With regards from Switzerland

[CANiOshI]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm in my late twenties, and I have recently discovered and embraced my identity as non-binary. Specifically, I identify as either gender fluid or gender flux, as my sense of gender changes over time and/or intensity. I generally feel androgynous, but at times, I lean more towards a male or female side. Sometimes, I don't feel any gender at all, and due to my difficulty with interoception, I often struggle to discern my gender with certainty. To simplify things for now, I use the terms non-binary or genderqueer. Currently, I am seeking approval from a psychiatrist to begin a low-dose testosterone therapy as is required where I live.

 

In addition to my non-binary identity, I have learned a few years ago that I am neurodiverse, which has presented numerous challenges throughout my life. Connecting with people has always been difficult for me, and I have experienced many periods of isolation. In the past, I have even considered withdrawing from social interactions altogether, believing I was doing others a favor by not burdening them with my peculiarities. I have internalized a considerable amount of shame for being different in various aspects of my identity. But as is the case with shame, it would not tell me that I am wrong for being different, but that I am simply wrong for being me. Period.

 

I grew up in a quaint Swiss village, where the mountains offered a picturesque backdrop. However, I had limited exposure to the diverse world and its people. Switzerland, as a country, has shown resistance to change, evident in the fact that women were only granted the right to vote in 1971, making it one of the last European countries to do so. Given this historical context, I am not overly optimistic about official recognition of non-binary identities anytime soon. Nevertheless, I take comfort in knowing that much progress has already been made and that there are still people who have more strength and courage than I do and are actively working to build a more inclusive society.

 

For a long time, I considered myself an ally to the queer community, but I had yearned to be a part of it myself. I felt disappointed and saddened by the belief that I couldn't belong because I assumed I was cisgender and heterosexual. Acceptance and belonging within the queer community seemed like an intense and beautiful experience that I was missing out on. Since coming to terms with my non-binary identity, I still struggle with feelings of being a fraud, pretending to be different for attention or to fulfill that need of belonging. However, my autism diagnosis has taught me that these feelings likely arise from already being a genuine part of the community. Receiving a diagnosis of autism or other neurodivergent traits like ADHD can bring tremendous relief to individuals who genuinely experience these differences. An understanding of why we are different and validation that it's okay to be so. Nonetheless, shame continues to haunt me, and I still find myself mostly in isolation. Even forming connections online can be challenging, although it is somewhat easier than in-person interactions.

 

My transition goal is to not be perceived strictly as male or female, or rather to physically embody aspects of both. One day, I hope to confidently embrace my authentic self and navigate the world amongst other people without the need to hide or camouflage my queerness, my neurodivergence, or any other relevant aspect of myself. It is disheartening that this act alone feels almost revolutionary.

 

In conclusion, I look forward to connecting and engaging with the vibrant individuals within this remarkable community. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and experiences.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums, you do have a familiar story that we hear often, including the Neurodiversity elements.   All of it is real, none of it is shameful, and we do our best to listen and respond to each other here.  Our site rules are tight enough to keep everyone safe, and loose enough to let everyone  be themselves fully and beautifully.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, CaniOshi.  @VickySGVis correct in noting that we have many members who fit various aspects of your self-description, including neurodiverse.  I have read many studies lately about how prevelant neurodiversity is within the trans and non-binary communities.

 

Please look around the various forums and I hope you soon feel at home here.  We have some wonderful members and a great and dedicated staff.  I know you'll enjoy meeting them.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Susan R]

10 hours ago, CANiOshI said:

I have even considered withdrawing from social interactions altogether, believing I was doing others a favor by not burdening them with my peculiarities.

Welcome @CANiOshI, It’s nice to meet you and to have you here as a member of our forum. First off, I enjoyed reading your introduction very much. I can tell that you’ve done a lot of soul searching and have identified much about yourself along the way. Your statement above makes so much sense to me and likely to many others here on this forum. Growing up believing I was the only person in the world with “unique” desires and feelings no one else shared caused me to suppress most of my authentic personality. I also felt shame which caused me to isolate myself and kept friends at a distance for my own protection. Being part of a large family with 5 siblings didn’t make it any easier. Early in life, I sometimes felt like an introvert due to my gender related peculiarities and at other times I felt just the opposite. I’m sure you can relate to some of this even with our core identities in different areas of the gender spectrum. We likely share many common responses to those around us.

 

10 hours ago, CANiOshI said:

I look forward to connecting and engaging with the vibrant individuals within this remarkable community.

Our community in general has experienced much of what you discuss in your intro and I’m sure that with a little effort and time, you’ll succeed in finding some of those individuals. I look forward to reading more about you as you engage and share more about yourself and your journey.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Charlize]

Welcome.

 I know the feeling of being a fraud that you describe.  Being here and sharing helped me as did time wth a gender therapist.  We all have our own journeys but know that you are definitely not alone on your path.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ivy]

Welcome CaniOshl 

[Vidanjali]

Welcome @CANiOshI ! I relate to a lot of what you wrote. Like you, I was assigned female at birth (I am assuming as you said you're seeking treatment with T) and identify as nonbinary. I also felt an intense draw to the queer community all my life which I could not quite understand. I didn't know just how many ways there are to be queer until my mid 40s. Indeed, shame is a nasty beast. You articulated that nastiness so well - not wrong for being different, but wrong for being yourself. The latter is so much more painful, as if you embody wrongness. I've struggled intensely with that in my life. Self-acceptance can be a tough road and it's never quite finished. There are guides and you will find those that make sense to you if that's what you truly desire. I hope you enjoy this community. Here are people who understand what it's like in so many diverse ways. We see you and celebrate you. 

[CANiOshI]

Wow, I'm really grateful for your kind words as well as the experiences you've shared that help make this platform feel like a comforting and safe space indeed. This reminds me of the incredible support I received from a counsellor when I was still grappling with my own identity. This counselor, a trans man, deeply impressed me with his empathy, kindness, and dedication to creating a safe and accepting environment. Although I have dealt with various professionals in the past, including social workers and psychologists, only very few, despite their overall competence, have shown the same level of dedication. As someone who specializes in counseling trans individuals, and being trans himself, he had a deep understanding of the significance of such efforts...

 

It's really very sad to hear about the prevalence of mental health issues among transgender individuals so often. However, I am glad to know that there are communities like this one that serve as a source of support. I hope to become more active here and contribute where and when I can. 🙂

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forum!!! I loved reading your introduction. I definitely can relate to the "fraud" feeling. I still struggle at times trying to convince myself that I'm "real" and not a fake. Therapy helps...but I still have those moments. 

 

I look forward to hearing more about your journey as it unfolds.

[gennee]

Hello and welcome to the site.  🙂