Emancipation update

[NoEli6]

It's only been some days, but I feel quite helpless. I've been considering other options for escaping my parents' custody and trying to weigh out whether any others would be easier/more beneficial. A roadblock I've run into is the requirement to be living away from my parents with their consent ahead of time. Now, previously, I'd thought perhaps I could find another family member to live with for cheap or free that they'd be okay with. But I guess I underestimated how unwilling they could actually be. Truthfully, I think I went into the initial conversation with them far too hopefully. I was under the impression that they would be emotionally distraught and struggle very much with hearing the news, but that they would come out in the end to say that they would still support me in some way or another after I'd emancipated. Now, I didn't assume they'd consent, of course, I'm constantly reminded of how incapable and unfit they believe I am to take care of myself or make mature decisions. But I expected that those feelings towards me would lead them to want to provide as much support as possible once I was legally out of their custody, as they'd said they'd do past my 18th, rather than this... punishment? Not being financially assisted isn't necessarily a punishment, it's the norm for many, but the way they spoke of it and knowing how they've felt before sure as hell made it feel like such. Especially with their insistence on not allowing my use of the car that they'd 'given' me, which was honestly a total surprise to me. So, I'd likely start walking and using public transport- I've had myself questioning what possessions of mine they will allow me to keep. A car is understandable, what with having to transfer ownership, but I wonder if they'd not let me have my bike, either. They said I can visit any time I wish, which I greatly appreciate, and could use their laundry units. Neither of them believe I'd be able to get a judge to rule in my favor- at first, I'd assumed they'd meant for financial reasons or maturity reasons, but when my mother specified that she would not let me live outside of her house, it got me wondering if that was what she meant. I'm awfully tired of having to convince them of things, especially because I often fail, even when I feel as though I've made progress. So, I'm truly hoping this won't become another case of me being incapable of escaping this situation and having to hope to god they may help me. Hell knows it hasn't worked before.

 

I intend to call LACY to get professional advice, of course, but if anyone has any tips, ideas, alternatives, etc., please let me know.

If I'm being honest, I think it could be possible, if necessary, to argue medical neglect. Top surgery, of course, is the biggest need of mine currently, but the utter lack of care from my parents for my mental health in certain situations could be reasonable proof that being under the legal custody of another would be in my best interests. I won't go into specifics, but their refusal to help or refusal to listen has harmed me many times before.

 

In terms of adults in my life, I have a grandma, a pair of grandparents, an uncle (who just so happens to have an RV, if that could be useful), a 19-year-old brother, and friends who are legally adults, but practically still kind of teenagers. I intend to talk with my brother about this and ask him what kind of support he would be able/willing to provide. What kind of questions/conversations should I be having with those in my support system? I've only thought that I might want to ask if they're aware of possible housing for me. Legal guardianship would seem to be the only other possibility than emancipation, but I really don't know who it would go to, considering I have no clue who would be on my side of the issue or not.

 

I've honestly considered giving up, though I don't know what I'd really do in that situation. So many times before, I've wanted to just stop being functional as a cry for help, because that was the only time my mother ever considered me to be truly struggling. I've tried so ~~censored word~~ hard to get better with everything else, and she'd said top surgery would be possible, but ultimately, my father's stubbornness seems to have changed her mind. So, after all that, after feeling like I was getting somewhere, it doesn't even matter. I've thought about going back to drugs. Drinking my problems away until I'm 18. I've obviously considered leaving this Earth, but the entire reason I'm doing this instead of sitting in my misery for two years is because I want to give myself a chance. I can't help but feel dragging my feet to 18 would lead me to give up as soon as I'm able and end it. I envy all the kids who are excited to be 18 for reasons other than finding enough comfort in their body to just stay alive. The hopeless part of me wants to give up, wishes I gave up years ago- but I feel like I'd be robbing so many others of hope if I did so. I don't want to be showing others that I think giving up is the answer, because I don't want them to see it as such. I hope I can find a way forward. Wish me luck.

[DonkeySocks]

I'm sorry to hear you feel hopeless, I know how that feels.

 

You've asked for advice and given some details of your situation, so here goes:

Conversations with your parents: Stick to your pronouns and politely ask for gender therapy. Repeatedly. Train them faithfully on your pronouns, if they aren't already good at them. Around your parents, drop the subject of top surgery for now. Stick up for yourself calmly in terms of gendering and needing therapy. You could also graciously accept any other talk therapy they offer.

 

Begin from the ground up getting organized. Your profile says you have pet rats. You don't want to move without them anyway. But declutter your life--your schedule, your stuff, everything. It feels good to get organized, it's therapy you can do for yourself. Figure out what's important to you. Top surgery is not actually step one. I know it feels like it is, but create a game plan in which top surgery is more like step fifteen in your personal development.

 

Get a job or jobs, if you don't have one. Get a bank account and do up a budget. This time spent living with your parents is a great opportunity to learn the skills that come with working a job, besides the job-specific ones, and to feel out the kinds of things you can do. I didn't enjoy retail, but I learned a lot of social skills working retail for a while. Count on taking two months to know whether you enjoy a specific job.

 

Ask your brother for emotional support, not financial support or housing. Ask him how he became independent, what advice he has for you, etc. Support him emotionally, too. Learn to be a good listener.

 

Remember to thank your parents when they provide you with basic needs. You don't need to make a big deal of it, but consciously choose to thank them. Be grateful privately, too; remember what you have going for you. It can be really tough because of the dysphoria, but you have enough of a support system that you have a car, a bike, Internet access, pets--you can think of these things and it really will make you healthier, that's not just pseudoscience. Knowing what makes you grateful will help you build your ideal life.

 

Say affirmations. I mean this. Tailor them to your life.

 

Respect yourself. Don't expect others to do it for you. Show them courtesy and show yourself respect. Give yourself the comforting words you would give to a friend when it comes to the top dysphoria.

 

And coming to the top dysphoria: this will sound counterintuitive, but I believe that you said it's the rubbing on your skin of any kind of clothing that really bothers you--so I would suggest actually padding your sports bra with something like the soft sweater fleece they sell at the fabric store. I have sensory issues and that stuff is great for preventing a dragging or rubbing sensation from driving me crazy. I know it sounds backward but try a bit of fleece padding and see if it works for you.

 

Speaking as a former teenager: When we really need our parents to support us while we are in the process of learning and earning our independence, we tend to put ALL of the responsibilities for ALL of our emotions and needs onto the parents. Take as much responsibility for yourself as you can, in all areas. When you hand all of your needs over to your parents, then they have the power to crush your dreams, even if they don't mean to. And you have a lot of power to hurt them and you can all cause angst and stress that none of you actually need to go through to be in a better place. Create a feedback loop of courtesy and civility. It sounds like you want a healthy relationship with them going forward, no matter where you live. So begin to build emotional independence, which I can say from long experience is just as important as physical independence. I know again that this can be really counterintuitive because you feel that top surgery or lack thereof controls your emotions--but it doesn't. It can make mindfulness of your emotions that much more important, but it does not actually control you. You can do this.