I think I’m a trans guy but am scared

[Elliot.moonxie]

I have been dealing with distress regarding my gender and sex since childhood. Suffered in silence, both cause of undiagnosed autism at the time but also cause of my gender. I really thought I would grow up and be a man, but then reality came from the teachers. I told my parents at 14 I was a boy, they responded in a very hurtful way that was one of the things that led me to spiral deeper to a depression and self destructive behaviours. It was a big step for me to come out to them but their reaction hurt me, so I did my best up to now accepting my AGAB and “live as a women”. Tried to convince myself to be a women and be happy as such. But the distress is literally taking my life, I am in psychiatric hospital to be safe. A BIG reason for why I barely surviving right now is dysphoria and have been a long time.

 

I am pretty sure I am a guy, I have had so many years of thinking, processing and researching. But the things that’s makes me wanting to be someone i am not and not coming out are: fear of the reactions from people around me, fear of the unprictiublity of transitioning, fear of being an ugly man, fear of health issues, fear of regretting my decision to come out as a trans man in the future / many fears is because of the “gender critical” people, all the push backs against trans individuals, my family and just all transphobia. Does anyone have any advice? How did you “knew” you were trans? How to dealing with fears and pushbacks? I am just thankful for any answer. // Elliot

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Elliot.  I am so sorry to hear that you are currently in an in-patient setting for your mental health.  I sincerely hope that they can help you through this crisis and you can stabilize.

 

Once you are stable, please try to find a gender therapist; usually a psychologist with specialized training and experience.  They will know how to help you, how to understand your feelings and needs, and the steps to take next.  Out of all of the fears you mentioned, none of it should prevent you from achieving your goals.  Fear can keep you a prisoner of yourself and fulfillment of your dreams, far more than any physical doors or walls or chains.  But fear can only be overcome with help from supportive family, friends and therapists.

 

Please take advantage of the information we have on this site, ask questions and know that we will be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Ivy]

Welcome Elliot.

I don't really have anything more to add beyond what Carolyn Marie has said.

I do hope you can find peace about who you are.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I agree with the advice to find a therapist/psychologist who can help you through what you're feeling.  Sorry to hear that you're in kind of a crisis right now.  

 

I was born female, but came to the conclusion over a year ago (in my early 30's) that I probably should have had a male body.  That said, I don't really want the "male" roles of society.  You can explore that idea as you feel the need to.  Your life can be flexible, and your role in your family and community can be whatever you want/need it to be.  You can find what works for you, and having somebody in your life to explain some of the options will probably be helpful.

 

I understand how hurtful family can be.  I don't have any contact with my parents or my brothers.  I was rejected in my mid-20's for being in a relationship with a woman.  Rejection hurts, and only time and new ideas can ease the pain.  I hope you find what you are looking for. 

[Kristen Sehr]

On 6/25/2023 at 11:00 AM, Elliot.moonxie said:

Does anyone have any advice? How did you “knew” you were trans? How to dealing with fears and pushbacks? I am just thankful for any answer. // Elliot

 

Hi Elliott, and welcome.

 

In answer to your question about how I knew I was trans (I'm male to female). My earliest memories (of no more than 3 to 4 years old) are of my wearing dresses & pantyhose with my grandmother, and really enjoying it. While I no longer recall whether I asked to do that, or she just did it for me, it really does not matter because of how right it felt to me regardless of who's idea it was in the first place. And there was nothing sexual about it at all.

 

Of course, way back then and later on growing up, I had never heard of the term trans. And I knew none of what any of that even meant (there was no internet then). Normal for me as a boy was identifying with the girls, while at the same time and with growing heartache understanding that I was not one of them. And was prevented from doing the things they did, as I was supposedly destined for another role in life that I did not want and I grew terribly uncomfortable with, a male one in my case.

 

So I did not know I was trans for a long time. But I sure knew I was different, and sadly when I tried to innocently express my inner gender outwardly as a girl would in certain circumstances (like playing with dolls or playing house), I was very forcefully shut down by my parents. All that did was to teach me the necessity of keeping secrets, of hiding, and of going underground. Leading to isolation, confusion, suffering and bad decisions - like joining a very macho branch of the US military at age 17 (with my parent's consent), to "make a man" out of me. Which of course didn't work. Getting married and doing all of the other stereotypical macho "male" things didn't help, either. 

