Hi I'm Nicole

[MissNicole]

Hello all, I am Nicole.  I am about to turn 24 and live in Oregon. A friend convinced me to join this site.

 

I feel like my transition is going good in most ways (I've been on HRT and full time for 3 years) but have really had problems with my family who totally disowned me when they found out about my transition, and also had a boyfriend last year who brutally raped and beat me which really made me feel bad about myself and I was borderline suicidal for months, but I have gotten past that.

 

I have exclusively worked from home during my transition but as the transition is further on now, and I've done things like getting my name and driver's license changed (it now says Female) I am trying to go out into the real world more and just be accepted as Nicole.  I still have confidence issues though my few transgender friends tell me I pass very easily, but connecting with people is hard for me.

 

I just want to connect with people and feel more accepted for who I am.  I feel the real me is just bursting to come out but I just don't have the confidence in myself yet.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Nicole.  Welcome!

 

I am sorry to hear about what happened last year.  But it sounds like you are doing well now, and I am glad to hear that.  Confidence takes time to build.  Going out as yourself can be one of the biggest confidence-builders.  Take the time you need, but keep moving forward one step at a time.

 

This a great forum, with lots of lovely people.  I am sure you will like it here.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Mmindy]

Hello and welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums Nicole,

 

Being on HRT for 3 years, you have some experience to share with a lot of us. That will happen when you become comfortable chatting on threads, and with people here who care about you. There are some common reoccurring statements made here. HRT: "Your mileage may vary."

My family has disowned me: "Found family can love deeper than Blood Family."

 

I'm sorry your boyfriend took your innocence, by rapping and beating you. Your survival is important to us, and we don't want you to ever feel like you need to take your own life. We want you to be and feel safe in your surroundings.  Hopefully your trans-friends are helping you find a safe place to be yourself. While this website and forum has many opportunities for you to vent, and be yourself, it's not a replacement for therapy. Please seek out a therapist to help you with your rape and subsequent suicidal thoughts, this same therapist may be able to see you through the difficult time with your family.

 

Hugs, best wishes, stay positive, and safe,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋🏳️‍🌈

[April Marie]

Hi, Nicole!! Welcome to TP forums. I'm a relative newcomer, too, who is just finding my way to what transition will look like for me. I can tell you that you will find many people here who will help, listen or just share a shoulder to lean on. I can totally relate to the reluctance to get out into public - it takes confidence that takes time to build.

 

I am so sorry for what you went through with your former boyfriend. No one should have to experience that.

 

Like others, my journey has been made somewhat easier by working with a gender therapist. She's helped me - and saved me - in so many ways in just 6 months. I can't imagine where I'd be without her.

 

Again, welcome, and jump in where you feel comfortable. You have years of experience and thoughts to share with us.

[Kristen Sehr]

Hi Miss Nicole!

 

I am originally from Portland and that is where I first came out, started hormones and later had surgery (at OHSU, where I had also worked). Tons of trans resources up there in Portland if you need any, as Salem is not that far away. And while I don't live there anymore (I'm no longer in the PNW), my understanding is that there are a lot of trans-friendly employers and businesses still there. Plus, in Oregon you don't have to worry about the anti-trans legal assaults taking place in many other states, which are being spearheaded by the GOP. 

 

You are going to do just fine, too. And the real you will either be out all the time, or as often as it needs to be for you to be happy. More experience and confidence is coming your way. It is only a matter of time, believe me. I've lived through it so I know. I am also sorry about the non-acceptance of your family and about the horrendous boyfriend experience. You have strength in spite of all that, otherwise you would not be here.

