Hi all, I'm Audrey

[Audrey Renee]

Just want to introduce myself.  I am Audrey and I'm 38 years old and live in St. Paul Minnesota.  I am non-op and I've been living as a woman full time over 15 years and am legally married to a man and we generally have a pretty happy life where people just accept us as husband and wife.

 

My being non-op (which is the way I prefer it) hasn't really been an issue.  My license and passport list me as female, but some of his relatives judge him because of my status (yes of course, they know).  And even my husband (who has always been 100% accepting of me as a woman despite my status) has started hinting about me having the gender reassignment surgery.  I'm not completely against the idea, but I don't think that's going to stop the few relatives from being critical of our marriage, and I don't see how it would change our relationship.  So I'm not sure what his motivation really is.  Is it something he'd always preferred?

 

When I ask him about why I should do it, he just suggests it would make life easier for us.  I guess I just don't see how.

 

Anyhow I wanted to say hi to everyone as a friend suggested I finally join here as it would be a good place to get support for my somewhat odd situation.  I really appreciate anyone's advice as I don't understand why this is happening now.

[Madison_1990]

Welcome to the forum Audrey.  I am in the Twin Cities also so definitely had to say hi!

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with your transgender status being an issue for some people.  But that's their problem, not yours.  If you and your husband are a happy couple, his relatives that have a problem with it can get lost.

 

I think you should have an honest discussion with your husband about gender reassignment surgery and whether it's something that would make your marriage better, what anybody else thinks doesn't matter.  It really doesn't sound necessary as it sounds like you are a happy husband and wife as things are today, but just to get the issue settled.

 

Welcome again to the forum Audrey!

[Mmindy]

5 hours ago, Audrey Renee said:

I am Audrey

Hello Audrey,

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums, @Madison_1990nailed it. Your transition status is between you and your husband and no one else.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[April Marie]

Hi, Audrey!! Welcome to the forums. You'll find many, many wonderful people here, lots of information and support. Hopefully, some of the more experienced people will be able to offer you insight. Feel free to jump in wherever you are comfortable!!

[Audrey Renee]

Thanks Madison, Mindy, April.  I appreciate your advice and already feel very welcome here.

[Delcina B]

Welcome Audrey! Glad you're here! You likely have a lot of wisdom & experience to offer here. Do you think some couples sessions with a gender therapist would help you two uncover his & your feelings? Hope you find the wonderful advice, support & acceptance here as I have!

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[Susan R]

On 7/12/2023 at 11:16 AM, Audrey Renee said:

I don't think that's going to stop the few relatives from being critical of our marriage, and I don't see how it would change our relationship.  So I'm not sure what his motivation really is.  Is it something he'd always preferred?

Welcome @Audrey Renee! This is an interesting situation and one I have not come across here before. It sounds like you have a wonderful marriage and things have been relatively good for the both of you.

 

Could there have been some type of trigger event (small or large) that might have presented your husband with this new idea? Has he ever brought up this topic prior? If so, what was his position at that time on your surgery decision? I can see that after 15 years the question posed does seem to be instigated by some thing or someone. As others have mentioned, this is something that has nothing to do with anyone outside your marriage. If your husband suddenly believes this to be important right now then only some quality communication will reveal what’s behind his change of mind.

 

If I was in this position and my hubby wouldn’t let it go, I’d first ask him if he might be happier if I had the surgery or not. If not, there’d be no reason to move in that direction. If my hubby said he’d preferred surgery, I’d ask him point blank what it was that specifically influenced this change in his thinking (e.g.; hostile political rhetoric or news, pressure from a respected friend or coworker, new advancements in GRS surgeries, or any number of related things). IMHO, The topic wouldn’t have been brought up more than once unless he saw some type of benefit (for you, for him, or the both of you) that he isn’t disclosing to you right now.

 

I wish you the best on your discussion of this important topic with your husband.

 

Susan R🌷

[Charlize]

Welcome Audrey.  It so often has seemed a balance between my wishes and my spouses.  If you don't have a therapist i would certainly think it would help both of you. Therapy helped me with my marriage some 12+ years ago and we recently celebrated 51 years.

Glad your here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Audrey Renee]

Thanks for the additional advice everyone, I really appreciate it.

 

That's a good question Susan, and I've been talking to my husband about this issue for the past few days.  Though he hasn't said it directly, I do assume he's getting pressure from relatives due to the latest political mandates the transgendered and it's a subject that rarely ever came up in our marriage before.

 

It just seems to me he feels he's being judged since his wife is not physically female, and to him, he'd feel better in some way if I was.  I'm not sure why this is an issue now, but to me it seems like it's something he might have always preferred that I had done, but he left the choice up to me.  As I said before he's never treated me like any less of a woman than I feel that I am.

 

We are still talking about it.  I'm glad he's open to discuss it, but wish he'd open up a bit more.

[Madison_1990]

I love your profile photo Audrey.  I'm thinking maybe I need to put my face on here, it's so silly that in some ways I am afraid to.

 

Any update about the situation with your husband?

[Heather Shay]

@Audrey Renee non-op is your business and if that is how YOU want it - then by all means stay like that. It does not make you any more or less a woman.

[Ivy]

Welcome Audrey

[Audrey Renee]

My husband and I have talked and things are much better.  He was really looking after me but not so good at expressing it.  He said he respects my decision and I told him I am his very happy wife the way I am and he's totally cool with that.

 

I asked him what he's going to do about his relatives giving him a hard time about being married to me and he said "They can just go ---- themselves".  He says he sometimes suspects they are just jealous of us being a happy married couple.  I'm really glad to hear him say that, but especially in these days with trans people being under such attack, I'm not surprised he was concerned and confused.

 

But thanks everyone for your support!

[Ivy]

Glad to hear this.  

I wish we were all so lucky.