Just started my transition and the goal feels so far away

[JustJack]

I have just recently in the past month or so come out to my friends and family as questioning my gender identity. I feel like I am right on the cusp of socially transitioning to male but I am so scared and hesitant that it is the wrong decision. It all feels so complicated and I can't even express why theres just so many things that I don't know how to do or say. My friends and family are using they/them pronouns with me but I want to switch to using he/him and I don't know when to tell them because I feel like nothing physically has changed about me so I worry they will all still see me as a girl and feel weird about using he/him pronouns. I want to go by the name Jack but again I don't know how to tell people! I have always struggled with talking about my emotions and sticking up for myself so it makes me really anxious and nervous to tell a bunch of people this side of me that feels really personal. I am talking to my therapist about potentially starting to take testosterone but every time I try to find a doctor I get overwhelmed and end up crying because it feels hopeless. The thing I get most dysphoric over are my breasts and even binding doesn't really help because the constriction of the binder just reminds me that they are there. I know that I want top surgery even more than I want to start testosterone and I regularly have dreams were I am flat chested or even have just undergone top surgery and am recovering from it. I feel like if I can't even find a doctor for testosterone how am I ever going to find one to help with top surgery? I feel like I have nobody to talk to who understands what it is like to be FtM and it is so lonely. All of my friends are very supportive and encouraging but I just wish I had somebody who really understands how I feel. Sorry for the rambling mess I just had to get it out there somewhere.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums Jack ( @JustJack).  It is overwhelming if you try to take it in one single step, you say you have a therapist and they will be your anchor in all of this.  If you can't do something one moment, wait, breathe  and breathe again to reach the next moment.  For now, just enjoy this place, work with your therapist and gain strength for the journey that you take, and it will happen.  You are safe here and that may be what you need just now and we will do our thing to help you know you are. 

[Vidanjali]

Hi and welcome @JustJack . I'm afab but nonbinary (and a bit transmasc), so I only personally understand where you're coming from to a certain extent. There are several guys here on the forum, though & a thread dedicated to chatting with guys and other guyish and nonguy pals: 

 

You have people in your life who use they/them pronouns with you. That is awesome, even though you're thinking those are not the right ones for you. The fact that they are actively demonstrating affirmation is wonderful. Consider that you don't have to look a certain way to deserve affirmation. As you have those supportive people in your life, ask some of them to call you he/him. Gosh, if they're willing to they/them you, I imagine they're not suddenly going to draw the line at he/him. Consider you may be the one drawing that line for yourself. How to ask them? The truth is you want to know how it feels to be called that. You don't have to look a certain way to explore your feelings and ask for help. 

 

Once you've gotten some deeper support from those folks in your life, you may find you're feeling more courageous to engage with a doctor. A supportive friend can be your buddy along the way.

 

I do understand the binder thing. I like how I look much better wearing one, but it does feel weird and sometimes unpleasant physically - all that squished up business that you just don't want there. When I wear a binder, I like to run the palm of my hand down the front of my chest like a guy would if smoothing out his shirt. But it would be so nice to just throw a shirt on and have that effect naturally. 

[Ivy]

Welcome Jack.

[Mmindy]

Good afternoon Jack,

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums, you'll find a lot of support here.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[StrainAsylum]

    Jack, you are NOT alone.  Hang in there!  Even baby steps will make you feel SO much better.  

I'm an older trans man and started accepting that I was trans in my 50s (yes, 50s).  I started testosterone 4.5 yrs ago and it's made me feel MUCH better about myself.

I do take antidepressants and mood stabilizers (Paxil and Lamotrigine), but I've had chronic depression.  What helps a great deal in addition, though, is taking those baby steps.  

    Find a primary care physician who has treated transgender patients, for one.  Mine does my prescription for testosterone and is familiar with the specialists that I might need who are also familiar with treating transgender patients.

    I recently moved back to Florida and live in a seniors apartment building.  Only the manager and maintenance guy even know that I'm transgender!  I just introduce myself as Scott and everything seems to go from there.  It has been 4 yrs, but you're probably younger and it'll have a more visible effect on you, probably.

    Just please remember that you're not alone in transitioning; there are a lot of us out there.

 

[hormonedifficientin2ways]

When i started to experiment with my gender expression, i asked my friends to use they/them and he/him for me, just so i could try it out. you can tell your friends and family that you're still working things out, and to use whatever pronouns your prefer. you can experiment and change as often as you like. take it slow, but don't be afraid to try something new!

 

I wish you the best!

[Wicked juggalo]

hey transitioning is a massive goal and you’re amazing even if you haven’t started socially transitioning, and are pre-all medical procedures. It may feel like you have to climb a mountain to transition so just take it step by step; focus on conquering each day individually.