Opens Door, Peeks Inside

[Kristen Sehr]

Hi everyone,

 

My name is Kristen and this is my introduction. 

 

I am a transgender person, a male-to-female transsexual. I have known I was different, that my gender did not match my birth sex, from a very early age. Unfortunately, it was not much longer than that before I learned (by necessity) to keep such things about myself completely secret. I did not grow up in a very forgiving part of the US nor did the times lend themselves to being open and "out." For a long time I was not even "out" to myself, information about trans issues pre-intrernet was hard to come by, and I was treated by medical professionals like a leper the first few times I tried any therapy.

 

Eventually I ended up in counseling (with someone that really understood) to try and make sense of it all, followed by further progressive & appropriate gender steps: hormones, transition, even surgery. Over time I fully transitioned, including in my living situation & employment. I had new trans & gay friends, too (plus some new straight ones). This went on for about 5 years, and would have continued except for a tragedy so awful that I don't even want to recount details of it here. It hurts too bad. The result of so much hurt though, and it striking so very deeply, was for me to de-transition. Because it was beyond my ability to cope.

 

De-transitioning was not taken lightly and having to slam the door shut on who I was as a person was one of the worst things I have ever done. I made it far worse by choosing a dangerous occupation that would be impossible to transition in, an occupation that would completely absorb me. Worked like a charm. Except it solved nothing. Sure I removed myself from a horribly  abusive situation, but in de-transitioning my development as a person also stopped - along with the rest of my transition. An easy thing to overlook when one is so very distracted by everything else. I still never regretted getting surgery though, because I always hated having those wrong body parts whether I was fully transitioned or not. 

 

Now that I have the perspective of some more lifetime to look back on, and recognizing the mistake I made in de-transitioning under such duress, I am here because I am transitioning once again. Running from my old situation was one thing, but I kept right on going, running even from myself and not only the situation. I've known for a long time now that the de-transition choice I'd made earlier was wrong, but understandable. And it is not to late to undo.

 

Frankly, and even though I've been through it all before, transitioning and being out again is scary. Because I am doing this all on my own (with the exception of infrequently seeing my hormone doctor). And it saddens me that there are strangers here in my town that treat me better and with more respect than do members of my own immediate family. Just the way it happens, I suppose.

 

Thank you for having me here.

 

Hugs,

Kristen

   

[April Marie]

Welcome, Kristen!!!

 

What a story you have to tell. And what tremendous strength. I am so early in discovering myself and what my journey will entail that your introduction just fills me with awe. I look forward to hearing more about your re-start - of course, as much as you are willing to share. With age, sometimes comes wisdom - you also have such inner strength. 

 

Despite my late start, I'm taking it slowly and letting my inner person reveal herself, find her voice and her style...and, despite that occasional resurgence of dysphoria and depression - generally when I'm presenting in my male persona or, as I now call it, "April in drag" - I am loving the experience.

 

 

 

[Charlize]

Welcome Kristen.  I thought i'd heard someone knock.

Due to the times and circumstances i only played around the edges most of my life.  When i actually started veto get out into the world it involved so much hiding, fear and alcohol that i dropped it again.  On a trip away from home on business i went to a women's AA meeting and the topic was honesty.  The doors were open to me.  As you mentioned i was accepted in my small town more than at home.  Time helped with that.  This site has been wonderful as well, if only because i know i'm not alone like i had always felt.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ivy]

Welcome Kristen

Or maybe welcome back.

10 hours ago, Kristen Sehr said:

And it is not to late to undo.

Not at all.

[Kristen Sehr]

13 hours ago, April Marie said:

Welcome, Kristen!!!

 

What a story you have to tell. And what tremendous strength. I am so early in discovering myself and what my journey will entail that your introduction just fills me with awe. I look forward to hearing more about your re-start - of course, as much as you are willing to share. With age, sometimes comes wisdom - you also have such inner strength. 

 

Despite my late start, I'm taking it slowly and letting my inner person reveal herself, find her voice and her style...and, despite that occasional resurgence of dysphoria and depression - generally when I'm presenting in my male persona or, as I now call it, "April in drag" - I am loving the experience.

 

 

 

 

Thank you very much everyone. I deeply appreciate the warm welcome!

 

April Marie:

 

Hi! I certainly do not see myself as being all that strong. Just seeking to live a happy and peaceful life. I did get a much earlier start when I first transitioned, and I was very well positioned then with a great therapist and an excellent physician (my doc was also MtF trans), a generally loving circle of caring, supportive female friends (they even set me up with a guy!) and a great, steady job that I really enjoyed because I like to help people and to learn. Notice that I don't mention family or any of my pre-transition friends here, as they had all rejected me to varying degrees, as had my former employer when I tried to come out on the job there.

