An Introduction

[MaeBe]

To start it off...

 

I've considered myself male my entire life. I grew up in a normal, boyish, style with action figures, sci-fi movies, books full of sword and sorcery. None of that equates to male, I know, but my life has been comfortable and without strong anxiety or depression about who I was. I simply was. I was raised male, followed the social paths, and really didn't clash with it. As I grew into my teen years I, like many others, developed breast tissue but mine never went away. I was teased for it. Forced on the skins teams for it. Had my nipples twisted and was laughed at by the girls. I never had much in the way of a chest, but like all things considered abnormal it was something to pick on me for and it caused me great mental stress over many years. You could say it laid a foundation; a foundation built on a little shame and a great desire to fit in.

 

I did that, by and large, after I got out of high school. I lost some weight, but kept the fleshy chest, and went from one life stage to the next: some college, jobs, career, dating, marriage, house, children. You could say it was a more or less very Rockwellian. I tried to gain muscle and be fit, I played adult sports to keep in shape, but never bulked up, never got "big" and always had the boobs. Now at this point, you're thinking, "why is he talking so much about gynecomastia (breast development in males)? Isn't this a forum about gender?" Because I learned years ago, after finding a lump in my chest (benign), and having a mammogram that I do in fact have real breast tissue and in the past two years they've grown slightly. I went to the doc, nothing was wrong, just bigger boobs. Not so big, but bigger...boobs.

 

In the preceding months I'd started to shave my legs and later, when I started wearing a bra to keep the bounce and sway controlled, I started shaving my chest and more. I had started to lean into other more feminine things. I cried more. I felt euphoria(?) "loving" posts online and being more emotionally open. I noticed that I'd stopped "desiring women" and instead desired to socialize with them, envied their fashion and their form, I wanted my body to look feminine and it looked "right" when I saw my chest and slightly wider hips in the mirror. What?! What is going on in my head? I considered and then scheduled time with a therapist who published they handled LGBTQIA+ issues. In the interim, I've been pretty open with my wife and my children about my behavior, the latter know I wear bras and they've painted my grown and filed nails. My wife has asked if I want to be a woman. I don't know. It's such a big question and a bigger decision, the impacts far ranging and worrying. I've never been a worrier, but what would happen to my employment? My friendships? None have had a requirement that I "be a man", but life is built on unspoken frameworks and expectations. I continue to explore myself, quietly questioning my gender, and doing the research as I go from "going with the flow" to "trying to know" what that gender is.

 

So, here I am, introducing myself to this forum as someone exploring what is going on in their head and body and looking for a little community. I don't have the foggiest where I'm going or where I'll end up. Am I trans? Am I non-binary? Do I want a label?

MaeBe

 

 

[VickySGV]

Welcome to The Forums, while I normally do not do Fortune Telling, I clearly see a Gender Therapist in your future as well as an Endocrinologist.  The first one, Gender Therapist to work on your feelings of what your gender is, and how you and your family can deal with them as a family unit since all of them are sticking with you from what I hear there.  Finding a good GT is not a sign of mental illness to be ashamed of, it is a pretty darn heroic way of finding your best life.  The second, the Endocrinologist, is to actually assess what is going on hormonally with your body that you developed the Gynecomastia as you have experienced.  A full hormone panel will assure you of who you are and there are several normal physical variations that it could point out.  PAIS (Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome) is a condition where males will develop the conditions you talk about, and Klinefelter's Syndrome where a person has XXy chromosomes instead of the expected Xy chromosomes in birth assigned males.  The physical components are useful to helping you understand yourself, but the Gender Therapy will fit in to making you decide how to use you unique personal characteristics to be content in your life.

[MaeBe]

40 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

Gender Therapy will fit in to making you decide how to use you unique personal characteristics to be content in your life.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, Vicky!

