Confusion isn’t fun

[itselysemarie]

I’m AFAB, but I’ve been identifying as genderless and/or agender for awhile now and those labels only almost fit me.

 

Honestly, if I have any semblance of gender (presentation or otherwise) at all, it’s somewhere between wanting to be and feeling androgynous and wanting to be and feeling totally genderless.

 

Also, I use they/them pronouns or my name but neither of those options feel quite right. They/Them isn’t neutral enough for me somehow and neopronouns are overwhelming because there are so many options. 

Am I just not meant for labels (or pronouns)? Or is there an identity/pronoun I missed? I’m so confused.

[Susan R]

51 minutes ago, itselysemarie said:

Am I just not meant for labels (or pronouns)? Or is there an identity/pronoun I missed? I’m so confused.

Hi @itselysemarie, Labels and/or pronouns are very important to some in our community. There’s nothing wrong with that as it’s simply a personal preference. It may offer some of us comfort to have our gender defined accurately for any number of reasons. There are others in the community that couldn’t care less about them. I wish I was the later but I’d be lying if I said being misgendered had no affect on me emotionally. I’ve improved my resistance to its affect since the start of my transition but it’s still a momentary concern if it happens. I think for some of us labels/pronouns are important because it’s our best hope that others see us precisely how we perceive ourselves.

 

One other factor to consider is time and change. I know some of us are gender fluid to some degree. It’s possible that some of us are even more fluid during emotional periods in our lives….some more than others. If that is the case for some, then finding a perfect label or pronouns just got a little bit harder. It’s akin to a moving target. One day, for example, you might feel completely agender and then the next day you’ve moved slightly along the gender spectrum somewhere and the label or pronoun no longer fits quite right. Of course, this is only a guess but if you're having difficulty pinpointing a perfect label or pronoun or you need multiple labels to do the job, it’s possible you have some ‘gender fluidity’. Have you ever worked with a therapist who specializes in gender identities?

 

Susan R🌷

[Vidanjali]

Hi @itselysemarie. I can relate somewhat to what you express. I am interested to know more about how you feel and your experience. I am also AFAB. I generally ID as nonbinary which to me leaves the field wide open. I also ID as trans, but most people seem to think trans implies binary or implies transition, neither of which is accurate, but that is why I qualify trans with nonbinary. I feel a bit transmasc, but perhaps only to the extent that I feel rather agender, but not femme; that is, transmasc kind of tips the scale towards neutral as far as I personally am concerned. Note also that "I feel" is inadequate language to describe gender, as I suspect you may agree, but I am using the expression for brevity. I would define gender as that which relates to one's personal sense of who one is (their identity), how one experiences inhabiting one's own body, how the society in which one lives interacts with that body, how one presents oneself in the world given societal expectations and norms, and one's relative level of harmony or disharmony with all these factors. It is an essential matter. And due to perception by objective observers, not entirely personal in the sense that despite how you "feel", you are likewise bombarded by visual cues and norms by any beholder. So, it's no wonder it's so challenging to be fully realized as deeply neutral. I've found the best I can do is to examine and integrate my experience of my self as much as I am able. As for how I am perceived, including what language is used to refer to me, it does prickle on a regular basis, but I try to depersonalize it - to observe it as something gross rather than essential - which sometimes "grosses" me out as I feel referred to as a collection of reproductive body parts, but at the best of times (which perhaps are rare, but I aim to increase) I am dispassionately bemused and unattached to that which I'm called. All this musing may be overly esoteric, but those are my thoughts. 

[itselysemarie]

…well, I know for sure that my ideal presentation is basically the Metatron from Dogma - no identifying characteristics whatsoever.

 

Plus, there are some microlabels that almost fit, like gendervoid and gendernull, but I’ve yet to find anything that fits perfectly.

[Betty K]

Hi @itselysemarie. I know of a person who requests no pronouns. Note, though, that this creates problems. For eg it is very hard for me to refer to that person now without using pronouns, since I have forgotten that person’s name. And even if I could remember that person’s name then I would struggle with repeating it every time I wanted to refer to that person. But it is possible. From what I hear from a mutual friend that person’s request is often not met, but I know my friend strives to meet it. No pronouns is an option.