I feel like a delusional girl? Do I transition?

[henryry]

 

A year ago I suddenly just felt like I was a delusional girl rather than a transguy. I don’t know what happened really. Since then, I’ve just been psychoanalyzing my gender dysphoria and trying to make myself a normal cisgender girl. But my dysphoria is still really bad. I’ve identified as trans since I found out about it when I was about 11 or 12, but I was closeted (besides online and w/ friends) the entire time due to unsupportive parents and anxiety. Now I’m 18. I want to just embrace my female self but I don’t know how. 
 

I think I might just transition despite my brain telling me I’m delusional. One factor that complicates that is the whole coming out to my family thing... It's also just scary in general. And I’m not even gonna think about how to pay for it all right now. That’s not what I wanna talk about though. But I don't know, I'm not sure if I can handle the cognitive dissonance..

I feel so lost right now because my entire perception of myself and the world has been thrown off since not seeing myself as an actual guy. I fully believed with my heart and soul that I was supposed to be male since I was like 11 years old. I can’t just be a normal girl after that. Yet it still feels weird to identify as a guy now, even though I still feel like I am. Identifying as a transguy gave me future plans and motivation to keep going, I always had transition to look forward to. My mindset was basically “I could wreck my entire girl life right now because when I transition I’ll be my true self and get a second chance. How can I live life when I can’t even be me yet?” (I don’t recommend this mindset, there is more to life than gender. Try not to mess everything up for yourself). I felt like I knew myself so well, my true self. I had it all figured out. I used to obsess over specific gender labels to shove myself into categories to feel like a person. It’s useless to stress over dumb labels but it was comforting for some reason, even though it’s not good to do. All of this together gave me a sense of control, even though I can't control everything in my life, there is always my body and social role. I lost all of that. This sounds super dramatic but I feel like a part of me died lol. Unfortunately I don’t know how to return to how I was before.  

 

Do I … transition? Try to remedy my gender dysphoria in other ways? I don’t even know any other ways. A quick Google search says transition immediately, never come into contact with your own body even though you live in it 24/7, or you're destined to be miserable forever. Basically. Does anybody have tips to lessen dysphoria in ways that aren’t just “bind and wear oversized clothes” and “transition”? Even if I do transition, it’s not going to be possible for quite some time (I am currently still living with my parents, and I don't have a job yet. Planning on getting one soon). I don’t want to just keep having to avoid my body and avoid thinking about my bio sex. That’s depressing?

I’m getting a therapist soon for the first time ever, that should be helpful. Hopefully. I’ll cut my hair short again (got sick of needing constant haircuts), it’s driving me insane. I should probably stop constantly thinking about all of this, and I should probably improve my lifestyles in general. Focus on being productive and whatnot..

 

I wanted to share this somewhere because I don’t really have anybody I can talk to about this to without sounding crazy lol. Enjoy I guess? Thanks for reading.

[VickySGV]

Gender issues are not a DIY thing at all.  You will get huge benefits from seeing a Therapist.  You can really do a bad number on yourself by over analyzing your own feelings which are colored by many many things you need to get out of your pathway.  Trust your therapist and go with their observations and work on them, it will help you greatly.

[Charlize]

Welcome Henry,

I remember following the advice that Vicky posted.  Therapy helped me immensely to find a path ,that though rough at times, has lead me to acceptance of myself as i am.  

Sharing here and reading about others helped as well.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[henryry]

True, thank you. I hope therapy helps as well. I guess I'll have to wait and see lol

[RBag]

Hi Henryry,

 

Welcome - im new here and certainly not in a position to give advice, im still livin in the closet at 40. (To be fair i only began self acceptance about 3 years ago, though have "known" my whole life).

 

Its tricky especially in your situation, you're young and are so dependent on your parents still. Teenage hormones and influences are still so relevant for you also.

 

Id definitely as the others have mentioned get into therapy so they can start to help guide you, but also start to really work on some self discovery.

 

Try some new things, work on some new skills, think about a career or doing further education in some field that might interest you. Take up a new hobby or follow an interest and see where it takes you.

 

The more you can learn about yourself, the things you like and dont like, will help you figure out who you are. It will take away the opportunity for you to overanalyse your gender and gender issues and will give your mind a break. The activities and things you immerse yourself in will also help you meet all kinds of different people with different experiences, the social connections that you build from a variety of sources will also help you start to feel at ease with yourself.

