How to deal with dysphoria

[Alessia]

I still have to wait 2 months to get to my first therapy session and then I would have to wait a little more to get hormones.

How do you deal with the waiting time, since the dysphoria gets stronger every day since I finally outed myself and accepted me.

 

I can not wear female clothes outside since I dont want to be seen in female clothes in my male body.

Ido a lot of cardio to get fit and I try to eat as healthy as I can. I wear my skirt and yogas in my home and I feel better then.

I also have already planned to go to voice coaching and already contacted her, but still it gets harder everyday.

Do you have any tipps for me?

[Ashley0616]

It isn't easy. This site has helped me while waiting for everything. Just got to take it day by day. I couldn't wait on hormones so I started dressing out in public and that helped too. Hobbies are a good way to try to distract yourself. Hopefully there will be a cancelation and you will be able to get seen earlier. You never know. I got lucky and didn't have to wait that long. I think the VA is also trying to remove my 100 percent permanent and total disability from me though. Which makes sense cause then they wouldn't have to pay as much but nothing is going to reduce my PTSD. It's lifelong and won't get any better. Somethings you just got to live with. 

[Alessia]

4 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

It isn't easy. This site has helped me while waiting for everything. Just got to take it day by day. I couldn't wait on hormones so I started dressing out in public and that helped too. Hobbies are a good way to try to distract yourself. Hopefully there will be a cancelation and you will be able to get seen earlier. You never know. I got lucky and didn't have to wait that long. I think the VA is also trying to remove my 100 percent permanent and total disability from me though. Which makes sense cause then they wouldn't have to pay as much but nothing is going to reduce my PTSD. It's lifelong and won't get any better. Somethings you just got to live with. 

I will try to take it day by day, but going out with female clothes is not an option for me now, and I already got lucky to get an therapiest at all since most have waiting times for over 6 months or dont sign new patients at all.

I wish I could be brave enough to walk in female clothes outside, but considereing my body I know everyone would know I am not a woman and I guess I am not confident enough for that yet, and also I dont like to look in the mirror seeing my body it reminds me just that I look male. I have heard of so many mtf walking in female clothes pre transition, but I just dont see me doing it without getting more depressed with it. I will just try to cope a little more since I have done it already long enough but its really hard. I guess I am gonna do a little cardio now and feel better afterwards.

 

You are right about something you have to live with and I have to live with other things not ptsd so I can not even know how hard this would be..

 

Just now I have already no feelings again just being numb, but a friend was here today and this was great I can just be fully me in my female clothes and he just supports me and I feel absolutely safe and accepted with him. I think I need to see the good things every day and he is a good thing. I dont know if this is normal to feel numb for transpeople or is it something else with me, I will definitely tell my therapist about it.

 

Thanks Ashley

[MaybeRob]

@Alessia I'm waiting too! Hopefully I'll know a bit more on the 4th july after my GP appt. I'm using the "All Dressed Up and No Place to GO" technique to alleviate stress. Fully female dressed and makeup. No one else sees me but it makes me feel better. I'm more important than "they" are.

 

Hugs

 

MaybeRob

[Alessia]

2 minutes ago, MaybeRob said:

I'm more important than "they" are

I guess this is something I have never learned in my life, but maybe someday.

 

Thanks for your words too

[Ashley0616]

6 minutes ago, Alessia said:

I will try to take it day by day, but going out with female clothes is not an option for me now, and I already got lucky to get an therapiest at all since most have waiting times for over 6 months or dont sign new patients at all.

I wish I could be brave enough to walk in female clothes outside, but considereing my body I know everyone would know I am not a woman and I guess I am not confident enough for that yet, and also I dont like to look in the mirror seeing my body it reminds me just that I look male. I have heard of so many mtf walking in female clothes pre transition, but I just dont see me doing it without getting more depressed with it. I will just try to cope a little more since I have done it already long enough but its really hard. I guess I am gonna do a little cardio now and feel better afterwards.

 

You are right about something you have to live with and I have to live with other things not ptsd so I can not even know how hard this would be..

 

Just now I have already no feelings again just being numb, but a friend was here today and this was great I can just be fully me in my female clothes and he just supports me and I feel absolutely safe and accepted with him. I think I need to see the good things every day and he is a good thing. I dont know if this is normal to feel numb for transpeople or is it something else with me, I will definitely tell my therapist about it.

