying that it's impossible to stay within your self-imposed boundary; it's a reflection of what I've seen and experienced.

 

Please look around the forums, ask questions, and we will be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

Welcome to the forums, Brynn! I'm relatively new here and just 4 months past coming out to my wife - and older than you by more than a decade. I am sorry that you are having difficulties with acceptance by your spouse and I hope that you can both work it out. It is definitely so helpful that you have a therapist you can trust.

 

I would offer what others have said - honesty is absolutely an imperative as is communication with your wife. Go slowly and don't push the envelope. Let her have time to process it all - it is much like the grief of losing a loved one and I think you'll see all of the same phases of grief.

 

I am blessed to have a very supportive and understanding wife, but it does take time to establish the new "norm." Best wishes as you move forward.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome to TransGenderPulseForums Brynn,

 

As you can see there are a lot of us here who have lived your story. Some of us have remained married, others have not. The best thing about being out is that you can now have open honest conversations with your spouse/partner/wife. That was the most important thing to come out of my conversation with my wife.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Link to comment

Thanks to all of you for your warm welcome, and your kind, wise, and supportive words.  I know I will benefit from the lived experience and perspectives of people like you!  I am trying hard to balance being true to who I now know I am and the knowledge that this is shocking, painful, and frightening for my wife.  It’s hard to go slow when you finally “figure yourself out”, so to speak, but moving slowly is good advice, to be sure.

 

See you around ❤️,

 

Brynn

Link to comment
On 5/14/2023 at 8:41 AM, Brynn Walters said:

On the one hand I am excited to have found myself at long last.  But it is coming at such a great cost. I am sometimes angry and resentful that my wife is not more accepting, flexible and supportive.  But then I remind myself that this is not what she signed up for so to speak, that I unintentionally have misrepresented myself to her for the duration of our relationship up until now.  I am glad she is still with me and trying to make adjustments, but it hurts knowing that there’s an integral part of me she will never be comfortable with or attracted to.

Hi again. Your words, Brynn, continue to resonate with me. The paragraph above is totally where I am right now...

 

My wife has been so icy with me since I first shared with her about my feminine dimension, scrutinizing me especially this past week because I bought several pairs of women's shorts. I so badly don't want to hurt her, yet like you said I am excited to have found myself too. Who knew peach-color shorts could inflict such pain on someone?

 

Sometimes I feel so selfish, like, am I really going to lose my marriage over clothes? Why do I feel like I have to do this? At other times, I just know that this is a part of me, and that I have to be true to myself. No matter which road I choose, there is going to be pain and loss... Sorry to hijack your thread and write about myself, but I'm kind of in mourning with you as we walk similar paths... Best wishes to you...

 

E

 

 

Link to comment
10 hours ago, EasyE said:

Sometimes I feel so selfish, like, am I really going to lose my marriage over clothes? Why do I feel like I have to do this?

It can get complicated.  

Link to comment
12 hours ago, EasyE said:

Hi again. Your words, Brynn, continue to resonate with me. The paragraph above is totally where I am right now...

 

My wife has been so icy with me since I first shared with her about my feminine dimension, scrutinizing me especially this past week because I bought several pairs of women's shorts. I so badly don't want to hurt her, yet like you said I am excited to have found myself too. Who knew peach-color shorts could inflict such pain on someone?

 

Sometimes I feel so selfish, like, am I really going to lose my marriage over clothes? Why do I feel like I have to do this? At other times, I just know that this is a part of me, and that I have to be true to myself. No matter which road I choose, there is going to be pain and loss... Sorry to hijack your thread and write about myself, but I'm kind of in mourning with you as we walk similar paths... Best wishes to you...

 

E

 

 

Yes, I have wondered that often, too.  I wonder why a certain type or cut of fabric is such a dealbreaker.  But then I remind myself it’s not that simple.  Clothing is symbolic, it represents something, both to us and our spouses.  I know that for my wife, it symbolizes a death of sorts: the death of the kind of marriage she envisioned as we move into our later years.  It also represents fear of what my bigenderism will “mean” in the longer term, anxiety about the attention/questions/judgment of family, friends and acquaintances, as well as anger at how I have misrepresented myself, no matter how unmaliciously, to her.  As others have said here, “it’s complicated.”  
 

Stay strong,

 

B.

