New and also not out😢

[H_G]

Hi everyone!  I’m new here and thought I’d introduce myself.  I’m AMAB, MtF.  I like to be known as Hannah.

 

I’ve known since I was about 10 that I didn’t fit into my body properly and can remember vividly feeling so comfortable the very first time I tried on a skirt.  I totally shut it down and became very afraid to allow anyone to know I appreciate the more feminine aspects to life.  It was to the point I couldn’t even bring myself to compliment a friends dress even though I thought it looked great.

 

I’ve gone through phases where I’ve accepted to some level this part of me and that I’m going to keep it to myself as I don’t want to risk hurting those closest to me (I’m married with 2 children).  We’ve brought them up to be aware that gender etc does not define the person and I’m so happy that they both are very inclusive in their views.  I’ve caught my son calling his friends out for using homophobic terms as insults.  And they actually listened to him.

 

I had a lightbulb moment one day after lockdown where I had a day to myself so decided to spend it dressing.  I’d not worn make up before, but once I’d finished I had a strangely odd, calm feeling.  Almost like I’d found myself.  That was around three years ago, and since then I’ve become more and more unsettled when I can’t spend time as Hannah.  I’ve ended up taking random days off work when I know that I’m not going to be disturbed so I can relax.  I’ve been out a good few times since then, but alway travel to a town that’s far enough away that I’m unlikely to be recognised.  It’s been great as I’ve always seemed to pass without issue as I take great care on how to blend in.

 

Problem is that I now have a lot of soul searching to do as the uncomfortable feelings of being in the closet are more difficult to deal with.

 

Posting this has been a start.  Thank you for listening. X

[KymmieL]

Welcome Hannah. You are among friends here. We've gone through what you have in one way or another. Some still are. We share, laugh, and cry together. Even if we are on different placed in this blue rock called Earth.

 

Hugs,

Kymmie

[Heather Shay]

Welcome Hannah,

So glad you are here. There are some affirming and wonderful people here. I see you've already met one. As the day goes on you'll meet other amazing people who have helped me on my journey with love, understanding and honest answers.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Hannah.  Welcome!

 

You are among friends here.  Most of us have been in a similar position.  Once your "egg cracks" (you become fully aware of your feelings), it gets harder to stay in the closet.  That is something we all experience.  So feel free to vent or to ask questions.  We "get it".

[April Marie]

Welcome, Hannah!! I'm relatively new here and working through the process of determining what transition will look like for me. In the end, there is no single version - we are each unique. You'll find many kind and generous people here who will offer thoughts, ideas, advice or just a shoulder to cry on. It is an amazing community.

 

Look around, ask questions, offer thoughts....as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing. I think the one common thread that has helped most of us in finding our true selves has been a gender therapist with whom we "click." There is nothing like being able to talk with someone who can help us understand our feelings, desires and inner needs. And, it doesn't have to be in person - I work exclusively with mine on-line. Just a thought for you to consider.

 

Again, welcome. 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Hannah!  Glad you came here, and we hope you stay.  There is a lot of good things going on here, not least of which is our wonderful membership and the Moderators.  We do our very best to keep this place safe and accessible and fun.  Please feel free to post wherever you like, and ask whatever questions come to mind.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Welcome Hannah.  Takevyour time.  Read about others and please post about yourself.  I know being here and joining in has helped me grow in self acceptance.

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Mmindy]

Welcome Hannah,

 

As the others have said, you're not alone, and time is on your side. Many of us had to wait until we were in our mid-sixties to come out. Finding a therapist is a huge help as you move forward.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[H_G]

Thank you so much for the warm welcome. X

[Rianon]

Hi, Hannah––

 

––and welcome!

 

I've been on a long and much needed vacation, but I'm glad to be back, back to TransPulse especially. That should say a lot about what a special community this is. As others have said already: Feel free to wander around, read what others are talking about, and, most especially, make yourself at home!

 

Cheers!

Rianon

[KayC]

Hi @H_G Hannah, and Welcome.
After struggling with my cloistered life in ways very similar to yours, I found this Forum and the wonderful community here a little over 3 years ago ... about the same time as you came to your own self-realization.

 

The next step was Self-acceptance through Gender Therapy (as others here have suggested). 

I can tell you, that even though I am not socially Out yet either, and in spite of a non-supportive wife, I have made remarkable progress over the last 3 years.  Sometimes it's difficult to see that progress without the benefit of Time.  But it does happen.  My social transition is now just around the corner (FINALLY) ... so hang in there!  It will happen.