 

Thanks Ashley

You're welcome. It takes a lot of guts to dress out the first time. I could imagine it would be better if you have any friends that are girls that can accompany you during the first outing so she can be your wingman. Overthinking is definitely something you have to overcome. One of my first purchases was breast forms. Another feat will be using the public restroom for you when you are dressed up. A good point is to try to act casual. I studied mannerisms from the local women and then I adapted how I wanted to present myself. I have only been called sir once. All the other times I was identified as ma'am.   

[Kristen Sehr]

48 minutes ago, Alessia said:

I still have to wait 2 months to get to my first therapy session and then I would have to wait a little more to get hormones.

How do you deal with the waiting time, since the dysphoria gets stronger every day since I finally outed myself and accepted me.

 

I can not wear female clothes outside since I dont want to be seen in female clothes in my male body.

Ido a lot of cardio to get fit and I try to eat as healthy as I can. I wear my skirt and yogas in my home and I feel better then.

I also have already planned to go to voice coaching and already contacted her, but still it gets harder everyday.

Do you have any tipps for me?

 

Hi Alessia,

 

How about wearing some female things under your male clothes? Like panties? Nobody else has to know. And you can wear them just about anyplace. I used to do that increasingly often before starting on hormones. I remember buying them in stores and timing my visits for when there were less other customers browsing about, and guessing on size and fit because I was too shy to try anything on inside of a store back then. 

 

Another thing I did to ease the dysphoria somewhat was to wear jewelry. Only one piece in my case (because I was more comfortable staying pretty much hidden then), a silver pendant of a Goddess. I had taken the time to research what it meant and it was a comfort to identify with.

 

And that pendant became much more than merely a piece of metal to me because over time, I had invested into it a feminine spiritual connection, what I felt inside of me that the pendant itself came to embody. Hard to describe but I came to feel that it gave me a certain strength, worn next to my skin and hidden under my clothes. A secret I never revealed to anybody and nobody else knew the depth of what it meant. It helped.

 

That Goddess pendant went through thick and thin with me. Through all my trials and tribulations. Like I was not suffering alone and that better times were ahead...

 

[Alessia]

@Kristen Sehr

Oh I love your ideas I will definitive not go in a women store to buy them, but I can order them via internet and see if they fit me, wonderful idea with the jewelry too and since I already have Freya as keychain and statue I could consider her as a necklace too. I just love Freya she is beautiful and strong and the goddess of love too.

I mean Hel would be my other favourite goddess, but she is not very popular in any commercial way.

What goddess did you choose?

 

@Ashley0616

I think I am not there yet but I will take your advice to heart for the future, yes I have had very close female friends through all my life , but I have only contact to one anymore since I mean I isolated for a long time some people cant deal with depressive humans. So I have left only one relatively close female friend left, the others I have are more or less the wifes of 2 of my male friends, even if I have a good relationship to them too.

And I have 2 sisters too, one of them is the one family member I have by far the strongest bond  among all of my family.

Even stronger than my identical twin, so she is an option in the future If I am ready to go out in female outfits.

 

 

I could mention thousand of other excuses why I cant go out in female outfits yet, but my biggest is that I am very tall. I am 192 cm. Not very masculine face ok thats a plus but I am just so damn tall.

Still I need to do this sometimes just not there yet. Idk if the hormones get me more confidence in it or even make me more anxious about it, but the therapy hopefully helps a lot.

 

[Charlize]

One of the first things i did seemed small at the time but helped me.  I started plucking my eye brows.  Little by little i lifted them and made a more feminine shape.  No-one else seed to notice but i loved seeing the change in the mirror.  

As far as height goes i know several tall girls and as i speak to them now we speak about the advantages of looking down at men.  I also get a kick helping shorter women at the store.  Being a tall gal isn't so bad!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

[Alessia]

@charlize

Thank you, my eyebrows arent even dysphoric for me since I think females have them too and I have not overly thick ones, the only thing I am really dysphoric is my body and my voice. My beard  ok I would need hair removal at a given, time but shaving is ok for now.

And I cutted my head hear a couple of months ago because I was frustrated and if I am frustrated I sometimes just cut them off... Well at least they grow back XD

 

 

10 minutes ago, Charlize said:

Being a tall gal isn't so bad!

I think so too if I see one tall girl, they are really beautiful. but I had always problems seeing good things for me too, need to work on this more!