 

Eventually, when I went into therapy decades later, it was there that my being trans was confirmed (I should have done that far sooner). I had come to strongly suspect I was trans as I got older, because by then I was quietly investigating it all on my own, and comparing my experiences to others that were, indeed trans. And all the pieces fit. Until then it had been like trying to assemble a huge jigsaw puzzle and without any clear idea of how to proceed. And never getting it finished.

 

Regarding fears and push backs. There can be so many! For me, they are countered by a knowledge and deep understanding in myself that, in living openly as trans, that I am doing the right thing. That I am being authentic and honoring who I am as a person, despite those other people that sometimes don't. This road of self-discovery can certainly be difficult but finding the courage to step out onto it is so worth it. And from there, confidence in ones self can begin to develop - and that makes fears and push backs easier to deal with, too.

 

How can be be anything different, anything other than who we truly are inside?

 

Hope this helps! I'm in the USA but my family heritage comes from right next door to you, in Norway. 🌈

 

[Kristen Sehr]

3 minutes ago, Kristen Sehr said:

How can be be anything different, anything other than who we truly are inside?

 

Sorry for the typo. This sentence should read "How can we be anything different, anything other than who we truly are inside?"

[Ashley0616]

I suggest to take the time and do some soul searching. Only you can judge if you are trans or not. Once you get out definitely seek help from a gender therapist. There's a chance that you are. There have been studies done and there is a lot of trans that are also autistic. I'm sorry what you are going through and will hopefully gain support from family. My Dad won't talk to me and my Mom thinks I'm living in sin but she said that she still loves me. I can understand some on what you are going through. I was admitted twice to the psych ward for suicide attempts. I was really struggling with accepting it myself. I have felt this way since I was 7 and didn't come out till I was 38. Self acceptance is key and loving who you are is another big step. You aren't a mistake. You got to be strong. A lot of people don't understand how much strength it takes to get out of the dark places. This place I can definitely say has contributed to saving my life. Being on hormones has also been a great help and it'll only get better. I've only been on hormones for 33 days. You are loved and cared for. You have a purpose. 

[rachel w]

Hello Rachel here been reading some of the post, for me I came out after my wife passed away that was 2years and 2 months ago, it has been a lot of up and downs,and yes I have thought about ending my life but then I think if I do that then I wont be able to go out as Rachel, I am only out part time , when I am not I am at work always thinking about Rachel,I just wished we was all a little closer I would be more than willing to go out with you,  I have been able to go out with a friend a few times and it has been so awesome. just the other day I was at my therapist and I told her that I would like to get rid of my boy parts and become the woman I am inside.  it felt so good just saying it she said that she will back me up so awesome,  so dont give up it mite take time but do little things for yourself like when you have some alone time just get dressed up for me it feels really good ,  I hope this may help, and one more thought I am not always happy I do have my down days, everyone stay safe and be happy as much as possible,  take care

[Elliot.moonxie]

On 6/25/2023 at 10:00 PM, Carolyn Marie said:

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Elliot.  I am so sorry to hear that you are currently in an in-patient setting for your mental health.  I sincerely hope that they can help you through this crisis and you can stabilize.

 

Once you are stable, please try to find a gender therapist; usually a psychologist with specialized training and experience.  They will know how to help you, how to understand your feelings and needs, and the steps to take next.  Out of all of the fears you mentioned, none of it should prevent you from achieving your goals.  Fear can keep you a prisoner of yourself and fulfillment of your dreams, far more than any physical doors or walls or chains.  But fear can only be overcome with help from supportive family, friends and therapists.

 

Please take advantage of the information we have on this site, ask questions and know that we will be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Hi, thank you so much. I’m going to ask my psychologist to get in contact with someone specializing in gender. I’m almost most fearful of how my family responds to me. Due to how they reacted when I came out to them 4 years ago. I have thought about social transitioning, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I have been thinking so deeply about my gender for most of my life and trying to figure out if I am a guy or just confused. If I’m a woman who’s more masculine, but that doesn’t seem right. All the distress because of my gender can’t be normal, it makes my mental health worse. I have also thought if my autism “makes” the gender dysphoria like feelings. But I don’t know. 
 

thank you again.

