I have tried everything to make the distress disappear but it doesn’t goes away

[Elliot.moonxie]

I thought with self acceptance work, cutting of everything that relates to trans people, loaded myself with gender critical opinions , terfs and much more that my dysphoria would go away. But I’m deeply unhappy. I’m constantly fighting s”icidal thoughts, impulses and very much hopelessness. My anorexia is getting worse because I can’t deal with my female body. I have tried for so many years to accept it. But the distress is too intense. I have done everything i could come up to for curing the distress about my gender. I have meditate, journaling, distracted myself, engaged in my special interests, being with family including my dog, spending time in nature, i go to therapy, i exercise, i eat well, i sleep well, tried to hide myself in oversized clothes, tried to dress in feminine associated clothes, cut my hair, grow out my hair, talking with loved people, i have tried so much things. But my distress over my female sex doesn’t go away. I have watched detransitioners story’s and transgender peoples, tried to not engage in any content in the digital world as well, deleted social media and so much more. This dysphoria doesn’t go away. I am so scared because i dont know if the distress is caused by something else than dysphoria but the only explanation is gender dysphoria. I am so scared to tell my psychologist that i want a referral to a gender clinic. I really dont know what to do. 

[VickySGV]

I think you know that you have to get that gender clinic referral, that it is your only way forward with a life that will be calmer and more directed.  There is an old saying that the path to safety and comfort is through the HEART of what we think is danger.  Gender Dysphoria is Persistent, Consistent and in the last rush into the danger that guards our safety, it is Insistent.  We are here on the Forums to support you on that pathway, talk to us, let us hold you up. 

[AllieJ]

Elliot, I think I have a gold medal in avoidance of being trans, and it led me to severe health problems and cardiac arrests. As Vicky said, this does not go away, and is insistent! You need to open up to your psychologist, explore other reasons for your distress, and if nothing else is indicated, get that referral to the gender clinic. I tried with everything I had to beat dysphoria, and it almost took everything, so please, talk to your therapist!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Vidanjali]

8 hours ago, Elliot.moonxie said:

I thought with self acceptance work...that my dysphoria would go away... 

 

If you're not sure who your self is, then self acceptance work will only get you so far. A good deal of self acceptance work is digging deep to discover who that self is. If you've been working on accepting yourself as an individual with a female body and it doesn't seem to be leading you to a peaceful existence, then you owe it to yourself to find out why. 

 

8 hours ago, Elliot.moonxie said:

I am so scared because i dont know if the distress is caused by something else than dysphoria but the only explanation is gender dysphoria.

 

The only way to know for sure is to explore gender dysphoria head on. If what's distressing you turns out not to be gender dysphoria, then you can preclude it and put it behind you. It is indeed scary to face the unknown. But ultimately it'll be a relief one way or another. It won't be easy, but from what you wrote you have the drive to be disciplined and the motivation to practice varied helpful modalities. Don't use those gifts to spite who you might be; instead learn to channel them towards real self acceptance - whatever that winds up looking like. 

 

8 hours ago, Elliot.moonxie said:

I am so scared to tell my psychologist that i want a referral to a gender clinic. 

 

Because that'll make it real? Keep in mind that there's much ground you can cover with your therapist if you honestly air out your feelings and work on accepting them instead of fighting to repress them or will them away. So, it's not necessarily gender clinic or bust. If your therapist is not qualified to explore gender with you, then certainly ask to be referred to someone who is. 

 

Your struggle is palpable from what you write. I truly feel for you. I can also tell you have much courage in you that will buoy you through whatever this journey brings. There must be a way for you to be fulfilled and you will find your way with the right help and a willingness to be open. This community is here to support you no matter what. 

[Davie]

3 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

I am so scared to tell my psychologist that i want a referral to a gender clinic. 

What if what happens is that you become happy, joyous, and free? That can happen for you, too. Then don't forget to celebrate it!

[April Marie]

There's been so much wonderful advice given already, I'll just add my concurrence to several points. The dysphoria DOES NOT go away by ignoring it. You may be able to deny it, to sublimate it, to push it into a corner of your mind....but it will come roaring back even stronger. I tried to deny it for decades...and decades until it pushed me into depression fueled by guilt and fear. Ignore it long enough and it will break you.

 

Talking to a gender therapist, perhaps both a GT and your psychiatrist, about your feelings will help you to understand them, to identify what they really are and then to help you decide how to move ahead. Transition, if that's ultimately what you decide to do, isn't a fixed point. It's a sliding scale where you decided how far along you need/want to go. Opting for a minimal approach doesn't make you less of a person. But, understanding what the true impetus behind the feelings is will help you conquer the fear and doubt.

 

I waited decades and now I realize how much joy and happiness I've missed in my life by not exploring it sooner. Of course, there are difficult days and challenges in accepting the reality of who I am....but life is like that. Not every day or every experience is a good one, but when you can finally understand who you are, can accept and love yourself, life becomes much more stable and enjoyable. Don't wait.

 

As others have said, you obviously have strength and courage. Most, if not all, of us have had to face the fear and discomfort of exposing our inner feelings to a therapist. It's not easy. Once you "rip off the bandage," though, I think you'll find that it isn't as bad an experience as you think.

 

And, as Davie said, you may find joy and happiness when you do. 

 

We are here to help, as you need us.