Just venting a bit and talking to you people here is already so helpful thank you all

 

 

[Kristen Sehr]

2 hours ago, Alessia said:

@Kristen Sehr

Oh I love your ideas I will definitive not go in a women store to buy them, but I can order them via internet and see if they fit me, wonderful idea with the jewelry too and since I already have Freya as keychain and statue I could consider her as a necklace too. I just love Freya she is beautiful and strong and the goddess of love too.

I mean Hel would be my other favourite goddess, but she is not very popular in any commercial way.

What goddess did you choose?

 

The Goddess I chose was not a specific one. To me it generally represented an essentially necessary feminine energy and presence throughout creation. Otherwise the idea was, and is, intrinsically loving, understanding, uncomplicated and pure.

 

It really took some soul searching to reach a place where such symbolism was coupled along with so deep a meaning in me. But that is what happened through my own process of self discovery, and through listening to myself. And recognizing what I was experiencing. It all fit together and in turn it fit me. All of that made me stronger. And wearing such a thing representing The Goddess made me stronger too, as if I was not alone and that my life would not always be lived unhappily, as a male. It reminded me of what needed reminding when things were hard in my life.

 

Such knowledge is a gift. And now, its potential is yours. ☺️

 

Freya is certainly an excellent choice too, especially as she already appeals to you. Why Freya appeals to you, beyond what you already wrote about her, may have some deeper inner spiritual meaning for you as well. And this may be worth your further investigation. There is nothing wrong with Hel either and regardless of perhaps not being very popular. After all, such things are intensely personal. You are the only one that can choose what is right for you when it comes to such matters. 

 

You also mentioned (at the beginning of this thread) that you have to wait a few months before your first therapy session. And having to wait is hard, believe me - I know! Just take things day-by-day and you will get there all right. And beyond.

 

Alessia, may the Goddess Freya be with you and strengthen you on your journey. To become... yourself.

 

[Birdie]

6 hours ago, Alessia said:

I wish I could be brave enough to walk in female clothes outside

I'm in a bit of a different situation, but it still applies. I attend a day-center that requires me to "dress my gender". I asked what that entails, and they replied, "shorts, pants, tshirts, shirts, etc..." or stuff a male would wear. 

Dresses are therefore "off the list", so I went shopping (again and again and again). 

I shop at Torrid, and a few other places that have "women's clothing". 

I look for androgynous clothes off the women's rack. Pretty much everything I wear now is women's, and the day-center knows it. They can't do anything about it because I am wearing everything they "told me I could". 

If your are afraid to go out in public wearing a dress (I am too hun), then go out wearing women's slacks and a blouse instead. Do your hair up a bit and wear lip gloss. I wear lip gloss everyday. 

Feel like a woman everyday, and know I have women's clothes and lip gloss on. 💋💖

[AllieJ]

I have dealt with Dysphoria for 65 years, and tried all sorts of things. I managed this for 60 years, and learned a lot along the way. It is important to understand Dysphoria. Part of your brain (Bed Nucleus) is structured opposite to your assigned sex. It's function is to sense what is happening around you, and send out signals to react to those stimuli. Previously it was thought this was to monitor threats and stimulate anxiety, or the fight or flight reflex, but now they have discovered this area is mostly dimorphic (different between sexes). This indicates it senses affirmation  or denial of its structured sex, and sends out feelings. These feelings would be euphoria or dysphoria. 

 

From this we can see that to reduce dysphoria, we need gender affirming things happening. Dressing or transition  is the obvious solution, but I have found that many more things can fill this role. 

 

Masking.

Many things can mask Dysphoria. I found if I kept myself insanely busy, I didn't have time to feel Dysphoria. I found that if I was in situations requiring intense concentration, I didn't feel Dysphoria. For me, this worked when I was scuba diving with a camera. I needed to concentrate to survive and get the planned shot, but even intense gaming should work. Masking simply hides the Dysphoria, it doesn't reduce it, and at times when Dysphoria is really strong, it won't work.

 

Affirmation. 

