"Subtle" clothing items

[Roach]

If someone who is still closeted is trying to find gender-affirming items of clothing, but doesn't want anyone to begin suspecting anything, what recommendations would you make?

 

In the past, I've gone out and gotten some socks from the half of the clothing store I usually wouldn't dare step foot in. They're socks, there's no way anyone would be able to tell. However, it still gave me some affirmation that I owned at least something. Any other suggestions?

[Vidanjali]

Shoes. One of the first items I went for when I finally gave myself permission to buy affirming clothing items. I got some men's wingtip shoes & dress & casual ankle boots. One male salesperson at the store saw me trying something on & nodded emphatically commenting they worked on me. That was a nice boost. I love how they look, I love knowing they're men's shoes, and they do fly under the radar - lots of women have complemented them saying they look cool. Men's sneakers work too. No one would notice they're not women's, but it's satisfying for you to be aware they're men's. 

 

Summertime is upon us, so shorts. Men's chino shorts are affirming & resemble modest length women's shorts enough so that probably no one would look askance if you're not out yet. I'm 5"3' and 7" inseam works for me. They are straighter silhouette than women's shorts with a roomier crotch. A tip for sizing. Measure your waist and then add an inch. That's a decent estimate for men's size as it'll compensate for extra curviness of the body below the waist. If your butt is of the "bubblier" variety, look for men's shorts recommended for "athletic build" as this would imply shorts for men with thicker thighs and butt.

 

No one would likely bat an eye at you wearing men's leisure wear like basketball shorts (of a shorter inseam than normal), sweatpants shorts or cut offs, oversize logo tee-shirts or a fly baseball cap. 

 

Glasses. I wear prescription glasses and have happily been choosing men's or unisex frames. (When I was ignorant of my ID and overcompensating, I'd stress to find the most feminine "sexy librarian" looking glasses possible ugh. Yet, I was actually always drawn to bigger, bolder, more geometric frames - I just felt shame about it, but no more.) If you don't wear prescription glasses, or a new pair is not in the budget right now, try some men's fashion frames or men's sunglasses. Seeing your face in a new way is very affirming. 

 

Men's short sleeve button downs. You can get lots of cool patterns inexpensively at a store like Burlington. And you can slip them on over a tee-shirt instead of stressing about which dressing room to use. I alter mine on my sewing machine, making the length and sleeves shorter. You can also roll the sleeve and iron the crease into place & and do a French tuck into just the front of your pants, or tuck half the front of the shirt leaving a few bottom buttons unbuttoned - a new tuck I've seen young men do. 

 

As for non-online shopping, it's probably less intimidating to shop at a store which carries both men's and women's clothing. But, consider that "women" frequently shop for the men in their life, so you'd probably seem less conspicuous in a men's store or department than you'd think. If you have a trusted male buddy who's willing to shop with you, that'll instill a greater sense of security. I do feel better when my husband takes me shopping than going alone. But, come to think of it, I think I'd also feel fine with a female buddy ally. Also, come to think of it, thrift store shopping is a great way to bag a bunch of menswear on the cheap. That way, you can experiment more and see which kinds of items you like the best. Also thrift store personnel are much less prone to interjecting while you're shopping like they would in a brand store, so there's greater anonymity at the thrift store. Tip - find a thrift store in close proximity to a ritzier town - the wealthy unload nicer clothes & more frequently/seasonally. 

 

I hope you find some things that make you feel great. 

[Vidanjali]

Lol, I just glanced back at my post and see I typed I'm 5"3'. I meant vice versa, 5'3"! If I were 3'5", I don't think the 7" inseam would give quite the same effect. 

[Roach]

Thanks so much for your advice @Vidanjali! This is really comprehensive. I agree, thrift stores are great for this kind of thing. (They're also very affordable.) I'm already out, but I'm still going to be re-reading this. Thank you again!

If there are any women on here who have advice going the other way, that is appreciated as well.

[EasyE]

On 5/27/2023 at 10:24 PM, Roach said:

If someone who is still closeted is trying to find gender-affirming items of clothing, but doesn't want anyone to begin suspecting anything, what recommendations would you make?

 

In the past, I've gone out and gotten some socks from the half of the clothing store I usually wouldn't dare step foot in. They're socks, there's no way anyone would be able to tell. However, it still gave me some affirmation that I owned at least something. Any other suggestions?

Just curious, are you looking for subtle feminine clothing items or men's? Wasn't clear from your intro. Good advice above, though from @Vidanjali.

 

 

[DonkeySocks]

For any transgender: Wristwatches. There's kind of a blurred line between intended genders with some styles.

 

Button-down flannel / heavy cotton shirts for ftm. Also men's hats and caps.

 

For mtf, search the shirts section at Kohls and JCPenney or similar. Some men's shirts now have really cute, feminine designs in the fabric, but they're "for men", so you can buy them "normally" and still feel super cute and freely expressive. Also for mtf, grow your hair out. It's probably a prettier color than you think, which will really show up if you grow it out and use a decent conditioner, and it's considered pretty typical at least in urban and suburban areas for "men" to wear long hair. And of course ftm can have theirs cut short, especially in summer when people will assume you did it to have less hair on your neck in the heat.