 

As much as i have lived so much of my life in denial, i have not regretted it. Ive learned a lot. Ive chased happiness in so many areas of my life, from work to friendships, experiences, travel, family.  I've always tried to just be me - though ive never come out, i've always played boys sports, worn mostly mens clothes, had short or manageable hair, never worn makeup or dresses, learned how to do all the things that interested me like mechanical. I mostly "like" who I am, just not the body ive been given to live in. I do my best to be myself, and people either like me, or they dont.

 

Just think about yourself, not your gender, you. Do things you like. Find you and learn to like who you are. Then once you're more comfortable with who you are, make some decisions about whats next in relation to your gender.

 

Big love x

[Alexharrier]

(just joined today haha sorry this is ten days later)

listen I'm fairly early in IDing as trans so my opinion on that can be ignored if you like, but what I will say is that fear can be a hell of a drug. The first time I came out to my parents and family (for being afab who likes women) it was so confrontational that the result was I experienced waves of dissociation for years. Coming out to them was a 12 hour screaming match I was unable to leave in which it came down to them telling me that I was delusional and choosing to be gay, and me realizing that there was literally nothing I could say or do to convince them otherwise, that to two of the most important people in my life I was always going to be a person who "chose to destroy their family" rather than someone who just innately is attracted to a subset of people. I'm fine now, that's something I've spent a lot of time healing from (yay therapy) but despite knowing that was just something we disagreed on, I had months where I questioned whether I was actually just a delusional idiot who didn't know what the hell I was talking about. And yeah, that kind of deep seated cognitive dissonance can really mess with your sense of self, your perception of reality (cut to me having dissociative episodes like the kind people describe as out of body experiences in every day life, not a fun time), your ability to feel any kind of confidence or trust in your own intuition.

I'm not sure if that's anywhere close to what you're going through, but let me posit that the world we are currently living in, whether your family or background is religious or not, whether your hometown is overly political or not, trans issues are a hot topic. I grew up in a world where I didn't even hear the word transgender until I was in college, that is not the world we live in today. Of course if you feel you might be transgender in this climate, you will feel external pushback whether you want it or not. That kind of stress can really alter how you perceive yourself, reality, and make you question how much to trust your intuition.

That's okay. That makes you a normal person who feels stress. It may not be something (speaking from experience) you can entirely control, but that ride got a lot easier when I stopped punishing myself for having consequences from being stressed.

I like what RBag had to say about focusing on your personal interests without stressing about the gender of it all, in my worst moments having something that I loved to do, that I loved about myself, kept me going and provided outlets of self expression, even when my sense of self was pretty fractured. I'm an artist so I make art, but this can be getting into guitar, practicing skateboarding, joining a sports team, indulging in car shows, whatever it is that you like that keeps you going. You're going to need that throughout your life, no matter what gender you settle on, because people are complex. Also because, as sometimes it helps me to think of myself this way, people are also just little animals who need enrichment and connections and space to just Be for a while. When the mental fog clears and things feel less like you're insane, the answer to some of these things will also feel easier too.

[Kristen Sehr]

On 6/14/2023 at 2:09 PM, henryry said:

Do I … transition? Try to remedy my gender dysphoria in other ways? I don’t even know any other ways. A quick Google search says transition immediately, never come into contact with your own body even though you live in it 24/7, or you're destined to be miserable forever. Basically. Does anybody have tips to lessen dysphoria in ways that aren’t just “bind and wear oversized clothes” and “transition”?

 

Whether to transition or not is best determined, I believe, with the help of a good gender therapist. Because sometimes a full transition is indicated & necessary, while other times it isn't. This is due to the gender spectrum we all find ourselves on, and the different places on that spectrum that indicate different approaches to the issue.

 

Somebody that says we must all transition immediately or "be miserable forever" I think is missing the point. That a one-size-fits-all approach doesn't work. It simply doesn't.

 

In any event, as a transguy you do have some very solid advantages over those of us that are male to female (MtF) like I am. Because society at large is far more accepting of tomboys and of girls crossing over into more masculine territory, than the other way around - with males and femininity.

 

So if you are looking to lessen your gender dysphoria, you could very likely engage in some male orientated pursuits without raising too many eyebrows, and without having to come out (if you have not done so yet). Because being a tomboy (even if, deep inside, you are far more than that) is generally accepted as okay. This can be used to your advantage.

 

So why not try some male orientated things, activities out in the real world that appeal to you? This goes beyond just binding and wearing oversized clothes. Because you can do most anything in real life that a male would, even while being female (and before transitioning if that becomes necessary). So the sky is the limit here. Use your imagination. And good luck to you!