From Samuel to Samantha; Always Sam

[SamC]

I am a trans woman.  
 

For a long time I didn’t know who I was.  For a long time I tried to hide who I was. For a long time I denied who I was.  
 

For a long time I was embarrassed and ashamed.  I, also, was afraid. I am still a little afraid today, but nowhere near like I was.  I am not at all embarrassed or ashamed.  In all candor, I have some vanity now, but I am not sure if it is a good thing or something to be wary of. 

Before all that I thought I was a boy. 
 

I would like to share my story, as it would be cathartic.  But I don’t want to be a bore or burden or butt of jokes. 
 

I will start.  And if you roll your eyes, please tell me, and I will stop. 

 

AN UNREMARKABLE LITTLE BOY

I believe I was started out not much different than any other little boy.  I played the typical games with boys and girls.  Had normal boy toys.  Was comfortable in boy’s clothing.  I never thought it felt different. 
 

In hindsight, there may have been subtle signs I felt and saw things a little differently.  A few memories stand out given the perspective of where I am now, but maybe there is nothing unusual, who know?

 

Do you know how blankets can have those satin trimmings on the top and bottom, and how the trimming is folded over, so there is a little opening at the corner?  From as early as I can remember,  I loved how those trimmings felt, and I loved to slide my fingers inside the open corners.   

My father, more on him another time if there is any interest, before I was old enough to read, used to bring home two newspapers, one a normal bifold, the other a tabloid.  I would immediately go for the tabloid, because it had a page where it had drawings of pro wrestlers in their wrestling briefs.  Do you know how the newspaper pictures are?  Almost like a coloring book. Every day, I would get my crayons, and I would give the wrestlers, bright, red lipstick lips and black eyeliner and vivid eyeshadow eyes.  What was strange is still, was that typically I was very impatient with my coloring books, and not the least bothered to stay inside the lines. However, when I made up the wrestlers, I was meticulous.  
 

Little boys often like bugs and stuff, but I didn’t. I remember one time, my father took me fishing.  I did not want to touch the worms. I thought I would pass out when he put the worm on the hook, and no way it was I going to do it when he asked me.  And then we caught a fish, and my father handed it to me. Instead of being happy and excited, I was disgusted by how wet and slimy it was, adamantly dropped it. I thought I was going to puke. 

To be continued

 

 

 

[April Marie]

If I haven't already said this - Welcome to TP!!!

 

Thank you for sharing - and I hope you continue. I've only been here for perhaps 5 months - and only 6 months into this journey of discovering my true self - but I learned quickly that the forum is a haven where you can express without judgement. Each of us is unique - although there are often similarities to our stories. And, being able to tell one's story freely and without fear of condemnation IS cathartic.

 

So, share away with as much as you are comfortable doing and know that when you do you give hope to those of us just beginning who still sometimes deal with the guilt, the self-doubt and the fears.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Sam.  I like what you've written so far, and I look forward to hearing the rest of your story.  Please have a look around the forums, post where you like, ask questions, and participate as much or as little as you like.  We'll be here whenever you need us.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[SamC]

2 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Sam.  I like what you've written so far, and I look forward to hearing the rest of your story.  Please have a look around the forums, post where you like, ask questions, and participate as much or as little as you like.  We'll be here whenever you need us.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

OMG, you and everyone else here have been so nice. Thank you.  Thank you

[Delcina B]

Welcome Samantha! Glad you're here! Please continue when you have time! I hope you find the wonderful advice, support & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina