For the good of our family

[Kristen Sehr]

So I am about to become homeless for the fourth time since 2006. And all due to my being a trans woman and people in my life that refuse to accept this. Employers that discriminated against me, false friends and particularly so-called "family." It is family betrayal that hurts the worst. And it is my own fault for ever trusting them. I must be the biggest fool on earth.

 

I am posting here because I have nobody else to talk to. About what will soon be happening to me all over again. I am vacillating between numbness and an anguish of limitless capacity. As it happens when one teeters on the edge of an abyss. When you stare into an abyss, the abyss also stares into you. Nietzsche was right about that. And I know it first hand, too. Having fought my share of real life monsters masquerading as human beings. Those of you into philosophy will have an idea of what I mean here.

 

I am a well organized and meticulous sort. So I am developing plans and contingencies for survival. They are solid and are designed with my safety in mind. And yet... four times of this instability, of this recurrent nightmare? Of course it would be happening while I am transitioning again, which is no coincidence at all. Today I was told that "for the good of our family" that I had better not transition any further. A ham-fisted attempt at manipulation that is doomed to failure. And the writing on the wall that my time left in this conservative wasteland is running out.

 

If that is not enough, I was smashed hard across my hormone-sensitive chest last night (I had been sound asleep and it was a claimed accident, but whether an intentional assault or not it hurt very badly just the same). And at a critically important doctor appointment earlier today, that was disrupted by yet another family member in an attempt to sabotage the FFS referral I was seeking. Not that my insurance would ever pay for it, but I wanted to at least try.

 

I have survived terrible odds before. Like being homeless and so very, very alone. And the time I died of septic shock during a botched gall bladder surgery, and was resuscitated but comatose in an ICU for weeks on end. And the worst horrors imaginable of all, ever, when I regained consciousness as a complete scrambled-brain psychotic.

 

I had also managed to contract pneumonia in both lungs and was running a very high fever, none of which I was able to understand at the time - plus having been intubated for so long, when the tube was removed it was impossible to speak with the ICU staff (and my fingers would not write). I was therefore trapped in a world of extreme pain and horrifying delusions with no rescue, no escape and no relief (and sleep was even worse, no one can ever imagine how much worse that was). Not until the infections and the fever subsided. And then there was the arduous ordeal of in-patient rehab to rebuild my body and mind, which lay in ruins. Meanwhile, the state legislature was able to make things as difficult as possible to bring medical malpractice litigation, and instituted a cap on damages, too. Thanks to our erstwhile corrupt politicians. So I was never made whole.   

 

And now? I just don't know if the struggle is worth it anymore. I am too well disciplined to consider self-harm. And I will not be dissuaded from my transition, period. But all that is left, is a sort of nothingness. And so very incredibly empty. In facing such a fate all over again. Soul crushing. And also my evident lot in life to possess the intellect to most fully experience to the upmost every single ugly, resplendent horror. In a parade of horrors.

 

But. If homeless is the price I must pay in order to live as myself at last. Then that is the price I will pay. I am also trying to keep in mind that homelessness may not be permanent. And that things may turn out well after all. In its own way though, it is such an incredible hurt to be treated with more far respect by total strangers (like those in the doctor's office waiting room today) than by my very own family. The only answer I can see is in leaving them all behind. But the gap between that, and in finding a normal existence again, only leads to the streets. Given the circumstances I find myself in.

 

This also reminds me of what a lot of AFAB domestic violence victims go through at times. In fleeing an abuser (if they can escape, that is). And the choices they can be limited by in their own survival in a patriarchal society. Might that be something that I too must be reinforced in learning? 

 

Am I to drown in the coming storm? It feels like I already am.

[AllieJ]

Kristen, being trans sucks. It not only happens to us, but to everyone around us, and it is often harder for them to come to grips with it. In the meantime, we face an enormous challenge of restarting our lives, with so many expenses, painful procedures, and having to come to terms with it all ourselves. If your family understood what is happening to you, they couldn't ask you to stop, as stopping can be life threatening. So, there comes a time where you have to first think of yourself. You can't solve these other problems right now, so it's time to concentrate on getting yourself and your life on solid ground. 

