"I'm going to be in transition forever"

[NoEli6]

An article interviewing different teams people's experiences had this quote that just set me off: "I'm going to be in transition forever." I knew that before, of course. I knew that's how I'd have to live. But I think I'm just struggling to confront that idea. I'll never be fully physically male. No matter what I do, my past identity will linger in the minds of those who knew me. I'll always be someone's daughter, sister, ex-girlfriend, neice. And I can't stop them from thinking me that way. And I'll never get to be accepted as just one of many men. I'll always be "the trans guy" or "the one who used to be a girl" or "the one with a different body." It's not my fault I have the wrong body, but it's the most painful thing I think I'll ever experience and I'll get judged for it regardless. I'll never get to be just another man. I'll always have to take shots of testosterone. I'll always have to live with the fact that my family won't ever see me as a man. I know they won't. My parents misgender me, my grandparents deadname me, all on accident, but it just proves they don't see me as who I am. Why do I have to live in a world that will never see me for who I am? Why do I have to live in a world where I'm always going to have to know that any guy in the room who knows I'm trans could be looking at me at any point in time just knowing what I was like in the past? Even post-op, post-HRT, post-transition, I can't erase my -censored- past. I can't do -censored- anything to be able to live the life I want to live, because my family will always think of me as the body I was born into.

[VickySGV]

As one who has been out and open for 14 years, I can assure you that IT DOES GET BETTER.  I gave up on having a perfect target gender body about 9 years ago and embraced the fact that I was getting older and people lose interest to a point that whatever I am, it is just ME who is there.  Yes, I am the oldest surviving member of my birth family which has taken away a lot of the problems of acceptance as ME.  I do, however, have a large "Chosen Family" in the Trans community where I live, and even a good sized Chosen Family in the LGBTQ community as a whole.  I am just a ME, whatever that is as far as gender goes.  My suggestion is to give up on your birth family, love them from afar, but get on with life with others who will come to love you and respect you with all your points, good and bad.  I have a group where I do foster parenting for younger Trans people of any and all gender directions and occasionally one of them jokes about my being a Mama Bear which embarrasses me no end, but I feel their love and respect. 

[April Marie]

I had this conversation with my therapist today. I don't know what my ultimate transition will look like but I do know that everyone changes throughout their lifetimes. We all become...every day we become and that continues on until we die. I love your comment @VickySGV "I am just ME."  I am the me of today but not the me of tomorrow....and I look forward to the excitement of discovering the new me, everyday of my life.

[April Marie]

I apologize - just realized this thread was in the FtM forum!!! Sorry!!!!

[VickySGV]

56 minutes ago, April Marie said:

I apologize - just realized this thread was in the FtM forum!!! Sorry!!!!

Nothing wrong with your comment being here, there are issues across the two gender diversities and what you posted was in that vein.

[Vidanjali]

I am going to be absolutely candid with you @NoEli6 . Forgive me if any of this sounds harsh to you. I am telling you this with love because I respect you. Every individual is always in transition. That is the nature of life. I understand that your concerns are specifically about gender transition. And I understand personally that it can be a rough road. You will adapt. You will learn to accept yourself as you are, progressively, moment by moment. The pain you're experiencing now will pass. I promise. It will also recur. But you will find your way to a peaceful and fulfilling life, and those occurrences of pain will recede. Thank goodness we will be in transition forever because that means there is greater and greater happiness in store. Do your utmost to learn self-acceptance. Your contentment is within and you have all the potential to be happy and lead a fulfilling life. Without challenge we do not grow. I believe in you. 

[Betty K]

Hi @NoEli6, I know this is going to sound far-fetched right now but there may come a time when you will actually be proud to be trans. It happened for me, and I don’t have a hope of passing, at least not in the short term. There is more to life than integration.

[Charlize]

I have known trans folk who simply attempt to vanish so that everyone they may have known or met will not be an issue with their chosen gender.  I have simply become a trans gender person.  I am either accepted or not accepted by others but i have learned i must simply accept myself.  That being said, over time those who know me now usually get it right.  After all i remember the past as well.  I learned a lot and lived a lot as a man.  I don't regret those experiences.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Russ Fenrisson]

I get where you are coming from: no matter what you do, no matter how much time passes, you can't get away from the you you once were. However, even if this is the case, no matter where you started, you were always what you said you were. I wish I were born the way I wanted and got to live the full male experience, but at the same time, being born this way doesn't make me any less a man. I look a lot different than the typical male, but who actually fulfills the stereotypical look and sound of a guy? After all, such appearances come in all shapes and sizes.

 

 Like everyone has said before, it's best not to stress too much about it. There might be more bad days than good, but there is something small that is good in each day.

 

Me, what I find nice is to just immerse myself in my artwork, a good book, a good game, or a funny show. How my feelings are will always be there, but it doesn't have to be for every second of every hour.

 

I understand your pain @NoEli6. Even though it feels like forever, there are times it will go away a little bit. Be who you want to be regardless of how others see you.