Questioning gender identity

[LittleSam]

Hi all. 

I've joined this site because ive recently started questioning my gender identity. I have no idea why I'm doing this now! I'm almost 34. I've identified as a lesbian for most of my adult life. I was born female. When I was a child around the age of 9, I insisted I cut all my hair off and wanted to be called Sam. I wanted to be called him and introduced myself to strangers as a boy. I used to love walking around topless. And one day my mum said I can't anymore as I'm getting older and I started to grow breasts. I remember being upset and saying I don't want my boobs to grow. Then I just grew all my hair out and as a teen I loved having long straightened hair, loved wearing makeup and skirts.

I met the love of my life at uni and when I was 25, I cut all my hair off again . I've been a happy lesbian, and fluctuate between feminine and more butch clothing. Now for some reason, all I what to do is wear men's only clothes. Before I used to be scared to venture into men's clothing section for fear of presenting as too masc. Now i want to be seen as masc, and have even bought a binder, which hasn't arrived in the post yet. I want to be called a more neutral name like Sam. My legal name is Sarah. I don't have strong gender dysphoria. I'm not unhappy with my body, but want to dress like a man all the time, and tbh I wouldn't care if my boobs were gone. I don't like the they/them pronouns on me, and don't mind being called she, but I hate being called a woman or lady, I'd rather be called a person. I suspect I'm non binary as I don't strongly identify as male or female. I'm scared about where this is all going to go, and I've booked in counseling to explore these issues. Just wondering if anyone is going through this or has any advice or words of encouragement. My moods have been all over the place, and I have been teary. I'm terrified to actually legally change my name to Sam, as I know some people won't understand, half of my family are lovely and supportive, and half won't be. It's also a big thing to come out at work, but I feel my workplace would be lovely and supportive about it. I know I should do what makes me happy, but what if it's a mistake. I haven't felt like this all my life, so it could be a passing phase for me. 

[emeraldmountain]

@LittleSamHi and welcome!

 

I am sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. It sounds very painful and I can very much relate.

 

I got help, though, for my gender issues and other mental health concerns after many years of pain. I am happy to say that I am in a much, much better place mentally now. There is help out there from good, kind people. Please, learn from my experience and don't wait years to get help. The help is out there which is yours for the taking. Although I don't know you, from what you wrote, I have confidence that you are capable of feeling better!

 

I'm glad to hear that you're going to see a counselor. Please, please, please, for your own health, make sure the counselor you end up with is well-versed in the myriad of mental health topics, especially gender therapy, gender dysphoria, is up to date in their knowledge on the subject, and importantly kind, open-minded, and nonjudgmental.

 

If the counselor you've set up with now is not a gender therapist per se, it could still be very, very much worth it to see the person with whom you are booked just to get help for now, then maybe look for a gender specialist who meets the above qualifications if you decide to do so.

 

I wish you the very best!

[LittleSam]

Thankyou for your kind response emerald mountain. I did look for a counselor who is an ally of the LGBTQ+ community. He isn't a specialist in that area, but like you mentioned, it's something for now. I feel so much better that I've booked the counselling and I can explore this with a stranger that doesn't know me, and doesn't appear judgemental at all. I'm glad that you feel better after what you've been through 

[MaeBe]

Welcome Sam!

 

I am in the same place as you, but a decade older. I don't have the exact history you do, but I am not strongly dysphoric either. I've been generally accepting of my gender my entire life, but there have been some "variations" that in hindsight add to this sudden narrative of questioning. It's just happened in the past year+, I have an intense desire to explore a more feminine space. It's been a shock really, but every little thing I do that aligns with that brings me joy that I would never have expected.

 

Counseling is a good path and I'm on that route myself. Do the things that make you feel you, whatever it is; styling yourself different, expanding your community (like you're doing here), or coming out where you feel safe to do so. There is no pressure or timetable for anyone's journey. I am just starting my own, so I don't have much in the way of sage advice, but wanted to let you know you're not alone!

[emeraldmountain]

@LittleSamYou're welcome!

 

I'm happy to hear you feel much better from booking that appointment and are looking forward to meeting with someone.

 

You may or not may not be nonbinary. Maybe you are cisgender, maybe you are trans. Maybe you just like expressing yourself in ways that are not in line with traditional gender roles. It is okay and beautiful to be any of the above or something else entirely.

 

Answering these questions is up to you and you get to decide who you are. There is a lot of power in that freedom to declare your own self, isn't there? It's normal for many people to be nervous and unsure when addressing the gender question. It can be scary, but it is also liberating, whether or not you are cisgender, nonbinary, trans, gender nonconforming, or something else.

There is a book that I am still reading, but it has been helpful to me and perhaps might be helpful to you. The book is by a nonbinary author named Rae McDaniel and is titled Gender Magic: Live Shamelessly, Reclaim Your Joy, & Step into Your Most Authentic Self. The book discusses the joy of gender exploration and/or being trans, nonbinary, etc.

 

You don't need to have all the answers right now. You are your wonderful self, so enjoy being you!

 

Take care!