 

Make today the first day of the rest of your life, and start doing what you need to do to live. 

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Kristen Sehr]

21 hours ago, AllieJ said:

Kristen, being trans sucks. It not only happens to us, but to everyone around us, and it is often harder for them to come to grips with it. In the meantime, we face an enormous challenge of restarting our lives, with so many expenses, painful procedures, and having to come to terms with it all ourselves. If your family understood what is happening to you, they couldn't ask you to stop, as stopping can be life threatening. So, there comes a time where you have to first think of yourself. You can't solve these other problems right now, so it's time to concentrate on getting yourself and your life on solid ground. 

 

Make today the first day of the rest of your life, and start doing what you need to do to live. 

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

 

Thank you, Allie.

 

I have the numbness now. After sleeping all day. All of my movements are really slow and uncoordinated. I has forgotten that part of being so deeply down. Nothing is bringing me out of it yet. And I can feel my wall going up, being constructed. It is not guided by my conscious mind. But it is a inner defense mechanism. I hope it does not wall me off and away from everyone, even those wishing me no harm. I want to cry when I think about that.

 

Thanks for what you wrote. And for being there. It may be awhile before I am back here again. Doing my best to work through it all.

 

Love,

Kristen 

 

[AllieJ]

Kristen, those walls are depression, and it just gets worse when you block people out. This isn't the end of the world, but you have to put aside some things for later, and concentrate on moving yourself forward. Give yourself a little time to bring things back to speed, and you will start to think of solutions. Right now, you need to talk to people and get different perspectives because one, or a combination of all of them will hold the answers. 

 

It might seem now like nothing will change with time, but it always does. Where you were a week ago isn't where you are today, and not where you will be next week. Keep talking to people, keep living, and push yourself forward. Things will change, we are on a rollercoaster, and you can be sure when the ride is at the bottom, it will start to go up, and when we are on top, it is about to dip again! You just have to hang on to get to the end of the ride!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Heather Shay]

You have another ally now on-board. I know the feelings of rejection and depression and sensing inside that by hanging in there  the journey and all those things that transpire against us will bring a greater reward and richer, fuller friends. Yes it is worth it.

Hugs,

Heather

[April Marie]

And another ally joins the team. 

 

The walls you talk about - the depression that Allie identified - take the form of a hole for me. As I become more depressed, the hole seems to become deeper and seemingly impossible to crawl out of. But I do, just as you've knocked down those walls before....and will do again.

 

And, as Allie also said, keeping up a dialogue with people who care about you is crucial. Those who demand that you change or stop transitioning aren't the right people. Those who can offer advice, ideas, or even just a shoulder to cry on as you work through this difficult period are - even if they don't always agree with you. Focus on yourself, your mental and physical health and safety. Fight one day at a time as you make progress, then 2 days, a week, a month..... Find that one good thing in each day and hold on to it. People can help you do that. WILL help you do that.

 

I am so new to this experience so I know I can't offer a lot. But, I do know that in the 6 months since I've begun to embrace my reality, despite the ups and downs, the occasional re-emergence of some depression and guilt, I know in my heart that this life, this change, this reality, IS worth it. 

 

We, all of us, from newbie to the most experienced transition veteran, are here as you need us.

[Kristen Sehr]

Thank you all. It means a lot. I am not giving up.

[AllieJ]

38 minutes ago, Kristen Sehr said:

Thank you all. It means a lot. I am not giving up.

You better not give up, because we won’t!  I found myself at the depths of despair in 2021 with my life collapsing around me. My psychologist was so concerned about me she would ring me at night and on weekends to check on me as she thought I was utterly on my own, but I wasn’t. I was part of this community, unique in that so many other trans people know and understand what you are going through. I thought my life was beyond salvage, but they reminded me of the things I had going for me, and I realised the most important of those were the people in my community.