[EasyE]

Aside from underwear, when I really started building my "ladies" wardrobe but wanted to be subtle about it, I went all-in on socks. I mostly bought from Amazon and I found a ton of colorful crew socks. Also wool socks with bright colors and wild designs. Even ladies dress socks in blues, greens, purples, khaki that don't exactly scream, "these are for women" but yet can satisfy the desire to have something feminine on.

 

I also bought the more "frilly" ruffle socks with embroidered flowers on them and wore them with khakis or jeans (being careful not to expose too much around those I worried about). I've gotten bolder with socks these days, wearing the girly stuff with shorts. I just don't know that too many people even notice socks, and frankly I don't care if they do (most of the time)...

 

I recently bought several pairs of women's shorts from Kohls, TJ Maxx, etc. They look a lot more feminine on the racks than they do on me (which makes me a little sad). But I liked that I was wearing women's shorts and not men's, and I don't think the casual person -- or even someone closer to you -- would know much of a difference.

 

One my favorite pairs of shorts is bright yellow. Another is peachy-mauve colored (which my wife detests me wearing but that is another story for another thread). These aren't so subtle but I've been taking more risks here and there out in public. I'm older (52) and it's hard to find ladies shorts that aren't, well, too short for me. Not trying to scare anyone, lol...

 

I have TONS of colorful women's tank tops and camisoles that I wear under T-shirts or button downs. Harder to hide this time of year (especially the ones with spaghetti straps) but these make for great layering under sweaters, thicker button down shirts in the winter, too. I wear sports bras a lot. Something about having straps on that feels comforting to me...

 

You can get away with athletic/running shirts from the women's aisle. I am crazy about the mint green and lavender ones I bought this past winter (have one on right now actually). I've noticed many women's t-shirts are either very short and hard to tuck in, or have a very wide neck.

 

Again, good luck finding stuff that makes you happy. As for shopping at the brick-and-mortar stores, I wouldn't sweat being in the "wrong" sections. I just don't think that many people care. Of course, I can be self-conscious if a lot of ladies are around when I am browsing but I just keep saying to myself, "Yeah, that's right. I am here looking for something for me!" 

[Roach]

@DonkeySocks Wristwatches are an AMAZING idea, thank you!

 

@EasyE I made this post not specifying masculine or feminine because I'm interested in both. Thanks for all the detail you went into, it helped a lot! I will definitely be looking out for some more subtle running shirts.

[Lorelei]

I wear very feminine Vera Wang (I like designer products) eyeglasses as well as big feminine sunglasses. I have not worn mens glasses since 2010. July is new glasses times, and I am looking forward to picking new ones. I also wear feminine sandals at home and wear hot pink crocs when I go to the pool. Work is tough, as I work in a sewer plant and men and women wear the same uniform, steel toe boots, blue khakis and uniform tee shirts. So for that only my glasses work. When I come out to my wife (I am 99%+ sure she already knows), I will start wearing a bra and panties under that.  

[EasyE]

It is still crazy to me how clothing choice can be so divisive for some people. I bought an olive green mini skirt off a clearance rack at Kohls a few months (fantastic price, great fit on me). Going through my guy things, I found an old pair of olive green shorts. Nearly the exact same color. The skirt is actually longer. If I wear the shorts, no one thinks a thing about it. If I wear the skirt (WHICH IS A LOT MORE COMFORTABLE, PEOPLE), I am deviant, sexually immoral, a fright to the children, dishonoring God, disrespecting my marriage. I just don't get that (sorry to scream there above).

 

Of course I don't understand in myself why I prefer to buy women's clothes as opposed to men's unless there isn't a little something off-kilter there inside of me. Today I was at Kohls again and circling through the men's section I saw tons of pink shorts, tees and button downs. My wife had a fit that I wore pink shorts (which weren't that pink actually, more peachy) to her house a few weeks ago (we are currently separated but had been working on reconciliation till I divulged this part of me). These shorts in the men's section I saw today were a lot more feminine than the ones I had on. But I am a bad person because I preferred stuff from the other side of the aisle...

 

I just don't get it... And sadly I may lose my family because of it ... Deep sigh... 🤕

[Vidanjali]

14 hours ago, EasyE said:

It is still crazy to me how clothing choice can be so divisive for some people. 

 

I think about how for the vast majority of human history, men wore items such as sarongs, togas, skirts, bloomers, tights, frills, high heels, etc. It's really only a relative blip in the vast scheme of things has "masculine" attire become less, say, fanciful. Although I see that changing in the younger generation where more and more fashion = what makes you feel good when you wear it. It'll take some time for the paradigm to significantly shift, though. 

 

14 hours ago, EasyE said:

I just don't get it... And sadly I may lose my family because of it ... Deep sigh... 🤕

 

I feel for you, dear. 

[Ivy]

16 hours ago, EasyE said:

If I wear the shorts, no one thinks a thing about it. If I wear the skirt (WHICH IS A LOT MORE COMFORTABLE, PEOPLE), I am deviant, sexually immoral, a fright to the children, dishonoring God…

I'm with you on the comfort thing.  I can't remember the last time I had some pants on.  It was probably a couple of years ago when I was forced to address a plumbing issue.  I have some capris, but I never wear them.  I had to wear pants for most of my life.  I don't care much for them these days.

 

These days I dress modestly (I'm in my 70's) but there's not much question about the gender of the clothes.  But TBH, it took me awhile to get to this point.