 

I am new here too and you are going to find that you are among like-minded friends. Welcome! ☺️

[Kristen Sehr]

I forgot mention this in my last post. But Nicole, have you ever attended the Portland Pride Parade? Its not until July this year, along with the festival being held at Waterfront Park. Additional details can be found here:

 

https://portlandpride.org/

 

While still living in Portland, my spouse and I were Pride parade goers/watchers during some years, and went to Pride at Waterfront Park, too. It was a lot of fun! And after I came out, I actually marched in the Pride parade and as my femme self - which was an incredibly amazing experience! Everyone trans should have such an opportunity at least once, as it is exhilarating and so very affirming. From hiding oneself to later being out and cheered by literally thousands of people. 

 

The way it happened was that I just showed up on the day of the parade, and wandered around the formation areas before it began (I was looking for a friend that was one of the "Dykes on Bikes" riding a Harley and they led the parade). After I found her, I happened to notice a gender support group I had once been a member of, that was carrying a large banner with the name of the group (Northwest Gender Alliance) and about 20 members, that were also going to march (I did not know they would even be there). So I was able to tag along with them, and was honored to hold one end of the group's banner throughout the procession as we made our way through downtown and all the way to Waterfront Park. It was really great!

 

If you can make it, I urge you to give it a try. Talk about a confidence boosting shot in the arm! Maybe some of your trans friends might also be interested in going? I would dearly love to go again this year but am too far away...

[MissNicole]

Thanks for your replies everyone.  I have been seeing a therapist for a few years and she's helped a lot.  She's really the one who got me through my depression last year, and she's one of those really trying to get me to engage more with the real world.

 

Thanks particularly for your suggestions Kristen.  Those are the kind of things that still scare me somewhat, but it really sounds like a good idea so maybe I should give it a try!

[ChloeL]

Hey Nicole, great to see you joined.  Welcome to another Northwest girl!

 

I do understand all too well what you went through with your family.  I went through pretty much the same thing and it's difficult when you feel like suddenly your own family can't accept you for who you are.  Just remember this is their issue, not yours.  You are becoming who you really are and should be darn proud of it!

 

I know a few girls in the Portland area (I'm across the river in Vancouver) and we usually get together once a month in Portland to do some shopping or have lunch together and are always welcome to having another girl from around our age join us.  Message me if you'd like to and I'd love to help you get out more by just being "one of the girls!"   Let me know anything else I can do to help.

Welcome to the forum Nicole, you will get so much help here, the people here are amazing!!

[Ashley0616]

Hi Nicole,

 

You are definitely further into than me. I'm currently working on getting my gender identity changed on my driver's license. I already got my name officially changed. I'm sorry that your family can't accept you for who you are. I can relate to that part. I'm sorry about your ex boyfriend. You have definitely come to the right place. Confidence is a bit tricky but you will get there. I don't have any friends down here and the first place I dressed as Ashley was when I went to church and it boosted my confidence. I've only been called sir once. Other than that it has been ma'am. The VA has been calling me by Ashley and I have to change social security and my driver's license and then I can officially get it transferred over to Ashley and Scott won't exist. 

[Kristen Sehr]

8 hours ago, MissNicole said:

Thanks for your replies everyone.  I have been seeing a therapist for a few years and she's helped a lot.  She's really the one who got me through my depression last year, and she's one of those really trying to get me to engage more with the real world.

 

Thanks particularly for your suggestions Kristen.  Those are the kind of things that still scare me somewhat, but it really sounds like a good idea so maybe I should give it a try!

 

Engaging more with the real world is really, critically important. For self-esteem, confidence and lots of other things. As one is otherwise limited in how far they can grow without it.

 

As for Pride, I ended up going alone as none of my very trans supportive friends could make it (except for the one that was already going to be in the parade as part of a lesbian-exclusive group, and she was busy with them which was perfectly understandable). I was only living a part-time existence then, and (because of trouble at home) had to bring my outfit, makeup and everything else along in a big bag to a facility in NW Portland I knew of that I could use to safely and privately take my time to change and get ready in. And then off I went.