 

I consider my current therapist to be capable in the gender therapy realm. It was one of my requirements when we started and it's a key component in our sessions. So I think I can say, I already am! 😄

 

As for an endocrinologist, having my hormones checked is something I've thought about handling at my next yearly checkup in the Spring. When I had my doctor appointments regarding increased breast size, they ordered a T-level check. Only T though and it was within the normal ranges for a person my age. Definitely not a complete picture and one a I'd like to have in full. I like to have a grasp of the facts, especially when it's about my body.

 

Wherever I am right now, I have to say, I'm currently expressing myself in a gender-expansive way. Ooops, I guess I'm a poet and don't even know it.

MaeBe

[Mmindy]

2 hours ago, MaeBe said:

 

Wherever I am right now, I have to say, I'm currently expressing myself in a gender-expansive way. Ooops, I guess I'm a poet and don't even know it.

Welcome to TransPulseForums Mae,

 

@VickySGVis on point and directing you in a well informed manner. 
 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[MaeBe]

Thank you, Mindy!

[Mirrabooka]

Hello Mae, welcome aboard. It's great to see you here.

 

I totally understand the Questioning phase and the need for a label. I recently changed my profile here from Questioning to Bi-gender but I still don't really know. I know that labels shouldn't be important - being you is, regardless. One thing I did learn not so long ago was that it might be easier to think of yourself as what you're not. And that is, cisgender. Once I realized that, I had a lot more pride in myself.

[MaeBe]

2 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

I totally understand the Questioning phase and the need for a label.

Hey there, Mirra!

 

I don't know if I need a label. I am really open to wherever this takes me. If that takes me to a label, great. If I find myself unidentifiable in the spectrum of being, I guess that will have to do too. An interesting thought on thinking through what you're not. I guess I tend to think of it as a strike list and forget about it. At this point, where my head is at, I'm not that cis guy I took myself for throughout my life. That is both scary and exceptionally interesting.

 

-MaeBe

[April Marie]

Welcome, Mae! You’ll find many of us who found our tru selves later in life after following the “normal” path expected of us as kids. There is a lot of information available to you here and wonderful people. Jump in where you feel comfortable%

[Birdie]

Hey there Mae, 

A label was quite the task for me because I really don't fit any label profile. I remember flipping back and forth for a bit between trans-femme or transgender. 😐

 

I am however intersex, so what side of the fence I fall on is my decision. 🤔

 

I have no label I project now, I just go out everyday living my life as the 'woman' I am.

If someone else needs to label me, that's their prerogative.   

 

I don't even overly try for feminine, I just live as me. 100% off the women's rack but androgynous 'mostly' (I have 'some' sexy items). Light makeup, but lots of time styling my hair. 

 

I find 'just being me' is so much better than forcing myself into a profile box. 

[Mirrabooka]

10 hours ago, MaeBe said:

At this point, where my head is at, I'm not that cis guy I took myself for throughout my life. That is both scary and exceptionally interesting.

 

-MaeBe

That's exactly how I felt a couple of years ago. Due to a long term health issue, I was faced with the prospect of being put onto some sort of hormone treatment to deal with it once certain test results reached a certain level. It would have had a demasculinizing effect and plenty of other side effects such as a good chance of 'proper' gynecomastia (I have pseudo-gynecomastia now, with genuine A-cup moobs) and the thought of it excited me greatly! But this was coupled with the fear of not being able to hide it or explain it to others. I'm more prepared for it now mentally, especially thanks to other places on the interwebs, but there hasn't been a need for the treatment yet. When, not if, I do have to undergo treatment, it will force my hand. Perversely, I'm looking forward to it now.

 

Aligned with that is the non-physical side of things. Even if my body never went through any future changes, my mind already has. It's as if my mind has transitioned, but my body doesn't have to. If it does, it's a bonus. That used to scare me, but not anymore. @MaeBe, we are all on a journey. There is nothing wrong with exploring where the journey leads us. Get used to it and it isn't so scary anymore!