 

I think this is why it is so important (when able to safely and sanely), for folks like us to get out into the world. Had I remained alone and so isolated, none of the other doors that opened for me later ever would have. I never would have got to know anybody personally, and really just be myself around them. Something else my therapist used to do was to (with all the involved patient's permissions beforehand) was to connect his trans clients up with one another. To meet in real life and become friends if things went that way (they did). I met others on the same road I was on, which helped to make us all stronger as individuals. 

 

And getting & holding a job while transitioning is a fantastic confidence booster! I got that job because of female friends, and kept it because I am a hard worker. And while most members of the public treated me fine (many of them likely knowing I was trans), the few that were especially rude because of my identity I got used to dealing with under controlled conditions. Acting as a professional, because I was not representing myself there but representing the firm. That confidence helped immeasurably when I ran into similar sorts of "challenging" people on occasion outside of work. Anybody reading this should take heart because if I could do this then anybody can. If they want to or need to enough.

 

I had tried transitioning on my prior job (where they had only known me as a male), and was illegally discriminated against as a result. Was so disgusted with them and their hypocrisy that I resigned. But where one door closes, sometimes another opens. It did for me.

 

Marching in a huge Pride Parade as your femme self is yet another terrific experience and a real confidence booster that I'll also never forget. Everybody in the trans community should experience it at least once (if they are so inclined). Really felt great and after so many years of suffering, so many years of hiding - very liberating to be out and even celebrated.        

 

But because I de-transitioned later, I missed out on a lot of life that whole time. I cannot change the past but I can change the present and the future. So in a way I am all starting over again. And much later this time. And I can definitely sympathize with what you are going through, in getting a later start. I am now, too! It is never too late though.

[April Marie]

Kristen,

 

Thank you so very much for following up and sharing more of your story. I will stick with my statement that you do have great inner strength - and your decision to transition again just reinforces it. I think you also have shown what many of us have experienced - the benefit of finding a qualified therapist who can help sort through all of the emotions and transition "minefields" as we go through the journey.

 

Although it took me almost 70 decades to begin to figure out my identify, you are right that it is never too late. I've had a wonderful life filled with love and amazing experiences - even when trying to deal with the self-doubts, the guilt, the depression and dysphoria. I'm looking forward with excitement at the possibilities as I discover "me" for the first time.

 

Again, thank you for taking the time to share so much with us - with me. 

 

[Kristen Sehr]

Hi April Marie,

 

Sounds like you are definitely on the right path. Thanks so much for your kindness and understanding! Transitioning again is daunting for me, but to be our authentic selves (at this point that we find ourselves on the gender spectrum) there is simply no other way. At least to my way of thinking. 

 

As I get more comfortable with having an online persona again, I'll be sharing more elsewhere on the forum. Added my avatar pic today, its a B&W copy of my old driver license photo (from when I transitioned the first time). I should have smiled then! Although after waiting a long time in a packed DMV office, all I wanted to do was get the heck out of there. So on my to-do list is to get some more (new) photos taken. 

 

I'll share something else. I did not even initially plan on transitioning back ever again. I was resigned to just being really depressed most all of the time. It was one of my doctors that offered to put me back on HRT, when I saw him for a completely unrelated issue. Since I am post-op, no counseling was required beforehand and when he offered me this, it was like being struck by lightening. Just amazing, to have myself back and to gradually reclaim all that was lost.     

[MaybeRob]

@April Marie

 

"Although it took me almost 70 decades to". You look great for 700 years old.

 

MaybeRob-Kate

[MaybeRob]

And a big hi to you Kristen

[Kristen Sehr]

1 hour ago, MaybeRob said:

And a big hi to you Kristen

 

And a big hi back to you down under, MaybeRob! 

[Kristen Sehr]

1 minute ago, Kristen Sehr said:

 

And a big hi back to you down under, MaybeRob! 

Ack! I did not see the Kate in your name. My bad, I'm sorry. Learning that I can't edit posts once made...

[April Marie]

4 hours ago, Kristen Sehr said:

Just amazing, to have myself back and to gradually reclaim all that was lost.     

I just love this. Welcome back.

[April Marie]

3 hours ago, MaybeRob said:

@April Marie

 

"Although it took me almost 70 decades to". You look great for 700 years old.

 

MaybeRob-Kate

Aaaacccckkkk!! I guess I don't look too bad for my state of decomposition!!🤣

 

I think the fact that I was right at 700 posts found its way into my thoughts too soon.