Hi from Theresa, from NYC suburbs

[Lorelei]

I have had nagging thoughts that I was born the wrong gender since high school when it came to dating. It always felt wrong and weird to ask out a girl out, even though I am exclusively attracted to women. I had wished a girl would ask me out to the prom (never went to prom). I just knew I was supposed to be a woman. But with an afternoon job along with six years of engineering school, those thoughts got buried away. The thoughts hit me when I was like 23 when I graduated college. I hid it pretty well, getting a couple of dates, but they never went well. I got depressed and had attempted to suppress the desire to transition through the meds my psychiatrist prescribed with mixed success. There was suicidal ideation and interrupted attempts.

 

In 2012, I had a massive stroke, and the thoughts of dying as a man horrified me. That also outed me somewhat when the er nurse undressed me and found the painted toenails. My mom saw them too, but didn’t say anything, she painted them for me once after I got out of the hospital. That was when I grew my hair out and started to wearing woman’s clothing. A year later, I had a mini stroke and had to go back to the hospital. That is when one of the girls I wanted to ask out in high school saw me and approached me and gave me her email and basically asked me out. It took months for that to happen, but when it happened it went very quickly and we got married 6 months to the day from our first date. I told her the desires of becoming a woman when we were still dating, and that she was bisexual and would love me either way. A few years I grew my hair out (I love my hair), and told her that I wanted to be a woman.

 

Things got way out of hand when I had to come out to my coworkers and family. I got so stressed and depressed that I went to kill myself two times. The only reason I am alive is that it was cold day and the diesel in my truck froze, stopping me from going to where I was going to do it. The other attempt was stopped by a phone call saying my wife was in a car crash (she is fine). A higher power obviously wants me alive, thankfully. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital and went full manic in there. That was when I started a lie that my gender dysphoria was due to the bipolar disorder. The psych meds did alleviate the dysphoria for a while. My wife does not believe that and told me that I am going to ultimately become a woman. And that she would be there with me for the whole way and afterwards. Now the dysphoria started to hit again. She saw it yesterday, and I denied it. But I don’t think that lie is gonna last. So where do I go from here? I want to live for a long time and be happy without the dysphoria. 

[Rianon]

Hi, Teresa

 

I'm going to answer your post, not because I have any expertise in in the particular difficulties you have faced and are facing, but because I noticed you had posted less than a half hour ago and I wanted you to know #1 that you'd been heard, and #2 that you've come to a good place. With that, I'll bring this note to its end; I know, from having been around TransPulse for a while, that you'll very soon receive lots of great messages and from members who life experiences more closely resemble yours.

 

Stay strong! And again, WELCOME!

Cheers!

Rianon

[April Marie]

Hi, Teresa!! Welcome to the forums. You'll find so many of us here with similarities in our stories...and many differences, as well. Just know that you are not alone in your thoughts, your desires, and your fears. Please feel free to ask questions, to check out the various threads and comment as you see fit...or not.

 

Of most importance, know you are valued and loved - and if you ever feel the urge to hurt yourself you can reach out to our or call your local suicide hotline. As bad as it sometimes seems - and I have been at the low point myself - it's never the answer. We are here to listen and offer a hug, a shoulder to cry on or a laugh.

 

I repressed my dysphoria for many years dipping into a deep depression. What finally has worked for me was finding and working with a gender therapist. She's helped me to accept my reality, to plan my way ahead, how to talk to family and generally just to love who I am. Going through this is never easy and it is very hard sometimes to see your way out of the fear and questioning.

 

Again, welcome. You have found a very welcoming community.

[Ivy]

Welcome Teresa

As April has said, this is a safe place to talk about these things.

I'm glad to hear that you have a supportive wife.  That is a blessing for sure.

[Rianon]

Hi again, Teresa

 

I hadn't noticed earlier (how could I not? 🙄) that you'd signed yourself "from the NYC suburbs." You, too! Me, too! Me, the Bronx, Pelham Bay to be precise, although I've been living in Colorado for half of my adult life. Of course, I ache for NYC; I think all of us do, who today live "elsewhere."

 

Rianon

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Theresa,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Ashley0616]

I would go for it! Deep down you know that you want to. I thought mine would go away if I treated my depression side but of course it didn't get any better. I openly admitted it. I have been admitted a couple times. Don't live your life for anyone else but yourself. I wished I came out earlier. Just pray about it and go from there. I did and He answered. I'm going through an annulment but I did find someone to accept me for me. I feel like I'm on cloud nine. I talked to their grandmother and she called me daughter! They warmed up better than my family did but love is UNCONDITIONAL! 

[Lorelei]

On 5/28/2023 at 3:02 PM, Rianon said:

Hi, Teresa

 

I'm going to answer your post, not because I have any expertise in in the particular difficulties you have faced and are facing, but because I noticed you had posted less than a half hour ago and I wanted you to know #1 that you'd been heard, and #2 that you've come to a good place. With that, I'll bring this note to its end; I know, from having been around TransPulse for a while, that you'll very soon receive lots of great messages and from members who life experiences more closely resemble yours.

 

Stay strong! And again, WELCOME!

Cheers!

Rianon

Thank you for the reply. Hearing from people who have went through what I am going through is heartwarming. 

[Lorelei]

16 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

I would go for it! Deep down you know that you want to. I thought mine would go away if I treated my depression side but of course it didn't get any better. I openly admitted it. I have been admitted a couple times. Don't live your life for anyone else but yourself. I wished I came out earlier. Just pray about it and go from there. I did and He answered. I'm going through an annulment but I did find someone to accept me for me. I feel like I'm on cloud nine. I talked to their grandmother and she called me daughter! They warmed up better than my family did but love is UNCONDITIONAL! 

You are right about that. I wish I came out when I was 21 and realized that you aren’t trapped in your biological sex. Like I had said, 6 years of engineering school robbed me the opportunity to research it further. Now I am 41. Also, I had went through catholic school, so I hadn’t realized that things that are cis heterosexual is not the only thing out there. 

[Ashley0616]

On 5/30/2023 at 9:19 AM, Theresa said:

You are right about that. I wish I came out when I was 21 and realized that you aren’t trapped in your biological sex. Like I had said, 6 years of engineering school robbed me the opportunity to research it further. Now I am 41. Also, I had went through catholic school, so I hadn’t realized that things that are cis heterosexual is not the only thing out there. 

I wish you the best luck and looking forward to seeing more of your posts! Hugs!

[gennee]

Hi Theresa and welcome.

🙂