[Elliot.moonxie]

On 6/27/2023 at 3:02 AM, rachel w said:

Hello Rachel here been reading some of the post, for me I came out after my wife passed away that was 2years and 2 months ago, it has been a lot of up and downs,and yes I have thought about ending my life but then I think if I do that then I wont be able to go out as Rachel, I am only out part time , when I am not I am at work always thinking about Rachel,I just wished we was all a little closer I would be more than willing to go out with you,  I have been able to go out with a friend a few times and it has been so awesome. just the other day I was at my therapist and I told her that I would like to get rid of my boy parts and become the woman I am inside.  it felt so good just saying it she said that she will back me up so awesome,  so dont give up it mite take time but do little things for yourself like when you have some alone time just get dressed up for me it feels really good ,  I hope this may help, and one more thought I am not always happy I do have my down days, everyone stay safe and be happy as much as possible,  take care

Thank you so much: it means a lot for all the wonderful responses. I am going to seek out a gender specialist. Also thinking about social transitioning, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea. 

[Elliot.moonxie]

On 6/27/2023 at 1:27 AM, Ashley0616 said:

I suggest to take the time and do some soul searching. Only you can judge if you are trans or not. Once you get out definitely seek help from a gender therapist. There's a chance that you are. There have been studies done and there is a lot of trans that are also autistic. I'm sorry what you are going through and will hopefully gain support from family. My Dad won't talk to me and my Mom thinks I'm living in sin but she said that she still loves me. I can understand some on what you are going through. I was admitted twice to the psych ward for suicide attempts. I was really struggling with accepting it myself. I have felt this way since I was 7 and didn't come out till I was 38. Self acceptance is key and loving who you are is another big step. You aren't a mistake. You got to be strong. A lot of people don't understand how much strength it takes to get out of the dark places. This place I can definitely say has contributed to saving my life. Being on hormones has also been a great help and it'll only get better. I've only been on hormones for 33 days. You are loved and cared for. You have a purpose. 

I have done soul searching for a while, when I ask myself if I’m a guy inside my own answer is yes. If I could decide what I want to do it is transitioning. But all the bad reactions, all the hate against transgender people makes me so sad and scared. I also have the thought: maybe soon it will be a “cure” for gender dysphoria without transitioning. Therefore I stop myself from coming out and social transitioning. Because I don’t want to medically transition if a “cure” from the dysphoria comes soon enough. I want to transition because of the pain of the distress. But my family’s comments scares me out…

sorry for weird response, and thank you so much for answering. It means a lot and I appreciate it.

[Ashley0616]

16 hours ago, Elliot.moonxie said:

I have done soul searching for a while, when I ask myself if I’m a guy inside my own answer is yes. If I could decide what I want to do it is transitioning. But all the bad reactions, all the hate against transgender people makes me so sad and scared. I also have the thought: maybe soon it will be a “cure” for gender dysphoria without transitioning. Therefore I stop myself from coming out and social transitioning. Because I don’t want to medically transition if a “cure” from the dysphoria comes soon enough. I want to transition because of the pain of the distress. But my family’s comments scares me out…

sorry for weird response, and thank you so much for answering. It means a lot and I appreciate it.

You shouldn't live for other people. You have to put your happiness above everything because it's what you deserve. I've lost so many family members over my decision to transition and the only regret I have is not doing any sooner. It's a scary world out there but there is a lot more support than what there used to be. In the early 1900's transgendered people were getting arrested for just wearing the opposite sexes clothes. There are organizations and support groups with proven scientific research on gender dysphoria. 97 percent of the people who transitioned have been living successful lives. I'm not trying to  persuade to do one thing or the other. Your happiness is what matters and only you can make yourself that way. 

[Kristen Sehr]

19 hours ago, Elliot.moonxie said:

I have done soul searching for a while, when I ask myself if I’m a guy inside my own answer is yes. If I could decide what I want to do it is transitioning. But all the bad reactions, all the hate against transgender people makes me so sad and scared. I also have the thought: maybe soon it will be a “cure” for gender dysphoria without transitioning. Therefore I stop myself from coming out and social transitioning. Because I don’t want to medically transition if a “cure” from the dysphoria comes soon enough. I want to transition because of the pain of the distress. But my family’s comments scares me out…

sorry for weird response, and thank you so much for answering. It means a lot and I appreciate it.

 

There is no apology needed for the thoughts you shared. And your feeling the way you do not is not weird. Rather, it is understandable given a world that is not always accepting of who we are in being trans. 

 

I get being sad and scared by the negative behaviors shown by others towards us. This sort of thing can be balanced out by the positive and caring attitudes from other people that really do accept us. And you'll see that there is good out there, too (not just on line but in real life), if you can find it in yourself to try letting yourself be who you feel you are inside. 