Link to comment

I can imagine your situation. It was simply just dressing up and then I realized how confident and happy I was when I was dolled up and told her that I wanted to proceed and she was at first supportive but that went away really quickly. It makes me wonder if it was really ever love. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 105 Guests (See full list)

    • Petra Jane
    • MaybeRob
    • Stefi
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.6k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,031
    • Most Online
      8,356

    jacobb
    Newest Member
    jacobb
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Adele Svetova
      Adele Svetova
      (25 years old)
    2. BROOKSGLASS
      BROOKSGLASS
      (34 years old)
    3. FinnyFinsterHH
      FinnyFinsterHH
      (16 years old)
    4. fool4luv
      fool4luv
      (26 years old)
    5. itsaddison
      itsaddison
      (20 years old)
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      In the forward I learn that transgenderism is bad, and somewhere else that transgender ideology is bad.  I have not yet read a definition of either in the document.  I assume they are the same.  I know Focus on a Family has a definition of transgenderism on their website, or did, but I am not sure this is the same as that.  I might agree that transgenderism is bad if they use a definition I condemn (e.g. transgenderism means you always pour ketchup in your shoes before you put them on - I could not agree to that).  Is someone who believes in transgenderism, whatever it is, a transgenderist? I never see that term.  There may be other definitions out there, but I don't think there is an Official Definition that we all agree to.
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Crazy fact, was gonna go to the school where this went down at before I moved, have a lot of friends there. I know at least one of my friends met the guy on one occasion, not knowing who it was.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      They are thinking of Loudon.  The problem there was the girls were not protected from a known predator, who was moved from one school to another instead being effectively disciplined.  Outlaw school administrators? <sarc>
    • Abigail Genevieve
      How ironic.  I agree with the governor "“You cannot change your gender; you cannot pick your gender…there is a confused group of people that somehow think you can,”    - we are what we are, we are fighting the fact we CANNOT change our gender, which we did not pick.  Many if not all of us would not have picked a trans condition and have sought to evade, deny or move out or resolve it anyway we can.  Those who are confused on this issue are not trans folk.  They want us to change our gender but they deny we can.  Confusion.  
    • Vidanjali
      @FinnyFinsterHH no one can satisfy your questions about what will the future hold. But I can advise you to slow your mind down as much as you're able. Take it slow and one moment at a time. This advice goes beyond the practical reality that that's truly all you can do - further, try to enjoy each moment. It's clear you have a lot of aspirations regarding transition. But it's best to try to accept the bounds of your life circumstances at present because if you develop worries or even resentments about them, that will only make you bitter and more anxious. Instead, try to focus on anything you find affirming. Practice positive self-talk and give yourself affirmations too. Try to let go of expectations of your family members - they can only deal with change to the capacity they're able due to their own life conditions. Allow them grace as you wish they would allow you. Practice patience.   Try this exercise - read through your post and make one list of the positive developments and another of things you cannot control (including the future). If you have a sense of spirituality, offer the second list as a sacrifice to however you understand a higher power - leave it in their hands. If you're not spiritual, then offer it up to hope. Then throw that list away. Keep the list of positives and leave some room on it because guaranteed you'll have more and more to add. Look forward to that, but don't let your mind think it can rush things. Try to enjoy the ride. 
    • Vidanjali
      Happy birthday, Sam! Lotsa love!
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I still have not read much of this.  Very little of this document pertains to trans folk.  Some of the statements are more than problematic concerning trans folk.   It certainly was not written just to get us.   " those with gender dysphoria should be expelled from military service."  and "Reverse policies that allow transgender individuals to serve in the military. Gender dysphoria is incompatible with the demands of military service,"  https://static.project2025.org/2025_MandateForLeadership_CHAPTER-04.pdf are two lines out of hundreds if not thousands regarding the Department of Defense, targeting trans folk in an almost off-hand manner.    So if a fighter pilot, say, or a ship's captain, highly experienced and trained at enormous expense, is determined to be transgender (method unknown) the US loses someone badly needed due to the personnel shortage who is ready, willing and able to perform their duties.  Many trans folk have served well and transitioned later.  I don't think this point is well thought out.    A number of policy recommendations I would disagree with.  I am not sure there is a method to discuss those with the authors; I am attempting to find out.  I have good conservative creds.    They are fully intending to implement this, regardless of who the president is, as long as that president is conservative. It is not Trump centered.  I don't think he had anything to do with it. 
    • April Marie
      I wear a Delimira Mastectomy sleep bra with Vollence sleep rated breast forms. The form fit inside pockets so they don't touch your skin. I bought the bras on Amazon and found the forms on eBay. They were much less expensive than buying through the other sources. 
    • Ashley0616
      I wore an olive corduroy coverall dress with a navy blue shirt underneath. 
    • Ashley0616
      @LittleSamCongratulations on one of the biggest decisions. Looking forward to your progress. 
    • Ivy
      I don't wear a bra to bed.  The girls aren't big enough to need it, but still enough to appreciate.  Just a flannel nightgown suits me fine.
    • Ashley0616
      You're welcome. I'm here quite often if you need me. 
    • Ashley0616
    • Ivy
      Yeah, that is the point.  And of course they can be proud of themselves for saving humanity.   Yeah.  That would be scary.  I'd find a bush somewhere like our GOP governor candidate recommends.  So far I've gotten away with the women's.  I've been told I pass better than I realize.  But it would only take one a55h0le.   This is all so stupid.  I mean, who gets off on hanging out in a bathroom?
    • Ashley0616
      Oh yes. It was not fun cleaning it up but he is better.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...