 

Whatever fears I had vanished once I realized for myself that everything was fine. Nobody bothered me. I had expected to make my way from the parade assembly area to Waterfront Park on foot (and on my own, just so I could be outside in the sunshine) to enjoy the presentations and atmosphere there, but running into the Northwest Gender Alliance group folks waiting for the parade to begin gave me the idea to ask if I could join in and march along with them. Which they all graciously agreed to. 

 

Believe me Nicole, I get being scared. Really. And there were plenty of times earlier in my life when I never would have dared to do something like this. But when I found the strength to try, I was greatly rewarded with wonderful experiences that I will always cherish. And that still nurture my spirit. Seems like those first steps are always the hardest ones, doesn't it?

 

And Chloe's kind offer (in her post, above) is very sweet. Such things can be so incredibly helpful! In my case it was my super supportive female (AFAB) friends/coworkers that took me under their collective wing, which was where my self-confidence really began to soar. So if you don't mind my saying so, I would recommend you seriously consider taking Chloe up on her thoughtful offer.

[natalianatalia]

Good morning 🌞 have a nice day to all! live your life don't dreaming but live your dream! Nice to meet you here Nicole! 

[MissNicole]

I really appreciate everyone's great advice.  It makes me feel better about myself just knowing that so many people have gone through many of the same experiences I have and came out better people in the end.

 

I really like your offer Chloe and would like to connect with you since you're in the area and we are close in age.  I can't message you yet though, can you message me?  Sorry I'm new here and learning how things work.

[gennee]

Hi Nicole and welcome to the site. 

🙂

 

[MissNicole]

Just wanted to follow up.  I am meeting up with Chloe and a few of her friends this Saturday up in Portland.  I really look forward to it and getting out in the world more.  Thanks Chloe!

[SamC]

5 hours ago, MissNicole said:

Just wanted to follow up.  I am meeting up with Chloe and a few of her friends this Saturday up in Portland.  I really look forward to it and getting out in the world more.  Thanks Chloe!

So glad you are doing that.  Please let us know how it goes. I am new here, but read some of both yours and Chloe’s posts. You both seem sweet.  Definitely cute.  Have fun. 

[Tiffany 838]

This is a great place to be.  No judgement   Lots of support and advice.  Not to mention just friends that you did not know you had.  
 

welcome

 

 

 

[Kristen Sehr]

8 hours ago, MissNicole said:

Just wanted to follow up.  I am meeting up with Chloe and a few of her friends this Saturday up in Portland.  I really look forward to it and getting out in the world more.  Thanks Chloe!

 

Wonderful! I am so happy for you, Miss Nicole. Portland isn't perfect (is anyplace, really?) and does have some big city problems.

But Portland is also a great place to be trans, as I know from it being my hometown. And check this story out, it was just published to the web today:

 

https://www.wweek.com/news/2023/07/05/they-arrived-portland-is-becoming-a-haven-for-gender-refugees/

 

Have a great time, and have fun! Maybe you can let us here on the forum know how things went.

 

[ChloeL]

Just wanted to follow up, Nicole met with me and some friends of mine on Saturday at a Portland mall and she's very shy but a very pretty girl and was glad to see her there and I think she got more comfortable with us and it just became a great girls day out!  We did some shopping and had lunch together and I think one of the guys at a nearby table there kept looking at her lol.

 

I know she hasn't posted anything about the weekend yet but just wanted to say I think she's a very sweet girl and was glad to see her get the chance to hang out with other girls around her age and hope we can do this again soon!

[awkward-yet-sweet]

It is awesome to have local friends!  In my area, it is quite rare to find somebody similar out in the wild.  Hopefully you have more good times ahead. 🙂

[MissNicole]

Thanks to everybody and big thanks to Chloe and her friends.  I really had a good time Saturday and was so nice to meet someone from here in person.  It was the first time I'd done something like that with other people but really just felt like one of the girls and it was an awesome feeling.  Chloe has a very bubbly personality and makes you feel better about yourself just being around her, I really thank her and all of you really for helping me start to come out of my shell.

 

Chloe we have to talk more about the guy who was looking at me I didn't know about that!