 

We can honestly only be who we are as people, regardless of the approval or disapproval of others. And I regret to say, even if they are family. This is something worth remembering and it has certainly helped me to find inner strength and resolve. Not that it is as an easy thing to do and not that there are no risks. But the rewards, in my experience, have been so worth it. 

 

It would help you so much to simply accept who you are inside. To accept your male gender. Accepting yourself translates to not even needing a "cure" for gender dysphoria if there was one (and of course, there isn't). And if there was a cure? I would refuse it. This is the inner peace that self-acceptance can bring. I do not want to be any other way.

 

I believe the closest thing to a true cure is self-acceptance. And then, exploring how far you need to go in expressing your gender. There is no "one size fits all" approach to transition, some transition fully while others learn they are satisfied in going less far. It entirely depends on the person and their needs.

 

Stopping yourself from accepting and outwardly living your gender (to the extent you need to in order to be happy) in the hope of something to cure you of it, will hurt you. It will delay finding self-acceptance, delay or stop you from connecting with people in real life that can help and support you, and can lead to some really harmful things. It can make matters far worse than they are right now.

 

I am sorry that your family is not supportive. But they do not experience life in the way that you do, and it sounds like they lack empathy and understanding of your needs. Honor who you are inside anyway. Be true to yourself. You are worth that. You are only being yourself.

[Kristen Sehr]

Hi Elliot: I came across one of my old journals, and found some things from it to add here. Along with some other thoughts, and things from other sources, too. We are different people with different genders but there are clearly similarities between us, in being trans (I have no experience with autism though, so please keep that in mind).

 

So, here goes.

 

Please, don't be afraid of what you feel. For people like us, these feelings are normal. Don't kiss your dream goodbye. Instead, allow yourself to dream. He needs you. He needs you just as much as you need him. His thoughts are your thoughts, aren't they? Because he and you are one.

 

Ask yourself, do you see that in your eyes? Do you feel it in your heart? Because that is where the answers are, in daring to dream this dream. And then, in acting upon it in the ways that are the best and most healthy for you. So love your whole self, including the male inside. Not as a narcissist might, but enough to show him you really care. Because, don't you? Maybe you should ask him to make the decisions for you. What would that feel like?

 

He can make you so happy! So don't suppress who you are. You have a choice in who you become. Consider, what does he want? What does he need? Are you taking the time to listen to him? Are you going to try the things he likes? You don't have to be scared. Instead, believe in yourself. And be honest with yourself - you want what he wants. Right?

 

These are some things far better to focus on than those other people in your life that don't accept you. A nonexistent cure won't help, either. What will help is learning how to accept and to live with who you are.

 

Accept that he is you.

[Bri2020]

There is some great advice here.  It sounds like you are pretty sure about who you are (see a gender therapist to explore that though) but your biggest issue, in my opinion,with this is the most common for all of us: Fear.  Here are some thoughts about that.

Fear is paralyzing. It will keep you frozen in time and space. Fear keeps us from making changes.

Fear is most often overblown. I had every fear you had. I was worried about persecution, losing family, losing jobs, being ostracized. Everything.  What I found however, was the things I feared would happen, didn't. I still have my family, I have more friends than before, I'm not perceived as an ugly woman etc etc.  

Fear is what made me closet myself when I was a kid and it kept me from knowing the joy of being true and congruent for 40 plus years.  It's powerful. When people tell me now- "wow you are so brave"  I used to shrug it off. My decision to come out and actually transition was a move of desperation. It was a life or death decision because I let fear win and I got so depressed over time I almost lost everything in life, including my life.  Now I realize that the "being brave" thing isn't about how I live now, it was all about making that one decision to stop letting fear control me.  

To be clear, I am NOT saying you should transition. That is a very personal journey and should be your call. I am only saying that don't let the fear of the unknown stop you from taking steps that may lead to a better life. Whatever that looks like.

Take the time you need while being inpatient to get to a safe place mentally ( I know from experience that is hard in a hospital)  then find a good gender therapist and maybe an outside LGBTQ+ support group. I wish you the best. 

Hugs,

Bri

 

 

[Elliot.moonxie]

Thanks to every helpful and beautiful support and advice. All the shares of personal experiences it really made me tear up because of the gratefulness and the deep understanding that I’m not alone. That it is not wrong to feel like this. Struggle with this. Thank every kind human that have replied i appreciate it a lot.