For decades, dressing or transition was not possible for me, so I experimented with other methods. I found that any affirmation reduced Dysphoria, but often I needed multiple affirming things to get it to tolerable levels. I grew out my nails just a bit more than a man would. I trimmed my eyebrows a bit neater. I went to sewing lessons. I socialised with women and was interested in the same things they were. I grew my hair. I wrote stories including much of my life, but with a transition aspect. Writing made it more real, and these stories became the plan for my transition. I allowed my emotions to show, crying for happy and sad occasions. I did all the domestic duties at home, including decorating (lucky as my wife didn't care for that stuff!). I took subordinate position in relationships. Basically, anything I could do to adopt female actions/mannerisms/emotions etc all reduced my dysphoria. I became know as a sensitive and yielding, but everyone saw me as male.

 

Avoiding Gender Denial

It makes sense that to engage in thing affirming your assigned sex will trigger Dysphoria. Being dominant, aggressive, insensitive and overly competitive can deny our identified gender and trigger Dysphoria.

 

Learn to recognise Dysphoria and when it gets to the stage where it is affecting your life, do something about it. I thought I could resist Dysphoria for all my life, but it became so strong it destroyed my health, and the long term stress contributed to a heart attack and 2 cardiac arrests. So when I say it can be fatal, I have been there! The most common tragic outcome of not dealing with Dysphoria is overwhelming depression, and our community suffers among the highest rates of this outcome.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie 

 

[Alessia]

I am a bit overwhelmed by all those really insightful replies and helpful comments right now.

I really need to process it all more and need to think about it its really helpful and some things I already doing uncounciously I guess. I have already ordered underwear and the Juwelry is a thing I consider too.

I have already maskara and eyeliner. I use since  along time even before I accepted myself womens hairshampoo and bodywashshampoo. Lip Gloss is on my list too .

 

 

2 hours ago, AllieJ said:

Avoiding Gender Denial

It makes sense that to engage in thing affirming your assigned sex will trigger Dysphoria. Being dominant, aggressive, insensitive and overly competitive can deny our identified gender and trigger Dysphoria.

I was never dominant, insensitive but sometimes if I was really depressed I could get aggressive verbally and I hate this feeling.

 

2 hours ago, AllieJ said:

Affirmation

I guess I could find a new hobby again

 

2 hours ago, AllieJ said:

crying for happy and sad occasions

I have somtimes no feelings I can not cry, often I am just numb. Even if I cried a little bit in the last weeks its back to numb again..I really wished I can connect to my feelings again. I believe its because I repressed my feelings for a little too long and now they are hard to catch.

2 hours ago, AllieJ said:

even intense gaming should work

Sometimes this works for me too especially if I can play as a female and the other members read me as female since I am not in voicechat, but I just see that I act a little bit less competitive even if I am a good player. I always try to have a harmonic team chemistry and I am not a leader I am more of a supportive player.

 

8 hours ago, Kristen Sehr said:

Alessia, may the Goddess Freya be with you and strengthen you on your journey. To become... yourself.

I hope so too

 

5 hours ago, Birdie said:

I look for androgynous clothes off the women's rack

I will definitely try some androgynous clothes soon and not those tents I pretend are T-Shirts

[H_G]

This thread was really helpful.  I’ve been finding it difficult managing dysphoria and have used many of the strategies described.  But, I also picked up some new things to try, so thank you!

 

Hannah

[Birdie]

6 minutes ago, H_G said:

This thread was really helpful.  I’ve been finding it difficult managing dysphoria and have used many of the strategies described.  But, I also picked up some new things to try, so thank you!

 

Hannah

I like the one about keeping your nails a bit longer than males. 

I file and shape my nails constantly, I don't paint them but I keep things nice. 

It's amazing how so little can make us feel so womanly. 💖💃💖

 

[Birdie]

I decided to have my hair styled today. She layered it without taking any length off it. 

Sure makes me feel nice after leaving the salon. 💞

[H_G]

What I did today was go for a quick browse in the shops on my way home from work.  The last two days have been pretty bad, but even just looking without buying was affirming💖

 

(And much cheaper too!!!)

[Ashley0616]

1 hour ago, H_G said:

What I did today was go for a quick browse in the shops on my way home from work.  The last two days have been pretty bad, but even just looking without buying was affirming💖

 

(And much cheaper too!!!)

I haven't really done much shopping at stores. Just for my panties and two sport bras oh and I can't forget about my thrift stores so many good deals I have found. I have done my shopping online. They have so much more than the stores do. Although I would like to try out Torrid one day. 

[Kristen Sehr]

On 6/27/2023 at 2:42 AM, AllieJ said:

Masking.