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time ❤️

[Susan R]

On 7/10/2023 at 9:13 AM, H_G said:

I totally shut it down and became very afraid to allow anyone to know I appreciate the more feminine aspects to life.  It was to the point I couldn’t even bring myself to compliment a friends dress even though I thought it looked great.

Hi Hanna, It’s so nice to meet you and have you on our forum. This little snippet above caught my attention. This shut down would happen to me too. I usually experienced a short period after a major crossdressing purge when I tried to play the part of a  ‘manly man’. It NEVER felt real and the suppression of my feminine side caused me a lot of pain. Eventually, I succumbed to the need to express myself properly (even if it was in secret). Like yourself, I was deathly afraid of anyone seeing my enjoyment of all things feminine and I had similar reactions with women and giving out friendly compliments. In time, I was able to work through some of that as I started to embrace my authentic self but I sometimes worried it would expose my true inner self just showing any interest in that girly things.

 

On 7/10/2023 at 9:13 AM, H_G said:

I’d not worn make up before, but once I’d finished I had a strangely odd, calm feeling.

Crossdressing to any degree did this for me too. I experienced a somewhat euphoric phase as the stresses of everyday life melted away. Early in life, my only concern while crossdressing was getting caught.

 

On 7/10/2023 at 9:13 AM, H_G said:

Problem is that I now have a lot of soul searching to do as the uncomfortable feelings of being in the closet are more difficult to deal with.

As @KathyLauren talked about above…once you’re exposed to your truth and experience it for just a bit, it changes one’s perspective. The change is just enough to want to experience it again. You begin to better understand yourself, better understand your needs, and the path in front of you becomes so much clearer as you do.

 

Welcome to the forum,

Susan R🌷

[H_G]

Thank you:-)

 

It’s been really reassuring to hear that actually people have felt the same as me and that I’m not alone.  The fear of admitting I like the more feminine things has been so difficult, but I’m taking comfort from hearing others feel that way too.

 

I spent the day secretly affirming which worked wonders!  I pampered myself by shaving my legs and under my arms, and wore women’s jeans with an oversize hoody.  Although I maybe looked like a slob, I felt relaxed.  Not a soul gave me a second glance.  I’m going to bed tonight feeling much less dysphoric than when I woke up this morning.

[EasyE]

Hello Hannah, thanks for sharing your story... I am pretty new on here as well. It is nice to have a safe place to share your inner thoughts and not have them come back at you in the form of a hammer... There are some good people on here, I've found... Best wishes in your journey... 

[H_G]

Thank you, and welcome too!

 

When I have a little more time I’ll share some more details about my journey and how the egg broke!  I’ve found it nice to find a place I can be open and honest.

 

Hannah

[H_G]

So, here’s a little more….

 

I’ve tried to keep this to myself my whole life and have been through the usual purges several times.  But the thoughts of wondering what it would be like to be female never went away.

 

Fast forward to lockdown.  I was in a public facing job and had to go to work everyday.  There was less to do that would allow me to relax so I ended up buying some clothes and dressing in secret.  I had longer than usual the day I found myself, and although I’d put on a little eye shadow or lipstick, for some reason I decided to see what it felt like to cover my beard shadow and get fully made up.  That’s when the odd, calm feeling came over me.  It was really strange, but I felt at peace.

 

Wearing face masks made it easier to step out into public, but I had to get out the house and away.  First time, I just walked round a nearby town but as it was outside I didn’t wear a mask.  I got one person that smirked at me, but absolutely no other reactions.

 

I had grown my hair and didn’t best to style it.

 

The next time, I decided that I’d go shopping dressed.  This time I had a mask on and I didn’t get clocked once.  I thought it would be a buzz, out in the shops wearing a dress but actually it just felt normal.

 

I got my hair cut, which was a mistake.  I’d bought a wig, but hated it.  It just didn’t seem natural wearing a wig, so haven’t been as confident out.  Although, I’ve still not had any odd reactions from people.

 

I’m growing my hair again and hopefully it’ll give me a bit of confidence back again.

 

I’m finding the gender dysphoria much more difficult these days, but am finding better ways of coping.

 

Phew, that all felt good to say.

 

Thanks again for listening. X

[Ivy]

Welcome Hannah

I remember that first time putting on a skirt and how it just felt "right."

[EasyE]

On 7/17/2023 at 9:09 AM, Ivy said:

Welcome Hannah

I remember that first time putting on a skirt and how it just felt "right."

That was me about a year ago ... yowza, i went over the cliff after that ... i now have a whole closet full of them, though it is agonizing that I can't yet really wear them in public and feel comfortable...