All getting more confusing

[H_G]

I’m just getting more and more confused about myself.  I’d finally come out to myself and although I had a lot of dysphoria, it felt good in a way to have admitted it.  
 

I struggled for a while with feeling more uncomfortable as a man, and had a weekend where I could just be me.  It just felt normal.  No euphoria, just normal.

 

Since then, it’s been right at the back of my mind and not been a focus at all.  Although I’ve not had the need to present as female, I still don’t want to see my own body.  It doesn’t make me uncomfortable or deeply unhappy, I just don’t want to see it.

 

I’m beginning to wonder if I genuinely am trans, or is the occasional time to enjoy my female self enough to be able to manage without taking others along the journey with me?  Anyone else felt this way?

[Charlize]

There were many times when i had similar feelings.  I would look forward to a weekend as myself and afterwards was content as a male for some time.  I my case that lead to a pattern of being myself and then pushing that aside.  I had to contend with a feeling of guilt.  I certainly didn't share my feelings with family or friends.  Shame became part of this pattern.  

Being here, knowing i wasn't alone, and seeing a gender therapist helped me find my own path.  

You might want to consider therapy if only to find peace and comfort in your occasional female presentation.

I've come to believe that finding peace with my issues is as if not more important than how i present.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[AllieJ]

3 hours ago, H_G said:

I’m just getting more and more confused about myself.  I’d finally come out to myself and although I had a lot of dysphoria, it felt good in a way to have admitted it.  
 

I struggled for a while with feeling more uncomfortable as a man, and had a weekend where I could just be me.  It just felt normal.  No euphoria, just normal.

 

Since then, it’s been right at the back of my mind and not been a focus at all.  Although I’ve not had the need to present as female, I still don’t want to see my own body.  It doesn’t make me uncomfortable or deeply unhappy, I just don’t want to see it.

 

I’m beginning to wonder if I genuinely am trans, or is the occasional time to enjoy my female self enough to be able to manage without taking others along the journey with me?  Anyone else felt this way?

HG, that unease or frustration we feel is Dysphoria, and it slowly builds, like any frustration, until we do something to let the pressure out. Then the Dysphoria drops, but starts to build once again. Dysphoria is the symptom of Incongruent Gender Identity, so anything you do to affirm your Identity will reduce Dysphoria. Knowing this enabled me to 'manage my Dysphoria for over 60 years. I would get to distraction, and do something affirming to bring me back to a functioning person. Dysphoria is typically cyclic.

 

Once you understand this you have lots of options. Transition was not an option for me, so I was able to use strategies like occasional dressing, keeping my body hairless, growing my hair long, writing trans short stories, adopting typical female activities, and having female friends. I also learned to avoid triggers, like seeing my body, acting in typical male ways, or being involved in typical male activities.  

 

I also learned that as you age, dysphoria typically becomes stronger, this may be associated to falling hormone levels, and explain why there are so many late transitioners. In my case, at 65, my Dysphoria was strong enough that even living as myself all the time I was home was not enough to stop it ruining my health, and making me seriously ill. This almost cost me my life on multiple occasions, so I had to address it. We are all different, and you just need to find what works for you!

 

Welcome to this crazy rollercoaster!

 

Allie

[VickySGV]

8 hours ago, H_G said:

is the occasional time to enjoy my female self enough to be able to manage

 

We are all different, and that could well be what you need for yourself.  Dysphoria is Consistent, Persistent, and Insistent in our lives and will not just leave us alone, but I have many wonderful friends who "just need a vacation" from their more daily selves from time to time.  As long as you having the needs to do that does take you out of the purely Cis gender world, but we Trans don't bite people nearly as often as others fear.

[April Marie]

6 hours ago, AllieJ said:

'manage my Dysphoria for over 60 years. I would get to distraction, and do something affirming to bring me back to a functioning person. Dysphoria is typically cyclic.

 

Welcome to this crazy rollercoaster!

 

 

Spot on, Allie. It's always there lurking and sometimes it sneaks up and overpowers me. That's when the depression engulfs me, too. I'm learning to manage it, getting better every month, and finding easy ways to tamp it down as I work through what transition will ultimately look like for me.

 

Well said. And, it is a giant rollercoaster with loops.

[Mirrabooka]

@H_G, I'm another one!

 

Since coming out to myself as trans something-or-other a year or two ago, my biggest priority at the time was to try and define myself so that I could own it and run with it. But here I am, still questioning. Right now, for example, I'm actually feeling more blokey than normal (even though I just caught myself playing with my long hair, lol) and I feel like I'm struggling to stay in touch with my inner woman. Where did she go???

 

I am also learning that dysphoria takes many forms and may not necessarily manifest itself in the way that you think it might. For a long time, I was sure that I wasn't dysphoric at all, but my mood does change for the better when I give in to my inner woman, so who knows? Surely the effect of the mood change from dysphoric to 'normal' is the same as the mood change from 'normal' to euphoric?

 

Regardless, here we are.  

[Delcina B]

Realizing gender doesn't come perfectly defined & we can fit anywhere along the spectrum was so helpful to me.