 

By the end of 2021, I realised that continuing to fight my enemies was killing me, so I vowed to spend 2022 just getting me right. The strain of 2021 caught up with me, and I had a major heart attack and 2 cardiac arrests. I realised just how damaging that year had been for me, how important my community was to me, and that those disasters I fought were not so important in the overall scheme of things. This year has been my year of recovery, and though my life has changed, I survived those disasters, and have recaptured some normality. I learned that I need to ensure that I am steady and under control before I take on the challenges of life, and to recognise when things are damaging me so I can put them aside until I can do something about them.

 

You have a great resource here of people who understand you and many who have walked a similar path, stay in touch with them. We well get through this to better times!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Kristen Sehr]

So this is the terrain in the Desert Southwest where I have begun being homeless at (these photos are from when I was homeless and living out there the last time, nothing has changed). But it got so bad with the heat today that I had to reluctantly return home for a bit, where I am briefly sending this message from. And I might need to do as some of the other homeless folks do here, and spend all day long sitting on a bench in an air conditioned department store. Or maybe spend all day long inside an air conditioned movie theater. To avoid dying of heat stroke. 

 

Having lived through homelessness before, the best answer I came up with then was to get as far away from any other people as possible. Because they can be dangerous. This place is located where there are no roads (I have 4WD) and when parked behind scrub covered sand dunes, the camouflage is perfect. Nearest hardball (paved road) is miles & miles distant. No cell service, but if I go about a mile I can get reception. But look closely at the dash board, I still have my legally owned 9mm for protection (and other weapons, too) since there is no law enforcement so far out there, in the open desert. I also maintain situational awareness and can see anybody coming my direction from a long way off.

 

The temps are nasty and horrid now. But by Sunday, it is forecast to be 105 degrees. I may have to abandon this and just stay inside air conditioned stores all day long, then return to the boonies at night to sleep, where it is safe. A friend here also knows where I am, and can send help to my lat/long if I fail to check-in. I will also post to the forum as able. Have no idea how long this will last or how long I will be able to take it. One of my family members wants me to come back. Do not yet know how I will respond to this.

 

Thanks for the support.

 

Love to all,

Kristen

[April Marie]

Oh, Kristen, please be safe. That heat can be debilitating so quickly. Drink lots of fluids - even if you're staying indoors during the day. And, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Kristen Sehr]

Just a quick note to let everybody know I am okay.

 

One (and only one) of my extended family members here was concerned enough about my being in the extreme heat that I have been able to return home. The other family members that were also living under the same roof are now grudgingly staying elsewhere. Because they are convinced I am "In league with Satan" and possessed by a demon, manifesting itself in my being trans. And no, I'm not kidding here.

 

The relative I am with, she has her own issues with her head being willingly pumped full of extreme right-wing media reporting all day long. For instance, according to what she has seen (on the "news" so it must be true), kids in schools that "identify as dogs" are being allowed to act like dogs and being walked around on leashes at recess (before school let out for the summer), and kids "identifying as cats" use a litter box in their classrooms instead of going to a human restroom. She really believes all of this poison. Very sad. And yet, there is still some humanity in her. Otherwise I would not be allowed back here again.  

 

And, as the weather forecast has again been revised to be 108 degrees on this coming Sunday (and nearly as hot on preceding and following days), I have been granted a reprieve of sorts. I also have several severe, chronic medical conditions that are seriously exacerbated by the heat. And I am not a youngster anymore. So, for the time being at least, I am not facing a death sentence. I'll be biding my time, saving up (I have a modest retirement income), and then moving. 

 

I am also learning to be thankful for even the smallest and otherwise most insignificant of courtesies. There are plenty of people out there that have things far, far worse than I do. Count your blessings, my friends.

 

Love,

Kristen 🦋

 

[April Marie]

I am so happy to hear that you're safe and secure, at least for now, and have a pathway ahead to be in your own place. 

 

I never ceased to be amazed what people will believe - as far as we've advanced, many are still just sheep willing to follow any idea or person who can capture their attention.

 

Stay safe and check in when you can!

[MaybeRob]

@Kristen Sehr

 

Thats better news. 

 

My brother and his wife have fallen for the rubbish that circulates on the internet. He is a refrigeration engineer, and she is a secondary school teacher. Education doesn't seem to protect people from brainwashing.

 

Hugs

 

MaybeRob