Many things can mask Dysphoria. I found if I kept myself insanely busy, I didn't have time to feel Dysphoria. I found that if I was in situations requiring intense concentration, I didn't feel Dysphoria. For me, this worked when I was scuba diving with a camera. I needed to concentrate to survive and get the planned shot, but even intense gaming should work. Masking simply hides the Dysphoria, it doesn't reduce it, and at times when Dysphoria is really strong, it won't work.

 

Something I would like to add to this very insightful post of yours (and thank you for sharing it, AllieJ), and for the benefit of others that may be struggling with Gender Dysphoria, is that masking can sometimes be a really slippery slope. 

 

When really struggling without other help and without proper guidance, masking can sometimes give the illusion of a another solution to the Dysphoria. And just like AllieJ said, "Masking simply hides the Dysphoria, it doesn't reduce it... ." Which is absolutely true.

 

I spent years in trying run away from myself by masking. Instead of doing the right things that I really needed to be doing all along. When I finally came face-to-face with myself in the mirror on one occasion (while cross dressed), in that instant I truly recognized what was going on inside and accepted myself. And the road to my transition began.

 

But I de-transitioned years later. Over a very traumatic event that shook my life's foundation to its very core. Someday I'll write more about that here, but for now it still hurts me too much to do so. I vividly relive things that I write about, guess I am just wired that way.

 

And the maladaptive solution I hit upon, to somehow survive as a de-transitioned post-op transsexual, was to return to the same masking I had used before. But it was even worse than before. Because the Dysphoria was so much stronger, after I had already fully transitioned, had surgeries, had a job I loved while living openly as my trans woman self, and so very more. And then, gave all that up. And not because I wanted to.

 

I don't discuss my time during and after transition in the following thread (because the topic in it is Emergency Responders), but working in that field is what I returned to in my own masking attempt, and in, once again, running so far away from myself that it still boggles my mind. That I ever went to such insane lengths, especially in the last two stunningly awful solutions I arrived at that are mentioned by yours truly in this thread:

 

https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/index.php?/topic/81636-where-are-the-folks-who-work-in-emergency-response/#comment-830135

 

So please, take caution in masking. Very unhappy and dangerous years can be spent in masking and as more extremes were required in my own case in order to pull that off, the risks were explosively stratospheric. And at the same time, none of my issues were really being solved at all. If I could somehow redo my life all over again, I never would have chosen masking. For me, it was poison. 

 

At least I am back on the right path now, will never leave it, and that I - as a person, am not the sum of my mistakes. But my God, what a mess my life became. And nothing I would ever wish on anybody. So be really, really careful with this stuff. Because sometimes, it makes matters so much worse in the end.

 

[aspistasia]

VRchat is actually an option to whomever you are should look into. This environment overall within itself

is relaxing and very much social, you may make friends of similar nature and there are a lot of them.

you may find and customize or get someone-body to customize an avatar you would love to ware.

people compare it to second-life but the emulsion is not on the same level.

 

 

[April Marie]

I masked for decades, plastering band-aid over band-aid by cross-dressing when I had time alone at home. Even if I had 20 or 30 minutes, I'd slip on stockings and a garter belt, a pair of heels or some other item of clothing that I'd hidden away only to look in the mirror and long to see the person who was really inside me. Not the pasted-over person who looked back at me.

 

Then I'd purge the clothing in a moment of personal hate and disgust and.....start all over again as the dysphoria regained strength.

 

What I didn't see was the slow but steady drop into depression that was hidden under the masking. And, of course, the dysphoria just got stronger as the depression took greater hold, demanding more and more of my conscious thoughts to salve the desire and pain.

 

I was fortunate that a chance question by my wife caused it all to explode out of me in one tear-filled admission, avoiding the physical maladies that many experience from the self-denial. In that moment I understood that I could not "make it all go away" by masking the reality of who I was...who I am. And, the healing began as I accepted my truth.

 

The past almost-year hasn't always been fun, I've shed many tears along the way and I am still very much a work in progress.

 

But, I find more of myself each day and love the person who now smiles back at me when I look in the mirror.

[emeraldmountain]

On 6/27/2023 at 2:24 AM, Birdie said:

I attend a day-center that requires me to "dress my gender".

They don't let you wear what you want? That is awful. I'm sorry to hear that.