An introduction?

[Royal]

So I am an afab non-binary person. My gender is a confusing mess, particularly reminiscent of picking up a tv cable to find that there are about a hundred other cables all tangled up with it like rubber intestines. I began thinking I was a cis bi girl with a preference for women, as you do. Then I was like dang non-binary and trans people are literally the most perfect humans. I began following tons of genderqueer creators. I learned everything about the subject possible. (probably the adhd).

 

Then I went from home school to public high school. I quickly fell into the small queer community in my school. The first time I was asked my pronouns it was a really cute trans boy. (spoiler alert we hit our one year anniversary the other day) I panicked and said I don’t know. He smirked and said, so any? And I don’t know why but I was like yeah. He proceeded to refer to me with all pronouns and I realized, yeah no I’m probably agender because this hits different. So I stick with any pronouns for freshman and sophomore year. I begin leaning super masculine, weirdly especially when I dressed high fem. I began wearing dramatic and intricate graphic eyeliner and skirts, lots of alternative fashion. And it felt like drag… but I’m a girl??? Eyeliner isn’t drag if your cis or kinda nonbinary? These thoughts were probably definitely wrong. So now I still dress alternative and I wear graphic eyeliner and skirts, buuuuut I also wish I had a binder, and I’m mildly super jealous of amab enbies who can wear a skirt and automatically get the effect I so desperately want. (I love it for them keep on being fabulous I am just a wee bab lol)

 

if I’m a trans guy I don’t entirely know it yet, if I’m just non-binary then I definitely need tips on how to look like I’m a dude in a dress. Idk this is a goofy ramble. I’m a poet and a visual artist, I know far too much about Greek mythology and psychological disorders, and I am obsessed with chocolate. Talk to me about my various hyper fixations if you want a long ramble lol. 
 

hyperfixations

- Greek mythology 

- Other mythology (Norse, eygptian, Roman etc)

- Psychological disorders/neurodivergencies (Autism,adhd,anxiety,did,fasd,osdd,bipolar,

bpd)

-crochet

-gemstones 

-art

-poetry (Emily Dickinson, Sappho, Sylvia Plath, Langston Hughes)

-Kandi

-music

-undertale

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Royal.  That was certainly an interesting intro, and I like interesting.  It beats the heck out of boring.  There's a lot there I can't help much with (I'm an oldie but goodie), but I know there are lots of other folks who probably can help more than me.  Out of your list of hyperfixations, I can relate to gemstones (I volunteer in a natural history museum), poetry and music.

 

Please look around the forums and post in any threads that look good to you.  We'll be here should you have any questions.  Enjoy the time you spend in this place; we think it's pretty special.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[April Marie]

Hi, Royal, and welcome to the forums!! What an introduction!! No matter where you fall gender-wise, you are certainly an interesting and fun person. Even with the gender confusion issues, I had to smile as I read your intro. I felt happiness under it all. Did I misread it? You mentioned your 1 year anniversary so perhaps that's where I get the happiness from.

 

Like Carolyn Marie, I'm in the older crowd and a relative newbie to having finally found myself so I can't offer a lot of specific assistance. Many of us have benefitted tremendously from working with gender therapists. I don't know if that's a possibility for you or not, but thought I'd mention it.

 

You'll find lots of information here that will help soothe your desire for knowledge - maybe even give you another hyperfixation or two. 🙂 lol

 

And, there are so many wonderful people here full of compassion and encouragement to support you as you wind your way through your gender discovery. 

 

Jump in where you feel comfortable!!

[Vidanjali]

12 hours ago, Royal said:

I panicked and said I don’t know. He smirked and said, so any? And I don’t know why but I was like yeah. He proceeded to refer to me with all pronouns and I realized, yeah no I’m probably agender because this hits different.

 

Hi @Royal. Welcome to this supportive and uplifting community. What a great boon to have encountered someone who intuitively knew how to affirm you when you were not sure.

 

12 hours ago, Royal said:

And it felt like drag… but I’m a girl??? Eyeliner isn’t drag if your cis or kinda nonbinary? These thoughts were probably definitely wrong.

 

Your thoughts are your thoughts - they are neither right nor wrong unless you judge them so. For what it's worth, I can relate and have had similar thoughts. I am afab nonbinary. Sometimes I feel agender. Sometimes I feel transmasc. I always feel trans. I do not identify with femininity expression. I spent many years trying my utmost to be a woman because I thought there was something wrong with me and could not imagine that anything was right about me. I used to say all those years I felt I was in drag. But, your comment causes me to revise this wording. Drag is a celebration. What I felt was more of a compulsory uniform - one which I felt constant conflict about. I do understand the guy in drag feeling though. To the extent that I experience transmasculinity, it ranges from butch dude who knows how to fix everything - to gallant fellow who knows how to engage with all and sundry - to flamboyant kween. And it's that last part which may seem confusing - but there is a distinct difference between being a girl and being a flamBOYant kween. To that extent, I've had deep conflict in my relationships with gay men - I LOVE being with them, but I experience extreme dysphoria that they see me as a woman and not at all like them. So, yeah, I'm here to affirm to you that it's a thing. If that's how you feel, do not doubt yourself, but rather enjoy it. 

 

12 hours ago, Royal said:

hyperfixations

- Other mythology (Norse, eygptian, Roman etc)

 

Have you read D'Aulaires' Book of Norse Myths? It's an illustrated book which is lovely in its depiction of the Norse deities and their stories. I particularly enjoy a story of Loki which plays with gender in which he takes the form of a mare and becomes impregnated! https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/24655

 

[MaeBe]

Hello from another new member!

 

It's amazing how our brains work and how very frustrating it how we've internalized certain social "values" that put ourselves at odds with ourselves. It makes things so hard sometimes!

 

I hope you can find community and comfort here, Ramble On! 😊

[Ashley0616]

Hi Royal, 

 

I'm glad you found the group. We could talk about mental disorders a lot. I have had quite a few. The VA can't confirm if I have bipolar or not. I have anxiety, depression, PTSD, of course gender dysphoria, military sexual trauma and those are just some of my disorders. I have a medication regiment to go with it. I hope you find peace in here and find what you are looking for. 

[Timber Wolf]

H Royal,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf 🐾