Coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be able to afford surgery

[Jet McCartney]

Hey friends,

I was just looking for some encouragement or uplifting words. I work as much as I can, and save every penny I make. I invest in stocks and bonds. I've applied for every grant, I've tried to crowdfund. My insurance won't pay either. Basically, I've done everything that people say to do in order to save for surgery, and I came to the sad realisation yesterday that no matter how much I make or save, I will likely Never* be able to afford chest and bottom surgery. It just kind of broke me down. I grew up in a poor family so I wasn't able to save as a child. All our money went to food and school. I've been homeless before, so most of my money goes towards not being in that situation again. I have nothing left to save. I've done the maths and it'll take me 12 years to pay out of pocket for chest surgery alone. I've been binding since I was 16. I'm 20 now, and I can't wear a binder forever. I've already had some issues from binding too much. I use tape when I can, but none of those are permanent solutions. I don't feel safe binding for 8-12 more years. I've basically given up at this point.

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If anyone has anyone kind or uplifting things to say that would be greatly appreciated. I'm just feeling crushed right now. 

Thank you,

Peace and love,

~Jet

[Russ Fenrisson]

Hey, Jet. I understand your pain. When you see all the people out there who somehow got all these surgeries, or even got hormones to begin with, it really makes you wonder: how did they do it so easily? It's almost like magic or something. Honestly, at this point for me, just starting hormones sounds like a fantasy. I'm in a position where finding access is difficult and not everyone around me is approving of me going down such a route. It really sucks, but I've come to the point where I've tried to focus on other things so I don't think about it so much.

 

I get chest dysphoria pretty bad sometimes but the one thing that seems to work for me is exercise and pretending I don't have a feminie-looking chest. Ironically, just taking the time to dress how I like regardless of how others feel seems to help alleviate this issue. Not a cure-all as the dysphoria is still there, but it does make it go away for a while.

 

I know this is a cliché (and I dislike it myself), but you're still young: you still have time to do things for yourself, regardless of if you can get surgery or not. I know it seems far away, but as long as you keep up with what you're doing, perhaps it will eventually be an option. Just keep saving! And if it's too much, it doesn't hurt to treat yourself. A little reward now and then will make your efforts seem worthwhile.

 

I know it seems far off and even impossible, but the day you get what you want will come some day. Who knows? The situation could change five years, even ten years from now. All is not lost!

 

No matter what happens, I wish you the best of luck, Jet. You still have hope. There's always a tomorrow. Just take each step one day at a time.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Paying for surgery of any kind out-of-pocket is unrealistic for 95% of people in the USA.  IDK how people do it on their own, although clearly some do.  What you're going to be looking for is a job with health plan from a company that will pay for what you need.  It is kind of a backwards method from how most people look for jobs, but it is possible.  And if you can't get a job that has that sort of link with a healthcare company, you'll be looking at getting some sort of training to get a job that will give you what you need. 

 

The good news is that at least for now, in America there's a way to accomplish almost anything if you can figure out a plan.  My GF grew up in poverty...so bad she had to steal to eat when she was a kid, and at age 10 she was stealing baby formula from stores to feed an infant sister.  She's in her mid 30's now, and after putting herself through college and having a tech career, she owns several rent houses (mortgage free!) and stays home with her kids.  If she can do something like that from such a low starting point, I think there's a way for just about any situation. 

 

I'd start with what you've got for skills, then find out what health insurance local employers tend to use.  Call their offices and ask questions.  I suspect the research phase is going to take time, and you'll need to be organized.  I know that sort of legwork can seem intimidating.  Maybe you have a friend or family member who can help you organize what information you find?  Once you do the research, you can do job applications or find a way to get some training to change what you're doing.  At age 20, you're just starting out in employment...there's a long ways upward that you can go. 

 

You're looking at setting several goals.  Short term (next 30 days), medium term (next 12 months), and long term (next 5 years.)  If you break plans down into chunks like that, it is more approachable.  And less intimidating than the concept of "I can't pay for it even in 12 years."  I promise, your life at 32 can be so totally different than your life at 20 - it will amaze you.  Perspective helps, and focusing on what you CAN change helps.  Start small, work up.  You CAN get to your goal, I assure you. 

 

I'll add just a personal thought - at age 20, I didn't know I had gender issues.  I was just a lesbian with no relationship prospects and a wholelotta misery.  I think 20 is a miserable age for a lot of people.  Both my husband and my GF tell me that they were at their most miserable around that time - dealing with poverty and lack of prospects, and lack of hope.

 

At 20, I had gone through art training and was starting to work, but I didn't have any idea what to do.  Nobody except my sister loved me, and I was stuck living with my parents.  I was so depressed I contemplated suicide (didn't have a method or a plan, just wished I could stop existing.)  At age 26, my GF caught me in a store and wouldn't let me go until I gave her my phone number.  From there, I ended up with her, and now with my forever family.  I'm in my early 30's now.  Life has changed so radically since I was 20, and totally for the better.  I'm glad that I stuck through the hard stuff - if I had quit, I would have missed all the good parts that I'm discovering now.  The biggest aspect of a successful and happy life is perseverance.  You CAN do it.  Figure it out a small piece at a time, and you CAN have what you need and want.  And when you have trouble doing it on your own, you'll likely find somebody else who can encourage or help you.  🙂