Life has gotten in the way of my transition, and it's been affecting me more than I thought.

[MayeAngelo]

I came out about two to three years ago when I was in an emotionally abusive situation. Finding out I was trans and realizing that transitioning was possible gave me so much more clarity and will power. The idea of becoming my true self and that actually being possible was a wake-up call and I started to actually care about my general health and appearance. 

 

When I came out to my mom, she was super supportive and didn't hesitate to set up an appointment with a therapist that can provide hrt. This was during the pandemic, and you can probably already guess that things didn't go as planned. I had to make multiple appointments and then I had to wait close to a year to be seen a third time where we could begin to actually discuss hrt and such. 

 

Due to the situation, I was in, I didn't exactly have a clear head, and I forgot to get a blood test before the third appointment. We couldn't continue because of this mistake, and it would take another long while before I could see the therapist again. I was deflated. I lost all of my motivation and I stopped going to the gym. I gained all of my weight back due to binge eating snacks and I just lost myself.

 

Now I'm in a better situation, but now I'm with my grandma and she isn't so supportive. My grandma was the one who raised me, and she thinks that my abusive situation is what caused me to prefer to "be more feminine" because the person that caused the abuse was a man that had the traits of a stereotypical "hyper-masculine" caricature.

 

Basically, she says that she's known me my whole life and it doesn't make sense to her why I'd feel this way, and despite multiple conversations, she doesn't seem to want to budge. 

For months this also deflated me, and I stopped transitioning.  Before those conversations, I ended up buying a tub full of makeup and skin care products, and also a wig off amazon (please help idk if this stuff is quality or not). And it's all been sitting in a drawer collecting dust for months now. 

 

I know that this is a huge post, but I typed all of that to say that despite everything that I described, not transitioning, even if it's something as small as not shaving my arms, has been absolute hell. I HATE HATE HATE my male characteristics, and I underestimated the power of gender dysphoria. 

 

I've felt the worst depression that I've ever felt in my entire life because the vision of my true self was taken away from me for just three months. I mean it was horrible before, constantly comparing myself to girls around me throughout childhood, but this is next level. 

 

I'm just curious if anyone has felt the same way or if my grandma is right in that I'm just equating other underlying issues to gender dysphoria?

[VickySGV]

The good news is that if you read posts from almost all of the others you will find that while your story is YOURS, that the others have hit many of the same roadblocks and damage points.  Our goal here is to let you see that you are not alone in your journey and can have meaningful discussions with the others here.  Welcome to The Forums where you are truly welcome.

[MayeAngelo]

Thanks Vicky. It just feels as though more than ever that the world is trying to tell me that I'm crazy and that my feelings aren't real. I just felt that I just had to share my transition experience with somewhere that someone would actually somewhat understand.

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, MayeAngelo said:

I just felt that I just had to share my transition experience with somewhere that someone would actually somewhat understand.

 

That is what we speak here.  Life is not easy because our experiences are NOT something taught to us as young people and we are upsetting to the dreams and goals of our families and communities because they do not want to believe us.  Some day maybe that will change, but we must live life today and from that point on, just a day at a time. . 

[MayeAngelo]

I'm glad to be here, but I'm quite shy and it might take me a while to get used to talking to other people about these things in a space where I'm not the "odd one out" so to speak. I'm just so happy.

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing that feeling.  As you describe it felt odd to write of feelings that i had hidden most of my life.  The process has helped me accept and grow comfortable in my own skin.  Just knowing others feel the same way helps in that process.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize